#1 On My List Of Things Least Expected To Hear My Co-Worker Say Today

"Smell me!"

That's all I have to say about that.

Zombie Talk 2

Me: Welcome again to “Zombie Talk,” the show that brings the past back to life – literally! I’m flying solo this episode, as Ms. Eulabelle is having some trouble with Immigration – something about her worker visa not being valid, as a “witchdoctor” isn’t, technically speaking, a medically trained professional. So, filling in today is ZT’s booking agent, Phil Henson. Good to see you again, Phil.

Phil: Thanks, Jay. Glad to be here.

Me: So, trying to put the whole Paris Hilton nightmare behind us, who’d you line up for us today, Phil? George Washington? Albert Einstein? Hervé Villechaize?

Pleeease tell you got Hervé Villechaize!

Phil: No, no & no. I scored someone even better than any of those!

Me: Really? Cool! Then let’s bring out our guest!

(Curtain draws back & out shambles…)

Me: …Keith Richards?

Phil: Yeah! Isn’t it sweet?!

Me: Phil, he’s not dead. I mean, he looks & smells like a rotted corpse, but…

Phil: Dude, he’s been declared clinically dead & then revived at least seven times! And he claims to have snorted his dead father’s ashes, making him a cannibal of sorts. Doesn’t that qualify as a zombie?

Me: Hmm…you have a point, there. OK, let’s do it.

(A zombie handler straps Keith Richards to the guest chair)

Me: Good day, Mr. Richards, & thank you for joining us. Sorry about the straps, but, after the whole Paris Hilton fiasco, our insurance company decided that we couldn’t have our guests roaming about freely.

Keith Richards: mrph blarrgle murgle bleh, mate.

Me: Um…OK. Uh…how’s life/death/life been treating you?

Keith Richards: mlllble graaah plbbbt, mate. Hahahahahaa…

Me: Good, good. I must say, that, despite being completely unintelligible, you’re still quite articulate for a zombie. You have quite the wide range of gurgles & moans. What’s your secret?

Keith Richards: glarrrrble phlehhh, mate.

Me: Really? Shooting embalming fluid? I guess that explains your semi-well preserved body, too, eh? Heh heh…

Keith Richards: Moooaaan, mate.

Me: So, will we be seeing any more Stones records? I hear another “Farewell” tour is in the works. That makes, what – fifteen farewell tours?

Keith Richards: hurglbleh, mate.

Me: Oh, sorry. Eighteen. One last question before we wrap things up – Charlie Watts – vampire living off the blood of young virgins or animatronic robot?

Keith Richards: slurplpleg mlurblguh, mate.

Me: Wow - sold his soul to Satan? I would’ve never guessed.

Well, thank you Mr. Richards. It’s been a pleasure to talk with such a legend among the undead.

Keith Richards: mlbleglzzzz, mate

Me: Please join us again, ladies & gentlemen, for the next episode of “Zombie Talk,” the show that brings history to life – literally!

MI:5: Electronic Goodies Edition

OK. So, I’ve been a total flake about these; I’m going to try to mend my wayward ways, though.

Starting with Billy Rhythm’s Little Electronic Gadget 5:

1) Do you use some form of PDA (personal digital assistant)/MP3 player/smart phone for contacts and calendar items? If so, what is it, and what do you use it for? If you don't use some sort of digital calendar, what do you use?

The only thing I use for calendars/contacts is my MS Outlook at work. As much as I love gadgets, I’m still quite the Luddite; I don’t have (nor do I really want) a PDA or cell phone. T & I like to be able to take off for the weekend & not be tracked down by everyone.

We’re just that popular.

2) Do you use any sort of MP3 player? If not, do you use anything for "music on the go"?

Now, an MP3 player is another story; I loves me my playa! I think we have three small ones (2gb or less) floating around Casa de Jota, one each for T, The Boy & me. Mine is also a jump drive, so it carries schoolwork & other miscellaneous files, in addition to being almost filled to the gills with tunes.

Now, isn't that thrilling?

3) Do you have a favorite application you run on your PDA/MP3/smart phone? What is it? If you don't use one, how about some cool application you like on your computer?

My player’s not that fancy; strictly plays music or carries files (I gunnin’ for the Creative Zen 32gb jobbie as soon as the price is a bit more reasonable). You’d think that, with as much as I use my computers at work & home that I’d have some interesting application, but about the coolest thing I can think of is being able to switch the time zones on the system clock.

Exciting, no?

4) How about a favorite game on your widget? If you're non-widget-ized, what games do you like to play on your computer?

Widget? What is this “widget” that you speak of? As for games on the computer, my love for all of the Civilization games knows no bounds.

Neither does my wife’s scorn for all of the Civilization games.

5) Most little gadgets have a way to personalize them, like a cover or faceplate or something. What's on yours? If you don't own one, tell us about something else you've personalized.

Alas, my MP3 player’s too small, physically, to do any customization (unless you count the crack on the battery cover as a customization).

Zombie Talk

Me: Hello & welcome to the first installment of “Zombie Talk.” I’ll be your host as we scour history, raise the dead via the magic of the Voodoo & pick the brains, or what’s left of them, of some of the greatest figures of the past. On my left is my co-host, noted Haitian Voodoo priestess, Ms. Eulabelle. Welcome Ms. Eulabelle…

Ms. Eulabelle: ‘allo, chile. I’m happy ta bein here.

Me: It’s good to have you here. To give you, the audience, a little idea as to what we’ll be doing here on “Zombie Talk,” or ZT for short, every episode, Ms. Eulabelle will attempt to raise a famous person from the annals of history for me to interview; depending on how much of the brain’s left & how many vestigial memories are left, things could get interesting. We’ll even take requests for guests from the audience from time to time, but, remember to be patient, as digging up the body…er…acquiring the proper permissions to reanimate our guest takes a little time. And it’s also a little difficult to get some guests, as they’ve decomposed to the point where there’s not much to bring back.

Ms. Eulabelle: Dat’s right, honey. I be bringin’ back da zombies, not da ghosts. ‘Tis not my specialty, ha!

Me: Hahaha! Oh, Ms. Eulabelle, you’re such the card!

Anyway, as this is our inaugural episode, I wanted to be completely surprised by our first guest, so I let Ms. Eulabelle pick them out. So, let’s meet our first interviewee on “Zombie Talk.”

(Curtain draws back; blonde zombie comes shambling out)

Wow, Ms. Eulabelle – you got a fresh one, didn’t you?

Ms. Eulabelle: Dat’s not de zombie that I brought back, tho. I be reanimatin’ Isaac Hayes, chile!

Me: What do you mean? Those blank, soulless eyes; that vacant look; off-kilter walk; & - oh, man! That smell! Are you sure? I mean, look – it keeps stopping every time a light comes on.

Paris Hilton: Shiiiiiny! (drool)

Me: If that’s not a zombie, then I don’t know what is.

Paris Hilton: (stops & strikes a pose) Caaaaaameraaaaaas…(gurgle)

Me: I thought you couldn’t reanimate brainless people? Can you de-animate beings, Ms. Eulabelle?

Paris Hilton: Parrrrrteeeee…

Ms. Eulabelle: I don’ know, chile. Lemme tryin’ ‘dis –

(Smacks Hilton with a dead chicken)

Me: No, don’t go for the head – there’s nothing in there to damage! Do you have a wooden stake or a silver bullet or something?

Ms. Eulabelle: Those don’ workin’ on de undead –

Me: What about the just plain stupid? Here – let’s try this –

(Busts out camera, sets off the flash)

Paris Hilton: Cheeeeeeese…

(Starts shambling toward the flash)

Me: Quick, Ms. Eulabelle! Open the door!

(Following the flashes, Hilton staggers out the door, stopping after every burst to pose)

*SLAM!*

Me: Whew! That was…too close!

(Sounds of scraping on the door)

Join us next time on Zombie Talk, when we try to interview a real, undead zombie, as opposed to a living idiot.

Yet Another Timekiller

I've finally put something to look at on my new photoblog, Life In 8 Megapixels.

Go on - have a look. Who knows - I may put two posts up! Um...someday.

My Week

It was boring, thanks for asking. The highlight of the week?

I added the word "handfarting" to my Outlook dictionary at work.

Yeah. Handfarting.

I'm livin' life on the edge, yo!

It's Nearly 10p, I Have A Research Paper Due Friday...

...but I'm blogging instead.

Probably not the most productive use of my time, but the paper is sooooo frickin' boring. I've actually enjoyed the other writing assignments in this English class, so far.

Once I figured out what I could get away with, at least.

The topic for this research paper is so mind-numbingly boring, though. We have to write a 6-8 page paper about civil rights. Yes, it's an important topic. Yes, it's something that should be kept in the public spotlight until true equality for everyone is achieved.

(whine) It's just so boring though! (/whine)

I mean, with the other topics, I've been able to be a bit light about the subject matter (one that I wrote was review for "Manos: The Hands of Fate"; got an A on it, too - was told that, while others had reviewed bad movies, I was the first to do so with such enthusiasm. Go me!). This, though...is it possible to write a paper about a "serious" subject & be kinda glib about it?

I guess my grade at the end of the week will answer that one.

OK...back to the grind.

(whine)But, it's soooo boring!!!(/whine)

Donner, Party Of Twelve…

I’m supposed to be reading an excerpt from Hemingway’s “Hills Like White Elephants,” a story that I am completely convinced he wrote while A) inebriated & B) playing MadLibs, but, instead, am going to amuse you, Loyal Readers, with an anecdote about a recent happening in my life. I mean, it’s what you come here for, isn’t it?

*ahem* I said, ”Isn’t it?”

Whatever…

For the past two years, against all common sense I have volunteered at our church’s Wednesday night 5th & 6th grade youth group in spite of the voice screaming in my head to run the other way. It’s so difficult to fight the urge to put them all in a burlap sack & throw them in the river rewarding to see the blank looks on their faces look of joy on their faces as we give them candy in an attempt to bribe them into sitting still for five seconds lead them down the path of righteousness.*

[*I kid, of course.]

[A little…]

Anyway, we had a deal with the little hellions kids that whomever said a set amount of Bible verses from memory would be invited to a barbeque/hike at the end of this year’s session. We were to meet at one of the gems of our little town, the highly touted local soccer ‘complex’ (which is pretty much one weed choked field; man, I’ve gotta move somewhere else) to set up & then trek on over to the trailhead. When I found out which trail we were going to be taking, I pointed out to another one of the group leaders that this particular trail, according to the local trail map, was a ‘red’ trail.

Now, let me ask you – when has the color red ever signified anything good? Stop lights are red. Communists are red. Infections are red. Red is typically a color indicating ‘alert’ or ‘danger’, right? The red on this trail proved to be no exception.

The red on my face as we reached the first switchback after climbing what seemed to be a straight vertical ascent was a good indication of the danger my heart was in of popping out the top of my head.

We all started out in a tight little group. As I made it to the first switchback, the group had turned into two groups: the first being the trail guide, kids & most of the other group leaders & the second consisting of me & one other leader. He stayed behind with me either because he thought I was pretty cool & wanted to kick it with me or he was wanting to make a note of where I collapsed so he could retrieve my carcass on the way back - & let the kids poke me with sticks & laugh.

Initially, trying to play it cool, I’d stop when I needed to get my pulse down below 200 & take a few pictures (I figured I’d document my last moments on Earth for T to cherish). About ten minutes later, I gave up the charade, as the sound of me gasping for air & clutching my chest kind of ruined the illusion that I was just stopping to take pictures. I would’ve gladly passed out & fallen into the brush on either side of the trail, were it not for my innate dislike of being eaten by rattlesnakes.

We finally caught up with the rest of the group at a level spot in the trail where I decided that I’d uh…set up base camp & sent the rest onward. One of the kids was going to stay, but decided to go along with the rest. I guess the thought of climbing another 800 feet straight up sounded better than keeping the coyotes from eating my body after I keeled over. Kids these days, I tell you; no sense of adventure.

As I stood there, alone with only the sound of the wind through the tall grass & the machinegun pounding of my pulse in my ears, a voice that I hadn’t heard in a long time started speaking. It was the voice of the explorer in me, the explorer that, when I was a kid, would’ve had all of the hills & mines in this area thoroughly explored & mapped out; the explorer who always wanted to see what was over the next hill. So, at the behest of that voice, I pushed onward & upward from my comfortable little flat spot. About a hundred feet later, when met with another nearly vertical climb, the explorer in me, who apparently hadn’t looked in the mirror anytime lately & noticed that he was about a hundred pounds heavier, pressed me to go on, saying “It’s only a little further! We can do it!”

The explorer in me was then issued a severe beat down by my common sense & sense of self-preservation, bound, gagged & forbidden to offer any input for the rest of the hike.

Soon, the others were making there way on down the hill & I proceeded to do the same. As it was on the way up, I was soon passed by one group & left to forge my own way down. (At least this time there was another group a ways behind me, so I didn’t feel like a complete loser.) Now, most people will tell you that it’s harder to go down a hill than to climb one, saying that it’s hard on the knees trying to control your descent. While this is true, going downhill didn’t cause my aortic valve to nearly burst, as going uphill did. The way I see it, I can recover from knee replacement surgery a lot quicker than I can a heart attack.

I finally made it back down, just in time for one of the leaders to return from dropping off the first batch of hikers. We went back to our picnic area, ‘qued up some hot dogs (which probably didn’t do my heart any favors, but, hey, I could at least breathe & my case of jelly legs had momentarily ceased) & then called it a night.

So, since this entry didn’t start out with “Day 2: Rations dwindling. Have eaten all the children. Forced to eat own socks & a soup made from rocks & sweat. Can’t go on much longer,” I’d say that the hike wasn’t a complete wash. I even learned something in the process:

If anyone ever suggests taking the red trail again, I’ll stay at the picnic area & cook up dinner.

Ooo…maybe some cinnamon chili or squeeze cheese nachos!

Surfacing

Hello, Loyal Readers!

Just a quick note to say that I haven't forgotten to post, nor am I at a loss for witty & humorous things to write about. It's just that I've taken on an online English class this summer that's kind of consuming a lot of my writing time & mental resources. Fortunately, for both you & I, it's only a six week class & I've just finished week two.

And there was much rejoicing (yay)...

In the meantime, I've noticed a few regulars pinging MLCotW, as well as a few direct hits (I'm in somebody's bookmark list), so, turn off your cloaking devices & delurk! Say hi! Have a cookie!

Please? Knowing that strangers are peeking in on me is doing things to my head. Weird things...

Don't make me call out my unholy robot-armed monkey army!

PS - The first one of you who makes a comment about how the class is obviously not helping with my writing skilz gets a robot monkey arm delivered wedgie.

Robot Monkey Arms

On the way back to work from lunch on Friday’s, I usually listen to ‘Science Friday’ on the local NPR station. They almost always have something that my trivia & useless knowledge hungry brain finds interesting. Today proved to be no exception, for the topic was something about implanting electrodes into the brains of monkeys & training them to use the connection to control a robotic arm, in hopes of one day applying the technology to human quadriplegics & amputees. This was all terribly fascinating, as it usually is.

Unfortunately, though, they let people call in & ask questions. Sometimes, the questions are well thought out, insightful & help to move the topic along. Usually, though, the callers are retards who don’t understand the idea of ‘staying on topic’, ie, the nimrod who called in &, instead of asking something like, oh, “Can the monkeys open bananas with their bionic appendages?”, went on about the degradation of some natural watershed somewhere in New England. (Thankfully, the host got the show back on topic by hanging up on the guy.)

One that actually gave me a giggle, though, was a guy who called up & apparently gave the screener one question that he wanted to ask in order to get on &, instead, asked about the ramifications of outfitting monkeys with robotic arms & the potential for conquest by simian cyborgs in retaliation for all the things we’ve done to them like medical testing, making them wear diapers in public & teaching them how to smoke (lung cancer is the #3 cause of death in chimpanzees, following being eaten by tigers & unicycle accidents). The host & guest kind of laughed it off, but you could hear the concern in their chuckling, as they imagined a world dominated by Coco & Mr. Bubbles.

It could happen, people! Monkeys with robot arms! Haven’t you seen ‘Planet of the Apes’?

Anyway, the last call that I heard was from a representative from the land of the tiny brained people, who asked if there has been any study, whilst attaching robot arm controlling electrodes to their heads, into whether or not monkeys have a conscience. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to hear the guest’s reply, but, if you’ll allow me, I think I can hazard an answer:

*ahem*

Monkeys don’t have consciences. The only thoughts going on in their tiny little skulls are “Ook, ook”, “Banana” & “I wonder how far I can fling my poo with this thing?”

There you have it. Any other deep, philosophical or ethical questions you need answered, Nature Boy? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Anyway – Robot Monkey Arms!


BOW BEFORE THE MIGHTY METAL LIMBS OF OUR PRIMATE OVERLORDS!

Note: Evil red eyes added for effect; our monkey rulers may or may not have red eyes. I mean, yeah, they'll still be evil & all, but...

"A world without Harvey Korman — it's a more serious world" - Mel Brooks

I remember watching the Carol Burnett Show as a kid & laughing my tail off at the skits with Harvey Korman & Tim Conway.



*sigh*

Rest In Peace, Mr. Korman. Thank you for the laughter. I know you're up there giving God a good laugh.

No, No, No, No...

Why? Why would even a low budget company do this?

Plan 9 From Outer Space to be remade

I think I'll go put my head in the oven now.

10,000!

I've finally reached 10,000 hits here at MLCotW!

And the 10,000th hit belongs to...

Amy of Bad Groove!

Congratulations Amy & thank you for helping my achieve this momentous milestone, only 5 years in the making!

Thanks to all of you who peek in here from time to time (even you lurkers - why don't you come out into the light?). I like knowing that there are a few people out there who take time from their busy routines to check in on the inane Star Wars related ramblings & deranged celebrity letters.

Thank you for not alerting the proper authorities.

#1 Fan

I just don't understand why I'm always getting restraining orders from celebrities. I always write them the nicest letters...

Dear Yoda –
Hi! How are you? I am fine. I am your #1 fan.

I have been your #1 fan since I first saw you in The Empire Strikes Back (well, at that time, I was your #2 fan; Billy Jenkins in my class was #1 until his “accident” on the swing set at recess). I have dressed up like you every Halloween since then. Even though you are only 2 ½ feet tall & I’m 6’2”, I still dress up like you by wearing a really big t-shirt, pulling my knees up to my chest & tying them in place & draping the shirt over them; I also stop showering about a month before Halloween so I can even smell like you must have when you lived in the swamps on Dagobah. Because it is really hard to walk with your legs tied to your chest & my dad can’t carry me in his backpack (just like you & Luke Skywalker!) since he hurt his back on Halloween ’99, I built a replica of your Jedi hover chair out of balsa wood, tin foil & some of my mom’s Ladies Home Journal magazines. It fits over my old Radio Flyer wagon & my dad can pull me in it. It is so cool! I have even learned to talk like you (talk like you, I have learned. See? I really am your #1 fan! I mean - #1 fan, I am!).

Some people (my mom & dad, co-workers, doctors, other so-called “fans” on the StarWars.com forum) have told me that you are not real, that you were a Muppet in “Empire” & a computer image in Episodes I-III, but I do not believe them. I have seen Muppets before & you look nothing like Kermit the Frog or Grover. And how could they make a computer picture jump around like you did when you fought Count Dooku & Palpatine? You even talked to the other Jedi in the movie – computer pictures can’t do that! That is just silly! Someone even tried to tell me that you died in Return of the Jedi, but I know you were just play acting for the movie. I know that movies are not really real. Again, that is just silly.

You never responded to my last few letters asking you to me my Jedi teacher. I know you probably think that 37 is too old to start training, but I know I can do it. I’ve even cut my hair, except for a long piece behind my right ear that I braided into a Padawan Braid. I’ve tried building my own lightsaber, but have not had much success (I guess that is something to learn later in my training). Even so, I know the Force is strong in me. The other day, after I had eaten a Macho Combo Burrito from Del Taco, I farted in the TV room. By using my Jedi mind powers, though, I got everyone to believe that the dog had done it.

I have to go now because my mom needs to use the computer to look up some casserole recipe that she saw on Rachel Rae’s show.

May the Force be with you

Your #1 fan

-Jay

Star Wars Interview 2

Hello again, Loyal Readers!

I’m pleased to bring you another interview with someone who’s been a part, in one way or another, of Star Wars history. Someone who, while not in an official Star Wars movie, made his mark in a movie nonetheless.

So, without a long, drawn out introduction, ladies & gentlemen, please help me give a warm welcome to – Star Wars Kid!

Me: Welcome, Star Wars Kid! Thank you for joining us here.

SWK: Thank you for having me. It’s nice to be out of my mom’s basement. By the way, I really liked your interview with Lobot.

Me: Thanks! That means a lot!

To bring my readers up to speed a bit, Star Wars Kid –

SWK: You can just call me “Kid.”

Me: Oh. I bet that’s what all your friends call you, eh?

SWK: No. I wish they would, though.

*sigh* If I had any friends.

(awkward silence)

Me: Um…OK…”Kid” is the star of the ‘net wide viral video sensation, “Star Wars Kid,” in which Kid shows off his mad lightsaber spinning skillz -

SWK: I’m so lonely…

Me: Yeah…well…I…I’m sure it’s not all that bad. The video’s been out for what, about six, seven years? I’m sure you’ve had all sorts of people wanting to be friends with the famous “Star Wars Kid!”

SWK: If by being my friend you mean giving me wedgies for the past seven years, then, yeah, I’m quite the celebrity.

Me: Um…let’s move on, shall we?

SWK: Sure. It’s not like I’ve got much on my calendar.

Me: That’s the spirit! So, what was your inspiration, other than the obvious, to create the video?

SWK: I made it to impress a girl in second period English. I gave it to her one day & the next week, it was posted on the internet.

I had to move to a different school after that.

Me: Uh…sorry to hear that. Kids can be so cruel.

SWK: Tell me about it. I went to nine different schools after that. I even got laughed out of some Amish school – they don’t even have computers!

Me: Well, let’s talk about what you’ve been up to lately. I understand that you…dude – did you just pick your nose?

SWK: Huh? Um…no?

Me: Yes you did! You had your finger like, two knuckles deep – hey! Don’t wipe it under the chair!

SWK: (waves hand in front of me) You didn’t see anything.

Me: Wha? Stop that!

SWK: These are not the boogers you’re looking for.

Me: Quit that! You’re not a Jedi!

SWK: Yes I am! (reaches out open hand toward my throat) I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Me: You’re not & I find your geekiness disturbing. Besides, that is the lamest Darth Vader Force choke I’ve ever seen.

SWK: You mock my mad Jedi skillz?!? (jumps up & extends a toy lightsaber) En garde!

Me: Oh, now you’re a French Jedi? You are such a weenie! No wonder you still get picked on!

SWK: No I don’t! I’m famous! I’m loved the whole ‘net over! I’ve got one of the most viewed videos on YouTube! (swings lightsaber at me)

Me: You just keep telling yourself that! You’re pathetic, you dateless wonder! (I parry with my own toy lightsaber which I carry around for just such events)

SWK: I am not! I just haven’t found the right girl!

Me: FREAK!

SWK: UNBELIEVER!!

Me: ETERNAL VIRGIN!!!

SWK: THAT WASN”T NICE!!!! (misses me, stumbles & falls over) *sob* I’M TELLING MY MOM!!!!

Me: Bring it on, Staypuft! I’ll take you & your mom on!

SWK: (runs from room) MOOOOOOOooooooom…

Me: Well, that was certainly…interesting. Join me again for another interview with some obscure person who has some passing affiliation with Star Wars. Good night, & may the Force be with you!

Star Wars Interview

Greetings, Loyal Readers!

Everybody remembers a great leader. Everyone’s familiar with George Washington, Hannibal, Winston Churchill – heck, even some less illustrious leaders like Hoover get some love on PBS & the History Channel from time to time (& he doesn’t even have his face on a piece of currency). But no one ever remembers the people who helped these historical giants get to their lofty places in our textbooks & on cable TV. No one ever pays attention to the guy who made sure Washington’s teeth stayed termite free; no one ever talks about the guy who went about ordering up all those elephant poo bags for Hannibal’s invasion over the Italian Alps; there’s never any mention of the guy who kept Churchill’s derbies clean & cigars clipped.

Ladies & gentlemen, I’m talkin’ ‘bout the assistants – those high level grunts who work & slave to make sure their boss looks good. Today, it’s my great pleasure to introduce one of the most famous administrative assistants in the known galaxy.

OK, in the Star Wars galaxy…

Please join me in giving a warm welcome to the Administrator of Cloud City, Loren “Lobot” Botinski!

Me: Thank you for granting us this privilege, Mr. Botinski! It’s truly an honor to have you here!

Lobot: Thank you for having me - & please, call me Lobot.

Me: Very well, Lobot. To give some of my readers who actually have a life a little background, Lobot is –

Lobot: was…

Me: Excuse me - was the administrative assistant to Lando Calrissian, Administrator of Cloud City on the gas planet Bespin in the movie The Empire Strikes Back. Lobot, even though you had no speaking parts in the film, you were able to convey so much with just a simple opening of your eyes or pointing. In fact, I’m sure that many of my readers will be surprised to find out that you talk at all.

Lobot: Oh, get a couple beers in me & I can talk your ear off! (laughs) Actually, in the original script, I had a long monologue about the oppression leveled upon the good people of Cloud City with the arrival of the Imperial forces. It was beautiful, eloquent & meaningful. Unfortunately, it was whittled down to the scene where Lando contacts me & I open my eyes, in order to squeeze in a few more scenes of Lando hitting on Princess Leia.

Me: That must’ve bothered you a little bit…

Lobot: Well, it did initially. I was mad. I’d worked hard to get those lines down – hired a diction coach & everything. I worked out. Then, I was told that my part had been cut. My dreams of getting off this forsaken gas ball lay on the cutting room floor. I plotted my revenge. It was going to be sweet, (unnerving grin spreads across his face) ending with the total destruction & loss of everything Lando held dear…*ahem* but, life goes on, heh, heh. Besides, I’m not one to hold a grudge.

Me: Yeah…okay. Um…What was life like during Calrissian’s run as administrator?

Lobot: Lando was a fair administrator; pretty laid back, most of the time. When things needed to get done, though, he knew who to turn to.

Me: I’ll bet he did! There were some high profile incidences that happened while he was there, though: a couple sexual harassment claims, some charges of misappropriation of funds. Can you tell us anything about those?

Lobot: Well, I can’t go into too much detail. Let’s just say that, contrary to what the ads say, Colt .45 doesn’t work every time with the ladies. And, unfortunately, Lando had a well known gambling problem. While the charges were all eventually dropped, it was still a sad time for all involved in his administration.

Me: I can only imagine. Let’s talk about something a little lighter – your uniform. What was up with that?

Lobot: Oh yes, the puffy sleeves & grey slacks ensemble. Well, you have to remember, this was the early 80’s. Disco was breathing its very last breath & a lot of hipsters were selling off their wardrobes full of polyester leisure suits & platform shoes to make room for racks & racks of skinny ties. Lando, in a malt liquor induced purchasing frenzy, bought up several sets of puffy sleeved shirts & grey slacks at yard sale on Dantooine. After he sobered up & realized what he’d done, he told me that he’d spent twenty years worth of uniform budgets on the clothes & that I’d have to make due until there was some money in the budget again. It was only recently that I was able to procure some more stylish clothes.

Me: And some very nice threads they are. Armani?

Lobot: Thank you - & yes, Armani.

Me: Things must be going well for your budget to afford such nice clothing.

Lobot: Yes, things have been going quite well, but anyone can dress nicely & not break the bank. The trick is to check the clearance racks. And shop at outlet stores when possible.

Me: Sage advice. How have things been in the years since Lando’s departure?

Lobot: Quite good. The Tibana gas market has been steady for some time now & our tourist industry has simply exploded. We had a little bit of tension when Lando’s younger brother, Ted, took over, trying to change Cloud City from a mining colony to a casino.

Me: I guess the gambling bug was pretty strong in the Calrissian family.

Lobot: Indeed. After Ted’s “departure,” we decided to keep the casino going & reopened some of the Tibana gas platforms to provide some ancillary income. Things were looking up until we had a minor labor dispute with the Ugnaughts about fifteen years ago, shortly after the Empire fell. The market was a shamble; Tibana gas prices plummeted. Nobody wanted to come to a floating casino that smelled of short, pig-faced people & gas. It really wasn’t a good time for the Ugnaughts to start making demands…

Me: What did they want?

Lobot: Shorter workdays, safer working environments, dental coverage, new overalls, step stools. They called in their union reps & we had a nice little chat. Since our rep was an IG-00 model assassin droid, the talks went favorably our way when he vaporized their union reps. Haven’t had any problems with them since.

Me: I believe it was Al Capone who said “You get more with a kind word & a gun than with a kind word alone.”

Lobot: True. Very true. And, fortunately, we had the gun! laughs

(face becomes dead serious) But, seriously, we don’t have any problems with the workforce anymore.

Me: Um…okay. I understand that Ted disappeared under some mysterious circumstances right before you took over –

Lobot: What do you mean, “mysterious circumstances”? (leans in toward me) What are you trying to say? (points to guards; guards advance toward me) Are you insinuating something?

Me: Um…er…no. Not at all. What I meant…uh…that is…I thought that…”Mysterious Circumstances” was the name of a starship?

Lobot: That’s what I thought. (points again at guards, who back off)

Me: Moving right along – many have wondered exactly what the function was of the piece of hardware around the back of your head. Was it some kind of device that kept you in contact with the City’s central computer or some kind of communications system?

Lobot: Neither, actually. It originally was an 8-track tape player that Lando had installed in my head. He had me double as a boombox for his “Ladies Night” parties. When that media fell out of favor, he had me refitted with a cassette deck, which was nicer, as it was a lot lighter. It was a bear, though, when the tape would bunch up. With CD technology came another upgrade, although, given the bulk of the player, it made it difficult to lie on my back. Thanks goodness for MP3 technology!

Me: I did notice that the device seemed a bit slimmer.

Lobot: Thank you! I think it makes my head look a bit more natural.

Me: Well, Lobot, that’s all the time we have for now. Thank you again for your time.

Lobot: The pleasure was all mine, I assure you.

Me: One last thing: could you do your signature open-eyes-&-point for all of your fans out there?

Lobot: I’d be delighted.

(Opens eyes; points)

Me: Thank you again, Lobot.

Lobot: Anytime…

Wrongful Death Civil Suit Leveled Against Solo & The Galactic Alliance

CORUSCANT – The family of a traveling salesbeing & rumored smalltime bounty hunter have filed a wrongful death lawsuit against General Han Solo & the Galactic Alliance, according to court documents filed at the Central Supreme Court on Coruscant. The suit was filed earlier this week by attorney Xiabo Crex on behalf of the widow & children of Greedo, a Rodian allegedly in the employ of the late Jabba the Hutt, a well known & notorious gangster on the Outer Rim planet of Tatooine.

The suit claims that current surveillance footage of an event that took place some 30 years ago in the Mos Eisley Cantina in Mos Eisley Spaceport, Tatooine, had been doctored & that Gen. Solo, former smuggler & highly decorated & respected General of the Galactic Alliance, shot first & killed Greedo, not the other way around, as the widely accepted surveillance footage shows. At a news conference yesterday, Crex said that “a package, covered in hair & teeth marks & smelling of wet fur, & containing what is believed to be the original, untouched surveillance video,” was sent to his office two months ago. “It seems that someone has gone to great lengths to besmirch the name of my client’s husband by fixing & circulating footage showing Mr. Greedo shooting at Gen. Solo first. Ladies & gentlemen, a cover-up spanning 30 plus years & involving the highest offices of the Alliance has been discovered & we plan to bring those responsible for it to justice. We are also asking for compensatory damages in the amount of 3.2 million Galactic credits.”

When asked about rumors that the video not only shows Greedo pulling a blaster on Gen. Solo & trying to extort money from him, but that he was also working for Jabba the Hutt, Crex replied “Poppycock & balderdash! My client’s husband was an honest, upstanding sentient. He was an itinerant blaster polish salesman & was merely showing Gen. Solo the effects of his product. It is our contention, & the video backs this up, that Han Solo shot first, killing Mr. Greedo in cold blood.”

Crex continues, “Gen. Solo has a less than savory history: he started out at the Imperial Academy before dropping out & becoming a spice smuggler; he then joined up with the Rebellion, who were obviously desperate for personnel, so much so that they completely overlooked & wiped clean his past criminal record. That is why we have included the government of the Galactic Alliance, having been born out of the Rebellion, in our suit.”

For years, conspiracy theorists have claimed that Solo did indeed shoot first. On his deathbed, Q’iwi A’da, a Jawa from Tatooine, had claimed to have witnessed the whole thing. “Dad said he’d gone into the cantina to get out of the twin mid-day suns of Tatooine - I mean, look at us; it gets hot in these robes!” claims Q’awa A’da, the elder A’da’s son. “Anyway, he said that he saw a wookiee & two humans, or “Pinks” as he called them, leave Solo. Solo got up to leave & was met by a Rodian, who he sat down at a table with. A couple minutes later, he heard the sound of one blaster shot – only one - & saw the Rodian slump to the table.”

Wuher, owner of the popular Papa Wuher's Authentic Mon Calimarian Fish & Chip's seafood chain & then bartender at the cantina, claimed to have been in the storeroom at the time of the incident. “I was, um…conducting business with some associates of mine, when I heard a ruckus out on the floor. I was trying to avoid any Imperial involvement, having just cleaned up after another incident a few minutes earlier between some old coot with a lightsaber & an Aqualish. Back then, in that business in particular, you did everything you could to avoid having an Imperial garrison station itself in your establishment. At any rate, I heard some yelling & came out just in time to have Solo toss me an Imperial credit. I’ll never forget what he said – ‘Sorry about the mess’ - & how he casually strolled on out.”

Stories of Solo’s rough treatment of others have recently surfaced. A protocol droid, who asked to remain anonymous, said “Gen. Solo has threatened to have me deactivated on several occasions. He has the foulest temperament of any human I’d ever come in contact with. I would merely be pointing out the statistical odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field & he’d go into a rage. I really don’t know what the Princess sees in him. As I'm only programmed for etiquette & protocol, I'm really not all that knowledgeable about human emotions.”

Ewok Chief Wickett of Endor made similar claims. “He kept calling me ‘Fuzzball’ & using my little brother as a shoe buffer. I wonder if he ever figured out who peed in his boot? Heh, heh.”

“That pirate stole my ship from me!” claimed another anonymous source. “That game of Sabacc was rigged & he knows it! I was so glad to see his sorry butt encased in carbonite.”

As to the identity of the sender, Crex says that he has no idea who the informant might be. “Given Solo’s history, this being could be anyone from a jilted lover to someone high up in the Alliance government. One thing's for sure: justice will be served.”

A statement issued by Gen. Solo's office calls the suit "frivolous" & "without merit" & says that the General "will be vindicated."

His co-pilot & trusted friend, Chewbacca the Wookiee, could not be reached for comment.

Horrific Looking Qualifying Crash at Texas Motorspeedway

Hi folks. Amy from Badgroove.com again here. Just sharing an amazing video of the crash that happened today (to a rookie no less) during qualifying at Texas Motor Speedway. Wow.

Click here to view video.

40 Odd Things

Lisa tagged me and I decided to play along...over here on J's blog (this is Amy of Badgroove again...keeping you all entertained while J is learning to limbo on a cruise ship somewhere in the pacific).

1. Do you like blue cheese salad dressing? Emphatically NO

2. Have you ever smoked heroin? No.

3. Do you own a gun? Own NO but I have shot 'em before (target practice...not at a person).

4. What's your favorite drink at Starbucks or other specialty coffee shop? Venti Iced Black Tea Lemonade Sweetened with Classic, extra ice.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? depends on the appointment.

6. What do you think of hot dogs? If I am in the mood for them I think YUM.

7. Favorite Christmas song? O Holy Night (as sung by Martina McBride).

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Sometimes I am in the mood for juice (almost always Orange or Cranberry Cocktail...sometimes though..nothing satisfies like a diet coke.

9. Can you do push ups? I think maybe a couple (stealing Lisa's Answer here).

10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? I don't wear jewelery very often...but I have a couple charm bracelets I like (sentimental value mostly).

11. Favorite hobby? Crocheting I guess...hard to pick just one.

12. Do you have A.D.D.? No

13. What's one trait that you hate about yourself? I tend to clam up at the worst times.


14. Middle name? Katherine

15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment. I wonder what is going on in this story I am writing (it kinda has a life of its own). Why does my tongue hurt? Is it 5:00 pm yet?

16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? Diet Coke. Water. Venti Iced teas.

17. Current worry right now? Trying to figure out how/if I can afford to go to the FONTANA race.

18. Current hate right now? This new system at work we are supporting.

19. Favorite place to be? Home

20. How did you bring in the New Year? Hanging out in Vegas.

21. Do you like to travel? YES

22. Name three people who will complete this? If you wanna do this do it..then leave J and I a comment here so we know you played along.

23. Do you own slippers? Yes but I never wear them.

24. What color shirt are you wearing? pea green

25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? I don't think I ever have.

26. Can you whistle? Yes

27. Favorite color? Purple

28. Would you be a pirate? No

29. What songs do you sing in the shower? Lately its been "Pictures To Burn" by Taylor Swift

30. Favorite girl's names? Emily, Elizabeth, Emma (how weird they all start with E)

31. Favorite boy's name? Gwain (I know...my mom has told me this child is just a target for bullies), Steven, Montgomery

32. What's in your pocket right now? Four dollars.

33. Last thing that made you laugh? Something my best friend said but I can't rememeber exactly what it was.

34. Best bed sheets as a child? Mickey and Minnie Mouse. I still have one of the pillow cases.

35. Worst injury you've ever had? Dislocated my right knee.

36. Do you love where you live? Its ok.

37. How many TVs do you have in your house? 3

38. Who is your loudest friend? I honestly can't think of any loud friends. My dad is kinda loud though. I hope this doesn't mean that I am the loud one.

39. How many pets do you have? 1 my beagle Roxy.

40. Does someone have a crush on you? Not that I know of.

41. What is your favorite book? The Outsiders by SE Hinton

42. What is your favorite candy? Lindt Milk Chocolate Truffles (good one Lisa...stealing this too)

43. Favorite Sports Team? Joe Gibbs Racing

44. What were you doing 12 AM last night? Sleeping

45. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Urg isn't it saturday yet?

Return of the Idiot Driver

Hello MLCOTW folks. You usual host J is prancing around on a ship somewhere warm drinking nonalcoholic umbrella drinks and wearing leopard print. He trustingly left me with the keys to his kingdom so I am here to entertain you with my wit and humor. What? You have no idea who I am? It is me: Amy (from Badgroove)...the one who ocassionally leaves J snarky comments about how he doesn't post nearly as often as he should. Anyway...on to today's post about Idiot drivers.

Ok...so this morning I am driving to work and it is fairly early into my drive to work. I am on a road that has two lanes going each way. I am in the far right lane going my direction because pretty soon the road ends in a T and I need to go right to get to where I need to go. Anyway, in the left lane is a white mercury milan and I just have the feeling that he is going to need over into my lane. So I slow down so he has room to get over...but Mr. Milan never puts on his blinker nor does he actually make a move into my lane. He starts to slow a bit- but I maintain my speed and in doing this end up pulling along side him, the nose of my car (A 2008 Chevy HHR - so not a small car by any means) parallel to his front passenger door then suddenly he starts to move into my lane. Yes while I am along side of him. Luckily there were no cars parked along the road so I dive in towards the curb (and incidentally towards a bus stop) and honk...basically to say HEY BOZO STOP MERGING INTO MY CAR. His reaction is to slam on his breaks- and give ME the finger. Nice! Would he rather I just stay there and let him hit me??

So play along...what was your most recent run-in with an idiot with a drivers license?

He has risen!

Mark 16:1-6

1When the Sabbath was over, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome bought spices so that they might go to anoint Jesus' body. 2Very early on the first day of the week, just after sunrise, they were on their way to the tomb 3and they asked each other, "Who will roll the stone away from the entrance of the tomb?"

4But when they looked up, they saw that the stone, which was very large, had been rolled away. 5As they entered the tomb, they saw a young man dressed in a white robe sitting on the right side, and they were alarmed.

6"Don't be alarmed," he said. "You are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who was crucified. He has risen! He is not here. See the place where they laid him.

An Idle Mind Is The Devil’s Playground

And, boy, was my mind idle when I thought this up!

T’s got a class reunion coming up this summer, which she’d like me to go to; I think mainly so that she can prove to people that I’m not her imaginary husband. Not being the most social of people or very comfortable in strange places with crowds of strange people, I started thinking of a way that I could have at least a little fun with the situation.

I decided to come up with a list of jobs that I’d tell different people when I’m inevitably cornered & forced to play ’20 Questions’ by some inebriated stranger & T’s out of earshot not around to run interference.

Feel free to use any of these at your next awkward social gathering.

Astronaut
Fighter Pilot
Inventor of the .mp3 file format
Llama farmer
Inland Empire NAACP chapter president (remember, I’ll be in the South)
Midget pr0n director
Sea Monkey breeder
Kiefer Sutherland’s stunt double
One of the Oceanic Six
Ghost hunter
Shipping clerk
‘Chunk’ in ‘Goonies: The Musical’
CEO of a company that pulls nails from old boards, straightens them out & resells them
Medicine expiration date tester
Ninja
Inland Empire GLAAD chapter president (again, I’ll be in the South)
An Ewok in Return of the Jedi
The actor who plays ‘Jack’ in the Jack in the Box commercials
Professional chin model
Clone War reenacter
Topiary maintenance manager at Neverland Ranch
Superhero
Geneticist developing the world’s first long-tailed hamster
The ad executive who came up with the ‘Head-On’ advertisement campaign
Death
Ninth row, second from the left clone trooper in scene #732 of ‘Revenge of the Sith’
Inland Empire Communist Party chapter president (geez, am I trying to get myself killed?)
The actor who played ‘Cousin Oliver’ on ‘The Brady Bunch’
Gladiator
A time traveling soldier from the future trying to save T from an unstoppable killer cyborg masquerading as a state governor
The last actor to play the ‘Hamburglar’ in a McDonald’s commercial
The body double for all of the ‘Before’ pictures in weight loss ads
A witty, popular & influential Blogger

Phrases I Need To Learn In Spanish

When not dumbfounded by the antics of young Emerson or the several appearances of his mother’s whale tail, something else happened at the carwash Sunday that resulted in the epiphany found in the title of this here post.

Let me give you a little non-Emerson or whale tail related background; the whole reason for going to this particular vehicle de-dirting station was due to the fact that I had – a coupon! And not just any coupon, nosireebob! This was a coupon for the extra special wash/wax/hot wax/tire shine & air freshener spritz deal which usually costs about $15, all for the low, low price of $10.99 ($9.99 every day except Friday-Sunday). A pretty schweet deal at a business that I’ve always enjoyed patronizing.

All was going well with the wash (hell child & unsolicited thong appearances aside). The Cruiser was in & out of the wash cycle before The Boy & I knew it. Quick as a flash, our attendant was out drying, buffing & polishing nearly every inch of the car. With a tap of the horn & a twirl of his drying rag, we were soon to be on our way; but first, there was the issue of our non-existent air freshener. And the fact that our attendant spoke not a lick of English.

I take that back; he knew exactly one word that sounded sorta English-y.

The conversation went something like this:

Me: Um…did you add the air freshener?
Attendant, puzzled nodding: Yuh
Me: The air freshener – did you add it?
Attendant, uneasy nodding: Yuh?
Me: Is the air freshener just really mild? Because I can’t smell anything.
Attendant, panicked nodding: Yuh!

And with that, he ran off to get a translator, who told him to add the requested (& purchased) air freshener.

He returned with a squirt bottle full of liquefied new car scent & proceeded to liberally spray the floor mats of the Cruiser. Actually, “spray” would be a gross understatement.

“Drown” would be a more accurate description.

We tipped our monolingual friend & took off, soon realizing that a) the smell of the air freshener was one of the most noxious smells that I’ve not produced myself & b) we couldn’t roll the windows down without smearing them with water. Thus, we were forced to crank the a/c up in a vain attempt to blow fresh, non-new car scented air in our face & not pass out.

So, having survived Emerson & the thong monster & a chemical attack from a foreign national on my car, I’ve decided to create a list of helpful phrases in Spanish to carry around, just in case I come across another car wash employee armed with a Squirt Gun O’ Terror:

Where is the bathroom, please? ¿Dónde está el cuarto de baño, por favor?

May I please use your phone? ¿Puedo satisfacer uso su teléfono?

How much is my bail? ¿Cuánto es mi fianza?

Do you accept cash? ¿Usted acepta efectivo?

Would you accept my sister? She is a hard worker. ¿Usted aceptaría a mi hermana? Ella es trabajador duro.

Please only spray a little air freshener in my car. Pine scent, if you have it. Rocíe por favor solamente un poco ambientador del aire en mi coche. Olor del pino, si usted lo tiene.

Please cease the chemical weapons assault on my car! ¡Cese por favor el asalto químico de las armas en mi coche!

Where are the wookiee’s pants? (You never know) ¿Dónde están los pantalones de los wookiee?

Emerson! Open your ears! (Maybe Emerson only understood Spanish?) ¡Emerson! ¡Ábrase los oídos!

Ma’am, your thong is showing. La señora, su correa está demostrando.

Got any more, Loyal Readers?

We're Huge In Belgium

Behold - one of the coolest things in the world:



Darth in the Sky

Meme Madness

Amy sent this to me &, as she answered “Jay” to question #24 (“Who is least likely to respond?”), I decided that I’d not only prove her wrong, but I’d also show her up by stealing the questions & turning them into a meme post.

Because I’m original like that, yo!

The 2008 Edition of Getting to Know Your Friends

1. What is your occupation? Shipping Wage Monkey.
2. What color are your socks right now? White bootie socks (it was supposed to be warm today; needless to say, I’m freezing). (*Edit: It’s warmed up now! Yay for bootie socks!)
3. What are you listening to right now? The voices in my head.
4. What was the last thing that you ate? A blueberry breakfast bar thingy. (*Edit: I’ve since had lunch – this was a long meme!)
5. Can you drive a stick shift? If I had to. I’m terribly uncoordinated &, as I drive 2 footed in an automatic, have the unfortunate tendency to push the clutch in when I want to brake. It’s usually a pretty scary moment.
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Probably one of those that never get used, like burnt umber or yellow/green.
7. Last person you spoke to on the phone? T
8. Do you like the person who sent this to you? But, of course! (Now, where’s my $5, Amy?)
9. How old are you today? 36. I think. Um..wait..no…uhhh…pass! Pass!
10. Favorite drink? Soda pop, iced tea.
11. What is your favorite sport to watch? I groove on the X Games when they come around.
12. Have you ever dyed your hair? Nope. I have had my head shaved though. Does “scalp” count as a color?
13. Pets? The Boy has a goldfish & I’ve finally convinced T that rats aren’t icky, so I may have one again in the future.
14. Favorite food? The shorter list would be my non-favorites. Pizza & cheeseburgers are probably at the top of the favorites list, though.
15. Last movie you watched? Cloverfield – yeah!
16. Favorite Day of the year? Saturday. All of ‘em.
17. What do you do to vent anger? Growl. Grumble. Make up new swear words. Blow things up in videogames.
18. What was your favorite toy as a child? My Star Wars (duh!) & GI Joe toys!
19. What is your favorite season? Fall
20. Hugs or kisses? Either way, it’s dinner & a movie first, Slick.
21. Cherry or Blueberry? Both! Although, we found through experimentation (not my own stupidity, this time) that berries & pears do not a good pie filling make.
22. Do you want your friends to email you back? That would imply that I emailed them in the first place.
23. Who is most likely to respond? See #22.
24. Who is least likely to respond? See #22.
25. What happened to #25? Yeah, Amy – where’d it go?
26. When was the last time you cried? I seem to recall a tear or two when I first saw T coming down the aisle in her wedding dress. And I cried like a frickin’ baby when “Townies” was cancelled. Poor Molly Ringwald – will she ever get another break?
27. What is on the floor of your closet? Carpeting. Oh, & the Super Bucket O’ Dirty Clothes (currently unoccupied).
28. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to? Again, see #22. Way to rub in the whole lack of friends, meme…
29. Who is the friend you have had the shortest that you are sending this to? *sob!*
30. Favorite smells? Of my own or that I’ve come across? Oh…um…the ocean/beach. Fresh cut lawn. Cookies, cookies, cookies!
31. Who inspires you? Clowns, balloons & carny folk. Oh…”inspires,” not “perspires.” I wondered why the question sounded wrong.
32. What are you afraid of? Clowns, balloons & balloon making clowns. Not a fear, so much as a deep dislike.
33. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? I don’t believe I’ve had a spicy burger, so I’ll go with B – cheese.
34. Favorite car? The late 80’s Lamborghini Countach. Beauty, speed & horrible gas mileage. What more could you want out of a dream car?
35. Favorite cat breed? Fried.
36. Number of keys on your key ring? Geez, didn’t I do a post on this a few months ago? Pay attention, meme!
37. How many years at your current job? I’m in my 13th glorious year with The Company.
38. Favorite day of the week? Any that don’t have the word “work” in front of them.
39. How many states have you lived in? As a resident? Only Cali. That I lived in whilst training? 2 more – Texas & Mississippi.
40. Do you think you're funny? Well, duh! I’m a friggin’ riot!

4 Things

T sent these questions to me in an email a few days ago. I answered the questions & then replied to everyone that she’d sent it to, which explains the weird looks & hushed tones at church on Sunday.

Anyway…

4 Things

A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Wage Monkey
2. Box boy at Stater Bros grocery store (for a whole two weeks - apparently, speed & the ability to find your way around the store are core requirements - who knew?)
3. Switchboard operator (a job that's every bit as thrilling as the name implies)
4. US Air Force, handling top secret messages & whatnot

B) Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Star Wars
2. The Empire Strikes Back
3. Return of the Jedi
4. Pippi on the High Seas (just kidding about #2)

C) Four places I have lived:
1. Yucaipa
2. Redlands
3. Rialto
4. San Antonio, TX/Biloxi, MS (at the same time - there was a warp in time & space that allowed me to occupy two places at once; stupid physicists don't know anything!)

D) Four TV Shows that I watch:
1. Heroes
2. Lost
3. Sabado Gigante! (a variety show on Telemundo that goes on for a bajillion hours straight)
4. TV shows that I inadvertently record because I forgot to set the clock on the VCR (they're never as good as what I really wanted to record)

E) Four cool places I have been:
1. The refrigerated storage area in Staters
2. A cemetery in The Middle of Nowhere, Arkansas (that's really its name!)
3. The shower when Tammie leaves the bathroom door open (brrr!)
4. The couch tonight after Tammie reads #3 (just kidding! I love you, Honey! Please quit looking up divorce attorneys!)

F) People who e-mail me regularly
1. Customer Service Rep's
2. Spambots
3. Friend requests on Myspace that turn out to be Spambots
4. Myself (I'm lonely)

G) Four Favorite foods
1. The first two slices of pizza
2. The next two slices of pizza
3. The following two slices of pizza
4. The last two slices of pizza

H) Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Any
2. Where
3. But
4. Here

I) Four friends I think will respond:
1. The Spambots
2. ETS
3. Amy
4.

J) Things I am looking forward to this year:
1. Sitting on the Lido deck with a foofy, non-alcoholic drink in my hand
2. Meeting Tammie's classmates at her reunion as she tries to prove to everyone, once & for all, that I'm not her "imaginary husband"
3. Seeing my sibling's & their kids this summer
4. Answering more email surveys

Super Happy Fun Day!

Today is Foundation Day in Japan.

Tiny women’s undergarments for everyone!

The Answer!

For those two of you who played the “Name That Fib” game that I posted a couple weeks ago – all 2 of you (3, if you count The Boy, who played offline), here’s the answers to my list of interesting facts about me - & the one fib:

1. I’ve been in a music video. – True; I was in the video for Great White’s “Call It Rock & Roll!” OK, I was technically there when it was filmed & the camera panned over the crowd where I was standing. Unfortunately, the light cannons that swooped over the crowd managed to not be on me when the camera went by, so all you can see is a big group of people in a shadow.

*sigh*

2. I’ve found myself in the arms of a queen. – True; Apparently, when I was an infant, I was held by a Rose Queen. I was irresistible to women, even as a baby. They swooned, I tells ya – swooned!

3. I’ve had my artwork exhibited in public. – True; In 1st grade, we were given an assignment to make a Christmas card for the city that we lived in, Colton, that would be blown up & put on a billboard. The only stipulation: we couldn’t put “Merry Christmas Colton” on it (strange, as this was long before rampant PCness overtook everyone’s common sense). So, I made a picture of Santa in a sleigh being pulled by Rudolph – under a banner that read “Merry Christmas Colton” (no one was going to tell this little Rembrandt what to paint. I’ve since named the picture “Vato Santa,” as, because of the abundance of white background in the picture, Santa’s beard didn’t show up very well, so we painted it black, making it look like Santa’s rockin’ a goatee). All of this led to an article & picture in the local paper, as well.

Crap…I just realized that I spent my entire 15 minutes of fame in 1st grade. It’s all been downhill since then.

4. I’ve had an out-of-body experience. True; No, really! When I was about 12 years old, I passed out & hit my head on a cinderblock. While I was out, I could see myself - from up in the air! I could see one of my friends trying to wake me up & his sister running for help. Fortunately, no tunnels with bright lights at the end were involved & I recovered with a sweet scar on my head.

Chicks dig scars.

5. I hold dual citizenship: US & Canadian. – False; For some reason (I dunno, maybe because all three of the participants know me?) this was the one that everyone picked as a total fabrication. Maybe I should’ve gone with my first choice: US & Mongolian.

6. I’ve never drank, smoked or taken illicit drugs. – True; I’ve watched family suffer from the effects of all three, so I figured I didn’t need to tempt fate. Besides, I get enough alcohol from Ny-Quil.

7. When someone says that something is “better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick,” I know, firsthand, just how true that is. True; when I was about 6 or 7 years old, some friends & I were sword fighting with tree branches. The last thing I remember seeing before running off screaming, certain that my eyeball was hanging off the end of the stick, was the tip of one of the branches. Fortunately, it hit where my eyeball & socket meet, so the branch missed hitting anything vital.

8. I’m related to poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, former Vice-President Dan Quayle & pilgrim John Alden. True; Longfellow & Quayle are both direct descendants of John Alden, as am I. For those not up on their history, Alden was one of the Pilgrims that came over on the Mayflower.

He was also portrayed by Elmer Fudd in a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

9. My grandfather was a WWI vet, my dad a WWII vet, my step-dad a Korean War vet & I’m a Gulf War vet. True; My grandfather (on my dad’s side) was stationed overseas during WWI; my father was a radar operator on the USS Grapple in WWII; my step-dad, after finding out that he was a US citizen & having already joined the Royal Air Force, was given the option to return to the US, so long as he entered the draft. He did - & the Korean War broke out, wherein the Army sent him to Germany; & I joined the Air Force about a year before Desert Shield/Storm. I just knew something like that would happen.

10. I have a hard time differentiating left from right &, as a result, have resorted to just pointing & saying “Thataway.” True; Although my internal compass is seldom wrong & I can almost always find North by “feel” alone, I have a defective right/left processor. Since people asking which way to go frequently need an answer fast & they don’t have time for me to recite the Pledge of Allegiance, I just point when giving directions.

So, there you have it. Congrats to Amy, ETS & The Boy. Your prize of a hearty pat on the back & a “Job well done!” is in the mail.

Emerson

Yesterday, whilst washing my car at the Orange Empire Car Wash, a very nice & none too cheap carwash, The Boy & I had the pleasure of meeting 1 ½ year old Emerson & his mother, a so-so attractive woman in her 30’s who drove some fancy-schmancy, $35,000+ SUV.

Of course, by “pleasure,” I mean “unmitigated, slack-jawed horror.”

Now, don’t get me wrong. Emerson seemed to be an average 1 ½ child, prone to sticking everything in arm’s reach in his mouth, including, but not limited to, every piece of candy that the operators of the carwash unwisely placed at ground level. I guess they figured, much like me, that most parents would contain their hellions demon spawn little angels & not let them tear up the displays.

They hadn’t counted on the breeders, apparently.

We watched & listened, as Emerson’s mother, trying to talk to a friend of hers that was there with her & pay for the carwash, did nothing to stop Emerson beyond saying “Emerson! No! Emerson! Emerson! No! Emerson! Etc” Finally, after he opened a box of mints, spilled some on the floor & popped a few in his mouth, his Mother of the Year candidate parent picked him up – but, not before closing the tin & putting it back in the display. (It should be noted that she did come back in & pay for the candy - & complained about having to get back in the line, which consisted of me & one other gentleman)

Oh, did I mention that on the few times she bent down to discipline her child, we were treated to about 3 inches of whale tail sticking out of the back of her pants? Thanks for the show, Emerson’s mom.

Then, it just got better. We went outside to wait for the car. It was here that Emerson decided that the patio wasn’t fun enough & that the parking lot would be much more thrilling. It was also here where my jaw hit the floor & I almost openly wept for the future of the human race, as she said to dear, sweet little Emerson, & I quote, “Emerson! Open your ears!”

Yes, Loyal Readers, she told her 1 ½ year old toddler, who couldn’t do more than squeal & say “No!” & probably couldn’t find his ears if you asked him to, to “open his ears.”

After that, her truck was ready &, when she took her eyes off of Emerson for a second, he dashed out into the parking lot again. I pointed this out to her, but she didn’t seem too concerned. To which I shrugged my shoulders & said “Meh.”

Tag! I’m It!

1/23/08
Amy tagged me with this meme & I figured, since I’ve been a flake about responding to tags for the past, oh, 3 years or so, I’d play along. Except that I won’t be tagging 5 people to carry this on, as the only two bloggers that I know have already done (or might do) this anyway. So, without further ado, here we go:

10 Things That I’ve Done That No One Else Has…At Least That I Know Of

1. ???

1/25/08
OK, I’ve stared at this thing for 2 days now & have no idea what to write. I’ve lead a pretty mundane life, people. I’m pretty sure that most everything I’ve done would be met with a "Meh. Been there, done that" by many people out there. So, with Amy’s blessing, I’m going to put a twist on this little meme. I’m going to list 10 things about me; it’ll be up to you, Loyal Readers, to figure out which one is a slight embellishment. Leave your thoughts in the comments section & next week we’ll find out how well y’all know me.

1. I’ve been in a music video.
2. I’ve found myself in the arms of a queen.
3. I’ve had my artwork exhibited in public.
4. I’ve had an out-of-body experience.
5. I hold dual citizenship: US & Canadian.
6. I’ve never drank, smoked or taken illicit drugs.
7. When someone says that something is “better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick,” I know, firsthand, just how true that is.
8. I’m related to poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, former Vice-President Dan Quayle & pilgrim John Alden.
9. My grandfather was a WWI vet, my dad a WWII vet, my step-dad a Korean War vet & I’m a Gulf War vet.
10. I have a hard time differentiating left from right &, as a result, have resorted to just pointing & saying “Thataway.”

There you go. Feel free to play along. If you do, leave a comment so I can hunt you down see what you wrote.

The One Eyed Man In The Land Of The Blind

I’ve just started my second semester in school.

What? I never told you? Yup, I’ve gone back to school to get me some learnin’ & a proper ejumacation.

Anyway, last semester, being my first time back in 10 years, I took one class – Speech. I find it funny that I’m working toward a Bachelor’s degree in Computer Programming so that I don’t have to deal with people as much as I do now & the first class that I took toward the goal was one that required me to stand up in front of 30 strangers & regale them with my thoughts on b-movies, why Star Wars is better than Star Trek & a recounting of the horror that was my first camping trip.

Got an A in the class, though. Go me!

The classes that I need to take really aren’t that hard. I’ve already got a few under my belt & my Air Force basic training covers any PE requirements, thank goodness. All I need to do is take a few more general ed classes & then I can move on to the local university & knock out a few more computer courses. The only problem is that, due to a defective math gene, I have to start out in the bonehead math class & work my way up through just under a dozen more math classes to calculus.

Oh joy.

So, my plan of attack is to take at least two classes per semester: one that I’ll (hopefully) enjoy & a math class. My hope is that I can get a better grasp of math in college & jump past some of the classes that the school deems necessary. If I follow this plan, I should have my degree just before my 87th birthday.

But, I’ll have a degree, doggoneit!

This semester, I signed up for a history telecourse (gonna see if I can buckle down & follow a class that’s televised & has only 5 meetings) & bonehead math. I’m finding the math class to be a bit difficult, but not in the ways that you might be thinking. The things we’ve been going over are very, very, very, very basic. No, the problems I’m having are a) the instructor’s from Russia & has a very pronounced, Natasha of “Boris & Natasha” fame, accent (if she ever calls someone “Dah-link” or says “Moose & Squirrel,” I think I might die laughing) & b) the class is populated with idiots.

I’m not kidding.

I didn’t think anyone could be worse at math than me. I think it’s more than just that they have a hard time with numbers – I’m surprised that some of these people can blink without instruction. And I mean just one eye at a time – I think their brains would explode if they tried the extremely difficult “Double Blink.” I’m pretty sure that most of the class would have great difficulty counting to 5, even if they were allowed to take their shoes off to quadruple their personal computing power. Granted, the instructor’s teaching method is a bit hard to follow at times, but, so far, we’ve studied basic addition, subtraction & multiplication - things that even I have a firm grasp on. Based on the reactions & questions posited by some of my classmates, you’d think she was teaching Advanced Hyperdrive Mechanics in Huttese. They have a hard time grasping the simple concept of shutting up & taking notes. Or just sitting & listening to the lesson. I am quite literally surrounded by morons. Not just dim bulbs, mind you – no, that would be merely annoying. I’m talking Grade A, 100%, glassy-eyed, slack-jawed, mouth breathers that make me want to do horrendous things to houseplants & barnyard animals.

I swear, if my next course isn’t License Plate Making 101 in San Quentin, it’ll be a miracle.

I’m Not Listening!

*fingers two knuckles deep in ears* LALALALALALALALAAAAAAA…

Anyone who knows my movie watching habits knows that A) I don’t see a lot of (good) movies & B) I generally don’t care if someone tells me the whole plot (including ending) of a movie. By the time I see the movie, I’ve pretty much forgotten what I was told about it or have read about it online. Heck, I looked up & read the script for Episode III a few days before it came out (Oh, c'mon, it’s not like I didn’t already know how it ended).

I’ve made an exception for one movie, though. This weekend, after months of speculation, wondering & staying away from sites & articles about it, Cloverfield will be coming to the local Bijou.

And I am soooo stoked!

Unfortunately, my cellmate, Miguelito, broke & read some spoilers over the weekend & is absolutely frothing at the mouth to tell me something – ANYTHING – about the movie. He says that he won’t say anything unless I ask - & then begs me to ask him something. I’ve managed to make it for the first hour & a half today so far, but I don’t know how much longer I can hold out. I was tempted mightily over the weekend by the Ain’t It Cool News review & was barely able to close the browser window before I read too much.

Darn your red beard, Harry Knowles. Darn it to Hades.

It’s gonna be a loooong week, Loyal Readers.

Machinehead: The Aftermath

My quest for a machine-like physique is off to a painful start.

I can barely lift my arms. My back is sending death threats to the rest of my body. My thighs feel like a gang of midgets went all “A Clockwork Orange” on them. Just making my eyes water sends spasms of pain throughout my body.

I almost made it through the inaugural “Turn Jay Into A Machine” workout routine. I decided to stop at the second round of ab curls (the last torment exercise of the circuit). I did this because A) I was about to throw up & B) I was about to pass out.

“Russ” was on duty last night & I really didn’t want him to perform CPR on me.

I stumbled my way back to the locker room, past the bevy of middle-aged men in various states of undress & poured water over my head in a vain attempt to keep my brain from popping out of my ears, all the while praying that I wouldn’t puke up my spleen. Then came the horrifying realization that, because the parking lot was so full, I’d parked waaaay far away.

I honestly contemplated curling up in a locker & calling it a night.

The drive home went something like this: press gas pedal, scream in pain, press brake pedal, writhe in agony, turn steering wheel, pray for death, etc. This was followed by the walk up the stairs to my apartment, which, I swear, the managers added more steps to.

Later, I actually couldn’t get up off the toilet without using my arms, which weren’t much help. I’m pretty sure that, while I was blacking out at the gym, someone removed all the muscle & bones from my thighs & replaced them with grape jelly.

I spent rest of the evening being laughed at by The Boy. This morning, hearing my cries of pain, he asked me if I needed help putting on my shoes.

He is so out of the will.

So far, the whole “Turning Jay Into A Machine” is going something like this:

Women look at my crumpled body laying on the floor & giggle.

Men laugh at me as I cry like a girlie-man every time I blink.

Children poke my broken heap of a body with sticks. And laugh.

The Boy’s friends all think I’m a boneless loser. They all laugh.

Animals are starting to hover over my near lifeless form. I shoo them away by making various whimpers & gurgling noises. If they could laugh, they would. Especially the blue birds. Jerks.

All of Canada’s laughing at me.

Tom has deleted my profile on MySchpace. While laughing his head off.

Dave Coulier still hasn’t returned my phone calls. Probably too busy laughing.

Not exactly what I pictured yesterday.

Machinehead

One of my silent resolutions this year is to get back to the gym. It's been a few months since I've gone on a routine basis &, hey, I'm paying for it whether I go or not, so...

Anyway, one of the reasons that I've slacked off on going (besides my inherent laziness & aversion to undue pain) is that I felt like I'd been spinning my wheels as far as working out went. I started out trying almost every torture implement exercise machine in the place, tried out the free weights & then just settled on the treadmill & the stationary bike. I didn't know the proper way to use the machines &, regardless of how strenuous I thought the workout was, I never felt like I was accomplishing anything. Well, other than scarring my psyche by seeing Ol' Man Dangly Bits au natural in the locker room.

*shudder*

So, I decided to take the gym up on their offer to sit down & talk to one of the trainers & set up a routine that might actually produce some results. It was here that I was introduced to Cameron, a hyperkinetic individual who really, really likes to talk about working out & eating right (I know this because he told me so). Imagine, if you will, a terrible accident in a cloning lab that inadvertently combined the DNA of Ty Pennington & Ryan Reynolds & you’d have Cameron.

So, after talking about what I was looking to achieve & what I’d been doing up to now, Cameron gave me the following workout routine, which I started tonight:

• Lunges – 5 each leg
• Chest press – 8-12 repetitions (or ‘reps’, as all the cool kids are calling it these days)
• Pulldown – 8-12 reps (check me out! I’m hip, yo!)
• Upper back – 8-12 reps
• Leg press – 8-12 reps
• Ab curl – 8-12 reps

“Do this for six weeks,” he said, “& you’ll be a machine!”

Yep, you read that right – a machine, baby! I can see it now:

Women will swoon & want me, but, alas, can never have me. Unable to get my machine-esque figure out of their heads, they will all shave their heads & become lesbians or join a convent.

Men will be jealous of my machine-like physique, but, alas, will leave the gym, despondent, once the realization sets in that they can try all want, but will never achieve my level of machineinessosity & will have no alternative but to cry like girlie-men into a carton of Ben & Jerry’s.

Children will speak in hushed tones as they pass my home.

The Boy’s friends will think he’s the coolest kid at school, simply because of my machine-like awesomeness.

Animals will burst into song at the mere mention of my name & will create clothing for me out of the finest linens, gold thread & blue bird slobber.

World leaders will ask my advice on foreign policy & whether or not Canada should just give up the façade & become the 51st state, North North Dakota.

Tom will beg me to be his friend on MySchpace.

Dave Coulier will return my calls.

Yes, Loyal Readers, all of these things will come to pass…

…just as soon as the spasms in my arms stop, I cease dry heaving & I can get up off the floor without assistance.

Insert Witty Title Here

Was that an actual tumbleweed that just rolled past? I mean, it hasn’t been that long since I posted, has it? It’s only November, after all.

What’s that? January? 2008? Are you sure?

Jumpin’ Judas on a pogo stick! How long have I been gone?

Lessee – what’s happened since November 12^th? Hmm…well, we had one of T’s friends spend about a week with us & did the usual Hollywood/Beverly Hills/Santa Monica pier routine. Oh, & we also went to the Griffith Observatory, where Jersey Girl (T’s friend) was told by a pimply faced representative of the Observatory to extinguish her cigarette or face a $1200 fine. Her argument that she could smoke where she wants in Jersey were countered with a friendly reminder that the hills all around Griffith had recently burned & the management really didn’t want a repeat of that as they’d just finished refurbishing the place.

You can imagine how well that went over.

Shortly after that came Thanksgiving. This year, it seems that everyone in the family had somewhere else to be. So, T, The Boy, my mom & I made reservations at a restaurant in Oak Glen & had one of the best Thanksgiving dinners ever, with turkey, ham, veggies, bread & desert (there was so much food that they had to serve it on multiple plates).

And there was ZERO clean-up, to boot! Score!

Capping off the Month o’ Company, T’s parents came out here to celebrate Thanksmas. It was nice to not have to travel this year, but by the time they’d left, I was interested in finally having the house back to normal, without the extra bodies roaming about.

While they were here, though, we went down to the San Diego Natural History Museum to see the Dead Sea Scrolls exhibit.

Along with 50,000 other people.

Imagine, if you will, trying to look at a piece of paper the size of a tooth with an indecipherable language written on it, from about 15 feet away, over the heads of 20 other people, including the one moron who feels the need to get 2 inches from the tooth sized item & inspect it for an hour.

Lather, rinse, repeat 30 times.

To say that the exhibit was a bit of a letdown would be a massive understatement. SDNHM, if any of your representatives should ever stumble across this little missive, let me offer this bit of advice: offer guided tours of no more than 40 people through the exhibit at a time. This will keep the flow of bodies moving & make for a far more enjoyable experience. Arming me with a speaker shaped like a paddle & turning me loose in a crowd is a bad, bad idea.

Now, this is not to say that the whole museum was a bust. Oh, no. Quite the contrary. You see, while all 49,995 of the other people were herded into the Dead Sea Scrolls exhibit, The Boy & I found that the rest of the museum was quite sparsely populated & a lot of fun to explore. And the Natural History Museum is not the only museum on the site. There’s a photography museum, an art museum, a model railroad museum – simply too much to take in in a day.

A few days after the in-laws left, The Boy had his first band concert. Although I couldn’t see him from where I was sitting, I got some good pictures of the top of his baritone. His band did very well for being a first year class. The 5^th & 6^th graders, on the other hand…remember the ghoul band from “The Nightmare Before Christmas,” when they try to play “Jingle Bells” & it sounds like a funeral dirge? That’s exactly what they sounded like. Their saving grace was one little trumpeter with a red horn. He got up there, be-bopped around & played his heart out. They all were trying, but he totally stole the show.

That next weekend, T & I attended the Company party. It was a nice excuse to get dressed up for the evening, although it was hard to identify anyone I knew from work, as I seldom see any of them in anything dressier than a shirt & jeans. The party had a casino-night theme &, since we were given $1000 in play money, I had no problem betting aggressively (read: stupidly) in Blackjack. As it was the first time T & I’d played the game, it was fortunate that we had a dealer who not only showed us the ropes, but also gave us hints as to when to hit & when to stay. A lot of fun was had, but, alas, we once again walked away empty handed. T & I have yet to win any kind of raffle or drawing.

*sigh* I was so looking forward to a new mp3 player.

The week before Christmas, Miguelito gave me two gifts: the first, a mega-cool Darth Vader lightsaber, perfect for keeping the office in line without leaving bruises; the second gift was the Filipino Flu. As I’d planned to take the whole week of Christmas off & Civ my brains out & ended up spending it in bed, you can imagine my joy in receiving that particular gift. Nothing says “Happy Holidays” like a fever & snot.

I promised Miguelito that there would be swift & severe retribution for ruining my week. I daresay I’ve not failed to follow through on that promise.

I learned a couple of things during that time: one would be to read the friggin’ label on the bottle of Ny-Quil. While just about any type of Ny-Quil will knock you out for a few hours, the kind that does not contain acetaminophen will do nothing to help break a fever. Another would be that they warn you on the bottle not to take the medication for too long for a reason. Not being a drinker, my tolerance for alcohol, even the tiny bit in Ny-Quil, is understandably low. To this very day, a full week since my last dose, I’m still having trouble remembering things. It feels like someone replaced my frontal lobe with a baggie full of wet sand. T thinks I’m just being my usual lazy, procrastinating self, but, the truth is, I can’t get my mind to function properly.

What was that? “Since when has that been a problem?”

Oh, real funny.

We rang in the New Year with some friends of ours at their house, where we spent the evening eating, chatting & playing Balderdash. For those of you not familiar with the game, it goes something like this: one person chooses a word from a card & the rest of the group write the definition that they think is right. Then, the reader reads the definitions & everyone votes on which one they think is correct. I lost, but I think I had the most fun, making up the most inane definitions for the words given. For instance, who knew that a ‘nurdle’ was a term used in Tiddlywinks & not a terribly unpopular, socially inept, but computer savvy, turtle?

Actually, I did. Big surprise there…

So, there you have it – the past couple of months. I’ll bet it was every bit as exciting as you thought it’d be, right?

Right?

*crickets chirping*

Oh, whatever…