Friday, April 25, 2008

#1 Fan

I just don't understand why I'm always getting restraining orders from celebrities. I always write them the nicest letters...

Dear Yoda –
Hi! How are you? I am fine. I am your #1 fan.

I have been your #1 fan since I first saw you in The Empire Strikes Back (well, at that time, I was your #2 fan; Billy Jenkins in my class was #1 until his “accident” on the swing set at recess). I have dressed up like you every Halloween since then. Even though you are only 2 ½ feet tall & I’m 6’2”, I still dress up like you by wearing a really big t-shirt, pulling my knees up to my chest & tying them in place & draping the shirt over them; I also stop showering about a month before Halloween so I can even smell like you must have when you lived in the swamps on Dagobah. Because it is really hard to walk with your legs tied to your chest & my dad can’t carry me in his backpack (just like you & Luke Skywalker!) since he hurt his back on Halloween ’99, I built a replica of your Jedi hover chair out of balsa wood, tin foil & some of my mom’s Ladies Home Journal magazines. It fits over my old Radio Flyer wagon & my dad can pull me in it. It is so cool! I have even learned to talk like you (talk like you, I have learned. See? I really am your #1 fan! I mean - #1 fan, I am!).

Some people (my mom & dad, co-workers, doctors, other so-called “fans” on the forum) have told me that you are not real, that you were a Muppet in “Empire” & a computer image in Episodes I-III, but I do not believe them. I have seen Muppets before & you look nothing like Kermit the Frog or Grover. And how could they make a computer picture jump around like you did when you fought Count Dooku & Palpatine? You even talked to the other Jedi in the movie – computer pictures can’t do that! That is just silly! Someone even tried to tell me that you died in Return of the Jedi, but I know you were just play acting for the movie. I know that movies are not really real. Again, that is just silly.

You never responded to my last few letters asking you to me my Jedi teacher. I know you probably think that 37 is too old to start training, but I know I can do it. I’ve even cut my hair, except for a long piece behind my right ear that I braided into a Padawan Braid. I’ve tried building my own lightsaber, but have not had much success (I guess that is something to learn later in my training). Even so, I know the Force is strong in me. The other day, after I had eaten a Macho Combo Burrito from Del Taco, I farted in the TV room. By using my Jedi mind powers, though, I got everyone to believe that the dog had done it.

I have to go now because my mom needs to use the computer to look up some casserole recipe that she saw on Rachel Rae’s show.

May the Force be with you

Your #1 fan


Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Star Wars Interview 2

Hello again, Loyal Readers!

I’m pleased to bring you another interview with someone who’s been a part, in one way or another, of Star Wars history. Someone who, while not in an official Star Wars movie, made his mark in a movie nonetheless.

So, without a long, drawn out introduction, ladies & gentlemen, please help me give a warm welcome to – Star Wars Kid!

Me: Welcome, Star Wars Kid! Thank you for joining us here.

SWK: Thank you for having me. It’s nice to be out of my mom’s basement. By the way, I really liked your interview with Lobot.

Me: Thanks! That means a lot!

To bring my readers up to speed a bit, Star Wars Kid –

SWK: You can just call me “Kid.”

Me: Oh. I bet that’s what all your friends call you, eh?

SWK: No. I wish they would, though.

*sigh* If I had any friends.

(awkward silence)

Me: Um…OK…”Kid” is the star of the ‘net wide viral video sensation, “Star Wars Kid,” in which Kid shows off his mad lightsaber spinning skillz -

SWK: I’m so lonely…

Me: Yeah…well…I…I’m sure it’s not all that bad. The video’s been out for what, about six, seven years? I’m sure you’ve had all sorts of people wanting to be friends with the famous “Star Wars Kid!”

SWK: If by being my friend you mean giving me wedgies for the past seven years, then, yeah, I’m quite the celebrity.

Me: Um…let’s move on, shall we?

SWK: Sure. It’s not like I’ve got much on my calendar.

Me: That’s the spirit! So, what was your inspiration, other than the obvious, to create the video?

SWK: I made it to impress a girl in second period English. I gave it to her one day & the next week, it was posted on the internet.

I had to move to a different school after that.

Me: Uh…sorry to hear that. Kids can be so cruel.

SWK: Tell me about it. I went to nine different schools after that. I even got laughed out of some Amish school – they don’t even have computers!

Me: Well, let’s talk about what you’ve been up to lately. I understand that you…dude – did you just pick your nose?

SWK: Huh? Um…no?

Me: Yes you did! You had your finger like, two knuckles deep – hey! Don’t wipe it under the chair!

SWK: (waves hand in front of me) You didn’t see anything.

Me: Wha? Stop that!

SWK: These are not the boogers you’re looking for.

Me: Quit that! You’re not a Jedi!

SWK: Yes I am! (reaches out open hand toward my throat) I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Me: You’re not & I find your geekiness disturbing. Besides, that is the lamest Darth Vader Force choke I’ve ever seen.

SWK: You mock my mad Jedi skillz?!? (jumps up & extends a toy lightsaber) En garde!

Me: Oh, now you’re a French Jedi? You are such a weenie! No wonder you still get picked on!

SWK: No I don’t! I’m famous! I’m loved the whole ‘net over! I’ve got one of the most viewed videos on YouTube! (swings lightsaber at me)

Me: You just keep telling yourself that! You’re pathetic, you dateless wonder! (I parry with my own toy lightsaber which I carry around for just such events)

SWK: I am not! I just haven’t found the right girl!




SWK: THAT WASN”T NICE!!!! (misses me, stumbles & falls over) *sob* I’M TELLING MY MOM!!!!

Me: Bring it on, Staypuft! I’ll take you & your mom on!

SWK: (runs from room) MOOOOOOOooooooom…

Me: Well, that was certainly…interesting. Join me again for another interview with some obscure person who has some passing affiliation with Star Wars. Good night, & may the Force be with you!

Monday, April 14, 2008

Star Wars Interview

Greetings, Loyal Readers!

Everybody remembers a great leader. Everyone’s familiar with George Washington, Hannibal, Winston Churchill – heck, even some less illustrious leaders like Hoover get some love on PBS & the History Channel from time to time (& he doesn’t even have his face on a piece of currency). But no one ever remembers the people who helped these historical giants get to their lofty places in our textbooks & on cable TV. No one ever pays attention to the guy who made sure Washington’s teeth stayed termite free; no one ever talks about the guy who went about ordering up all those elephant poo bags for Hannibal’s invasion over the Italian Alps; there’s never any mention of the guy who kept Churchill’s derbies clean & cigars clipped.

Ladies & gentlemen, I’m talkin’ ‘bout the assistants – those high level grunts who work & slave to make sure their boss looks good. Today, it’s my great pleasure to introduce one of the most famous administrative assistants in the known galaxy.

OK, in the Star Wars galaxy…

Please join me in giving a warm welcome to the Administrator of Cloud City, Loren “Lobot” Botinski!

Me: Thank you for granting us this privilege, Mr. Botinski! It’s truly an honor to have you here!

Lobot: Thank you for having me - & please, call me Lobot.

Me: Very well, Lobot. To give some of my readers who actually have a life a little background, Lobot is –

Lobot: was

Me: Excuse me - was the administrative assistant to Lando Calrissian, Administrator of Cloud City on the gas planet Bespin in the movie The Empire Strikes Back. Lobot, even though you had no speaking parts in the film, you were able to convey so much with just a simple opening of your eyes or pointing. In fact, I’m sure that many of my readers will be surprised to find out that you talk at all.

Lobot: Oh, get a couple beers in me & I can talk your ear off! (laughs) Actually, in the original script, I had a long monologue about the oppression leveled upon the good people of Cloud City with the arrival of the Imperial forces. It was beautiful, eloquent & meaningful. Unfortunately, it was whittled down to the scene where Lando contacts me & I open my eyes, in order to squeeze in a few more scenes of Lando hitting on Princess Leia.

Me: That must’ve bothered you a little bit…

Lobot: Well, it did initially. I was mad. I’d worked hard to get those lines down – hired a diction coach & everything. I worked out. Then, I was told that my part had been cut. My dreams of getting off this forsaken gas ball lay on the cutting room floor. I plotted my revenge. It was going to be sweet, (unnerving grin spreads across his face) ending with the total destruction & loss of everything Lando held dear…*ahem* but, life goes on, heh, heh. Besides, I’m not one to hold a grudge.

Me: Yeah…okay. Um…What was life like during Calrissian’s run as administrator?

Lobot: Lando was a fair administrator; pretty laid back, most of the time. When things needed to get done, though, he knew who to turn to.

Me: I’ll bet he did! There were some high profile incidences that happened while he was there, though: a couple sexual harassment claims, some charges of misappropriation of funds. Can you tell us anything about those?

Lobot: Well, I can’t go into too much detail. Let’s just say that, contrary to what the ads say, Colt .45 doesn’t work every time with the ladies. And, unfortunately, Lando had a well known gambling problem. While the charges were all eventually dropped, it was still a sad time for all involved in his administration.

Me: I can only imagine. Let’s talk about something a little lighter – your uniform. What was up with that?

Lobot: Oh yes, the puffy sleeves & grey slacks ensemble. Well, you have to remember, this was the early 80’s. Disco was breathing its very last breath & a lot of hipsters were selling off their wardrobes full of polyester leisure suits & platform shoes to make room for racks & racks of skinny ties. Lando, in a malt liquor induced purchasing frenzy, bought up several sets of puffy sleeved shirts & grey slacks at yard sale on Dantooine. After he sobered up & realized what he’d done, he told me that he’d spent twenty years worth of uniform budgets on the clothes & that I’d have to make due until there was some money in the budget again. It was only recently that I was able to procure some more stylish clothes.

Me: And some very nice threads they are. Armani?

Lobot: Thank you - & yes, Armani.

Me: Things must be going well for your budget to afford such nice clothing.

Lobot: Yes, things have been going quite well, but anyone can dress nicely & not break the bank. The trick is to check the clearance racks. And shop at outlet stores when possible.

Me: Sage advice. How have things been in the years since Lando’s departure?

Lobot: Quite good. The Tibana gas market has been steady for some time now & our tourist industry has simply exploded. We had a little bit of tension when Lando’s younger brother, Ted, took over, trying to change Cloud City from a mining colony to a casino.

Me: I guess the gambling bug was pretty strong in the Calrissian family.

Lobot: Indeed. After Ted’s “departure,” we decided to keep the casino going & reopened some of the Tibana gas platforms to provide some ancillary income. Things were looking up until we had a minor labor dispute with the Ugnaughts about fifteen years ago, shortly after the Empire fell. The market was a shamble; Tibana gas prices plummeted. Nobody wanted to come to a floating casino that smelled of short, pig-faced people & gas. It really wasn’t a good time for the Ugnaughts to start making demands…

Me: What did they want?

Lobot: Shorter workdays, safer working environments, dental coverage, new overalls, step stools. They called in their union reps & we had a nice little chat. Since our rep was an IG-00 model assassin droid, the talks went favorably our way when he vaporized their union reps. Haven’t had any problems with them since.

Me: I believe it was Al Capone who said “You get more with a kind word & a gun than with a kind word alone.”

Lobot: True. Very true. And, fortunately, we had the gun! laughs

(face becomes dead serious) But, seriously, we don’t have any problems with the workforce anymore.

Me: Um…okay. I understand that Ted disappeared under some mysterious circumstances right before you took over –

Lobot: What do you mean, “mysterious circumstances”? (leans in toward me) What are you trying to say? (points to guards; guards advance toward me) Are you insinuating something?

Me: Um…er…no. Not at all. What I meant…uh…that is…I thought that…”Mysterious Circumstances” was the name of a starship?

Lobot: That’s what I thought. (points again at guards, who back off)

Me: Moving right along – many have wondered exactly what the function was of the piece of hardware around the back of your head. Was it some kind of device that kept you in contact with the City’s central computer or some kind of communications system?

Lobot: Neither, actually. It originally was an 8-track tape player that Lando had installed in my head. He had me double as a boombox for his “Ladies Night” parties. When that media fell out of favor, he had me refitted with a cassette deck, which was nicer, as it was a lot lighter. It was a bear, though, when the tape would bunch up. With CD technology came another upgrade, although, given the bulk of the player, it made it difficult to lie on my back. Thanks goodness for MP3 technology!

Me: I did notice that the device seemed a bit slimmer.

Lobot: Thank you! I think it makes my head look a bit more natural.

Me: Well, Lobot, that’s all the time we have for now. Thank you again for your time.

Lobot: The pleasure was all mine, I assure you.

Me: One last thing: could you do your signature open-eyes-&-point for all of your fans out there?

Lobot: I’d be delighted.

(Opens eyes; points)

Me: Thank you again, Lobot.

Lobot: Anytime…

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Wrongful Death Civil Suit Leveled Against Solo & The Galactic Alliance

CORUSCANT – The family of a traveling salesbeing & rumored smalltime bounty hunter have filed a wrongful death lawsuit against General Han Solo & the Galactic Alliance, according to court documents filed at the Central Supreme Court on Coruscant. The suit was filed earlier this week by attorney Xiabo Crex on behalf of the widow & children of Greedo, a Rodian allegedly in the employ of the late Jabba the Hutt, a well known & notorious gangster on the Outer Rim planet of Tatooine.

The suit claims that current surveillance footage of an event that took place some 30 years ago in the Mos Eisley Cantina in Mos Eisley Spaceport, Tatooine, had been doctored & that Gen. Solo, former smuggler & highly decorated & respected General of the Galactic Alliance, shot first & killed Greedo, not the other way around, as the widely accepted surveillance footage shows. At a news conference yesterday, Crex said that “a package, covered in hair & teeth marks & smelling of wet fur, & containing what is believed to be the original, untouched surveillance video,” was sent to his office two months ago. “It seems that someone has gone to great lengths to besmirch the name of my client’s husband by fixing & circulating footage showing Mr. Greedo shooting at Gen. Solo first. Ladies & gentlemen, a cover-up spanning 30 plus years & involving the highest offices of the Alliance has been discovered & we plan to bring those responsible for it to justice. We are also asking for compensatory damages in the amount of 3.2 million Galactic credits.”

When asked about rumors that the video not only shows Greedo pulling a blaster on Gen. Solo & trying to extort money from him, but that he was also working for Jabba the Hutt, Crex replied “Poppycock & balderdash! My client’s husband was an honest, upstanding sentient. He was an itinerant blaster polish salesman & was merely showing Gen. Solo the effects of his product. It is our contention, & the video backs this up, that Han Solo shot first, killing Mr. Greedo in cold blood.”

Crex continues, “Gen. Solo has a less than savory history: he started out at the Imperial Academy before dropping out & becoming a spice smuggler; he then joined up with the Rebellion, who were obviously desperate for personnel, so much so that they completely overlooked & wiped clean his past criminal record. That is why we have included the government of the Galactic Alliance, having been born out of the Rebellion, in our suit.”

For years, conspiracy theorists have claimed that Solo did indeed shoot first. On his deathbed, Q’iwi A’da, a Jawa from Tatooine, had claimed to have witnessed the whole thing. “Dad said he’d gone into the cantina to get out of the twin mid-day suns of Tatooine - I mean, look at us; it gets hot in these robes!” claims Q’awa A’da, the elder A’da’s son. “Anyway, he said that he saw a wookiee & two humans, or “Pinks” as he called them, leave Solo. Solo got up to leave & was met by a Rodian, who he sat down at a table with. A couple minutes later, he heard the sound of one blaster shot – only one - & saw the Rodian slump to the table.”

Wuher, owner of the popular Papa Wuher's Authentic Mon Calimarian Fish & Chip's seafood chain & then bartender at the cantina, claimed to have been in the storeroom at the time of the incident. “I was, um…conducting business with some associates of mine, when I heard a ruckus out on the floor. I was trying to avoid any Imperial involvement, having just cleaned up after another incident a few minutes earlier between some old coot with a lightsaber & an Aqualish. Back then, in that business in particular, you did everything you could to avoid having an Imperial garrison station itself in your establishment. At any rate, I heard some yelling & came out just in time to have Solo toss me an Imperial credit. I’ll never forget what he said – ‘Sorry about the mess’ - & how he casually strolled on out.”

Stories of Solo’s rough treatment of others have recently surfaced. A protocol droid, who asked to remain anonymous, said “Gen. Solo has threatened to have me deactivated on several occasions. He has the foulest temperament of any human I’d ever come in contact with. I would merely be pointing out the statistical odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field & he’d go into a rage. I really don’t know what the Princess sees in him. As I'm only programmed for etiquette & protocol, I'm really not all that knowledgeable about human emotions.”

Ewok Chief Wickett of Endor made similar claims. “He kept calling me ‘Fuzzball’ & using my little brother as a shoe buffer. I wonder if he ever figured out who peed in his boot? Heh, heh.”

“That pirate stole my ship from me!” claimed another anonymous source. “That game of Sabacc was rigged & he knows it! I was so glad to see his sorry butt encased in carbonite.”

As to the identity of the sender, Crex says that he has no idea who the informant might be. “Given Solo’s history, this being could be anyone from a jilted lover to someone high up in the Alliance government. One thing's for sure: justice will be served.”

A statement issued by Gen. Solo's office calls the suit "frivolous" & "without merit" & says that the General "will be vindicated."

His co-pilot & trusted friend, Chewbacca the Wookiee, could not be reached for comment.

Friday, April 04, 2008

Horrific Looking Qualifying Crash at Texas Motorspeedway

Hi folks. Amy from again here. Just sharing an amazing video of the crash that happened today (to a rookie no less) during qualifying at Texas Motor Speedway. Wow.

Click here to view video.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

40 Odd Things

Lisa tagged me and I decided to play along...over here on J's blog (this is Amy of Badgroove again...keeping you all entertained while J is learning to limbo on a cruise ship somewhere in the pacific).

1. Do you like blue cheese salad dressing? Emphatically NO

2. Have you ever smoked heroin? No.

3. Do you own a gun? Own NO but I have shot 'em before (target practice...not at a person).

4. What's your favorite drink at Starbucks or other specialty coffee shop?
Venti Iced Black Tea Lemonade Sweetened with Classic, extra ice.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? depends on the appointment.

6. What do you think of hot dogs? If I am in the mood for them I think YUM.

7. Favorite Christmas song? O Holy Night (as sung by Martina McBride).

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Sometimes I am in the mood for juice (almost always Orange or Cranberry Cocktail...sometimes though..nothing satisfies like a diet coke.

9. Can you do push ups? I think maybe a couple (stealing Lisa's Answer here).

10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? I don't wear jewelery very often...but I have a couple charm bracelets I like (sentimental value mostly).

11. Favorite hobby?
Crocheting I guess...hard to pick just one.

12. Do you have A.D.D.? No

13. What's one trait that you hate about yourself? I tend to clam up at the worst times.

14. Middle name? Katherine

15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment. I wonder what is going on in this story I am writing (it kinda has a life of its own). Why does my tongue hurt? Is it 5:00 pm yet?

16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? Diet Coke. Water. Venti Iced teas.

17. Current worry right now? Trying to figure out how/if I can afford to go to the FONTANA race.

18. Current hate right now? This new system at work we are supporting.

19. Favorite place to be? Home

20. How did you bring in the New Year? Hanging out in Vegas.

21. Do you like to travel? YES

22. Name three people who will complete this? If you wanna do this do it..then leave J and I a comment here so we know you played along.

23. Do you own slippers? Yes but I never wear them.

24. What color shirt are you wearing? pea green

25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? I don't think I ever have.

26. Can you whistle? Yes

27. Favorite color? Purple

28. Would you be a pirate? No

29. What songs do you sing in the shower? Lately its been "Pictures To Burn" by Taylor Swift

30. Favorite girl's names? Emily, Elizabeth, Emma (how weird they all start with E)

31. Favorite boy's name? Gwain (I mom has told me this child is just a target for bullies), Steven, Montgomery

32. What's in your pocket right now? Four dollars.

33. Last thing that made you laugh? Something my best friend said but I can't rememeber exactly what it was.

34. Best bed sheets as a child? Mickey and Minnie Mouse. I still have one of the pillow cases.

35. Worst injury you've ever had? Dislocated my right knee.

36. Do you love where you live? Its ok.

37. How many TVs do you have in your house? 3

38. Who is your loudest friend? I honestly can't think of any loud friends. My dad is kinda loud though. I hope this doesn't mean that I am the loud one.

39. How many pets do you have? 1 my beagle Roxy.

40. Does someone have a crush on you? Not that I know of.

41. What is your favorite book? The Outsiders by SE Hinton

42. What is your favorite candy? Lindt Milk Chocolate Truffles (good one Lisa...stealing this too)

43. Favorite Sports Team? Joe Gibbs Racing

44. What were you doing 12 AM last night? Sleeping

45. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Urg isn't it saturday yet?

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Return of the Idiot Driver

Hello MLCOTW folks. You usual host J is prancing around on a ship somewhere warm drinking nonalcoholic umbrella drinks and wearing leopard print. He trustingly left me with the keys to his kingdom so I am here to entertain you with my wit and humor. What? You have no idea who I am? It is me: Amy (from Badgroove)...the one who ocassionally leaves J snarky comments about how he doesn't post nearly as often as he should. Anyway...on to today's post about Idiot drivers. this morning I am driving to work and it is fairly early into my drive to work. I am on a road that has two lanes going each way. I am in the far right lane going my direction because pretty soon the road ends in a T and I need to go right to get to where I need to go. Anyway, in the left lane is a white mercury milan and I just have the feeling that he is going to need over into my lane. So I slow down so he has room to get over...but Mr. Milan never puts on his blinker nor does he actually make a move into my lane. He starts to slow a bit- but I maintain my speed and in doing this end up pulling along side him, the nose of my car (A 2008 Chevy HHR - so not a small car by any means) parallel to his front passenger door then suddenly he starts to move into my lane. Yes while I am along side of him. Luckily there were no cars parked along the road so I dive in towards the curb (and incidentally towards a bus stop) and honk...basically to say HEY BOZO STOP MERGING INTO MY CAR. His reaction is to slam on his breaks- and give ME the finger. Nice! Would he rather I just stay there and let him hit me??

So play along...what was your most recent run-in with an idiot with a drivers license?