Monday, October 30, 2006

Why I Have The Bestest Wife In The Universe

Eight little words: Handmade Jedi cloak & Grant Lee Phillips tickets.

Yeah. She so rocks!

You're the ab-so-lute best, Beautiful!

Friday, October 27, 2006

Here We Go Again

The shadows are turning blue & the sunlight's being filtered through smoke, turning the light a weird orange hue & making it look like sunset all day long.

Yep, we've got us another big fire, this time about 20 miles to the southeast of us in Cabazon. It's close enough to be able to see at night. The sound of air tankers going over & the smell of smoke in the air conjure up images of WW II movies.

I just wish this was only a movie.

I'm sure that a lot of you have seen the reports on TV (it's actually made the national news). Over 24,000 acres scorched in just over a day & a half. The last I heard, ten structures, including homes, had been destroyed. And, sadly, four firefighters have died & one's in critical condition with burns over 95% of his body. The authorities have determined that it was set by an arsonist & was set in just the right place to insure that the Santa Ana winds would fan it, optimizing the damage potential.

Send your well wishes & prayers to the people who've lost their homes, the ones at risk of losing their homes, the families of the four firefighters who lost their lives yesterday & the firefighters still out there.

Great...I just heard on the radio that some idiot is driving along Highway 18 (one of the main routes up into the San Bernardino mountains) setting cardboard boxes on fire & throwing them out his truck window. Fortunately, motorists have stopped to put out the boxes & have given the police a good description of the moron.

Sigh...what is wrong with people?
Ow, Ow, Ow, Owie, Ow, Ow

All morning long my brain has been fighting with my left eye, in an apparent attempt to pop the eye out & escape through the socket.


Now it's trying to escape out the back of my skull using a jackhammer.

Stupid brain...

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

My Super Power List

Being the geek that I am (not to be confused with being a ‘dork’ or a ‘dweeb’ or even [shudder] a ‘nerd’), I’ve been trying to figure out what my super power is. So, I’ve made a list of super powers that I don’t have & a list of ones that I do.

First up, the powers that I’m lacking:

Super speed


Superhuman strength

The ability to make my work complete itself just by staring at it

Time/space warping (although, I can do the ‘Time Warp’)




The ability to burp on command

Precognitive visions


Now, the powers that I do possess:

Super good looks

Super modesty

Superhumanly strong, nigh invulnerable chin whiskers

Super flatus so powerful that it can rattle the windows & peel the paint off the walls – of the neighbor’s apartment

A super leadfoot

Super human belly button lint production

Super ability to shut my brain off & not have a single thought cross my mind at any given time

Super ability to grow hair in weird & completely useless places

Super strong stomach

Super annoying ability to draw super annoying people to my general vicinity

That’s a pretty impressive list. I think I’ll start designing my costume tonight - made completely from my super belly button lint!
Heroes, Week Five

Obligatory spoiler alert *** Obligatory spoiler alert *** Obligatory spoiler alert


I actually took notes while watching this episode, instead of relying on my memory to write this. I found this to be a big mistake, as A) I’m a horrible note taker & B) I suck at following the crappy notes that I do take. So, this week’s Highlights section will be less of a blow-by-blow, like last week, & more of a general overview. Let me know in the comments section which format you prefer, Loyal Readers – short & sweet or long & ridiculously detailed.

With this episode, the heroes are all starting to meet up: Future Ninja Hiro relays his vague (of course) message to Peter on the subway (“Save the Cheerleader, save the world.” No names. No telling Peter where to find her. Some messenger you are. Thanks for clearing things up, FN Hiro); Hiro sees Nathan come in for a landing (in his pajamas!) after Nathan escapes from CD & MM; Nathan & Good Niki discuss their interlude from last week & the blackmail attempt on Nathan; Isaac & Peter collaborate to try to put together the paintings; Peter then finishes one of Isaac’s precog paintings, this one showing a menacing shadow figure looming over Claire’s body, laying in a pool of blood sans the top of her head; & Ando, whose powers seem to be super horndogginess & the ability to track down Internet strippers, shows up on Niki’s doorstep.

Oh yeah, & we have a bit of a family reunion as DL finally makes an appearance at Niki’s.

Yes, everything seems to be coming together.

We also get to see some of the characters stretching out with their new abilities starting with Nathan learning that he can fly at supersonic speeds. Peter finds that he’s able to mimic Isaac’s precog painter ability without the use of mind altering drugs. And Matt the PsiCop’s mind reading talent seems to be a bit hard for him to control, as his head nearly explodes when he becomes overwhelmed by the thoughts of everyone in a local Qwik-E-Mart where he went to get some ice cream for his wife after some sweet lovin’. (Maybe it was just the oxytocin & he was really tired)

And the show wouldn’t be complete without leaving us all hanging as Peter talks to Present Day (PD) Hiro for the first time, telling him that he has a message for him.

Again with the vagueness!

Gripes? I got 'em

Let’s start with something that I touched on last week: the whole ‘seeing or being from the future & leaving cryptic messages’ routine. I realize that the drama & tension have to be ratcheted up every now & then, but once, just once, I’d like to see someone come from the future (I’m looking at you, FN Hiro) & actually tell someone something of worth. “Save the Cheerleader, save the world?” What kind of crap is that? What cheerleader? Where? How about a school, at least?

Somebody throw me a frickin’ bone, here! (I love that line!)

I also get that telling too much about the future could cause big problems with the whole time/space continuum & rend the Universe in half, but, c’mon…at least give Peter something to go on! Yeesh!

Next, I’ve been noticing that as the show goes on (but more so in this episode), there are a lot of coincidences going on. Case in point: Hiro & Ando are unceremoniously dumped outside of a diner in the literal middle of nowhere. This just happens to be the same diner in the literal middle of nowhere that Nathan decides to land at just moments later. Hmph…what are the odds?

I guess accepting the coincidences are just part of the suspension of disbelief needed to be able to swallow a story about people spontaneously bustin’ out with super powers. And really, I guess that, given the story that the writers are trying to tell, there has to be a certain amount of coincidence.

OK, I’ll let it slide. This time.

This last moan is directed at whoever put together the previews montage at the end of the show: please be careful with what you show in the previews. Yes, all of us who have been following the show closely, probably at the cost of our mental health & coolness quotients, know that DL can phase. A lot of people figured it out from the get-go. But, since you didn’t show him using this ability in this episode, it may have kinda ruined the surprise for those viewers who spent their formative years going out on dates & to football games rather than staying at home on a Saturday night, cataloging their comic book collection in a Trapper Keeper, in great detail, by series, volume, date, cross-over, condition, cost & estimated value.

Not that I knew anyone like that.



My catalog was kept in a blue denim notebook. So there.


This one’s less a problem & more of a head scratcher.

It involves the point in the show when Claire is wheeled into the hospital ER & later when CD is there by her side. During our Tuesday morning Heroes roundtable, Miguelito & I noticed that Claire’s ‘accident’ happened at, say, 10p local time. But, CD was shown a little bit later in Vegas, manhandling Nathan – in broad daylight.

So, we set about trying to figure out if this was a simple case of a Plan 9-esque day-night-day editing error or…something else. Here’s the timeline that we constructed:

Claire leaves the school with QB no later than 930p (football practice, so I’ve been told, usually wouldn’t last beyond 9p). They tool around town a bit, and then Claire introduces QB to his car’s dashboard. Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that this occurs at about 10p (the streets were empty; I don’t know how big Odessa, TX is*, but I’m guessing that it quiets down after sunset). Now, someone more than likely saw or heard the accident, so let’s be generous & say that the accident is reported at about 1005p. It’d take about five minutes for the medics to get there & probably another ten to twenty minutes to extract them from the car. So, we’re at about 1025-1030p. A trip to the ER would probably be about five to fifteen minutes, maybe, depending on the distance & traffic. Now we’re up to about 1045p or so. In that time, the police could have found Claire’s ID & contacted her mother, who could’ve been to the ER before the ambulance. So, let’s just say that Claire’s mom calls CD somewhere around 11p.

Now, when we catch up with CD & hear his phone ring, he’s at the airstrip with Nathan, at a time that’s obviously after sunrise. If the phone call is from his wife, then, geez! She’s been trying to reach him all night long. Then, he’s all the sudden there at Claire’s bedside.

(I’ve just figured out what CD’s power is – the ability to book flights on short notice! Keen!)

Another question brought up, related to the time displacement problem this show has, is just how long was Good/Evil Niki left sleeping in Nathan’s bed before his lackey came in & booted her out? Nathan was abducted, flew away to BFE for breakfast, came back to the hotel (I believe it's the same one, The Montecito from NBC’s ‘Las Vegas’ [as pointed out by the ever vigilant ETS] that Hiro & Ando were ejected from) & then ran into Good Niki. I guess this is feasible, if Good Niki chose to hang around the hotel for a few hours after she got up. Maybe she was looking around for Nathan. Maybe the hotel had a great all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet & she was trying to get her $8.95 worth (she is eating for two, in a manner of speaking). Who knows?

Again, the writers seem to be taking advantage of the audience’s willingness to let some things slide. However, even the most ardent fan will eventually say “Oh, come on!” & give up on the show when forced to fill in so many holes in the plot. Are you listening Lost?

New Theories?

This one involves CD.

So far, he’s been portrayed as, if not completely eee-vil, then at least sketchy & underhanded. We know what he’s capable of &, as was evidenced by his having MM scrub QB’s brainbox clean, what lengths he’ll go to in order to reach his goals.

My theory, though, is that he’s the ‘red herring’ of the show (a red herring being a character or object that is used to mislead the audience into thinking that they are the villain of the story, when, in actuality, they aren’t). I’m thinking that he’s not out to harm Claire, though, or, even the other Supers. Think about it: although he’s played as eee-vil & like he’s a gub’ment spOOk type, have we actually seen him do anything against the Supers to warrant that? The most he apparently did to Matt was to wipe out the memory of his abduction. He hesitated to shoot Nathan when he bolted. He’s not done anything to Claire & is awfully protective of her (I still think that he & his wife didn’t choose to adopt Claire; more that she was placed with him & his family by whatever agency he works for). I dunno…I’m thinking that he may be the key to bringing the Supers together.

Another thing: I missed it, but Miguelito noticed that the hilt on FN Hiro’s katana had the helix insignia emblazoned on it. And we all know that MM has the insignia on his necklace. Why would FN Hiro, who we are assuming to be a good guy, & MM have the same symbol on them? My thought is that the symbol is the heroes’ insignia &, that CD, having MM working with him, is really working for the good side.

Another theory that’s been brought to the table, & this goes back to CD getting around the country really quick, is that he’s not one person, but more like an Agent Smith from The Matrix, only without the mad kung-fu skilz. I know that Texas, Nevada & California aren’t all that far apart, but the guy’s really rackin’ up the frequent flyer miles with all the traveling he does. And if he’s gone so much, how would he be able to keep an eye on Claire? That could be remedied if he’s a clone.

It wouldn’t explain, though, how MM is always with him. Unless Miguelito’s theory that CD’s power is the ability to shrink MM & carry him in his pocket is correct.

Hey, it could happen!

*I looked up the stats on Odessa, TX. At a population of 93,546 as of July 2005, it’s bigger than I thought.

Yes, I put waaaay too much effort into that & am now paying for it with a headache & the scorn & ridicule of normal people everywhere. The love & adoration of the legions of geeks watching the show & reading this (OK, the three of you who might read this if I ask nicely) will make it all worthwhile, though.

Thanks guys!

Monday, October 23, 2006

Intervention, Please


I finally did it. As much as I tried not to.

I registered with the Heroes board at Look here for Kyokugaisha, defending the honor of Iron Man.

Yeah...I'm a geek.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Useless Information

*Note: this was typed up before working out (see previous post), hence the complete words, proper spelling & use of capital letters

Little things I've learned over the years (usually involving fire or pain):

Cat litter is combustible

Trying to recharge a 9-volt battery by touching the terminals to a lamp plug with bare wires & plugging it in to the wall doesn't work (it's also how I found out that cat litter burns)

Windex isn't a very effective wasp repellant

Wasps are a lot smarter than they look

They're vindictive little so & so's, too

Mixing chlorine & pool cleaner together isn't really a good idea, but it makes a wicked cool looking green cloud

Mixing bleach & cleaning chemicals is an even worse idea

Just because you find a food for really cheap at the store doesn't mean it's a good idea to eat it

Doritos can be ignited

So can the little plastic ends of shoelaces

Lizards can jump

I don't like lizards, jumping or otherwise

In a battle between your nose & the rear spoiler of a 1974 Pinto stationwagon, the spoiler will always win

The results are the same in a fight between your head & a cinder block

Whole limes have a very high resistance to being torched with hairspray & a lighter

Human forearm hair, on the other hand, burns down to nothing in a split second

The warning on the spraypaint can's not kidding when it says not to puncture the can

I can say, with perfect confidence, that almost anything is better than being poked in the eye with a sharp stick

Earwigs pop when exposed to massive amounts of fire

You can't make a fire alarm stop going off by spraying it with air freshener

You can, however, make it stop by ripping it off the ceiling

Holding a cat while walking into a room with a dog is a bad, bad idea
lk;al;ksdfjkl;kaserh;i'afklnkasdvl;nkasdflnkcvklnasdfasdf;has;bvljkasdgagfl;kasdfkl;ahsdg;kljahsdglja kl;asdhg asdkl;gh asd;flkh asd;klfh asdg; adf;kla asdgl;kah sdg;'a adsklgj asdgklj asdgklaj dflk;ja aiewhpgioavd 9asdv ;lkasdvhji advglk adg khlad;klsjbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

(Translation: can't type...worked out tonight...arms not happy...threatening to team up with hands & poke brain with a Q-Tip if it ever gets the bright idea to do that

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Heroes, Week Four

Spoilers ahoy!


The episode as a whole was fairly well done. The opening with Matt the PsiCop (possibly my least favorite character on the show) in the clutches of Claire's dad (CD) & the Mystery Man (MM) was OK (although, it was a lazy way to connect Matt with Claire). The general consensus amongst some people I've talked to & the forums is that MM is not Sylar, but maybe D.L., Niki's husband & Micah's father. I'd read in one forum that it's thought that D.L. is also a Super with the power to phase (walk through walls for all you non-geek [read: normal] people) & that's how he escaped from prison. I'm thinking, though, that if this is indeed D.L., then maybe his power isn't phasing, but something more along the lines of power siphoning, with a little bit of being able to shield himself (& people within a certain proximity to him) from mind reading thrown in there for good measure & that he didn't escape from prison, but the eee-vil organization that CD works for got him out to work for them.

(My cubemate, Miguelito, apparently found some evidence against MM being D.L. While searching through the forums, he found posts stating that D.L. is supposed to show up in the 6th episode. Also, he looked for pix of the actor playing D.L., Leonard Roberts, & concluded that he looks nothing like MM. Good going Miguelito; way to crush the theory!)

There's the indication that whoever CD works for has been watching Matt &, maybe, the others. Is it possible that Claire wasn't chosen to be adopted by CD, but rather was assigned to him in order to monitor her & possibly ferret out her biological family? Hmm...

Speaking of Claire, she seems to have bounced back nicely from her little accident & date with the coroner. (For more on that, see the gripes section) (Oh yeah, I gots me a bone to pick!)

We got to see a bit more of Niki's alter ego in action, lending more credence to the similarities between her & Bruce Banner/the Incredible Hulk. I haven't figured out yet if Good Niki has any control over when Evil Niki shows up. I'm thinking that, like the Hulk, Evil Niki manifests herself when Good Niki is stressed out or in danger, although, not because she's trying to protect Good Niki, but rather out of self-preservation. Think about it: Evil Niki's in a bit of a bind if Good Niki kicks the oxygen habit. I'm still thinking that Good Niki will end up being overpowered by Evil Niki, possibly joining up with the bad guys in some way, & then will redeem herself with a sacrificial, heroic death.

My favorite part of the show of course involved my favorite Super, Hiro (Super. Hiro. Super Hiro! Ha! I'm so clever!) & Ando in Vegas. After Ando figures out that they can cheat the casino & other players (& convinces Hiro to go along with it), they rake in money left & right, ending with them being thrown out of the casino. Shortly after that, they run into one of the high rollers that they cheated (by stealing his cards). Ando, trying to bluff their way out of the situation, I guess, tells the guy & his entourage that Hiro has great powers & not to mess with them. The end result is Hiro, not understanding what Ando just said, getting his clock punched & the two of them being carried off.

Peter finally finds Mohinder (inadvertently, as he was actually looking for Mohinder's father) & confirms what the geeks had suspected - he's a mimic. This was hinted at early in the series by the fact that Peter couldn't fly when he jumped off the building until he was close enough to Nathan & (as was pointed out to me by Miguelito) when he was in the hospital, on morphine, he began drawing a picture of him walking on air after having been around Isaac, the Junkie Precog, that later came to pass. Score one for the geeks!

Meanwhile, over at Isaac's, he tries to convince his ex that he's painting the future, has seen the destruction of New York & has to do something to stop it. To be a hero. Later, he shoots up & starts seeing future events, this one involving Claire being chased by a big shadow. Now, what gets me with Isaac & precogs in comics & fantasy in general, is that they always manage to see what's going on just before 'something' happens. They never seem to be able to see who's doing it. Lousy precogs...

We later see Claire, back at school, confronting the quarterback who, it turns out, has a bit of a history of not understanding the word 'No'. Claire meets up with him in the same place that Isaac had painted earlier. I guess we were supposed the think that this was his vision coming true, but this proves to not be the case. Claire turns on her come hither charms & we next find her driving the QB's car at ludicrous speed, confronting him about the other night. He, being the slime bucket that he is, tries to blame it on her. She responds to his inability to accept responsibility for his actions by driving his car into a wall at Warp 10.

The end? Well, Future Ninja Hiro looked rockin' & had quite the firm grasp of the English language.

And I was completely baffled.

A fine, confusing ending, in typical Heroes fashion.

Gripes? I got 'em

OK, let's get the gripes out of the way.

First up, Claire. When we last saw her, she was splayed open on an examination table with a branch still poking out of her head. The branch was removed & she came to almost immediately. This week, we see the beginning of the autopsy & are given a (rather feeble) reason for the procedure: it seems that after her school's star quarterback got a little grabby & she accidentally impaled her head on a stick, he stripped her down & left her body in a nearby creek. She was found & taken to the morgue as a Jane Doe (which is why nobody - family-wise, at least - noticed she was missing), where the coroner determined that her death was by drowning & the stick in her head was a secondary injury, explaining, I guess, why it wasn't removed initially & why the autopsy was necessary. The stick is pulled out & the wound heals.

Now, as I said earlier, on last week's episode, Claire came to immediately after the stickectomy. This week, it takes her just long enough to allow the medical examiner to leave the room & not see Claire come back to the land of the living.

How convenient.

To me, that's just sloppy scripting &/or pacing. I can buy that Claire's body had to start repairing itself &, given the damage that she'd sustained, it'd take a little longer than, say, mending a broken finger. But with the way that the previous episode ended...well, it was horribly inconsistent. I mean, last week the examiner pulled the stick out & left like she'd pulled the pin on a grenade & was running for cover! This time, she had time to pull the stick out, look it over, make a note about it, wipe her hands off & then go tend to a telephone call. I've got two words for the makers of Heroes - Continuity Director.

Next, I guess that's it for the gripes. Wow, short & sweet this week.


I've really only one to add to my previously expressed list: things are becoming a wee bit predictable.

I brought this up to T after Monday's episode, saying that either A) the writers are lazy, B) the storyline's just waaay too predictable or C) I (& the rest of the geeks out there figuring out what's been going on) have read waaay too many comic books over time. Her response?

"It's just you. Not all of us have read a thousand comic books."

Thanks, Babe...

New Theories?

Yes, I do have a new one, thanks for asking.

This one involves Isaac. OK, we know he's a junkie. We know he gets these 'visions' when he's high & then he paints them or puts them into comic book form. What if the whole reality that's going on around him, with all of these people gaining fantastic powers, doesn't really exist? More to the point, what if that reality is all his making? What if this all turns out to be one of his 'trips'? Yes, just like St. Elsewhere. Or Newhart.

Boy, won't he be surprised when he wakes up next to Suzanne Pleshette?

Or what if reality isn't one of his drug induced hallucinations, but he is actually creating all of the strange things going on in the world with his magic Paintbrush o' Omnipotence?

Or maybe I'm looking too hard into this.

That might be it...

Monday, October 16, 2006

Treinta y Cinco

My birthday weekend:

Drive, drive, drive, brake, brake, brake, curse under breath, brake, curse under breath, drive, drive, miss the entrance to Knott's Berry Farm, curse under breath, drive, drive, drive, pass parking lot on the back-forty, drive, find entrance to Knott's, miss picnic area parking, curse under breath, drive, park in the back-forty parking, curse under breath, walk, walk, walk, get in line, get on ride, up, up, up, downdownscreamdownscreamcorkscrewscreamscreamloopcorkscrewturn, up, up, up, dropscreamtwiststop, walk, walk, walk, eat, eat, eat, drink, drink, drink, walk, walk, walk, drive, drive, drive, Battlefront II, sleep, wake up, drive, drive, drive, eat, eat, eat, shop, shop, shop, Empire At War, sleep.

Turning 35 takes a lot out of a person...

Thanks for all the well wishes, gifts & forwarded emails from celebrities - y'all are the best!

Here's looking to another year!

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Jay: It's pretty clear to me that you aren't being honest with your ...obsessions... when you write your fan mail, otherwise why would Amy and I continue to receive your cease and desist letters in our mailboxes? Get with the program, Jay - he's just not into you. ~ETS

Dear Jay:

According to the many restraining orders I've lodged against you over the length of our indirect acquaintance, I see that today is your birthday. My lawyers have advised against this e-mail contact but, in light of my current "new leaf" status, I'm choosing to take this opportunity to explain a few things to you in the hopes that you fall over from shock, take a knock to the head, and miraculously come to realize that I'm not a god and you don't need to worship me. (At least not quite as much as you do now.)

First though, please know that I do recognize you as a long-standing and immensely loyal fan, all the way from my days as Blackie Parrish through those as Lance Stargrove, from Jake Phillips to Tony Gates, and I do thank you for your continued support. I imagine that you are the only man on the face of the planet who not only considers his Uncle Jesse "action figure" to have been a sound investment, you actually tell people about it. Proudly. (I would suggest, however, that you take it down off the mantle when you have friends over or, at the very least, turn the spotlights off for the length of their stay. House-guests should be your priority, Jay, not your mulleted obsessions from the 80s.) That being said, I'm fairly certain that no one has any doubts about your fandom at all. How could they?

However, I must stress that I do have a steady job now. It's a good one, too. In fact, it's an awesome job that doesn't show any signs of going away, not now, not ever, so there's no need to continue mourning the loss of my career. My career isn't dead, Jay; it's both alive and kicking, so please quit sending condolence cards to my mother. You're freaking her out, and I'm getting tired of having to drop whatever I'm doing to rush over to her house as soon as the mailman arrives in order to convince her that I really am me, I am alive and that the voice on the other end of the phone line isn't some evil villain impersonating me after having done away with her bouncing baby boy. (How did you get her address, anyway?)

I am going to continue declining your requests for a sample of my chest hair. I thought it flattering at one point; you wouldn't be the first man to have asked and I'd drawn certain...assumptions based upon your requests, but you've consistently insisted that you are not gay, which scares me more than anything else, Jay. It's one thing to imagine you as a lonely, friendless little man sitting in his rocking chair sewing together throw pillows filled with my chest hair, but as you've vetoed that idea so vehemently I can only imagine one other reason for your continued requests: hoodoo. I'm not stupid, Jay - I've seen "The Skeleton Key," and there's no way you're getting your hands on any of my DNA, so stop asking already! (If, however, you are making little chest hair sachets for resale to other rabid "ER" fans, please have your lawyer contact mine so that we can come to an amicable arrangement regarding my percentage of the gross sales.)

I do have to refute one of your most blatant misconceptions, though: I once wore a USC sweatshirt in a random photo published in a Tiger Beat magazine while in the throes of the 80s, but wearing a sweatshirt does not mean that I am an alumni, nor does it mean that I am a "Trojan" spokesperson. I do not hold stock in the company either and, if I did, I still wouldn't send you free samples. (Although perhaps I should become a stockholder and get some samples for myself; have you seen how hot the Olsen twins have turned out? "Come to Uncle Jesse, babies...." Yeah.)

In closing, Jay, my birthday wish for you is that you find something else in life with which to occupy your time, something that doesn't involve spending your every waking moment concerned about what I eat for breakfast or how I get my eyebrows to do that incredibly handsome Greek furrow thing. In fact, Dave Coulier and I have been talking about you, and we've decided that perhaps you might be interested in transferring your attentions to Bob Saget. He seems to be the only member of the "Full House" family whose fan club you don't run, and he tells one heck of a twisted version of "The Aristocrats," so he'd definitely be worth your time! Think about it. (Also: Dave would like it very much if you'd quit referring to him as "Big Daddy Dave." It creeps him out.) (Come to think about it, it creeps me out too, so stop already!)

Happy birthday Jay, and please quit calling me.

John Stamos
Jay- this better be the last email I get for you in my PO BOX or I will change boxes. These are definitely creepy. - Amy

Dearest Jay-

It had been awhile since I had received a letter from you...I was starting to worry about your welfare since you were writing me so regularly there for awhile that it started to creep me out just a little. It scared me just a little when you told me that you were able to distinguish my voice in Scooby and Scrappy-Doo, The Jetsons, Detention, Teen Titans and Muppet Babies. And then when you became a season ticket red-wings holder because I was one and ended up in the seats next to me- well that just pushed all my creep factor buttons. You do realize though that my "real" name is NOT Joey Gladstone right? Putting I (heart) JOEY GLADSTONE on the Jumbotron during that one game...uncalled for. The horrific memories of that day still haunt me..hold on a second while I compose myself.

Anyway- thank you for your interest in Shredderman- my new television show. Yes It is going to be a comedy and it is about a superhero called Shredderman- but that is all I can tell you right now. Unfortunately, nothing is slated to happen with it until 2007. I know that it is a long time for you to wait. I know that my appearance in Skating with Celebrities was not enough to hold you over. I do have a little bit of Skating with the Celebrities trivia for you. Did you know that I was frustrated with the toe picks on the ice skates and filed them off of my skates so they were more like hockey skates. Maybe they should have written something like that into my favorite movie THE CUTTING EDGE (who doesn't love the idea of a hockey player becoming a pairs skater- it was certainly a dream of mine).

I will tell you to keep your eye out for FARCE OF THE PENGUINS where I will be playing the voice of one of the penguins. It is a mockumentary of sorts on MARCH OF THE PENGUINS. It is hilarious material if I don't say so myself. And I might add the movie was written and directed by none other than Bob Sagat. I am sure, being such a big FULL HOUSE FAN, you know who Bob is. What I don't understand is why you don't follow his career the way you follow the careers of both John and I. Not that you aren't a great guy Jay and we are both very flattered and slightly freaked out about your...obsession devotion, but we really think you should turn at least some of your attentions on Bob. Poor Bob really feels left out you know.

So as my birthday present to you Jay, instead of the video you requested of me doing my impression of Mr. Woodchuck in nothing but a towel, I give you Bob Sagat. I will email you later with his personal contact information. Happy birthday big guy!

Sincerely, Dave

PS. Cut it out...I will not give you the contact information for "Michelle" and "DJ". Seriously. Cut. It. Out.
Jay- looks like you used my PO BOX again didn't you? Please stop. I hate getting your mail. It gives me the creeps. - Amy


You ARE crazy. Why would I get you a birthday present. I will NOT appear in an apparition like I did to Anakin. You would not warrant such an action. The lightsaber you claim I left for you last year? It is not genuine. If it were it would not have that little gold Made in China sticker on it. I am not China. I do not even know what china is you fool. I don't care if it is your birthday or not.

Stay Away, Darth Maul (nee Kahmeir Sarin).

PS. I will not give you a Sith Infiltrator for your birthday, you wanna be stormtrooper.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006


OK, I've watched the new show Heroes for three weeks now. And I've got some questions, gripes & theories. (For those of you who haven't watched the episodes I'm going to reference - or the show at all - spoilers follow. Ye've been warned, matey!)

First - in the second episode, Matt the psychic cop finds the little girl because he can hear her thoughts. Using this new found ability, he locates her hiding in a closet under the stairs. He's then arrested WITHOUT A SHRED OF EVIDENCE!

Let's go over what the scene in the house: the mother was pinned to the handrail on the staircase like a butterfly in a bug exhibit. The father had his brain removed via the top of his head & was frozen solid. The FBI agent who arrested Matt even said herself that it'd take like three people to lift the mother up onto the handrail & impale her with about five knives. The cop was, I assume, with his partner all day &, I'm pretty sure, lacks the ability to FREEZE SOMEONE SOLID! I'd hate to be anywhere near someone getting so much as a speeding ticket in this universe - I'd probably be charged with the Lindbergh Baby kidnapping.

Next up, the scenes involving my personal favorite, Hiro the Japanese time/space bender. If I understand correctly, he has a comic book that shows everything that's going to happen (in that issue, at least) to him. Yet, everything that happens is always some big surprise to him. I dunno, if I had an inkling that I was holding a graphic novel about the upcoming events in my life, I think I'd read the whole thing. Even the adds for GRIT & Captain 'O' (kids, ask your parents). He keeps referring to it as he goes along. Is he unable to read ahead? Is it written as things happen? Is he just not that bright?

Take, f'rinstance, the event that he uses to convince his friend that he's not completely crazy. He looks in the comic & finds that they're supposed to save a little girl from being hit by a truck. it turns out that they inadvertently cause her to be put in danger by flagging the truck, which causes it to careen toward the girl. Now, granted, Hiro ends up stopping time & moving the girl out of the way, but I had to wonder, if he'd looked at the comic & saw that the girl was in danger, couldn't he have seen what caused it as well?

The in-show advertisement for the new Nissan Versa at the end of their piece was a little annoying, as well.

The part that had my little B-movie lovin' heart all a'pitterpatter involved Niki the stripper with the homicidal mirror self. In last week's episode, a cherry 50's type land yacht is left outside her house, with the title in her name (do you have any idea how long it takes to get the pink slip for your car? I'm supposed to believe that her murderous mirror image convinced the DMV to hurry the process along?) & the dead bodies of the two goons sent to collect some loan money from her. She's given a map (is there anything that Mirror Niki can't do?), drives off into the night to the Nevada desert & finds a shovel. She finds more bodies buried out there, apparently connected to her escaped convict husband. This I can accept.

What made me roll my eyes was the fact that not once, driving out there with the top down, making noise while digging & pulling the bodies out of the trunk of her car (not to mention the smell that those rotting corpses must've been cranking out) did her son, in the back seat, wake up. Judging by the fact that, by the time she finished, the sun was directly overhead, he's not only a very heavy sleeper, but also a very long sleeper. He conveniently wakes up just as she finishes.

Later, she's driving along some lonely desert highway when she's pulled over by a Nevada State Trooper. Turns out, he actually works for the loan shark who's after her. Now, how in the Sam Hill did they find her? First off, she's not driving her little Gremlin that she had in the first episode. Second, SHE'S IN THE MIDDLE OF FREAKIN' NOWHERE!!! How in the world did the goon/cop find her? Suspects get through police dragnets all the time & this guy, who I'm assuming may not even be a cop, finds her. Do you have any idea how much desert there is surrounding Las Vegas? Better yet, do the writers?

Finally, at the end of last night's episode (if you've Tivo'd or taped this to watch later, you'll probably want to skip down a paragraph or two). Super Cheerleader Claire's cranium is poked by a large stick, effectively shutting her down. As I had pretty much figured (c'mon, they're not going to off one of the main characters yet), once the stick was removed, she came back to life - only to find that she'd been autopsied.

(hangs head in disbelief)

Alright, I understand this was done to ratchet up the suspense &, more than likely, to show off the extent of her Wolverine-esque powers, but...Wha...? They autopsied her? She had a friggin' branch sticking out the back of her head - I'd say that cause of death was pretty frickin' obvious!

Then, there's the fact that she comes to about two seconds after the branch was removed (which, you'd think they would've removed earlier in the examination process). Did the coroner pull the stick out & then run out of the room? Shouldn't they have noticed her waking up mere seconds after the branchectomy?

This does, however, fit nicely into one of my theories. When you've watched enough bad movies, you learn a thing or two - there's weather in space; a surprising number of alien races look just like us; & the pituitary gland is the source of a lot of human mutations. Yes, the pituitary gland. The 'Master Gland'. Hit it with transmissions from space & raise the dead. Eat one & gain the powers of its previous owner. Yep, you read that right.

My theory, based on Claire's resurrection & Sylar's predilection for brains, is that everyone's powers are connected to their pituitary. Claire's was temporarily cut off from the rest of her body & when it was reconnected, voila!, everything was back to normal. Well, except for that whole autopsy thing. And Sylar seems to be opening people's heads like cans of tuna & making off with their grey matter.

C'mon, people - it all adds up!

Anyway, contrary to what the above rantings may imply, I'm actually digging this show.It's moving along at a nice clip, keeping me interested without giving too much away (hellooo, creators of Lost? Are you paying attention here?). Apart from the completely boneheaded things that I've written about here, it's a good show that's kept me coming back for the past three weeks, even though I'd much rather be playing Civ IV (ask T - that really does say something).

Here's to hoping they don't run out of steam too quickly, though.

My Eyes! MY EYES!!!

T & I joined the gym at the local Y in an attempt to finally get to that resolution to get into shape from about 1997.

I learned a hard lesson last night: whatever you do, when you're in the men's locker room, do not, I repeat, DO NOT look into the mirror while washing your hands.

I didn't get a good look, but I do believe that the cop from the Village People was showering in there. Or a Sasquatch, maybe, I dunno...All I remember is hair. Lots & lots of hair. It is something that I never, ever want to see again.

Thursday, October 05, 2006


While we're on the subject of the restroom at work, here's a little snippet of a conversation overheard there last week. This is the reason for the 'No speaking while leaking rule':

Co-Worker 1 (CW1) enters the lavatory, whistling, as usual. CW1 is quite the scofflaw when it comes to the bathroom rules.

Co-Worker 2 (CW2) enters shortly after, having to use the stall next to me to conduct his business.

Neither of them know I'm in the adjoining stall.

CW1: How're things, CW2?

CW2 (trying to adhere to the 'No speaking...' rule): Uh, fine. Just have had to go a lot today. (Why he felt the need to share this morsel of information, I don't know) Hope it's not diabetes or something. Heh, heh.

CW1: What color is it?

Me - trying to stifle my laughter while not entirely sure I'm hearing all of this

CW2: Wha?

CW1: Is it clear?

CW2:'s regular.

At this point it was almost impossible for me to hold back. I think I may have cleared my throat in an attempt to let them know that their conversation was not entirely private. At any rate, they both eventually left, possibly to continue their discourse on the color of healthy pee in a more secluded setting.

There are just things about people that I really never, ever want to know. The color of one's pee is pretty high up there.

Fermenting Asparagus

This morning, I walked into the nastier of the two men's rooms here at work. Unfortunately, someone was preparing the place for my arrival.

Apparently, this involves fermenting asparagus, because that's the only thing I can think of that could've made the stench that assaulted my nostrils when I entered. It didn't smell like, y'know...stuff. Nothing inside of the human body, dead or alive, should be able to make a smell like that.

I couldn't finish my business fast enough. I considered trying to cut things short, but decided to tough it out, all while holding my breath. I didn't want to breathe through my nose, for obvious reasons, & I didn't want to breathe through my mouth for fear of actually ingesting the offending particulates. I held my breath for as long as I could, but had to resort to breathing through a wet paper towel after I'd washed my hands in an effort to filter out that whatever it was that died in this person's alimentary tract.

I think I'm going to suggest investing in air fresheners at our next meeting. Or gas masks.

Note To Pedestrians

Dear Joggers, Dog Walkers, Baby Stroller Pushers & that guy that does that queer looking speed walking in short shorts that I unfortunately see every morning on the way to work -

I don't drive on the sidewalk; please quit walking in the street.



Monday, October 02, 2006

Torque Wrenches & TV Dinners

Have I ever told you how much I hate Maul-Mart?

I have? Well, sit down & listen to me anyway.

Yesterday, reluctantly, T & I went to the local Maul-Mart to get tires & an oil change for the clown car (despite my pleas - OK, whines - to pleasepleasePLEEEEEASE go toTarget or Goodyear or even to the dentist for a root canal, using unsterilized, dull drills - sans novacaine!). Making the trip there even more fun was the fact that no one had sent me the memo saying that October 1st was International Idiot Drivers in the Parking Lot Day. It just so happens that the parade for the Inland Empire Idiots Union Local 42 was going on right in front of me. The highlight of the parade was a demonstration by two carfuls of morons who couldn't navigate a two-way stop sign. And, to my sheer, immesureable delight, the Grand Marshall of the whole thing decided to stop his SUV in the intersection & talk to a friend walking across the lot, effectively throwing the rest of the idiot parade into a state of utter higgledy-piggledy because no one could figure out how to go around their leader. It was truly a spectacle to behold.

Have I ever told you how much I hate parades?

Anyway, having finally navigated through all that (& getting my blood pressure down to a more manageable level), we made our way to the Maul-Mart Auto Service Center, where we were greeted by not only a full parking lot, but also the sight of every bay in the service area being full. You can just imagine my joy when we were told that an oil change & new tires would take an hour & a half - each. Since the mere thought being in that store for more than five minutes turns me into a whiney baby, the idea of being stuck there for three hours was less than desireable. So, we opted just to get the tires. Having been assured that they'd be done in the stated ninety minutes, we headed into Hell's shopping center.

To be honest, our time spent in the store itself was more or less uneventful. I was followed around by the usual gang of idiots whose jobs are to park shopping carts two abreast in the aisle, to walk reeeeal sloooow down the center of the aisle or the ever popular people that stand in the middle of the row & when you say "Excuse me," they move exactly one inch from where they were. (This usually results in me nudging them & their cart over with mine; they don't say anthing to me, though, because as I'm squeezing my way through, I'm usually growling at them. I guess they at least have their sense of self-preservation intact) Surprisingly, even the lawaway department wasn't even that bad. No, the highlight of the in-store experience was at the check-out. What follows is a somewhat embellished account of what happened:

Cashier grabs one item, scans it & sets it aside.

Cashier grabs another item, scans it & sets it aside, also.

Cashier grabs a third item & repeats the process, including setting the item aside.

Cashier then opens grocery bag & proceeds to place items in said bag.

Cashier repeats steps one through four. With all twenty plus items we have to purchase.

I start looking at my ATM card, wondering how long it would take me to slit my wrists with it.

Cashier rings up all seven TV dinners, all but two of which are the same price, individually.

Cashier has to scan several dinners twice, as she couldn't get the scanner to read the barcode.

Cashier changes things up a bit when she realizes that hair gel & frozen dinners probably shouldn't go in the same bag.

I start calculating how long it would take to suffocate myself with one of the grocery bags; determine that banging my head against the floor would be quicker.

Cashier opens a second bag for the hair care product &, as the next few items are food items, puts nothing else in the bag.

Cashier gets confused as she apparently forgets what bag she put the friggin' gel in!!!

At this point my head starts pounding & I'm sure that my brain will shoot itself out the top of my skull in a vain attempt to escape with what little sanity it has left.

Cashier inspects package of lunchmeat. In great detail.

I start grabbing other non-edible items from back of conveyor belt (the existence of the button which would advance the belt was evidently a mystery to the cashier) & hand them to the cashier so she can finish filling the frickin' bag with the gel in it!!!

Cashier comments on how good the air freshener we picked out smells.

I start twitching.

Cashier finally totals everything up.

T helps me up from fetal position on floor.

You think it was painful reading that - try living it.

Twenty minutes later, with receipt in hand & a cart full of expertly packed groceries, we make our way back to the automotive department, a full two hours after we dropped off the car. Imagine my complete & utter rapture upon seeing the clown car up on the hoist with all four wheels still off!!! I nearly squirted fire at this point. When we brought up the point that our car was still in a state of undoneness, we were informed that a meeting was called at some point within the past two hours, requiring everyones attendance.

So, with the same mix of fascination & disgust that one has while watching chimps at the zoo pick their butts & then sniff their finger, we watched as not one, not two, nay, not even three, but four techs put the wheels back on the car. One walked around the car (apparently confirming that, yes, indeed, the tires needed to be put back on), another put the tires on, another tightened the lugnuts &, finally, one of them took a torque wrench, attached it to one of the lugnuts - & then walked away, joining his co-horts as they watched yet another tech sniff his finger load a hose into a takeup reel attached to the ceiling. This must've been terribly intriguing for them, as they all stood at the base of the ladder, completely engrossed by what was going on overhead.

Finally, one of the techs took time out of his busy schedule of flinging poo around his cage came into the waiting room, where he encountered a very irate, tired, Maul-Mart hatin' Jay & his equally irate & tired wife, who was threatening to "go all Southern" on them (& believe me, you do not want T to "go all Southern" on you). When I asked him when they planned on actually, y'know, using the torque wrench that was currently hanging off my tire (I think I even asked him if it was a self torquing wrench), we were told that the manager had to do that.

My brain actually made an audible 'Pop!' sound at this revelation. I'm getting dizzy just recalling it.

Soooo, we proceeded to find out just who this manager, this Keeper of the Secret & Arcane Knowledge of All Things Torque Wrench, was. I honestly expected to see someone looking a bit like Gandalf the Grey, only covered in grease. Instead, we were chagrined to find out that the manager had been in the waiting room - twice - to tell another customer - a cute, young & quite unmarried woman in short shorts - the bad news about her ailing rear axle. Waitaminute...I take that back. He attempted, in some feeble manner, using hand gestures & small words, to describe the inner workings of the wheel bearings to a person who probably had never seen under the hood of her car, much less the rear wheel assembly. It was T who actually told the woman that her rear axle was probably about to go to Rear Axle Heaven, how it worked & about how much longer it had. Again, he came in twice to tell someone who A) had a car problem that the grease monkeys at Maul-Mart weren't equipped to handle & B) had no intention of getting it fixed in the first place. He never once came in to say "Hey, we're a bit behind on your car, but will have it ready shortly" or "Sorry, we had a meeting that set us back" or even "Ook ook, eek ekk!"

We cornered Mr. Bubbles & asked him why he, & only he, was allowed to use the Holy Torque Wrench of Antioch. His reply didn't exactly fill me with a great deal of confidence. It seems that a couple months ago, someone drove out of that very Maul-Mart, entered the freeway - & had one of their WHEELS FALL OFF!!! In light of this, a mandate came down from on high (ie the lawyers who worked out a settlement with the person who sued the living snot out of Maul-Mart) that only a highly trained & certified manager would be allowed to torque down the lugnuts.

(Now, I don't claim to know a lot about fixing cars. I mean, I frequently have trouble remembering what side of the car the gas tank's on. But even I know how to use a torque wrench! It's all very simple - on a breakaway type wrench, you set the foot pounds that you want the nut torqued to with a little adjuster on the handle. When you reach the proper torque, voila! the wrench breaks away, making it so you can't tighten the nut anymore. I know this & I'm the type who believes that there's nothing I can't fix with a vise-grip & a reeeally big hammer. Shouldn't these supposed 'certified experts' know how to do this? Did the guy who worked on the other car miss Lugnut Tightening Day at Tire Changing School?)

I pointed to the big banner that had some schpeil about "100% Satisfaction!" & whatnot & told him that I was far, far less than 100% satisfied. We gave him a lesson on good customer service, telling him that, when a meeting is called in the middle of the workday, it might be nice to clue in the customer who's expecting that their car will be ready within a certain amount of time, so that the customer doesn't have frozen TV dinners & milk going bad in their shopping cart while Bonzo & Cheetah are picking nits & ticks out of each others fur. In an effort to appease us, he gave us free something or another on the tires, but, since I don't plan on ever buying tires there again, it's pretty moot.

Deciding that we'd had enough fun for one day, T & I headed home & took a much deserved nap.

I still never got the oil changed.