Sunday, February 29, 2004

Yay! They work!

My apologies to Blogger for the multiple, machinegun posts.

All of the pix were taken by T on her trip out here last November. They were taken in the desert nearby.
...and one more...

Just fer good measure.

...and another test...

Just in case the first one was a fluke.

This is a test


Friday, February 27, 2004

Sorry Kiddies...

No Friday Five this week.

Maybe I'll put my cleverness to work & think up a few later. I'm running late & have something else on my mind right now.

Thursday, February 26, 2004

Lists - Because I like 'em

I'm bored & am listening to the same "classic" rock songs over & over again (you'd think that the only people who released albums in the 70's were Elton John, Lynyrd Skynyrd & Yes), so, I decided to make the best of both & come up with the

"MLCotW 10 Classic Rock Songs I Could Live Without Hearing (at least for awhile) List"

Here they are, in rough order, with suggested replacement songs:

10. Dream On, Aerosmith - Go ahead, label me a heretic. But I am so tired of this one. Don't get me wrong - it's a great song, a true classic. But, it's not the only Aerosmith song available. Almost any of their other "popular" songs are every bit as good, as well as a great many of the ones that never get any radioplay.
Replace with: Sick As A Dog, Lick & A Promise, Draw The Line or Chip Away The Stone

9. Roundabout, Yes - I'll admit, I've never been a huge fan of Yes. Not that they're horrible or anything (90215 is one of my favorite 80's albums). They just didn't do much for me, is all. But Roundabout has been played waaaay too many times. Give it a breather, Clear Channel. Maybe I'll be able to appreciate it a bit more when I haven't had to hear it ninety bajillion times.
Replace with: Owner Of A Lonely Heart or Changes

8. Renegade, Styx - I was a huge Styx fan growing up. My friend had almost all of their records & we'd listen to them nonstop. I still like them. But Renegade was one of my least favorite songs from one of my least favorite Styx records, Pieces Of Eight. It's not a horrible song. I mean, it does have a certain amount of good, crunchy rock to it. But, there are quite a few better songs in their library.
Replace with: The Best Of Times, Half Penny, Two Penny or Mademoiselle

7. Hollywood Nights, Bob Seger - Once upon a time, in, oh say, 1985, one of the local rock stations played what they called the Firecracker 400 on the Fourth of July weekend. This was comprised only of American rock artists. Bob Seger was played at least every third song. I quickly grew tired of Mr. Seger & have never really gotten over it. He's not bad, per se, but, I dunno...he's kind of like a plain hamburger - filling, but lacking that pizazz that only mustard & cheese bring. Hollywood Nights was one of my least favorite Bob Seger songs to begin with & the Seger saturation that I endured that summer weekend so many years ago didn't help its standing any.
Replace with: I dunno. I'm still not over being sick of him, so I can't think of a good replacement.

6. Sympathy For The Devil, The Rolling Stones - AKA The Woodsy the Owl Song. Not the worst song from their catalog, but the "woo hoo, woo hoo, etc." that goes on & on & on at the end of the song makes me want to drive ice picks into my ears.
Replace with: Respectable or Dance, Little Sister

5. Edge Of Seventeen, Stevie Nicks - I have never, from the first time I heard this song, liked it. I can't even figure out the words: "Just like the one winged dove/Sings a song/Sounds like she's singin'/Who, baby, who, said who?"


Does being an eclectic, New Age-y, witchy looking singer give one license to make songs that make no sense? Apparently it does.
Replace with: Fleetwood Mac's Sara, Hold Me or Tusk

4. Black Magic Woman, Santana - C'mon...did the guy only record two songs during all of the 70's? Besides, he's not the greatest guitar player I've ever heard. The popularity of Santana is kind of lost on me, I guess.
Replace with: Dead air

3. Blinded By The Light, Manfred Mann - Words fail to describe just how sick of this song I am. It's played at least once every three hours on the local station. I was sick of this song twenty years ago & I'm sick of it now.
Replace with: Static

2. Oye Como Va, Santana - Making their second appearance on the list. This song needs to be permanently retired. Really. Please. I am so sick of this song. Make it stop...
Replace with: Commercials

1. Crocodile Rock, Elton John - This, Loyal Readers, has got to be one of the most annoying songs ever unleashed upon the human race (right there next to that rendition of Jingle Bells sung by dogs that they always play around Christmas). Why radio stations insist upon playing it still is beyond me. Why I loved it when I was four years old, well...I was four, fer cryin' out loud!
Replace with: Almost anything by almost anyone!

Monday, February 23, 2004


Sometimes I feel pathetic.

Time Killer

The following questions were sent to me by a couple of friends (thanks Elly & Jess!). The instructions said to send it via email to everyone yadda, yadda. I figured that most of the people in my address book read this site anyway, so I posted 'em here.

Feel free to copy the questions to your own site. If you do, leave me a note in the comments box so I can check out what you wrote.


*Warning - It's frickin' long.

1. What color are your kitchen plates? Right now, I have one set of white with blue trim & another set of white with green & brown trim. Both sets from my first marriage & both sets scheduled to go to Goodwill when T gets out here.

2. What book are you reading now? I can't read. Why won't you people leave me alone!

3. What's on your mouse pad? I don't have a mouse pad (I've got one of those fancy schmancy optical meeses...Ooo! Ahh!).

4. Favorite magazine? Whatever happens to be in the doctor's waiting room (Highlights being a particular fave).

5. Favorite scents? The denominations with Washington, Kennedy & Eisenhower on them.

6. Least favorite smell? Patchuli oil.

7. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning? Where am I?

8. Favorite color? Green.

9. Least favorite? Least favorite what? Color? Beatle? Location to develop a flesh eating skin disease?

10. How many rings before you answer the phone? That depends - friend or foe?

11. Future child's name? Hmm...if it's a girl, I'd go for Robin (long story), but T's going for Cynthia Rose. And "Stop Doing That" if it's a boy. I figure that I'll probably be telling him that a lot, so I'd kill two birds with one stone.

12. Do you like to drive fast? Define fast.

13. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? No comment.

14. Do you like storms? Oh, yeah!

15. What type was your first car? A 1970 Plymouth Fury ("Christine"). A gigantic, four-door, oxidized green tankcar.

16. If you could meet one human, dead or alive, who would it be? The live one. Meeting a dead human would be kinda creepy.

17. Favorite Alcoholic drink? Ny-Quil.

18. What is your sign and your birthday? My sign - Do not harrass the bear. B-day - 10/14

19. Do you eat the stems of broccoli? Only after they've screamed sufficiently (Who thought up these questions?).

20. If you could have any job, what would it be? Millionaire.

21. If you could have any color hair, what would it be? I like my hair the way it is. I'm starting to get that cool, Mr. Fantastic, greying-around-the-temples look. Although I'm not as stretchy as he is. Yet.

22. Have you ever been in love? I currently am :)

23. Is the glass half full or half empty? Glug, glug, glug...totally empty.

24. Favorite movie(s)? Star Wars. Hi, my name is Jay & I'm a geek.

25. Do you type with your fingers on the right keys? Yup. I type with 'em on the left keys, too.

26. What's under your bed? Terrifying, unspeakable horrors! And a sock.

28. Favorite sport to watch? Hockey. Although, I still haven't figured out what "icing" is.

29. What is your single biggest fear? The return of disco.

30. Say one nice thing about the person who sent this to you. "One nice thing about the person who sent this to you." What was the point in that?

31. Person you sent this to who is most likely to respond? I didn't send it, so I guess I can't expect too many responses.

32. Person you sent this to who is least likely to respond? See #31.

33. For some reason #33 was missing, so we'll make this the "Make up your own question" question: Are you wearing pants right now? Currently - yes.

34. Favorite TV shows? One guilty pleasure that only a few people know about. And history-type shows.

35. Ketchup or Mustard? Mustard! It makes everything taste better. Or at least more mustardy. It's like sunshine in a squeeze bottle!

36. Hamburger or Hot-dog? Hamburger. As rare as leagally possible.

37. Favorite soft drink? Mountain Dew in the morning, Diet Pepsi in the afternoon when I start feeling guilty about the three cheeseburgers I had at lunch.

38. The best places you have ever been? Anyplace with T.

39. What screen saver is on your computer now? The Ramones.

Sunday, February 22, 2004

Ten Weeks

We've got about ten weeks left 'til the Big Day. It just can't get here quick enough. T's been away far too long.

For you there’ll be no crying
For you the sun will be shining
‘Cause I feel that when I’m with you
It’s alright, I know it’s right

And the songbirds keep singing
Like they know the score
And I love you, I love you, I love you
Like never before

To you, I would give the world
To you, I’d never be cold
‘Cause I feel that when I’m with you
It’s alright, I know it’s right

And the songbirds keep singing
Like they know the score
And I love you, I love you, I love you
Like never before

Like never before; like never before.

-Songbird, Eva Cassidy
The sky is cryin'

It's been raining since Thursday night. All day, every day. It's a nice change from the usual California weather, although soon I will get sick of it.

I needs my sunlight, people!

Friday, February 20, 2004

The Friday Five

Here you go, kiddies. Today's Friday Five:

When was the last time you...

1. ...went to the doctor? See previous post (Weren't you paying attention?)

2. ...went to the dentist? Uhh...I took The Boy there a few years ago. I think.

3. ...filled your gas tank? Tonight ($2 a freakin' gallon?)

4. enough sleep? Last night. I drempt about rattlesnakes the night before, so it wasn't too pleasant.

5. ...backed up your computer? It's on the To-Do list. Of course, it's been on the To-Do list for about three years now.
Landmines & Liquid Soap

I guess my diet is starting to catch up with me. Tuesday after lunch, my stomach started feeling a bit queasy. Perhaps my grease levels are at their max, I don't know. Anyway, I wasn't feeling well the rest of the evening & woke up the next morning feeling much the same. So, I called my doctor's office to try to get in that morning. After waiting on hold for an hour (I kid you not), I finally spoke to one of the admissions people. It went something like this:

Admin: What do you need to be seen for today?
Me: After lunch yesterday, my stomach started hurting. Now it's moving up to the top of my stomach, just under my ribcage. I'm worried that my gastrointestinal system is finally revolting against me after years of unhealthy eating & that it's going to take over my brain.
Admin: Let me see if we have any openings...I'm sorry, the only openings we have today are for acute problems. Yours is acute, but...
Me: ...but not a"cute" enough? Haaaaahahahahahaaaa...
Admin: *Ahem* Anyway, the soonest I can get you in is next Tuesday.
Me: Next Tuesday? I'll be dead by then. My stomach will have completely consumed me. I'm telling you, it's gunning for the top spot in my body!
Admin: I'm sorry, sir. You can try calling in tomorrow morning. We tell our patients to try calling in right at 7:30.
Me: I've been waiting on the phone for an hour. You mean to tell me that all this time that I've been stuck in Please Hold Hell has been wasted? I played - & lost - 17 straight games of solitaire for nothing?
Admin: Were you playing regular solitaire or Vegas style?
Me: Vegas style. I was down $274.
Admin: Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. Well, the only advice I can give you if you want to be seen today is to try the Urgent Care office.
Admin: And to stay away from Las Vegas.
Me: Gee, thanks...

So, I got myself dressed & headed down to the Urgent Care. I determined that if I went & there was a line out the door (not unusual), I'd just wait & call in to my regular doctor the next morning.

I got there &, amazingly, found a relatively close parking spot. When I got to the check-in, I found that they had renovated the office & took all of the seating out. So, I signed in on a slip of paper & handed it to the nurse. She walked away & then returned with a device that looked like a landmine. Or a coffee cup warmer. One of the two. Turned out that it was actually a pager. I was told that they would page me when they were ready for me. I asked where the waiting room seating was now located & she directed me down the hall & around a corner. Thus the need for the pager/mine/cup warmer. So, I headed to the waiting area. When I got there, I was greeted with the sight of about five other patients waiting. Now, there may have been more, but there were quite a few extra people that may have been family members. I didn't ask them, so I can't be positive.

I found myself a seat & some light reading material (the local edition of Lands & Home) & settled in for a bit of a wait. Unfortunately, there was a child there with a mother that apparently didn't seem to think anyone else minded hearing her child talk & scream as loud as possible. I minded. All I could hear was the kid yelling & the mother saying, very softly, "Don't do that" & calling her name - as if a three year old would respond to this.

My pager finally went off (or got ready to explode) & I went back to the check-in. They pointed me over to a nurse in a cubicle so they could take my vitals. I was able to get right back to the check-in station to pay my co-pay, which was convenient, otherwise, I would've had to have waited for them to page me again.

Unfortunately, I still had to go back to the waiting room. At this point, I'd been waiting for a little over two hours, which, sadly, was better than I thought it'd be. The last time I went to Urgent Care, I arrived at about one o'clock & left (the emergency room) at about nine o'clock.

I finally got called in to the examination area - & waited again. I think I read half of a Readers' Digest from last October while I was there. The doctor came in &, in this order & the time that it takes you to read this, introduced himself, asked what was wrong, poked me in the stomach & left. A bit later, he came back & told me that he was going to have me drink some concotion that would settle my stomach & numb it to ease the discomfort.

Shortly after that, a nurse brought in a cup of what looked to be green liquid hand soap. It had the same consistency. It even smelled like liquid soap. So, I braced myself & threw the cocktail back. I found out that it also tasted like hand soap. And to top it off, the numbing agent in the mix coated not only my stomach, but, of course, my throat & tongue. After a few minutes of forcing myself to swallow, I finally started to regain feeling. And, once again, Dr. Flash came in, looked at me & then sent me on my way.

It was now almost one o'clock & I was finally on my way.

All that & I didn't even get a lollipop.

Wednesday, February 18, 2004


I'm getting a bit bored with the look of MLCotW. Methinks it's time for some redesignin'.

Let me see what damage I can do.

Monday, February 16, 2004

I'm always the last to know

Ken & Barbie call it quits after 43 years.

She's getting the townhouse & the 'Vette & he's getting the RV, I've heard.
I work in frickin' "Office Space"

* Note - I had actually written about this on Friday, but"accidentally" killed my computer & the main license printer at work & lost the original post. D'oh! *

I work in "Office Space." Or a "Dilbert" comic.

How do I know this, you ask?

Why, because Friday was - CRAZY HAT DAY! (Insert wacky music & sound effects here)

Yeah. Crazy. Hat. Day.

Here's an idea I have for a theme day:


Hey, there's already UNIVERSAL IRRITATE THE CRAP OUT OF JAY Day. It could be huge.
Oh, and...

MLCotW has finally hit the 1000+ mark.

Thanks, Loyal Readers, for making this one of your stops in cyberspace.

So, yesterday, The Boy & I decided to go to the high school, shoot some hoops & make a few rounds of the track. Well, the hills behind the school have been calling to me lately. Calling me to climb them & romp & frolic amongst the weeds. I finally gave in.

After we had done the aforementioned hoop shooting & rounding of the track, we decided to try to climb to one of the trails on the hill. That was easier said than done, especially since we had a basketball & his bike. We walked around the school & finally found a trail going up to the field behind the FFA area. The adventurer in me took charge & I trudged up the narrow trail with The Boys bike pushing through the weeds that reached across the path. Unfortunately, for The Boy, when I would push through the weeds, they would whip behind me & hit him in the face.

We reached a clearing at the top of the path, behind the new houses, & found that if we were going to get to the trail above, we'd have to leave the bike & ball & jump a shallow drainage ditch. I didn't want to leave the things, so we headed back down the trail. The Boy got on his bike & started coasting down.

Now, I used to do this stuff all the time. Before "extreme mountainbiking" was a fad, my best frind & I were hauling our bikes up the sides of hills & careening back down, trying not do kill ourselves. No helmets. No pads. It's a wonder I'm alive today. The Boy, on the other hand, had never done this before.

Before I knew it, he was flying down the trail & all I could hear was his saying "Ohshootohshootohshoot!" as he rode into one of the scrub bushes. When I got to him I couldn't stop laughing. He was alright, having managed to get off the bike without crashing. He had taken out one of the bushes & had a bunch of twigs & sticks stuck in his spokes, but he was none the worse for his harrowing experience.

The Boy's going to have so much to tell his therapist about one day.

Friday, February 13, 2004

Just under the wire

This weeks Friday Five. Enjoy!

1. Are you superstitious?
Nope. A little obsessive/compulsive, though. Which is kind of the same, just more annoying.

2. What extremes have you heard of someone going to in the name of superstition?
Atheletes who wear the same socks, unwashed, for the whole season. That's just nassy, people!

3. Believer or not, what's your favorite superstition?
The lucky rabbits foot. Obviously, it wasn't very lucky for the rabbit.

4. Do you believe in luck? If yes, do you have a lucky number/article of clothing/ritual?
I don't believe in luck. I do, however, keep little knick knacks & whatnot that remind me of people or things. For instance, I keep an Arkansas quarter in my left pocket all the time (OK everybody - Awwwww!).

5. Do you believe in astrology? Why or why not?
I don't believe in astrology, mainly because of my faith, but also because I don't believe that the stars have much to do with guiding my life.

Here's a question for you - do you think that the famous astrologer Jean Dixon was surprised when she died? "Whoa! Didn't see that one coming..."

Thursday, February 12, 2004

Bad mood

I'm in a particularly foul mood this evening. Tired. Tense.

I need a vacation. *Sigh*

Is it May yet?!?

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

Why? Why? Why?

Why can I not seem to get through to The Boy? Once more, he had a bad report from his teacher, making me have to cancel the plans we had for the weekend. Nothing seems to get through to him.


Saturday, February 07, 2004

Food That Makes People Question My Sanity

The Baloney Taco.

Yep, you read that right - Baloney Taco, invented today by yours truly because I didn't feel like getting all of the makings for a sandwich out.

Sliced Baloney
BBQ Chips

Apply mustard to slice of baloney, to taste. Add BBQ chips. Fold like a taco, being careful not to squish mustard out the back. Enjoy!

The Boy actually tried one, after a little cajoling from me. He wasn't as enthused about the end result. I told him that one day he'll be living in his college dorm with half a pack of baloney, a bottle of mustard & a bag of BBQ chips from the vending macine down the hall & he'll thank me for showing him this culinary treat.

Trust me. I once lived off of Dr Pepper & Oreos.
It's over

It finally happened today. I knew it was coming. I guess I was in a bit of denial. I just didn't want to believe it, even though all the signs were there.

We had a good time together while it lasted. I remember the first time I laid eyes on her. Beautiful is not even an adequate word to describe what I saw. And for the short time that I woke in the morning to see just made the world seem so much better. But, I guess all good things must come to an end.

Yes, Loyal Readers...

I finally took the Christmas tree down. *sniff*

I'll be OK...really. There's always next season.

What did you think I was talking about?

Friday, February 06, 2004

The Friday Five

Here you go, boys & girls - this weeks Friday Five:

1. What's the most daring thing you've ever done?
Hmm...just getting on the freeways in So Cal is pretty daring.

2. What one thing would you like to try that your mother/friend/significant other would never approve of?
Sky diving. It's not so much that T doesn't approve - just that she'll be on the ground, nice & safe, waiting for me.

3. On a scale of 1-10, what's your risk factor? (1=never take risks, 10=it's a lifestyle)
I'm pretty boring. Probably a 3.

4. What's the best thing that's ever happened to you as a result of being bold/risky?
I met T (you expected something else?).

5. ... and what's the worst?
I suppose the worst thing would be to fail & look bad. But, hey - better to have tried & failed than to have not tried at all.

Or so I'm told.

Thursday, February 05, 2004

Another "Food of Questionable Edibility"

Tofu. Today I was introduced to tofu.

I thought the Squeeze Cheese was bad. Tofu takes the cheese to school, Loyal Readers.

Wednesday, February 04, 2004


But they're still not working right!

Wham! Wham! Wham! (Sound of my head repeatedly hitting the desk)
Well, lookee there!

I finally got the comments working again. Nuthin' fancy, but it'll do.

Comment away, Loyal Readers!

* sigh *

I miss T.

Gotta get that time machine working soon.

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

T-Minus Three Months & Counting

Three months. Three months! I was reminded today by Blonde In The Corner that I only have three months of singleness left. It doesn't seem possible that the Big Day is almost here. Back in October, when I proposed to T, back in August & September, when I knew I wanted to ask her to marry me, May seemed
like a lifetime away. Looking back, it seems to have sped on by. But when I look ahead to these next few months, it still seems so far away. It just can't seem to get here soon enough.

It's been about three months since I last saw T. Three months since I had to take her back to the airport & watch her leave. That day, I was not a happy Jay. That was the last time I was able to touch her & hold
her close to me. The last time I felt complete. I know that we've got the rest of our lives together. I just wish the rest of our lives would hurry up & get started.

I miss her like I've never missed anyone before. I want to be near her, epecially now. The time is just taking so long. It feels like I've been under water too long & am swimming to the surface. I feel like I can't get there fast enough. Just as my lungs would ache for a breath of air, my heart aches to be with her.

So much has been done, but there's still a lot left to take care of. We've got the rings. T's got her dress & many of the decorations for the church. The Boy & I are getting fitted for our suits. But we're still trying to figure out the logistics of getting her stuff out here & looking for a job for her & a plethora of other things.

It's all going to be worth it, though. In a few months, I'll finally have my best friend with me. I'll be by her side. We'll finally be together, after having spend the first part of our lives apart, waiting for each other.

* sigh *

Is it April yet?
The Neverending Meme

I found this over at Amy's, & she found it somewhere & they found it...etc. If you feel so inclined, copy the list to your blog, bold text the things you have in common with me & replace the rest with something about you. Ping me with your results. It's just that easy!

Here we go...

I love banana flavored baby food.
Music stores are my favorite places to shop.
I drink way too much soda.
I love my Magic 8-Ball pen.
I love pet rats. Get over yerselves!
I love it when I get some free time, with absolutely no obligation other than sitting and being alone in my own thoughts.
I like making lists.
I love to eat pizza.
I don't wear much makeup. Really...I don't.
I wear no jewelry.
I have glasses, but prefer my contacts.
I can't stand the smell of most perfumes.
I am an older sibling.
I have never been to china.
I like to sing in the car.
I cannot spell "crocheter." Is that even a real word?
I often forget to take my vitamins.
I own more comic books than I have bookshelves to put them on.
I still dig 80s hair bands.
I wash my hands often.
I love my family.
I work in a different town than which I live.
I love oil lamps.
I can sew buttons. They just don't stay on.
I love to read.
I like my drawing books.
I will kick the person next to me, just because.
I have very dry skin on the outside of my body.
I enjoy being lazy.
I would enjoy a vacation to someplace warm.
I haven't seen my natural hair color since I was a teenager. Well, more since my early 20's when the white started showing up.
I am planning a trip to Arkansas.
I get to go home in 3 hours & 15 minutes.
I need to exercise more.
I own 3 pairs of shoes & my combat boots.
I loathe reality shows.
I have five email accounts...all with different passwords.
I would like to lose my ex in the woods.
I already found Ms. Right.
I love to eat.
I prefer the West Coast.
I am in love with T (oh, like you didn't see that one coming)
I don't go to the doctor as often as I should.
I ignore all of the people in my office.
I wear contacts.
I have very strange dreams most nights.
I watch The Simpsons & have memorized waaaay too many lines from the show.
I have worked for the same company for over five years.
I want to go back to Knott's Berry Farm.
I do not have a sock-buying fetish...I can't remember the last time I bought my own.
I hope I get a raise this year!

What have I done?

I've become hooked on the local .99 cent store. It's the worst possible place for an impulse shopper to go to, though. I have to drag myself out before I end up buying a ton of Vienna sausages or a dozen pairs of sunglasses & eight wall calendars. Seriously. Eight calendars. Every time I go.

I had been in the store one day & noticed that the little old lady in front of me was purchasing gallons of squeezable cheese. Literally. A while later, I was hungry for nachos. I don't know why. Subliminal messages from the Government? Aliens? It is possible - after all, I wasn't wearing my Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie. Regardless of the origin of my nachos jonesing, I found myself back at the .99 cent store, with a bag of tortilla chips, a can of chili with a faded label (I'm hoping it was chili - they do sell Alpo there, too) & a bottle of nacho cheese flavored squeeze cheese. I resisted the urge to grab two bottles of the cheese & was grateful for that rare display of willpower later.

I got home, mouth watering in anticipation of the Mexican delicacy that I was about to partake of. I should've known something wasn't right when I removed the safety foil. I looked into the bottle, anticipating seeing a creamy, cheesy, artery clogging delight. Instead, I was greeted with by the sight of a substance with the consistency of bathtub caulking. Yellowy-orange bathtub caulking. With flecks of green & red. I was concerned, at this point, that I may have accidentally picked up the wrong bottle. I placed the squeeze top back on the bottle & put some of this substance of questionable edibility into a cup so that I could warm it up. I
thought that a little microwave action might make it a little softer.

Now, let me tell you a little something about me - I have a cast iron stomach & can stand a pretty high degree of grossness without getting queasy. And I'll eat just about anything. This is no exaggeration.

This stuff, however, put my intestinal fortitude to the test.

I squeezed the bottle. And squeezed the bottle. An shook the bottle. And squeezed the bottle again. Finally, the cheese started oozing out. What it looked like, Loyal Reader, was not something you'd want to put in your mouth. I'll not go into a description of what went through my mind, other than that I kept thinking "Oh my goodness, I'm going to be sick!"

My desire for nachos overrode my gag reflex, though. I mixed the cheese with a spoon, trying to make it look more appetizing. This, unfortunately, stirred up the smell of the cheese. This did not help matters. A glob of the cheese stuck to the spoon & I was unsure of how to get it into the cup without touching it. I tried shaking the spoon into the cup, tapping it on the rim, but no matter how hard I tried, the cheese/caulk mixture would not release it's grip on the spoon. My only other options were to scrape the concoction into the cup with my finger or to just lick the spoon off. The thought of consuming this stuff without irradiating it first was not a pleasant one. And, not wanting to touch it made scraping the spoon off less than desirable. But, I figured I could at least bleach my finger if I touched it. So, I commenced to trying to force the quickly hardening mixture into the cup, all the while holding my breath so as not to inhale any of the noxious fumes coming out of the cup.

I finally got the stuff into the microwave, still fighting the urge to gag & seriously thinking of just having chili & tortilla chips. But my hunger for nachos & a hope (misguided as it was) that the cheese would improve after I warmed it up kept my from discarding the dairy based horror that was currently being nuked. Oh, the things I'll do when I set my mind to something. Finally, it finished cooking. I took the cup from the microwave & attempted to pour it over the chili & chips. Note that I said "attempted." When I tilted the cup, the cheese would not budge. I kid you not, I think it actually crawled further back into the cup. What I feared would happen seemed to come true - I had inadvertently given the squeeze cheese/caulking compound sentiency by filling it with radiation. It was exhibiting signs of self-preservation!

I prodded the now self-aware cheese thing out of the cup & onto the chili & chips (I think it screamed at me at one point). It seemed that for every scoop that I took out of the cup two replaced it. Now, not only was it refusing to come out of the cup, it was also regenerating! I had a full blown Fifties B-grade horror flick in a coffee cup. At this point, I definitely did not want it to touch me.

Like in most Fifties sci-fi movies, something ended up killing the cheese/caulkmonster (I hoped). I don't know if it was exposure to th air or the chili or the fact that I'd stabbed it with the spoon a couple hundred times, but the thing quit moving & regenerating itself. I mixed the cheese/caulk-a-ma-jigger with the chili & started eating it. Amazingly, the chili managed to mask the cheese flavor. Unfortunately, there ended up being more cheese than chili, so I was left with a few globs of that foul stuff on my plate. I ate a bite or two of it with just a chip, but had to wash the rest down the sink. Even now, it may be mutating in the sewers of Yucaipa, biding it's time & regenerating until it's grown big enough to consume the whole city, making its way down into the valley, eating everything in its path! Oh my stars & garters...WHAT HAVE I UNLEASHED UPON THE WORLD?!?!?


So, the moral to this little story, Loyal Reader?

Just because something's only .99 cents, it doesn't mean it's a good idea to eat it.