Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Zombie Talk 2

Me: Welcome again to “Zombie Talk,” the show that brings the past back to life – literally! I’m flying solo this episode, as Ms. Eulabelle is having some trouble with Immigration – something about her worker visa not being valid, as a “witchdoctor” isn’t, technically speaking, a medically trained professional. So, filling in today is ZT’s booking agent, Phil Henson. Good to see you again, Phil.

Phil: Thanks, Jay. Glad to be here.

Me: So, trying to put the whole Paris Hilton nightmare behind us, who’d you line up for us today, Phil? George Washington? Albert Einstein? Hervé Villechaize?

Pleeease tell you got Hervé Villechaize!

Phil: No, no & no. I scored someone even better than any of those!

Me: Really? Cool! Then let’s bring out our guest!

(Curtain draws back & out shambles…)

Me: …Keith Richards?

Phil: Yeah! Isn’t it sweet?!

Me: Phil, he’s not dead. I mean, he looks & smells like a rotted corpse, but…

Phil: Dude, he’s been declared clinically dead & then revived at least seven times! And he claims to have snorted his dead father’s ashes, making him a cannibal of sorts. Doesn’t that qualify as a zombie?

Me: Hmm…you have a point, there. OK, let’s do it.

(A zombie handler straps Keith Richards to the guest chair)

Me: Good day, Mr. Richards, & thank you for joining us. Sorry about the straps, but, after the whole Paris Hilton fiasco, our insurance company decided that we couldn’t have our guests roaming about freely.

Keith Richards:
mrph blarrgle murgle bleh, mate.

Me: Um…OK. Uh…how’s life/death/life been treating you?

Keith Richards: mlllble graaah plbbbt, mate. Hahahahahaa…

Me: Good, good. I must say, that, despite being completely unintelligible, you’re still quite articulate for a zombie. You have quite the wide range of gurgles & moans. What’s your secret?

Keith Richards:
glarrrrble phlehhh, mate.

Me: Really? Shooting embalming fluid? I guess that explains your semi-well preserved body, too, eh? Heh heh…

Keith Richards: Moooaaan, mate.

Me: So, will we be seeing any more Stones records? I hear another “Farewell” tour is in the works. That makes, what – fifteen farewell tours?

Keith Richards: hurglbleh, mate.

Me: Oh, sorry. Eighteen. One last question before we wrap things up – Charlie Watts – vampire living off the blood of young virgins or animatronic robot?

Keith Richards: slurplpleg mlurblguh, mate.

Me: Wow - sold his soul to Satan? I would’ve never guessed.

Well, thank you Mr. Richards. It’s been a pleasure to talk with such a legend among the undead.

Keith Richards: mlbleglzzzz, mate

Me: Please join us again, ladies & gentlemen, for the next episode of “Zombie Talk,” the show that brings history to life – literally!

Saturday, August 23, 2008

MI:5: Electronic Goodies Edition

OK. So, I’ve been a total flake about these; I’m going to try to mend my wayward ways, though.

Starting with Billy Rhythm’s Little Electronic Gadget 5:

1) Do you use some form of PDA (personal digital assistant)/MP3 player/smart phone for contacts and calendar items? If so, what is it, and what do you use it for? If you don't use some sort of digital calendar, what do you use?

The only thing I use for calendars/contacts is my MS Outlook at work. As much as I love gadgets, I’m still quite the Luddite; I don’t have (nor do I really want) a PDA or cell phone. T & I like to be able to take off for the weekend & not be tracked down by everyone.

We’re just that popular.

2) Do you use any sort of MP3 player? If not, do you use anything for "music on the go"?

Now, an MP3 player is another story; I loves me my playa! I think we have three small ones (2gb or less) floating around Casa de Jota, one each for T, The Boy & me. Mine is also a jump drive, so it carries schoolwork & other miscellaneous files, in addition to being almost filled to the gills with tunes.

Now, isn't that thrilling?

3) Do you have a favorite application you run on your PDA/MP3/smart phone? What is it? If you don't use one, how about some cool application you like on your computer?

My player’s not that fancy; strictly plays music or carries files (I gunnin’ for the Creative Zen 32gb jobbie as soon as the price is a bit more reasonable). You’d think that, with as much as I use my computers at work & home that I’d have some interesting application, but about the coolest thing I can think of is being able to switch the time zones on the system clock.

Exciting, no?

4) How about a favorite game on your widget? If you're non-widget-ized, what games do you like to play on your computer?

Widget? What is this “widget” that you speak of? As for games on the computer, my love for all of the Civilization games knows no bounds.

Neither does my wife’s scorn for all of the Civilization games.

5) Most little gadgets have a way to personalize them, like a cover or faceplate or something. What's on yours? If you don't own one, tell us about something else you've personalized.

Alas, my MP3 player’s too small, physically, to do any customization (unless you count the crack on the battery cover as a customization).

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Zombie Talk

Me: Hello & welcome to the first installment of “Zombie Talk.” I’ll be your host as we scour history, raise the dead via the magic of the Voodoo & pick the brains, or what’s left of them, of some of the greatest figures of the past. On my left is my co-host, noted Haitian Voodoo priestess, Ms. Eulabelle. Welcome Ms. Eulabelle…

Ms. Eulabelle: ‘allo, chile. I’m happy ta bein here.

Me: It’s good to have you here. To give you, the audience, a little idea as to what we’ll be doing here on “Zombie Talk,” or ZT for short, every episode, Ms. Eulabelle will attempt to raise a famous person from the annals of history for me to interview; depending on how much of the brain’s left & how many vestigial memories are left, things could get interesting. We’ll even take requests for guests from the audience from time to time, but, remember to be patient, as digging up the body…er…acquiring the proper permissions to reanimate our guest takes a little time. And it’s also a little difficult to get some guests, as they’ve decomposed to the point where there’s not much to bring back.

Ms. Eulabelle: Dat’s right, honey. I be bringin’ back da zombies, not da ghosts. ‘Tis not my specialty, ha!

Me: Hahaha! Oh, Ms. Eulabelle, you’re such the card!

Anyway, as this is our inaugural episode, I wanted to be completely surprised by our first guest, so I let Ms. Eulabelle pick them out. So, let’s meet our first interviewee on “Zombie Talk.”

(Curtain draws back; blonde zombie comes shambling out)

Wow, Ms. Eulabelle – you got a fresh one, didn’t you?

Ms. Eulabelle: Dat’s not de zombie that I brought back, tho. I be reanimatin’ Isaac Hayes, chile!

Me: What do you mean? Those blank, soulless eyes; that vacant look; off-kilter walk; & - oh, man! That smell! Are you sure? I mean, look – it keeps stopping every time a light comes on.

Paris Hilton: Shiiiiiny! (drool)

Me: If that’s not a zombie, then I don’t know what is.

Paris Hilton: (stops & strikes a pose) Caaaaaameraaaaaas…(gurgle)

Me: I thought you couldn’t reanimate brainless people? Can you de-animate beings, Ms. Eulabelle?

Paris Hilton: Parrrrrteeeee…

Ms. Eulabelle: I don’ know, chile. Lemme tryin’ ‘dis –

(Smacks Hilton with a dead chicken)

Me: No, don’t go for the head – there’s nothing in there to damage! Do you have a wooden stake or a silver bullet or something?

Ms. Eulabelle:
Those don’ workin’ on de undead –

Me: What about the just plain stupid? Here – let’s try this –

(Busts out camera, sets off the flash)

Paris Hilton: Cheeeeeeese…

(Starts shambling toward the flash)

Me: Quick, Ms. Eulabelle! Open the door!

(Following the flashes, Hilton staggers out the door, stopping after every burst to pose)


Me: Whew! That was…too close!

(Sounds of scraping on the door)

Join us next time on Zombie Talk, when we try to interview a real, undead zombie, as opposed to a living idiot.