Monday, November 12, 2007

My MP3 Player Is Having A Crisis

The following is a transcript of a talk I had with my MP3 player, Thing_2, this morning:

Me: Good morning, Thing.
Thing: Is This It? (1)
Me: Uh...what do you mean?
Thing: Stand By Me (2)
Me: Um...OK. Sure.
Thing: You Wear It Well (3)
Me: Why, thank you. I just got this shirt last weekend.
Thing: I'll Stand By You (4)
Me: That's awfully nice of you.
Thing: Goodbye Stranger (5)
Me: What? Wait - I thought you were going to stand by me. Where are you going?
Thing: Heaven, Hell or Houston (6)
Me: OK - interesting itinerary...
Thing: Talk Dirty To Me (7)
Thing: Negasonic Teenage Warhead (8)
Me: Hey, let's not start with the name calling!
Thing: Rhinosaur (9)
Me: Now, cut that out! Let's try to steer this conversation back into friendly territory. Have you seen any good movies lately?
Thing: Fame (10)
Me: What a feelin', huh? Actually, I've never seen that one. Not my bag, baby.
Thing: No Excuses (11)
Me: No, really. Just not big on musicals & dancing.
Thing: You Take My Breath Away (12)
Me:'re very nice, too.
Thing: Come Dancing (13)
Me: Sorry, I'm not much of a dancer.
Thing: Serenade (14)
Me: What, exactly, are you getting at, Thing?
Thing: I Love Rock N' Roll (15)
Me: Quit changing the subject!
Thing: Strangelove (16)
Me: Wha?
Thing: Fake Friends (17)
Me: No, Thing. I am your friend. Really. Anyway, let's play a game. Let's find out your pr0n star name, OK? Your last name would be the name of the street you grew up on. What was that?
Thing: Fascination Street (18)
Me: And your first name would be the name of your family pet.
Thing: Louie Louie (19)
Me: So, your name would be Louie Fascination. OK, that didn't turn out as funny as I'd hoped. Whatever. Oh, I'm such a bad host - I didn't ask if I could get you anything.
Thing: Coffee & TV (20)
Me: OK. Anything else?
Thing: Let's Dance (21)
Me: I've already told you, Thing, I'm not into dancing.
Thing: Reason (22)
Me: I'm just not very coordinated.
Thing: Amateur (23)
Me: Oh, way worse than that.
Thing: Have A Cigar (24)
Me: Thanks, Thing, but I don't smoke.
Thing: I Summon You (25)
Me: No, Thing, I do not want a cigar!
Thing: There There (26)
Me: Sorry. I guess I got a little worked up there.
Thing: Get Over It (27)
Me: Hey, now...
Thing: I Touch Myself (28)
Me: Dude, I so did not want to know that...
Thing: Do Ya Think I'm Sexy? (29)
Me: Um...You're very nice looking, as far as small electronics go.
Thing: Creep (30)
Me: Hey! You asked me!
Thing: No Surprises (31)
Me: What's that supposed to mean?
Thing: Wish You Were Here (32)
Me: Thing, I'm right in front of you. Let's try to get this conversation back on topic - any topic! I'm thinking about taking a trip to Constantinople some time...
Thing: Istanbul (Not Constantinople) (33)
Me: Oh yeah. They changed the name a few years back, didn't they?
Thing: Loser (34)
Me: Stop that! I'm nice to you - I keep fresh batteries on hand; got you a cozy little protective case...
Thing: Save Me (35)
Me: Why? What's wrong?
Thing: Insane In The Brain (36)
Me: Well, that explains a lot about this conversation. Hey, I'm booking us a room for our next trip. Any preferences as to where to stay?
Thing: Hotel California (37)
Me: Nah. I've heard checking out's a bear.
Thing: Stupid Girl (38)
Me: Hey, I'm neither of those!
Thing: Crazy (39)
Me: I'm thinking that describes you more than me, my friend.
Thing: Simple Man (40)
Me: OK, that's enough! One more time & I'm gonna start using those cheapie Ray-O-Vac batteries in you!
Thing: Last Nite (41)
Me: What about it?
Thing: Love (42)
Me: Do I really want to hear about this?
Thing: So Lonely (43)
Me: Sounds like a personal problem.
Thing: Hold My Hand (44)
Me: don't have any.
Thing: Am I Evil? (45)
Me: No, Thing, not at all. You just lack appendages. There are a lot of people out there without hands. The inability to operate a doorknob does not make one evil.
Thing: Heart & Soul (46)
Me: Yes. That's what makes a person a person. Hands are just a perk.
Thing: Stop (47)
Me: Sorry, Thing. I was just trying to make you feel better.
Thing: Say It Isn't So (48)
Me: What, Thing?
Thing: Cry (49)
Me: Aw, Thing, don't cry. You'll short yourself out.
Thing: Don't Stand So Close To Me (50)
Me: Sorry. I'll give you a little space.
Thing: Every Time You Go Away (51)
Me: You're sending mixed signals, Thing. Do you want me to go or not?
Thing: They Don't Know (52)
Me: Who? What are you talking about?
Thing: 2+2=5 (53)
Me: What's wrong with you? Are your batteries going out?
Thing: Keep Talking (54)
Me: Alright. Um...lessee...this past weekend, we went to the Griffith Observatory, then to Hollywood & then to dinner on the pier at Santa Monica...
Thing: Why Can't I Be You (55)
Me: Aren't you happy being you?
Thing: Is She Really Going Out With Him? (56)
Me: Is that what this is all about? A girl? Is that why you've been so needy & clingy?
Thing: I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues (57)
Me: It's OK. How are you feeling right now?
Thing: Constant Craving (58)
Me: Hmm...what did you think when you first met her?
Thing: The Search Is Over (59)
Me: Aw, that's sweet. What kind of work were you doing at the time? What was your job title?
Thing: DJ (60)
Me: Oh yeah - chicks dig DJ's. How'd things go when you started seeing each other?
Thing: Touch & Go (61)
Me: And later?
Thing: Heavenly (62)
Me: That doesn't sound so bad. Where'd you go on your first date?
Thing: In Your Room (63)
Me: Wow. I suddenly feel the need to change the sheets on my bed. What'd you do later?
Thing: Learn To Fly (64)
Me: You took flying lessons?
Thing: Crazy Little Thing Called Love (65)
Me: Uh...yeah. It’ll make you do some weird things. Did you ever just spend nights in, just watching TV? What was your favorite show?
Thing: Heroes (66)
Me: Cool! Mine, too!
Thing: Wise Up (67)
Me: Talking to you is like riding in a car with a beginner driver...
Thing: If I Ever Lose My Faith In You (68)
Me: See? That's what I'm talking about! Back to the topic at hand: did you watch anything else?
Thing: Twilight Zone (69)
Me: Interesting taste in shows. By the way, what was her name?
Thing: Maggie May (70)
Me: That's a nice name. Did you have a favorite place to go when not watching TV? A favorite restaurant, perhaps?
Thing: Sunset Grill (71)
Me: Oh yeah - I've heard they make a mean fajita. So, you dated for a while. What was your impression of her towards the end?
Thing: Stone Cold Crazy (72)
Me: Ooo, been there, done that, my friend. I know you're still a bit torn up about the whole thing, but, have you tried seeing anyone else, even if it's just a rebound kinda thing?
Thing: Stacy's Mom (73)
Me: Yeah, she's got it goin' on. Is there anything you can say that you learned from you brief relationship with Maggie May?
Thing: Don't Look Back In Anger (74)
Me: Sage advice, my friend. Sage advice. Anyway, other than Stacy's mom, are there any other prospects?
Thing: Living Dead Girl (75)
Me: Oh. I didn't know you were into the Goth look...
Thing: Super Freak (76)
Me: You'd better be careful with that one.
Thing: Love Hurts (77)
Me: I know it does, Thing, but you'll be alright. Things look dark now, but they'll get better. I promise. The memory of Maggie May...
Thing: Still Remains (78)
Me: Well, I'm sure it does, but what I was going to say was that the memories will fade soon.
Thing: Lovefool (79)
Me: Don't be so hard on yourself, Thing. We all go a little crazy over someone sometimes. Maybe I can help you out a bit. Being a DJ seemed to help you with the ladies. What other jobs have you had in the past?
Thing: Piano Man (80)
Me: Really? I would've never guessed it, what with having no hands & all. How long did you do that?
Thing: 14 Years (81)
Me: How'd that pan out, ladies-wise? What kind of women go for a handless piano player?
Thing: Crazy Babies (82)
Me: Really?
Thing: Truly, Truly (83)
Me: So, why'd you decide to quit that line of work?
Thing: Changes (84)
Me: What'd you do when you landed the DJ gig?
Thing: Jump Around (85)
Me: That's impressive, considering you have no legs. What'd you feel?
Thing: Joy (86)
Me: That's nice. Hey, it's getting late. Do you want to go do anything?
Thing: Take Me Out (87)
Me: OK. Just let me call T; she might like to go along...
Thing: Just The Two Of Us (88)
Me: Uh, let me check with her, anyway. Is there anything in particular you want to do?
Thing: Rock This Town (89)
Me: I see - looking to sow a few oats, eh? Anyone in particular you're looking for (wink, wink)?
Thing: Sheep (90)
Me: Uh...sheep? Do I want to know what for?
Thing: Master & Servant (91)
Me: I shouldn't have asked. Is there actually a place where you would find sheep for that purpose?
Thing: Feel Good Inc. (92)
Me: Do they have anything else there that's not so nauseating?
Thing: Sexy Hypnotist (93)
Me: Hmm...anything else?
Thing: The Rover (94)
Me: more, please.
Thing: We Belong (95)
Me: You might, my friend. Not me.
Thing: My Darling (96)
Me: I told you to quit calling me that!
Thing: Mr. Jones (97)
Me: That, too!
Thing: Ruby Soho (98)
Me: OK, that's it - I've asked you time & again to quit with the names! I'm going to go now.
Thing: Kiss & Say Goodbye (99)
Me: How about a firm handshake? Oh yeah – I forgot the whole ‘hands’ issue…

(1) The Strokes; (2) Ben E. King; (3) Rod Stewart; (4) The Pretenders; (5) Supertramp; (6) ZZ Top; (7) Poison; (8) Monster Magnet; (9) Soundgarden; (10) David Bowie; (11) Alice In Chains; (12) Eva Cassidy; (13) The Kinks; (14) Steve Miller Band; (15) Joan Jett & The Blackhearts; (16) Depeche Mode; (17) Joan Jett & The Blackhearts; (18) The Cure; (19) The Kingsmen; (20) Blur; (21) David Bowie; (22) Hoobastank; (23) Aimee Mann; (24) Pink Floyd; (25) Spoon; (26) Radiohead; (27) OK Go; (28) The Divinyls; (29) Rod Stewart; (30) Radiohead; (31) Radiohead; (32) Pink Floyd; (33) They Might Be Giants; (34) Beck; (35) Remy Zero; (36) Cypress Hill; (37) The Eagles; (38) Garbage; (39) Gnarls Barkley; (40) Lynyrd Skynynd; (41) The Strokes; (42) Sixpence None The Richer; (43) The Police; (44) Hootie & The Blowfish; (45) Metallica; (46) Huey Lewis & The News; (47) Jane’s Addiction; (48) Hall & Oates; (49) Faith Hill; (50) The Police; (51) Paul Young; (52) Tracy Ullman; (53) Radiohead; (54) Pink Floyd; (55) The Cure; (56) Joe Jackson; (57) Elton John; (58) kd lang; (59) Survivor; (60) David Bowie; (61) The Cars; (62) Grant-Lee Phillips; (63) The Bangles; (64) Foo Fighters; (65) Queen; (66) David Bowie; (67) Aimee Mann; (68) Sting; (69) Golden Earring; (70) Rod Stewart; (71) Don Henley; (72) Queen; (73) Fountains Of Wayne; (74) Oasis; (75) Rob Zombie; (76) Rick James; (77) Nazareth; (78) Stone Temple Pilots; (79)The Cardigans; (80) Billy Joel; (81) Guns n’ Roses; (82) Ozzy Osbourne; (83) Grant Lee Buffalo; (84) David Bowie; (85) House Of Pain; (86) Tim Hughes; (87) Franz Ferdinand; (88) Bill Withers & Grover Washington, Jr.; (89) The Stray Cats; (90) Pink Floyd; (91) Depeche Mode; (92) Gorillaz; (93) Luscious Jackson; (94) Led Zeppelin; (95) Pat Benatar; (96) Wilco; (97) Counting Crows; (98) Rancid; (99) The Manhattans

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Check It Out!

Waaaaaay back in March, I set up my own B-Movie site, PelĂ­culas Peculiares (Spanish for "peculiar movies"). It's not much (the first two reviews are from here), but it's a start. To commemorate the grand unveiling, I've actually put up a new, never before seen review. Hopefully, I'll shake the dust off of some of the dozen or so reviews in various stages of completion & post them, as well.

Go on - check it out! See what a site looks like before its author slacks off on the postings!

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Because I'm Flaky Like That, Yo!

I saw the MI:5 thing over at Amy's about a zillion years ago & signed up to join in the weekly fun.

Since then, I've done one. I think.

So, in an attempt to shake off some of my flaky crust, I've decided not only to participate in this week's (lucky you!), but to also try to catch up with a few of the previous weeks questions. So, for your reading enjoyment, here you go.

Last week

No real theme:

1. Do you like roller coasters? If you do what is your favorite part? If you don't? Why not?
I love, love, LOVE roller coasters! The speed, the loops, the feeling of impending death - it's all good, my friends.

2. What is your favorite traditional treat you find in a Halloween bag?
Hmm...Reese's are always good. Kit Kats, too. My favorite hard candies, though, are jaw breakers. Yummy yummy yummy...

3. When was the last time you went to the dentist? Was it routine or was something bothering you?
I dunno. Probably my last check up. Which was for, in dental parlance, a check up.

4. What was the last book you read that you would recommend?
Honestly, I have about a dozen books in various stages of completion (the Lord of the Rings trilogy, Lake Wobegon Days, Fahrenheit 451, The Lost World [the old Sir Arthur Conan Doyle one], Edgar Allan Poe's writings, etc.). The amazing thing is that I can pick up any one of those & start off right where I left with little or no having to go back & refresh myself on the story. Simply amazing, I tell ya.

5. What is the theme song to your life right now?
Usually "I'm Too Sexy" because, well, I am.

The Weeks Beyond

I tried to come up with a "theme" but nothing came to me. The following are just some random thoughts/questions.

1. Hectic and crazy are often how we describe our daily lives. If you had to pick the moment of each day that you felt the most serene, when would that be?
Lunch time, when I work the late shift (my cellmates go to lunch at noon, leaving me able to listen to my MP3's & be generally unaccosted) & on the drive home.

Well, when the Moron Patrol isn't driving 15 miles under the speed limit with their blinker on.

2. What “habit” has been the most difficult for you to give up? Why do you think it’s been so difficult for you?
The oxygen habit. Try as I might, my body just can't get enough of the schtuff.

3. If you could relieve your spouse (friend, family member, significant other) of one burden in life, what you take away?
Hmm...having to work, instead of working simply because they wanted to.

4. If a psychic offered to tell you anything you wanted to know about your life, what is the thing you would least like to know?
Um...wha? Are we talking about things in my past? Because I really don't need a psychic to tell me that.

5. What has been the hardest transition you have had to make in life? And how did you do it – what helped?
These things are making my head hurt. Next...

Bonus Question – How about those Red Sox! Are you a true blue fan, loyal through the ups and downs? Or do you follow them only if they are in the World Series?
Honestly, I didn't even know the Series had ended until a week later. How's that for a guy whose father lived & breathed the sport? I'm a bad, bad son.


I have a suggestion for the 5 if no one has jumped on it yet - If someone has - tuck it in the *In case of emergency* MI5 file.

1. What story are you writing with your life right now?
A cautionary pamphlet entitled "Things You Shouldn't Stick Your Finger In."

2. If you could ask God for one thing, what would it be?
Idiot Repellent.

3. What does your heart long to be involved in?
Wow...that's deep. Unfortunately, I'm not at this time. Next...

4. It is said you learn something new everyday. What are some things you’d like to learn to enrich your life?
The lyrics to 'Louie, Louie.'

5. Everyone has a mantra even if they don't outwardly express it - time to make yours public
"Why the heck do morons congregate around me?" Wait - that's more of a question than a mantra, isn't it?

I guess "Kill 'em all & let God sort it out" would work.

Why are you all looking at me like that?


(Sorry this is so early! I’m going to be away more than I am going to be home next week, so I’m sending this now while I’m thinking about it. (Just for clarification: Jim’s MI-5 are for TODAY, my MI-5 are for next Friday, October 5.)

As I am away traveling this week, I thought I would do a little “Travel MI-5”.

1. My sweetie and I are going to Bar Harbor on an overnight. If you were to plan a realistic overnight getaway for your sweetie or a best friend, what would it be? Where would you go? Where would you stay? Where would you eat? Any special activities?
Geez, that's all five questions in one!

1a Well, if it's a realistic overnight getaway, then I guess the answer would be a realistic overnight getaway.

1b Probably up the coast a bit.

1c In a low cost, but, hopefully, roach free travel lodge.

1d At a restaurant, most likely.

1e Nunya bee's wax, mister.

2. My family and I are going to Virginia for a long-weekend. If you were to plan a realistic long-weekend getaway for your immediate family, what would it be? Where would you go? Where would you stay? Where would you eat? Any special activities?
Waitaminute...didn't I just see these questions?

3. Have you ever read a novel set in an exotic locale? If so, tell us a little about it. Would you like to visit there?
As Middle Earth doesn't seem to have any running water or shower facilities, I'd have to say, no.

4. When I go away, I really look forward to eating at restaurants that are not here where I live (Golden Corral, Sonic & Cracker Barrel). Are there similar restaurants that you like to frequent when you are away?

5. I have only been to one Broadway show (“Cats”), and I would like to go to another. However, it would consist of quite a bit of travel to get there. Since I probably won’t be attending anytime soon, tell me something about a Broadway show. Have you ever been to one? Have you heard about one that peaks your interest? Is there a Broadway show that has music of which you are particularly fond? Do you hate even the thought of Broadway? Why?
Let's try the 'Question 1' approach again, shall we?

5a I don't know of any.

5b No.

5c Nope.

5d Not so much.

5e I really don't have an opinion one way or the other.

5f Because I have never taken the time to formulate one.