Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Zombie Talk 2

Me: Welcome again to “Zombie Talk,” the show that brings the past back to life – literally! I’m flying solo this episode, as Ms. Eulabelle is having some trouble with Immigration – something about her worker visa not being valid, as a “witchdoctor” isn’t, technically speaking, a medically trained professional. So, filling in today is ZT’s booking agent, Phil Henson. Good to see you again, Phil.

Phil: Thanks, Jay. Glad to be here.

Me: So, trying to put the whole Paris Hilton nightmare behind us, who’d you line up for us today, Phil? George Washington? Albert Einstein? Hervé Villechaize?

Pleeease tell you got Hervé Villechaize!

Phil: No, no & no. I scored someone even better than any of those!

Me: Really? Cool! Then let’s bring out our guest!

(Curtain draws back & out shambles…)

Me: …Keith Richards?

Phil: Yeah! Isn’t it sweet?!

Me: Phil, he’s not dead. I mean, he looks & smells like a rotted corpse, but…

Phil: Dude, he’s been declared clinically dead & then revived at least seven times! And he claims to have snorted his dead father’s ashes, making him a cannibal of sorts. Doesn’t that qualify as a zombie?

Me: Hmm…you have a point, there. OK, let’s do it.

(A zombie handler straps Keith Richards to the guest chair)

Me: Good day, Mr. Richards, & thank you for joining us. Sorry about the straps, but, after the whole Paris Hilton fiasco, our insurance company decided that we couldn’t have our guests roaming about freely.

Keith Richards:
mrph blarrgle murgle bleh, mate.

Me: Um…OK. Uh…how’s life/death/life been treating you?

Keith Richards: mlllble graaah plbbbt, mate. Hahahahahaa…

Me: Good, good. I must say, that, despite being completely unintelligible, you’re still quite articulate for a zombie. You have quite the wide range of gurgles & moans. What’s your secret?

Keith Richards:
glarrrrble phlehhh, mate.

Me: Really? Shooting embalming fluid? I guess that explains your semi-well preserved body, too, eh? Heh heh…

Keith Richards: Moooaaan, mate.

Me: So, will we be seeing any more Stones records? I hear another “Farewell” tour is in the works. That makes, what – fifteen farewell tours?

Keith Richards: hurglbleh, mate.

Me: Oh, sorry. Eighteen. One last question before we wrap things up – Charlie Watts – vampire living off the blood of young virgins or animatronic robot?

Keith Richards: slurplpleg mlurblguh, mate.

Me: Wow - sold his soul to Satan? I would’ve never guessed.

Well, thank you Mr. Richards. It’s been a pleasure to talk with such a legend among the undead.

Keith Richards: mlbleglzzzz, mate

Me: Please join us again, ladies & gentlemen, for the next episode of “Zombie Talk,” the show that brings history to life – literally!