Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Zombie Talk

Me: Hello & welcome to the first installment of “Zombie Talk.” I’ll be your host as we scour history, raise the dead via the magic of the Voodoo & pick the brains, or what’s left of them, of some of the greatest figures of the past. On my left is my co-host, noted Haitian Voodoo priestess, Ms. Eulabelle. Welcome Ms. Eulabelle…

Ms. Eulabelle: ‘allo, chile. I’m happy ta bein here.

Me: It’s good to have you here. To give you, the audience, a little idea as to what we’ll be doing here on “Zombie Talk,” or ZT for short, every episode, Ms. Eulabelle will attempt to raise a famous person from the annals of history for me to interview; depending on how much of the brain’s left & how many vestigial memories are left, things could get interesting. We’ll even take requests for guests from the audience from time to time, but, remember to be patient, as digging up the body…er…acquiring the proper permissions to reanimate our guest takes a little time. And it’s also a little difficult to get some guests, as they’ve decomposed to the point where there’s not much to bring back.

Ms. Eulabelle: Dat’s right, honey. I be bringin’ back da zombies, not da ghosts. ‘Tis not my specialty, ha!

Me: Hahaha! Oh, Ms. Eulabelle, you’re such the card!

Anyway, as this is our inaugural episode, I wanted to be completely surprised by our first guest, so I let Ms. Eulabelle pick them out. So, let’s meet our first interviewee on “Zombie Talk.”

(Curtain draws back; blonde zombie comes shambling out)

Wow, Ms. Eulabelle – you got a fresh one, didn’t you?

Ms. Eulabelle: Dat’s not de zombie that I brought back, tho. I be reanimatin’ Isaac Hayes, chile!

Me: What do you mean? Those blank, soulless eyes; that vacant look; off-kilter walk; & - oh, man! That smell! Are you sure? I mean, look – it keeps stopping every time a light comes on.

Paris Hilton: Shiiiiiny! (drool)

Me: If that’s not a zombie, then I don’t know what is.

Paris Hilton: (stops & strikes a pose) Caaaaaameraaaaaas…(gurgle)

Me: I thought you couldn’t reanimate brainless people? Can you de-animate beings, Ms. Eulabelle?

Paris Hilton: Parrrrrteeeee…

Ms. Eulabelle: I don’ know, chile. Lemme tryin’ ‘dis –

(Smacks Hilton with a dead chicken)

Me: No, don’t go for the head – there’s nothing in there to damage! Do you have a wooden stake or a silver bullet or something?

Ms. Eulabelle:
Those don’ workin’ on de undead –

Me: What about the just plain stupid? Here – let’s try this –

(Busts out camera, sets off the flash)

Paris Hilton: Cheeeeeeese…

(Starts shambling toward the flash)

Me: Quick, Ms. Eulabelle! Open the door!

(Following the flashes, Hilton staggers out the door, stopping after every burst to pose)


Me: Whew! That was…too close!

(Sounds of scraping on the door)

Join us next time on Zombie Talk, when we try to interview a real, undead zombie, as opposed to a living idiot.