Thursday, March 04, 2004

Eating things so you won't have to

Those of you that have been reading for awhile (all three of you) know that I have inflicted some pretty harsh punishment on my tongue & intestinal tract. There was the Squeeze Cheese. The tofu. Then, my personal favorite, the Baloney Taco. Tonight, though, Loyal Readers, I ingested something that I don't think was meant for consumption of any kind - human or otherwise.

What could possibly be worse than the Squeeze Cheese?

Ladies & Gentlemen, I present to you -


When I came in to work this morning, I found this innocent looking little can sitting on my desk. Irene had brought it in for me, as we had been talking about deviled ham & Vienna sausages the day before. It looked safe enough at the time, although my first clue to its true, vile nature should have been the ingredient label & the fact that you have to write in to the good folks at International Home Foods to get any nutritional information. The ingredients read as follows:

Mechanically separated chicken (that must've hurt), partially defatted cook pork fatty tissue (huh?), beef tripe (eww!), partially defatted beef fatty tissue (wha...?), vinegar, salt, spices, sugar, flavorings, sodium erythorbate & sodium nitrate

Why I did not turn & run when I read the ingredients, I do not know. Why I didn't listen to the voice in my head (probably my tongue) saying "These are not things that you should be putting in your mouth!", well, I couldn't tell you. Was it the idea of trying something new? Maybe. Was it the possibility of finding yet another cheap yet tasty food to add to the pantry? Possibly. Was it blatant stupidity on my part? Definitely.

I got home & decide to try out this canned culinary curiosity. I popped open the top & was greeted by a substance that for all intents & purposes could've been cat food. It had the color of an old Band-Aid, but the smell was not unlike a can of fine Vienna sausages, so I thought "It must be OK. Anything that smells good can't be all that bad." I prepared the bread with a generous slathering of mayonaise & mustard.

Then, things got nasty.

I put the knife into the can, expecting some resistance from the "meat." I found that the knife went clean through it. No resistance at all. It was exactly like trying to stab water. But the thing that simutaniously amazed & frightened me is that, when I tried to goad the stuff onto the bread, it had to be pushed out of the can. It wouldn't leave the can, but apparently had no solidity.

People - how can a substance be both solid & liquid at the same time?

I put the other piece of bread on top & the "meat" started oozing out the sides. No matter how hard I tried to contain the stuff, it would not quit seeping out. I then took my first bite. It wasn't too bad at first. And then -

Oh. My. Stars. And. Garters.

I could not get the stuff out of my mouth fast enough. All I could think was "By all that is Good & Holy, what have I done?!? I'm going to be sick!" I quickly grabbed a shopping bag & spit the offending mouthful out. I then placed the rest of the sandwiches (yes, there were two) in the bag & tied it off, all while trying to keep from gagging & not to let any of it come in contact with my skin.

I then tried to find anything to get the taste out of my mouth. As I write this now, a good hour after having nearly consumed this foul atrocity from the very kitchen of Hell, I still can't get the flavor out of my mouth. I can't begin to explain just what it tasted like. It was horrid. It defies description. The Squeeze Cheese was at least partly edible when mixed with chili. And the tofu, for all of its beanie weirdness, at least absorbs the flavor of what it's in. This stuff just got worse as I chewed.

I feel nauseous. You know that if something can make me feel ill that it must be bad. If it can make me gag, then for your sake, STAY AWAY FROM IT.

Ugh! Even reading the ingredients again made me queasy. Why do I do this to myself?

PS - Apparently, I'm not the only person to feel this way. There's potted meat a'plenty on Google.