Friday, January 30, 2004

Friday Five

Amy beat me to the Friday Five today, which is a good thing because I probably would've forgotten until Sunday, thereby making this the Not-Quite-Friday-Five. So, here you go, the Actually-Done-On-Friday-Friday-Five:

You have just won one million dollars:

1. Who do you call first? T. Definitely T first.

2. What is the first thing you buy for yourself? A plane ticket to Arkansas. I guess I could just buy my own plane, for that matter.

3. What is the first thing you buy for someone else? Tickets for T for a trip around Europe, since she chose me over Italy :)

4. Do you give any away? If yes, to whom? Yes. Family first. Then to local food distributions & pantries.

5. Do you invest any? If so, how? I have absolutely no idea. Something that would pay enough in interest or returns so that T & I wouldn't have to work. Land maybe. A big enough piece so that I wouldn't have anyone living right on top of me. Maybe out in the desert Southwest somewhere or back near T's family.

Monday, January 26, 2004

He lives!

The Amazing Shark Boy's apparently been jostled out of semi-retirement (unfortunately, it took the passing of Captain Kangaroo to do this). Being one of my partners in bad movie watching, you can trust his reviews. Well, of the bad movies, at least. He still thinks Moulin Rouge was the greatest thing ever. But, he was able to make it through Manos: The Hands of Fate without crying for his mommy. That movie truly pained my soul to watch.
I just thought I'd let you know...

...that generic Pop Tarts aren't nearly as good as the real thing.

Just lettin' you know, is all.

Friday, January 23, 2004

The Friday Five

I've been meaning to do this ever since I saw it over at Suburban Blight. And, as I'm trying to make good on the whole posting-more-often resolution, this will give one more thing to post (if I can remember to do this every week). Here you go - the first MLCotW Friday Five:

At this moment, what is your favorite...


I'm kinda hooked on Jet's "Be My Girl." But, my all time favoritest song in the whole wide world is "The Boys of Summer" by Don Henley (I haven't heard the remake of it & am not in any hurry). I don't know what it is about this song. It just reminds me of my high school days, which, come to think of it, weren't all that great. Meh.


Pizza. Sausage & double cheese. (What can I say? I'm easy to please.)

3. show?

Any of the shows on the History Channel that involve swords or tanks.

4. ...scent?

T's scent. I can't describe it. It's the best, though.

5. ...quote?

It's better to remain silent & thought a fool than to open your mouth & remove all doubt- usually attributed to Abe Lincoln. I know a few people at work who should give it a try.

Farewell, Captain

Bob Keeshan, Captain Kangaroo, died this morning.

We'll miss you, Captain.

Thursday, January 22, 2004


There’s a woman who works in my department & in the year & change that I’ve been here, we’ve exchanged maybe a dozen words or so. I used to think that maybe she was shy or some crap like that. Attempts at saying “Hello” or “Good Morning” were always met with a stare & silence. But, I have come to the conclusion that she is what science has classified as a mucspherius grande, more commonly known as a big snotball. This was driven home a couple of nights ago as we were leaving for the day. I was backing out of my parking space after having looked both ways to make sure the coast was clear. I didn’t see anyone, so I started backing out. That was when I heard a tiny car horn & saw her flying past me.

Now, I ask you, if you’re driving towards a car that’s backing out & it seems that they might not have seen you, wouldn’t you slow down to avoid a possible collision instead of racing past the car?


Wednesday, January 21, 2004

Hey Vern!

OK, all I had for dinner last night was some macaroni & cheese, so I don’t know if I can blame this dream on what I ate.

The dream started off with me going to what I can only describe as a family friendly burlesque house. It was like a combination theatre/Moulin Rouge. At one point, ushers came down the aisles. One of the ushers came up to me & informed me that there was a five drink minimum (!). I informed the man that I didn't drink, so he told me that I had to pay a $50 cover charge (apparently the drinks cost $10 a piece). I only had $37 in my pocket & gave this to the usher, who then tried to throw me out. I left the place & got into my car, driving it to a nearby car wash. I parked in one of the washing stalls to lay low for awhile & there, right before my eyes, was Ernest. Yes, that Ernest. We decided to wash my car & when the dryers went over the car, they hit Ernest in the face, causing his mouth to be blown wide open & comedy ensued. Amazingly, though, his hat did not come off. We laughed & then drove off.

So, if I were to interpret this dream, I'd say that it was definitely not a God sent, prophetic dream. It may well be that the macaroni had probably gone bad.

Tuesday, January 13, 2004


My work computer has officially been geekified. I found a few of my little Star Wars spaceships at home & brought them in to accentuate my monitor (also to give me something to play with when I get bored). They go nicely with the skull & crossbones that I fashioned out of packing peanuts.


Drat…I just found out that I missed the first episode of The Surreal Life. I’ve said before that I’m not a fan of “reality” television, mostly because it’s the most unrealistic thing on TV. When was the last time someone put me up in a plush loft with a cushy job & paid for everything? Hmm…lemme think. Never.

The Surreal Life’s appeal, for me, at least, is that the people on it were never “real” people to begin with. They’re actors & entertainers. They’re the closest things we have in the real world to comic book characters. They’re so outlandish; they live in a different plane of reality than the rest of us. The show doesn’t try to portray these people as average, everyday folk. Nope, it makes it plain that these are people whose 15 minutes of fame ended a long time ago & are being given an extra 30 seconds. And it’s all for my entertainment.


Dave Coullier, Crafton/Mentone, Jabootu & smothered burrito nutritional value.

What do these all have in common, you ask?

They are all recent Google referrals to MLCotW.

The smothered burrito search is far more comforting than the recent spate of searches for a “Good Guy Chucky doll” & a “’58 Plymouth Fury”, though.

‘Tis a weird, weird world we live in.

Sunday, January 11, 2004

Well, whaddya know? A new post...

I know it's a little late, but here's my New Years Resolution:

I will try to post more frequently, even if there's nothing interesting to write about. I'll make things up if I have to.

So, in keeping with this resolution, here's a new post. Enjoy!

It makes Nirvana look like my high school’s pep squad

Due to a tragic mishap involving the radio antenna, the only four stations we can get in the office with any regularity are 1) a rock station; 2) an urban/hip hop station; 3) an adult contemporary station; & 4) a country station.

At one time, the rock station used to play good music & was work friendly. Over the years, though, the music that they play has progressively sucked more & more & the DJ’s seem to be in a battle to see who can be the most vulgar & crude.

I can’t stand rap & R&B & the local hip/hop station is definitely not work friendly. I think my manager would have a coronary right in my office doorway if she heard some of what’s on that station.

Hmm…that gives me an idea. Anyway...

The adult contemporary station is apparently run by the Celine Dion fan club. When they’re not playing the Great White Source of All Evil, the rest of their music either lulls you into a coma or makes you want to slit your wrists as a means of escaping the screeching of Britney & Christina & the endless repetition of “Wind Beneath My Wings.” In addition, their DJ’s mind-numbing droning makes me want to commit violent acts against houseplants & mimes. Actually, anything makes me want to commit violent acts against mimes, but that’s a whole other post.

The only alternative is the country station. Without giving them too much free publicity, this station is reeeeeally irritating. The whole theme of the station is frogs. Everything, & I mean e-ver-y-thing is a pun using frog related words. The DJ’s names, the weather, the traffic reports (“…there’s a big pile-up on the “frog”way today…”) – everything. And the music? Ugh! Is it a rule now that country songs have to be about the most depressing subjects in the world? Lessee…there’s the song about a mom talking to God, begging Him not to take her sick daughter. Then there’s the other one about the guy who keeps asking, “please don’t take the girl” & you find out at the end of the song that he’s singing about his wife who's about to die after giving birth. What happened to the old country song formula of wife leaving/pickup truck/faithful old dog? It’s no wonder that the rest of the songs revolve around getting drunk. It’s the only way to escape the gloomy world that country music portrays. Given the themes surrounding most country songs, one would think that God hates country singers. I’m inclined to think that He just might.

Unfortunately, given the choices on the radio that we have in the office, the country station is the only work (& mime) safe station available. The obvious question is “Why don’t you bring in CD’s?” I do. It’s just that I can’t constantly be playing DJ & changing out discs all day. So, I do my best to keep from throwing things at the radio.

Sometimes I succeed.

So, until I get my boombox fixed or can shell out a few bucks for a new one, I will have to put up with twangy, heart-wrenching songs or twangy songs about getting plastered.

*Sigh* I need a drink...

Monday, January 05, 2004

The Cydonian Gazette

Object Falls From Sky; Locals Alarmed; Government Sticks With Weather Satellite Explanation

GUSEV CRATER, EQUATORIAL MARS (AMP) – Local residents flooded authorities with reports of an object seen falling from the sky near Gusev Crater. “I saw a bright streak in the sky,” said farmer Gleeb Zyz, “It hit the ground & then bounced for about a mile, I reckon, out near the trailer park on Outer Highway Blzyx.”

Military officials quickly cordoned off the area around the Crater. The government released a statement saying that the object seen was a downed Martian weather satellite & has asked for citizens to stay out of the area while they clean up the debris. “There is nothing to be concerned about. Not a thing. It’s not like it’s an alien craft…uh, I mean…um…is this thing on?” said Yzzx City mayor Jorb Floob, shortly before he was whisked away by several men in black suits.

There has been an increase in recent years of the claims of sightings of strange things in the skies above Mars. Five years ago, many Martians reported seeing another object crash into the planet. Government officials assured the public that the explosion was nothing more than swamp gas. Other reports of a craft landing & a small vehicle driving around were dismissed as “the wild imagination of a bar patron who had downed one too many Venusian Sunsets.”

The sightings began about 30 years ago, with citizens claiming that there were alien spacecraft orbiting the planet & spying on them. A claim was also made around that time of a craft making a landing on Martian soil. The government assured the public that it, too, was a weather balloon that had crash landed, but conspiracy theories have stated that it was actually a landing craft from the nearby planet Earth, long thought by those on the fringe as possibly harboring life. Martian scientists have maintained that the possibility of finding intelligent life on Mars’ nearest celestial neighbor is remote at best. According to Martian Aeronautics & Space Administration (MASA) researcher Blorp Tyxz “Earth is just not a planet conducive to supporting life. Its high levels of nitrogen in its atmosphere & other, apparently naturally occurring pollutants, make it quite inhospitable for any kind of life. And with that large hole in it’s ozone layer, well…I just think it would be foolish to think that anything could survive & achieve any semblance of intelligence, much less send a spaceship to Mars.”

Others aren’t so skeptical. “I was watching my favorite show one night,” said Blyzx Trailer Park manager Qlld Xrgt, “when all of a sudden, the picture started getting’ all wavy-like & some frightening looking creature that kept yellin’ ‘riiiikie…waaaaa’ & another one that kept sayin’ ‘rooocie, joo got some splainin’ too dooo’ showed up on the set. I tell you, it scared the livin’ shplork outta me!”

Thursday, January 01, 2004

New Disney Ride

The Boy also informed me of a new ride at Disney's California Adventure, the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, which he descibes as shooting you up a tower at ridiculous speeds & then dropping you down the tower at similiarly ridiculous speeds. The ride ends at the bottom of the tower, where the doors open & you are led into -

a gift shop.

That whirling sound you hear is Uncle Walt's cryogenically frozen head spinning. Somewhere in the attic of the Hauted Mansion, or so I've been told.
Bootie Cookies

Since I'm not a New Years Eve party animal type pf guy, the Boy & I spent the evening beating the crap out of each other on Gundam Battle Assault 2 & Matt Hoffman Pro BMX. I also spent a good part of the night trying to let the Boy make cookies on his own (or at least with minimal interference from me). He saved up some dough to make "American Flag" cookies for some of his friends, & then made the two of us six cookies - two small & one big cookie each. When he pulled the cookie sheet out of the oven, he noticed that the two large, round cookies had joined together to form, what he termed, a bootie cookie. Yes, the cookies looked like a butt.

Ladies & Gentlemen, my son - inventor of the Bootie Cookie (tm).