Tuesday, May 16, 2006

This Little Piggy Had A Date With A Bonesaw

On the news last night I saw one of the stupidest things I've seen in a long time - people are going to the doctor to have their toes shortened. Yes, people with unsightly, overlong second toes can now have the bone shortened so that they can wear open-toed shoes & high heels.


I mean, there are some medically releated reasons to have one's market going piggy shortened, but the women that the news article focused on were doing it for purely cosmetic reasons. One woman, who didn't want her face shown (probably because family & friends would laugh themselves retarded upon finding out that she had plastic surgery on her toe) said that she did it because her hideous, freakish, over-grown toe was noticeable, she admitted, probably only to her. But now, through the marvels of medical science, she can wear spike heeled shoes &, apparently, not worry about tripping people with her mutant digit. Think of the tragedy that has now been avoided! *whew!*
18 Ways To Torment Your Co-Workers

Fill desk drawers with packing peanuts
Put tape over mouthpiece on phone
Apply copius amounts of Quik-Sort (a substance that looks a lot like ear wax & gets sticky as it dries) to the earpiece
Fill rubber finger with lotion
Fill rubber finger with Quik-Sort
Tape pens in pencil holder together
Tape calendar shut
Tape phone handset to the base
Tape stapler shut
Apply hand sanitizer to mouse & mousepad
Apply Quik-Sort to mouse
Neuter co-workers mouse

Things left to do to my co-workers:

Superglue armrests to underside of desk
Hang rubberbands all over desk
Rearrange keys on keyboard
Leave numerous voicemails (probably have to do that one from home)
Superglue desk drawers shut
Superglue inkstamps to their covers

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Spring Cleaning

Searching for something else to do at work the other day (my hand was cramping from playing with the Schlumberger *hee hee!*), I decided to do my semi-annual desk cleaning. Since I work in a warehouse, things tend to get a little dusty. As I was evicting dust bunnies from behind my monitor, I started to do an inventory of my desk area.

Here's what I found:

A rubber band
2 Clone Trooper action figures
A bottle of Purell hand sanitizer
More dust
1 small sticky pad
About a fifth of another small sticky pad
About a tenth of a large sticky pad
A note from T written on a small sticky
My sunglasses
A bottle of contact lens cleaner
Some more dust
The Schlumberger *snort*
3 more rubber bands (for shooting at my cellmates)
A picture of T & I
A picture of The Boy
A Darth Vader alarm clock
A Spider-Man clock
A rubber spider on top of the Spider-Man clock
A rubber fish
2 spaceships made out of binder clips
Several pieces of the binder clips that didn't make it into my spaceship production
A paper airplane
The Millennium Falcon, an X-wing & a TIE Fighter (Micro Machines)
A thumbtack
Hmm...dust. Imagine that.
2 coffee cups (1 with pens, 1 with candy)
My laser scanner/death ray
Work crap (stamps, labels, papers that I stuffed into cubbyholes & promptly forgot about, etc.)
Paper clips (also handy for throwing at cellmates)

And that's just on my desk. And not even everything on my desk at that.

Above the desk:

A stuffed Snoopy from T
A Star Wars calendar
A picture of a Wookiee
A He-Man & Skeletor cake topper
More frickin' dust
A C-3PO action figure
An R2-D2 action figure (wouldn't want 3PO to get lonely)
A Christmas ornament of Chewbacca with C-3PO on his back from 'The Empire Strikes Back'
Still more rubber bands
The 'Hollywood Geek-Out' picture
A Darth Vader action figure (with lightsaber swinging action!)
2 Imperial Star Destroyers
An AT-AT & a snowspeeder (Micro Machines again)
Another Christmas ornament, this time of Darth Vader after he's told Luke about their family connection (it talks, too!)
1 Darth Tater (yup, I've even got a Darth Tater)
A picture of T on our wedding day
Another picture of T & I
And another one of The Boy
A picture of The Boy & T's dad (that everyone assumes is my dad for some reason)
Gah! More dust
A hydrocephalic baby Jesus (I found him in the 'Kings Cake' that Irene made after New Year's; He apparently didnt fare too well in the baking process)
An Episode I movie poster, kindly donated by ETS
A plant that's stayed alive despite my feeding it Mountain Dew
A stick for poking my nearest cellmate
A poster of an F-14 & an aircraft carrier from The Boy
A bottle of water (placed right next to the plant, just to be mean)

What I'm wondering is why I don't have more fun at work? A lot of my toys are here.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

My Schlumberger *snicker*

The other day, my supervisor gave each of us in the office a stress ball that looks like the planet Earth & is filled, quite unlike Earth, with some weird mystery gel. The best thing about it, though, is that it has the word 'Schlumberger' *giggle!* written across it. We named them our Schlumbergers *snort* which, as you can see, elicits several giggles whenever the word is uttered. I believe that the mystery gel is some mixture of jell-o & crack, as I haven't been able to put the Schlumberger *hee hee heeeee!* down since it was given to me.

Or maybe a gel filled squishy ball is just the most interesting thing in my office.

George Lucas & His Amazing Moneysucking Machine

I'm sure that most of you have heard the news - George Lucas is finally releasing the old, original, Han-shoots-first versions of Star Wars episodes IV-VI on DVD.

Y'know, it's not that I mind shelling out another thirty bucks apiece for the movies (because, yes, I'm a freak & I will buy the new DVDs). I just wish Mr. Lucas would quit following me around with that money vacuum of his.

It's a little embarrassing.
Celebrity Jeopardy!

Nails on a chalkboard
Being kicked in the head repeatedly by a rabid donkey
Being kicked in the jewels repeatedly by a rabid donkey
A battery acid enema

What are things I'd rather be subjected to than listening to alleged comedianne Kathy Griffin?
She had some special on TV. About ten seconds into the thing I was daydreaming about rabid donkeys & battery acid.

*Adding insult to injury, I had written this post a few days ago. Yesterday, my new Entertainment Weekly came in the mail. Who should they have a small article about?


Excuse me while I go drain my car's battery acid*

Monday, May 01, 2006

Happy Anniversary Deux!

Two years. Two years! Two years worth of laughter, cheesy movies, an argument or two & love. Lots & lots of love. My beautiful one, you are the living incarnation of perserverance!

I love you with all of my heart. You continue to make me the happiest man on the planet & I'm so, so, so grateful, honored & blessed to call you my best friend, my love, my wife.

I love you Beautiful!