Sunday, February 24, 2008

Phrases I Need To Learn In Spanish

When not dumbfounded by the antics of young Emerson or the several appearances of his mother’s whale tail, something else happened at the carwash Sunday that resulted in the epiphany found in the title of this here post.

Let me give you a little non-Emerson or whale tail related background; the whole reason for going to this particular vehicle de-dirting station was due to the fact that I had – a coupon! And not just any coupon, nosireebob! This was a coupon for the extra special wash/wax/hot wax/tire shine & air freshener spritz deal which usually costs about $15, all for the low, low price of $10.99 ($9.99 every day except Friday-Sunday). A pretty schweet deal at a business that I’ve always enjoyed patronizing.

All was going well with the wash (hell child & unsolicited thong appearances aside). The Cruiser was in & out of the wash cycle before The Boy & I knew it. Quick as a flash, our attendant was out drying, buffing & polishing nearly every inch of the car. With a tap of the horn & a twirl of his drying rag, we were soon to be on our way; but first, there was the issue of our non-existent air freshener. And the fact that our attendant spoke not a lick of English.

I take that back; he knew exactly one word that sounded sorta English-y.

The conversation went something like this:

Me: Um…did you add the air freshener?
Attendant, puzzled nodding: Yuh
Me: The air freshener – did you add it?
Attendant, uneasy nodding: Yuh?
Me: Is the air freshener just really mild? Because I can’t smell anything.
Attendant, panicked nodding: Yuh!

And with that, he ran off to get a translator, who told him to add the requested (& purchased) air freshener.

He returned with a squirt bottle full of liquefied new car scent & proceeded to liberally spray the floor mats of the Cruiser. Actually, “spray” would be a gross understatement.

“Drown” would be a more accurate description.

We tipped our monolingual friend & took off, soon realizing that a) the smell of the air freshener was one of the most noxious smells that I’ve not produced myself & b) we couldn’t roll the windows down without smearing them with water. Thus, we were forced to crank the a/c up in a vain attempt to blow fresh, non-new car scented air in our face & not pass out.

So, having survived Emerson & the thong monster & a chemical attack from a foreign national on my car, I’ve decided to create a list of helpful phrases in Spanish to carry around, just in case I come across another car wash employee armed with a Squirt Gun O’ Terror:

Where is the bathroom, please? ¿Dónde está el cuarto de baño, por favor?

May I please use your phone? ¿Puedo satisfacer uso su teléfono?

How much is my bail? ¿Cuánto es mi fianza?

Do you accept cash? ¿Usted acepta efectivo?

Would you accept my sister? She is a hard worker. ¿Usted aceptaría a mi hermana? Ella es trabajador duro.

Please only spray a little air freshener in my car. Pine scent, if you have it. Rocíe por favor solamente un poco ambientador del aire en mi coche. Olor del pino, si usted lo tiene.

Please cease the chemical weapons assault on my car! ¡Cese por favor el asalto químico de las armas en mi coche!

Where are the wookiee’s pants? (You never know) ¿Dónde están los pantalones de los wookiee?

Emerson! Open your ears! (Maybe Emerson only understood Spanish?) ¡Emerson! ¡Ábrase los oídos!

Ma’am, your thong is showing. La señora, su correa está demostrando.

Got any more, Loyal Readers?