Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Machinehead: The Aftermath

My quest for a machine-like physique is off to a painful start.

I can barely lift my arms. My back is sending death threats to the rest of my body. My thighs feel like a gang of midgets went all “A Clockwork Orange” on them. Just making my eyes water sends spasms of pain throughout my body.

I almost made it through the inaugural “Turn Jay Into A Machine” workout routine. I decided to stop at the second round of ab curls (the last torment exercise of the circuit). I did this because A) I was about to throw up & B) I was about to pass out.

“Russ” was on duty last night & I really didn’t want him to perform CPR on me.

I stumbled my way back to the locker room, past the bevy of middle-aged men in various states of undress & poured water over my head in a vain attempt to keep my brain from popping out of my ears, all the while praying that I wouldn’t puke up my spleen. Then came the horrifying realization that, because the parking lot was so full, I’d parked waaaay far away.

I honestly contemplated curling up in a locker & calling it a night.

The drive home went something like this: press gas pedal, scream in pain, press brake pedal, writhe in agony, turn steering wheel, pray for death, etc. This was followed by the walk up the stairs to my apartment, which, I swear, the managers added more steps to.

Later, I actually couldn’t get up off the toilet without using my arms, which weren’t much help. I’m pretty sure that, while I was blacking out at the gym, someone removed all the muscle & bones from my thighs & replaced them with grape jelly.

I spent rest of the evening being laughed at by The Boy. This morning, hearing my cries of pain, he asked me if I needed help putting on my shoes.

He is so out of the will.

So far, the whole “Turning Jay Into A Machine” is going something like this:

Women look at my crumpled body laying on the floor & giggle.

Men laugh at me as I cry like a girlie-man every time I blink.

Children poke my broken heap of a body with sticks. And laugh.

The Boy’s friends all think I’m a boneless loser. They all laugh.

Animals are starting to hover over my near lifeless form. I shoo them away by making various whimpers & gurgling noises. If they could laugh, they would. Especially the blue birds. Jerks.

All of Canada’s laughing at me.

Tom has deleted my profile on MySchpace. While laughing his head off.

Dave Coulier still hasn’t returned my phone calls. Probably too busy laughing.

Not exactly what I pictured yesterday.