Emerson

Yesterday, whilst washing my car at the Orange Empire Car Wash, a very nice & none too cheap carwash, The Boy & I had the pleasure of meeting 1 ½ year old Emerson & his mother, a so-so attractive woman in her 30’s who drove some fancy-schmancy, $35,000+ SUV.

Of course, by “pleasure,” I mean “unmitigated, slack-jawed horror.”

Now, don’t get me wrong. Emerson seemed to be an average 1 ½ child, prone to sticking everything in arm’s reach in his mouth, including, but not limited to, every piece of candy that the operators of the carwash unwisely placed at ground level. I guess they figured, much like me, that most parents would contain their hellions demon spawn little angels & not let them tear up the displays.

They hadn’t counted on the breeders, apparently.

We watched & listened, as Emerson’s mother, trying to talk to a friend of hers that was there with her & pay for the carwash, did nothing to stop Emerson beyond saying “Emerson! No! Emerson! Emerson! No! Emerson! Etc” Finally, after he opened a box of mints, spilled some on the floor & popped a few in his mouth, his Mother of the Year candidate parent picked him up – but, not before closing the tin & putting it back in the display. (It should be noted that she did come back in & pay for the candy - & complained about having to get back in the line, which consisted of me & one other gentleman)

Oh, did I mention that on the few times she bent down to discipline her child, we were treated to about 3 inches of whale tail sticking out of the back of her pants? Thanks for the show, Emerson’s mom.

Then, it just got better. We went outside to wait for the car. It was here that Emerson decided that the patio wasn’t fun enough & that the parking lot would be much more thrilling. It was also here where my jaw hit the floor & I almost openly wept for the future of the human race, as she said to dear, sweet little Emerson, & I quote, “Emerson! Open your ears!”

Yes, Loyal Readers, she told her 1 ½ year old toddler, who couldn’t do more than squeal & say “No!” & probably couldn’t find his ears if you asked him to, to “open his ears.”

After that, her truck was ready &, when she took her eyes off of Emerson for a second, he dashed out into the parking lot again. I pointed this out to her, but she didn’t seem too concerned. To which I shrugged my shoulders & said “Meh.”