Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Philosophy At 430a

Conversations can be interesting when one of the people doing the talking is only half awake. Case in point:

Me: I had "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas stuck in my head the other day.

Her: Oh, that song's horrible!

Me: I know! I had a hard time believing that somebody actually sat down, put pen to paper & expended the energy to write "I like my lady bumps." I mean, I don't need all of my music to have deep meaning, but c'mon..."My Humps?"

Her: Sir Mix-A-Lot said it so much better.

Me: Ah yes, Sir Mix-A-Lot. Perhaps the greatest philosophical lyricist of our time. And he's direct & honest. (At this point I start hearing "I like big butts/& I can not lie..." in my head)

Aristotle. Plato. Socrates. Sir Mix-A-Lot. That's one impressive pantheon of great minds.

I wonder if Socrates liked 'em little in the middle, but with much back?

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Finally - A Good Use For Spam Email




Office Supply For ETS

No more sporks breaking off at the handle after she's embedded it in a co-workers cranuim. Plus, she can have it engraved.

MY-Ti Titanium Spork

Saturday, December 03, 2005

I meant to write yesterday but I got distracted by bright shiny objects and never got around to it. This is why my own blog resembles nothing so much as a second-hand store full of odd tidbits of flotsam and jetsom.

I wanted to talk about my payroll, about how it was due to arrive on Thursday in order for me to be able to collate and package and distribute and highlight and copy and sticky-tape and mail everybody's paychecks to everybody's location, but that by mid-afternoon and less than two hours 'til the cutoff for a timely mail-drop, the checks had not arrived. The idea of this caused much imaginary panic and mayhem and torching and bloodshed, so I thought I'd best give our provider a call, see what might possibly have happened to delay our shipment. And, you know, get a tracking number.

The man who answered the phone was very nice and apologetic, but I fired him anyway. For a day. Then I told him he could come back to work because, quite frankly, I need him around to ensure that my next payroll gets to me on time. It seems that although it's a straight shot from there to here, no layovers, no plane changes, no nothing but fresh, clean, frigid air in between and, therefore, no reason for my payroll to be making any unexpected stops in any sort of warm, tropical regions, imagine my absolute astonishment to find that my payroll, instead of flying here to the Northlands, was currently sitting in a warehouse in Ontario, California with no intentions of arriving to me until Friday morning, more than twenty-four hours later and guaranteeing that at least one of my branches would not be getting paid until a week past its due date.

It happens. Once (as some may recall by a certain conversation posted between The Pete and I regarding frat boys and poor, defensively and perfectly innocent sheep) my payroll spent the night in Montana, which is several states too far east so this isn't exactly an abnormal occurence by any means, but I was miffed all the same.

I mean, really - why should my payroll get to visit my Grandma when I can't, huh? The unfairness simply boggles the mind....

- Posted by ETS

Friday, December 02, 2005

Dear Jay

I understand that you are at the annual Thanksmas celebration you have with your family in Arkansas. Family is important and I am glad to hear that you are celebrating the holidays with them.

Worry not, Jay- I did get your christmas list this year. No- I do not plan a repeat of last years gift of coal. We are working on getting your presents done in time for the big day.

Unfortunately I don't think that I will be able to get you that "authentic" storm trooper suit you asked elves are having trouble finding the correct materials to create the suit the exacting specifications you are requesting.

I also don't think we will be able to deliver the lifesize wax replica of John Stamos you are asking for. He said that any requests coming from you could be considered harassment.

Perhaps you should be a little less specific when sending in your lists…the elves get upset when they can’t find certain materials for the presents or are denied by the likes of John Stamos. That elf is still crying about the rude treatment.

Don’t worry – Mrs. Claus has a nice stocking for you with tons of Star Wars Pez dispensers and a Mace Windu Action figure already set up for you and it is in my bag of goodies.

I have to go – my head elf said something about a big box of coal heading your way. Don’t worry- I am sure it is all a misunderstanding. I will look into it right now.


Santa Claus

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