Wednesday, April 27, 2005

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

Commercials. Ads. "Paying the bills" as some on-air personalities refer to it. The bane of the TV viewer. Sometimes clever. Sometimes annoying. Lately, though - completely baffling. And I mean beyond the usual inane, noisy & incredibly vague commercials (what, exactly, do all of those pills with the fancy names do?).

Exhibit A - the Skittles "Sheep Boy" ad. We start with a longview of a farm & two sheep at a stump eating something. We zoom in to find that the sheep have sheep bodies - & the faces of two teenage looking boys. They're talking about how Skittles has managed to mix two flavors into one candy. Then, a farmer walks past in the background & tells the "sheep" to knock off the talking or something to that effect.


Other than having a sheep/human hybrid, what does any of that have to do with the candy? If this is Skittles way of showing that they've managed to blend "two great tastes that taste great together," then I hate to tell you this, Skittles ad reps, but a) it's already been done (Reeses, anyone?) & b) if sheep & teenage boys are someone's idea of "two great tastes etc.," then someone on Fifth Avenue has some seriously weird fetishes that I just don't want to go into here. Ick...

Exhibit B was one that I saw twice last night. And both times I just shook my head, trying to get my mind to wrap around what I'd just witnessed. It starts with two teenage boys (I sense a trend. I'm beginning to wonder if these were all produced by Michael Jackson - BA DUM BUMP - Thank you! I'll be here all week! Be sure to tip your waiters!), one of them armed with a wrist rocket (aka, a slingshot). The other one tells him to shoot it right into his mouth. Slingshot Boy fires & nails the other kid right square on the cheek, sending him flying backwards. Out of nowhere, a man in a suit runs up, pulls the projectile off the kids face, notes that it's a Starburst candy, pops it into his mouth & runs off.

It's at this point that I heard a sound in my head reminiscent of a balloon deflating as my brain suffered a blowout.

The real kicker to the whole thing? The kids stand there, looking befuddled. A state of confusion that I shared with them, albeit for a completely different reason. Who's thinking these things up? At what point in the ad meeting did this sound like a good idea? Is it their intent to confuse the crap out of me? I guess if they're trying to get me to remember the product, it's working. If they're trying to get me to buy the product, though, no dice. I don't even like Starburst all that much.

Exhibit C - The aforementioned ads for various pills with catchy little names whose spots tell you nothing about what the medication does. Oh, there are a few that tell you, before launching into a list of possible side effects that makes War & Peace look like a Reader's Digest (one favorite that I recently saw was for adult ADD. One of the possible adverse effects among the hundreds of possible bad things that taking the pill could cause was constipation. Yes, Loyal Readers, nothing will make you focus & pay attention more than being backed up). Frequently, the side effects are worse than the original problem (does may cause death sound like a good thing to you?). Of course, these could only pose a problem if you knew what the medication was for & took it, since, like I said before, most of the time the illness being treated remains a mystery.

Exhibit D - These are, by far, two of the most disturbing commercials that I've seen in a long time. Given the events recently with children being abducted & assaulted & the Jackson trial going on, these ads seem to me to be...well...icky. They're for Nike & they each feature a young boy, one black, one white, dancing, without a shirt (Didja hear? Michael Jackson was seen at K-Mart. He heard boys clothes were half off! BA DUM BUMP Thank you! Thank you! I've got a million of 'em, folks!). You can't even tell if they're wearing shoes, Nike or otherwise. These ads make me feel like I need a shower after watching them, just to get that squicky feeling washed off. I realize that men can go shirtless without causing a ruckus (why women can't, I don't know - kind of unfair, if you ask me) & that's not a problem. After all, they're adults. These are kids. The ads just seem to be in extremely poor taste, given the recent happenings in Florida & other places. Remember back in the 80's when a teenaged Brooke Shields announced that nothing came between her & her Calvin Kleins & the mass hysteria that ensued? She was at least dressed. The inference that Ms. Shields was possibly going commando was just that - inferred. If you thought that's what she was getting at, well, that was between you & your imagination. With the current ads, though, there's not much left to the imagination. And, strangely enough, I don't hear anyone getting up in arms about it.

It's just not good. And for once, I don't think it's just me being cranky about something.


I've tried to think of some examples of good commercials, but alas, have come up dry. I guess there aren't really any good commercials out there. Except, I suppose, the one on the channel I just left.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

The Name Game

Found at Amy' current one stop shop for meme & list ideas.

1. YOUR PORN STAR NAME: Scruffy 13 (I'm just a love machine)
(Name of first pet / Street where you live)

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: Oreo Howard (That just sounds wrong)
(Name of your favorite snack food / Grandfather’s first name)

(First word you see on your left / Favorite restaurant)

4. EXOTIC FOREIGNER ALIAS: Garlic Mexico (Wha...?)
(Favorite Spice / Last Foreign Vacation Spot)

5. SOCIALITE ALIAS: JJ San Bernardino (Tre' chic)
(Silliest Childhood Nickname / Town Where You First Partied)

(First Initial / First Two or Three Letters of your Last Name)

7. ICON ALIAS: Banana Water (Again, wha...?)
(Something Sweet Within Sight / Any Liquid in Your Kitchen)

8. DETECTIVE ALIAS: Rabbit Bloomington (Private Eye)
(Favorite Baby Animal / Where You Went to High School)

9. BARFLY ALIAS: Cheeto Don't Drink (Sounds like an Indian barfly name)
(Last Snack Food You Ate / Your Favorite Alcoholic Drink)

10. SOAP OPERA ALIAS: Howard Grove (Also my name for when I get out of the p0rn business)
(Middle Name / Street Where You First Lived)

11. ROCK STAR ALIAS: Smartie Van Halen (Huh?)
(Favorite Candy / Last Name Of Favorite Musician)

12. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: Jamcd Beria (Way. Too. Cool.)
( First 2 letters of your first name and the first 3 Letters from your last name makes your first name. Take the first 2 letters of your mother’s maiden name and the first 3 letters of the city you were born in for your last name)

Monday, April 18, 2005

Meme Goodness

I found this at Amy's, too. She's just been a wealth of blogging ideas today.

Last Cigarette: Never
Last Alcoholic Drink: A sip, back in 1995
Last Car Ride: On my way back from picking up The Boy from school
Last Movie Seen in Theaters: Robots
Last Movie Rented: Van Helsing & Hidalgo (I didn't get to watch Hidalgo & wished that I hadn't seen Van Helsing)
Last Cuss Word Uttered: GRRRRRAAAARRRRRRRGH!!! Or something to that effect
Last Beverage Drank: A Diet Coke (Gotta watch my figure, y'know)
Last Food Consumed: Leftover lasagna
Last Time Showered: This morning
Last Phone Call: From T this evening
Last Text Message: I have no means of text messaging
Last TV Show Watched: Some form of Law & Order last night
Last Shoes Worn: Asics
Last CD Played: I can't remember - but I was head bangin' to a cassette of Iron Maiden's Number Of The Beast on the way to pick up The Boy
Last CD Bought: Ugh...these questions are too hard. I think it was the bundle of U2 & Tubes discs that I found at the thrift store a couple months ago
Last Annoyance: The shorter list would be of things that didn't annoy me
Last Disappointment: That the house we found to rent yesterday was just a hair too small for us
Last Thing Written: (by hand) Probably some order number (typed) "number"
Last Word Spoken: "...finished!"
Last IM: I can't recall the last time I IM'd
Last Weird Encounter: Yesterday, when T & I went to look at the aforementioned rental & I realized that the wife of the husband/wife landlord duo was a girl that I'd gone to elementary/junior high with
Last Ice Cream Eaten: Oreo Cookies & Cream
Last Time In Love: It's been one continous time for the past couple years
Last Time Hugged: This morning by T
Last Shirt Worn: My black/stripey button-up
Last Webpage Visited:
Last Thing Lost: I don't remember - must not have been that important
Last Regret: That I only have half a bag of Double Schtuff Oreo's left
Well, It Got A Few Right

I found this over at Amy's place. It got the "Wealth" part right, at least.

Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion |||||| 30%
Stability |||||||||||||||| 63%
Orderliness |||||||||||||| 53%
Empathy |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Interdependence |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Intellectual |||||||||||| 43%
Mystical |||||||||||||| 56%
Artistic |||||||||||||| 56%
Religious |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Hedonism || 10%
Materialism |||||||||| 36%
Narcissism |||||||||||| 43%
Adventurousness || 10%
Work ethic || 10%
Self absorbed |||||||||| 36%
Conflict seeking |||||| 23%
Need to dominate || 10%
Romantic |||||||||||||||| 63%
Avoidant |||||| 23%
Anti-authority |||||||||||| 43%
Wealth || 10%
Dependency |||||| 23%
Change averse |||||||||||||||| 63%
Cautiousness |||||||||||| 43%
Individuality |||||||||||| 43%
Sexuality |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||| 63%
Physical security |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Food indulgent |||||||||||||||| 70%
Histrionic || 10%
Paranoia |||||| 30%
Vanity |||| 16%
Hypersensitivity |||||||||||| 43%
Female cliche |||||| 30%
Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by

Stability results were moderately high which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.

Orderliness results were medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun.

Extraversion results were low which suggests you are very reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.

trait snapshot:
introverted, secretive, reclusive, tough, non social, observer, fearless, solitary, libertarian, detached, does not like to lead, outsider, abides the rules, mind over heart, good at saving money (HAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!), does not like to stand out, does not make friends easily, self sufficient, not aggressive, likes the unknown, unconcerned with external opinion, strong, abstract, independent, very intellectual, analytical, high self control (see "Good At Saving Money")

Sunday, April 17, 2005

"Feelin' guilty, feelin' scared, hidden cameras everywhere" - Destroyer, The Kinks

The other night, T & I went out to eat at one of our favorite Mexican food resturants. After we were finished eating, I excused myself to the l'il pardners room to take care of some business. I didn't realize it until I moved & the toilet flushed on its own that the porcelain convenience was outfitted with one of those infrared sensors that autoflushes for you. It was then that the chilling thought came to my mind -

the toilet was watching me!!!

Great. Now I'm gonna be self-conscious in the bathroom. Well, moreso than I normally am, at least.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Just To Let You Know...

All of you coming to my site looking for nutritional info on O'Brien's Premium Hickory Smoked Beef Sticks - I got news for you.

There's nothing nutritional about 'em.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

I Guess My Geekiness Does Have Some Boundaries Afterall

I don't think I'll be going this far in my quest to see "Sith."
All That Damage To My Innards & For What?

I've been drinking my usual morning Mountain Dew's, but not just for the quick jumpstart in the morning or the refreshingly Mountain Dewily taste. Oh, no. Y'see, they've had a contest going where you can win free downloads from iTunes.

The good news - I've won four download codes so far.

The bad news - you have to at least have Windows 2000 or XP to download them. Since my trusty Dell, Torgo, is still running '98, I'm SOL when it comes to downloading.

So, this is where you come in, Loyal Readers. Just tell me why, either in the comments or or via ye olde email, I should pass along the downloads to you. It doesn't have to be anything fancy or terribly long. Just amuse me. Please? Because you luuuurv me just. That. Much.

It's the least you can do for me while the hole in my stomach lining from drinking so much soda heals.
"Border Volunteers Disruptive, Feds Say"

What are they disrupting - the Border Patrol's coffee breaks?

Maybe one of them left the coffee ring - ewwww!!!
What's Grosser Than Gross?

A coffee ring.

In the men's room.

On the freakin' urinal!!!


Sunday, April 03, 2005

I Must Have These, Oh Yes

My geekiness knows no bounds.

Courtesy of Amy.