Thursday, April 10, 2008

Wrongful Death Civil Suit Leveled Against Solo & The Galactic Alliance

CORUSCANT – The family of a traveling salesbeing & rumored smalltime bounty hunter have filed a wrongful death lawsuit against General Han Solo & the Galactic Alliance, according to court documents filed at the Central Supreme Court on Coruscant. The suit was filed earlier this week by attorney Xiabo Crex on behalf of the widow & children of Greedo, a Rodian allegedly in the employ of the late Jabba the Hutt, a well known & notorious gangster on the Outer Rim planet of Tatooine.

The suit claims that current surveillance footage of an event that took place some 30 years ago in the Mos Eisley Cantina in Mos Eisley Spaceport, Tatooine, had been doctored & that Gen. Solo, former smuggler & highly decorated & respected General of the Galactic Alliance, shot first & killed Greedo, not the other way around, as the widely accepted surveillance footage shows. At a news conference yesterday, Crex said that “a package, covered in hair & teeth marks & smelling of wet fur, & containing what is believed to be the original, untouched surveillance video,” was sent to his office two months ago. “It seems that someone has gone to great lengths to besmirch the name of my client’s husband by fixing & circulating footage showing Mr. Greedo shooting at Gen. Solo first. Ladies & gentlemen, a cover-up spanning 30 plus years & involving the highest offices of the Alliance has been discovered & we plan to bring those responsible for it to justice. We are also asking for compensatory damages in the amount of 3.2 million Galactic credits.”

When asked about rumors that the video not only shows Greedo pulling a blaster on Gen. Solo & trying to extort money from him, but that he was also working for Jabba the Hutt, Crex replied “Poppycock & balderdash! My client’s husband was an honest, upstanding sentient. He was an itinerant blaster polish salesman & was merely showing Gen. Solo the effects of his product. It is our contention, & the video backs this up, that Han Solo shot first, killing Mr. Greedo in cold blood.”

Crex continues, “Gen. Solo has a less than savory history: he started out at the Imperial Academy before dropping out & becoming a spice smuggler; he then joined up with the Rebellion, who were obviously desperate for personnel, so much so that they completely overlooked & wiped clean his past criminal record. That is why we have included the government of the Galactic Alliance, having been born out of the Rebellion, in our suit.”

For years, conspiracy theorists have claimed that Solo did indeed shoot first. On his deathbed, Q’iwi A’da, a Jawa from Tatooine, had claimed to have witnessed the whole thing. “Dad said he’d gone into the cantina to get out of the twin mid-day suns of Tatooine - I mean, look at us; it gets hot in these robes!” claims Q’awa A’da, the elder A’da’s son. “Anyway, he said that he saw a wookiee & two humans, or “Pinks” as he called them, leave Solo. Solo got up to leave & was met by a Rodian, who he sat down at a table with. A couple minutes later, he heard the sound of one blaster shot – only one - & saw the Rodian slump to the table.”

Wuher, owner of the popular Papa Wuher's Authentic Mon Calimarian Fish & Chip's seafood chain & then bartender at the cantina, claimed to have been in the storeroom at the time of the incident. “I was, um…conducting business with some associates of mine, when I heard a ruckus out on the floor. I was trying to avoid any Imperial involvement, having just cleaned up after another incident a few minutes earlier between some old coot with a lightsaber & an Aqualish. Back then, in that business in particular, you did everything you could to avoid having an Imperial garrison station itself in your establishment. At any rate, I heard some yelling & came out just in time to have Solo toss me an Imperial credit. I’ll never forget what he said – ‘Sorry about the mess’ - & how he casually strolled on out.”

Stories of Solo’s rough treatment of others have recently surfaced. A protocol droid, who asked to remain anonymous, said “Gen. Solo has threatened to have me deactivated on several occasions. He has the foulest temperament of any human I’d ever come in contact with. I would merely be pointing out the statistical odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field & he’d go into a rage. I really don’t know what the Princess sees in him. As I'm only programmed for etiquette & protocol, I'm really not all that knowledgeable about human emotions.”

Ewok Chief Wickett of Endor made similar claims. “He kept calling me ‘Fuzzball’ & using my little brother as a shoe buffer. I wonder if he ever figured out who peed in his boot? Heh, heh.”

“That pirate stole my ship from me!” claimed another anonymous source. “That game of Sabacc was rigged & he knows it! I was so glad to see his sorry butt encased in carbonite.”

As to the identity of the sender, Crex says that he has no idea who the informant might be. “Given Solo’s history, this being could be anyone from a jilted lover to someone high up in the Alliance government. One thing's for sure: justice will be served.”

A statement issued by Gen. Solo's office calls the suit "frivolous" & "without merit" & says that the General "will be vindicated."

His co-pilot & trusted friend, Chewbacca the Wookiee, could not be reached for comment.