Thursday, September 22, 2005

Words Of Wisdom

I learned tonight, while trying to refill a squeezable mustard bottle, that mustard does not flow well through a funnel.

Who knew?

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Funniest Song Title Of The Day

"Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off" by Joe Nichols

Country music can be fun sometimes.
Weirdest Sentence In An Email Today

"Incubus. I don't think a succubus would have the, uh...proper fixtures to facilitate impregnation. Unless it carried a turkey baster around. Don't ask me why I know that."

I have weird friends. We have weird discussions.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Random Rants

Yesterday, I was tired. I was cranky. And I was in the mood to rant. Not always a good combination.

Let's start off with someone that's been bothering me ever since this year's eMpTeeVee VMA's - Puffy Puff Daddy P. Diddy whatever he's calling himself these days. I refuse to stroke this man's ego anymore by referring to him by whatever name of the month he's using to get some attention. From this point forward, he will simply be referred to as "Sean." That's the name he started out with, that's the name I'm going to use. The same goes for Marion Knight, Marshall Mathers, Curtis Jackson & Calvin Brodis. And any other actor/performer/artiste who thinks more of themselves than they probably should (I'm looking at you Tony Hall, Ms. Ciccone & Cherilyn LaPierre Bono Allman).

While we're on the topic of celebrities, I'd like to thank the Good Lord Above for the birth of Britney Spears & Kevin "look at me, I'm Britney Spears' husband!" Federlane's baby. Why, you ask? Because I was so frickin' sick of seeing pictures of her trying to wear the clothes that she wore before she was pregnant! Tight t-shirts, long skirts & cowboy boots? Ugh! Hey, Brit - here's a little tip for you, should you decide to procreate again (& I pray that you think long & hard before doing that again): quit shopping at Wet Seal & Hot Topic & try the maternity section at Sears or Wal-Mart. Please?!?

On the international rant front - Canada. I went to buy a soda from the machine this morning, thinking that I had the requisite $.90 to purchase my morning fix, only to find Queen Elizabeth staring back at me. Listen, Canada - if you want quarters that are the same size, shape & weight as American quartes, then apply for statehood. You can have all the quarters you want then. Heck, wait a few years & you'll get your own state quarter. Lousy America, Jr.

And now, a personal rant or two. First off, who was the person who thought that two days off was an adequate amount of time for a weekend? I mean, you get off Friday evening & spend the time unwinding. Saturday, you try to cram as much R&R into as possible. Then, on Sunday, you spend the day thinking about the week ahead. So, in effect, you have one decompression day evening, one carefree day & one day getting ready for Monday, followed by five days of wishing the weekend would hurry up & get here. Thanks a lot, Mr. Architect-of-the-workweek! Would a four & three workweek have killed us?

This one's directed at the guy in my apartment complex with the Harley, who feels that it's necessary to let it run for a bit before leaving & the wonderful parents from across the park who displayed their awesome parenting skills (which basically amounts to "let them run around & scream & someone else will take care of them") at The Boy's birthday party last year (which they invited themselves to), who decided to make friends with the neighbor behind me. Meaning that I get to listen to her little girl scream her head off while the mother says "Don't be too loud" in the most unconvincing manner. All of you & your ilk are the primary reasons that I want my own house.

On about a thousand acres.

In the middle of nowhere.

On Mars.

And you, Mr. LA Fitness rep, who, after being told I don't know how many times in one phone call (& about three or four before that) that we're not interested in a membership with your establishment, had the cajones to ask me, several times, "Why?", even though I told you, again, I don't know how many times that your rates were ridiculously high. You had the nerve to set up an appointment that we didn't even ask for. Please tell me - when does "How much are your membership fees?" translate into "Please set me up for an appointment without my asking & then call me incessantly, even though I told you, repeatedly, that I'm not interested"? Have the steroids shriveled your brains as well as your genitals?

Frickin' retarded musclehead.

And finally, a rant directed at the ex, who annoys me just by the fact that she breathes. Gah! What was I thinking?

There. Much better now.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

You're Quite Welcome, Amy

I received this in my inbox from Amy of Ye Olde Badgroove:

"Jay...I think I can thank you for this! Remember that john stamos fan
??? Remember???
Well...because of that I got this...and I get tons of John Stamos (and
dave coulier) hits a


------------- Forwarded message follows -------------

The following message was sent on 09/13/05 at 3:37pm by xxxxxx:

My name is (name witheld to keep the freaky-types from flocking here), I am 10 years old and live in Texas. I am a
huge fan of John Stamos
and was wondering if you know where I can purchase some John Stamos
bedding. I have tried
several sites with no results. I would also like to know how I can join
his fan club. Thank

What I want to know is:

Where can I find some John Stamos bedding? I mean, I use cedar chips & newspaper for my little pet John Stamos, but if there's some bedding made specifically for him, then I'm all over it!
Dave Coulier Deficiency

I realized that there has been a drastic decrease in stories, letters & all around general mentions of MLCotW's Unofficial Patron Saint, Dave Coulier (or Coullier as I have been known to spell it - sorry Dave) & any & all things directly related to him. So, it is with a humbled heart & a bowed head that I now attempt to rectify the situation:

Dave Coulier, John Stamos, Bob Saget, The Olsen Twins, the other two sisters, Full House, Dave Coulier, John Stamos, Bob Saget, The Olsen Twins, the other two sisters, Full House, Dave Coulier, John Stamos, Bob Saget, The Olsen Twins, the other two sisters, Full House, Dave Coulier, John Stamos, Bob Saget, The Olsen Twins, the other two sisters, Full House, Dave Coulier, John Stamos, Bob Saget, The Olsen Twins, the other two sisters, Full House

There. That should do the trick. I feel much better now.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Saturday, September 03, 2005

And If They Jumped Off A Cliff?

I saw this over at ETS' & Amy's places, & they found it over at The Pete's site, so I figured "Why not?"

Here are the original instructions:

1. Go to

2. Enter the year you graduated from high school in the search function and get the list of 100 most popular songs of that year

3. Bold the songs you like, strike through the ones you hate and underline your favorite. Do nothing to the ones you don't remember (or don't care about).

As you'll see, I modified the directions a bit. Instead of the bolding/underlining/striking out bit, I gave my comments about the songs in question (bolding/underlining/striking out just doesn't give you much flexibility). I guess it doesn't really tell much if I liked the song or not (although, some are pretty obvious). But, I had fun flipping through the playlist of my senior year, so, it's not all bad.

Anywho, here we go:

1. Look Away, Chicago - Peter Cetera left & they were never the same.

2. My Perogative, Bobby Brown - I was a raging metalhead in the 80's, but I could still appreciate a catchy dance song.

3. Every Rose Has Its Thorn, Poison
- One of the literally thousands of ballads to come out after Gn'R made it fashionable with "Patience"; also, the genesis for one of the funniest lines in Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey.

4. Straight Up, Paula Abdul - I was a raging metalhead in the 80's, but I could still appreciate a catchy dance song. Nonetheless, this song annoyed the crap out of me.

5. Miss You Much, Janet Jackson - That's Ms. Jackson if your nasty (I know, different song, but I never pass up an opprtunity to use that line).

6. Cold Hearted, Paula Abdul - See #4, but omit the "catchy dance song" part.

7. Wind Beneath My Wings, Bette Midler - The lyrical equivalent of diabetic shock.

8. Girl You Know Its True, Milli Vanilli - Apparently, it wasn't true.

9. Baby, I Love Your Way/Freebird, Will To Power - So, at what point did mixing a Frampton song with a Skynyrd song sound like a good idea?

10. Giving You The Best That I Got, Anita Baker - Apparently, she didn't give me the best she had because I don't remember this one.

11. Right Here Waiting, Richard Marx - The first man to mix a 'fro with a mullet (the 'frullet!). Frightening.

12. Waiting For A Star To Fall, Boy Meets Girl - Never heard this one.

13. Lost In Your Eyes, Debbie Gibson - Ugh...see #7.

14. Don't Wanna Lose You, Gloria Estefan - Could you at least try?

15. Heaven, Warrant - Another schmaltzy metal ballad. Not as bad as some.

16. Girl I'm Gonna Miss You, Milli Vanilli
- I'm not gonna miss you, Milli Vanilli.

17. The Look, Roxette - Crumbs...can we please ban future Swedish import bands?

18. She Drives Me Crazy, Fine Young Cannibals - I really liked this one. Just quirky enough to suit my tastes.

19. On Our Own, Bobby Brown - Haven't heard this one, either.

20. Two Hearts, Phil Collins - Man, Phil - what happened to you?

21. Blame It On The Rain, Milli Vanilli - Wow...'89 was a sucky year for music.

22. Listen To Your Heart, Roxette - Listen to me - don't encourage any more Swedish pop bands.

23. I'll Be There For You, Bon Jovi - A great song from a band that knew how to put out fun music.

24. If You Don't Know Me By Now, Simply Red - Mick Hucknail gave me the willies.

25. Like A Prayer, Madonna - So did Madonna.

26. I'll Be Loving You (Forever), New Kids On The Block - Gag!

27. How Can I Fall?, Breathe - Easy. Step one - trip. Let gravity do the rest.

28. Baby Don't Forget My Number, Milli Vanilli - Geez, they put out a lot of crap in a short time.

29. Toy Solider, Martika - I remember hearing of the song, but I don't think I ever actually heard it.

30. Forever Your Girl, Paula Abdul - Please. Shoot me. Now.

31. The Living Years, Mike and the Mechanics - Whereas Phil Collins was putting out dreck like #20, Mike Rutherford of Genesis actually put out some great songs with his side project.

32. Eternal Flame, The Bangles - I liked the Bangles (Susanna Hoffs was certainly easy on the eyes), but I was sick of this song about five minutes after it came out.

33. Wild Thing, Tone Loc - I was insensed when I heard Jamie's Cryin' by Van Halen being sampled. Eventually, though, the song grew on me.

34. When I See You Smile, Bad English - Bad English = Bad Idea.

35. If I Could Turn Back Time, Cher - If I could turn back time, I pummel whomever thought putting Cher in a thong was a good idea.

36. Buffalo Stance, Neneh Cherry - I could take it or leave it.

37. When I'm With You, Sheriff - For some reason, I think I remember this song. But then again, I don't.

38. Don't Rush Me, Taylor Dayne - The only rushing I did whenever Taylor ane came on the TV was to turn the channel.

39. Born To Be My Baby, Bon Jovi - Another great Bon Jovi tune.

40. Good Thing, Fine Young Cannibals - I like this one a wee bit less than She Drives Me Crazy, but it was still listenable.

41. The Lover In Me, Sheena Easton - She made a song in '89?

42. Bust A Move, Young M.C.
- I fought & fought & fought liking this one. I finally gave in. One of my favorite late 80's rap songs.

43. Once Bitten, Twice Shy, Great White - Such a fun song! When I was stationed in Mississippi & terribly homesick, this song helped me through the blues.

44. Batdance, Prince - Sorry, Prince, but Danny Elfman made the only decent Batman soundtrack.

45. Rock On, Michael Damian - Bleah! I hate, hate, HATE this song.

46. Real Love, Jody Watley - No thanks, Jody.

47. Love Shack, B-52's - This song brings back fond memories of my last summer at home. Tiiiiiin roof - rusted!

48. Every Little Step, Bobby Brown - Another infectious dance ditty.

49. Hangin' Tough, New Kids On The Block - Cripes! I could not stand those guys. My sister, on the other hand, loved, loved, LOOOOVED them. I knew then something wasn't right with her.

50. My Heart Can't Tell You No, Rod Stewart - I think I remember this one. Shows how much I cared for it.

51. So Alive, Love and Rockets - This was such a great song. I hadn't heard much Bauhaus (except for what my friend Brett exposed me to), so I wasn't familiar with Daniel Ash, but it had a great groove & I could dance to it. OK, just kidding on the dancing part.

52. You Got It (The Right Stuff), New Kids On The Block - Have you figured out yet just how much I loathed these guys?

53. Armageddon It, Def Leppard - Sorry T & Amy, but I detested this song. I like older Def Leppard. Everything that came out after Rick Savage lost his arm sounded alike.

54. Satisfied, Richard Marx - The return of the 'frullet!

55. Express Yourself, Madonna - You suck! How's that for expressing myself, Madonna?

56. I Like It, Dino - No, I don't.

57. Soldier Of Love, Donny Osmond - Donny Osmond?

58. Sowing The Seeds Of Love, Tears For Fears - I was never a big TFF fans, but I did like this & Head Over Heels a lot.

59. Cherish, Madonna - Please, Madonna, go "reinvent" yourself - somewhere far away from me.

60. When The Children Cry, White Lion - Ugh...whiney metal ballad - the worst kind.

61. 18 And Life, Skid Row - Depressing song, but, lemme tell you - Skid Row RAWKED in concert!

62. I Don't Want Your Love, Duran Duran - The poster children for 80's stylistic rock.

63. Second Chances, .38 Special - Why don't I remember this one? I liked .38 Special.

64. The Way You Love Me, Karyn White
- Another one for the "Huh?" list.

65. Funky Cold Medina, Tone Loc - Yet another fun 80's rap song that grew on me.

66. In Your Room, Bangles - I'm trying to remember this one, but all I can see is Susanna Hoffs...

67. Miss You Like Crazy, Natalie Cole - I missed this one, evidentally.

68. Love Song, Cure - I was just starting to get into the Cure when Disitegration came out (thanks again, Brett). This song, though, just didn't do much for me.

69. Secret Rendevous, Karyn White - Who the frick is Karyn White? And why is she on this list so many times?

70. Angel Eyes, Jeff Healey Band - I'd probably go to hell if I made any smart remarks against a blind blues guitarist, so, I'll pass.

71. Patience, Guns N' Roses - Here it is, Ladies & Gents - the one that made it cool for metal guitarists to pick up a Takaminie & strum it like a folkie. Thanks a lot guys.

72. Walk On Water, Eddie Money - At least it's not "Take Me Home Tonight."

73. Cover Girl, New Kids On The Block - Wow...there's a lot of suckage on this list.

74. Welcome To The Jungle, Guns N' Roses - Um...this came out in '87, I believe. Still one of the hardest metal songs ever made.

75. Shower Me With Your Love, Surface - I'd rather not.

76. Stand, R.E.M. - I just recently picked up "Green" & was suprised at how great a record it was. And Stand isn't even the best song on it.

77. Close My Eyes Forever, Lita Ford - Lita Ford - every metalhead's dream woman.

78. All This Time, Tiffany - Tiffany - every metalhead's worst nightmare.

79. After All, Cher and Peter Cetera - I don't remember this one. I must've blotted it out of my memory.

80. Roni, Bobby Brown - This one, too.

81. Love In An Elevator, Aerosmith - An awesome song from an awesome record!

82. Lay Your Hands On Me, Bon Jovi
- OK, Bon Jovi - leave some room for others to get on the list.

83. This Promise, When In Rome - The only song that I remember from them. A true classic one hit wonder.

84. What I Am, Edie Brickell and The New Bohemians - Ack! The Popeye song (what I yam is what I yam...)! I'd rather listen to just about any other song on this list. To this day, I despise this song.

85. I Remember Holding You, Boys Club - But I don't remember you, Boys Club.

86. Paradise City, Guns N' Roses - A hard driving, rocking song. I still can't resist bangin' my head when I hear this one.

87. I Wanna Have Some Fun, Samantha Fox - How in the world did she get a recording deal?

88. She Wants To Dance With Me, Rick Astley - The white Luther Vandross.

89. Dreamin', Vanessa Williams - Remember Vanessa Williams' "Dreamin'?" Neither do I.

90. It's No Crime, Babyface - Yet another one that slipped under my radar. I was probably busy thinking about Susanna Hoffs.

91. Poison, Alice Cooper - One of my favorite records of the late 80's. I saw him in '91. He was still putting on a great show.

92. This Time I Know It's For Real, Donna Summer
- Are you sure, Donna?

93. Smooth Criminal, Michael Jackson - Yes, Michael, you certainly are.

94. Heaven Help Me, Deon Estus - Who?

95. Rock Wit'cha, Bobby Brown - No thanks, Bobby. You scare me.

96. Thinking Of You, Sa-fire - I can't say that I'm doing the same, Sa-Fire.

97. What You Don't Know, Expose - In this case, ignorance is bliss.

98. Surrender To Me, Ann Wilson and Robin Zander - Nope, can't recall this one.

99. The End Of The Innocence, Don Henley - An appropriate song for the end of my time as a student.

100. Keep On Movin', Soul II Soul - Another one hit wonder that I liked. I don't think they did anything after that.