Wednesday, January 23, 2008

The One Eyed Man In The Land Of The Blind

I’ve just started my second semester in school.

What? I never told you? Yup, I’ve gone back to school to get me some learnin’ & a proper ejumacation.

Anyway, last semester, being my first time back in 10 years, I took one class – Speech. I find it funny that I’m working toward a Bachelor’s degree in Computer Programming so that I don’t have to deal with people as much as I do now & the first class that I took toward the goal was one that required me to stand up in front of 30 strangers & regale them with my thoughts on b-movies, why Star Wars is better than Star Trek & a recounting of the horror that was my first camping trip.

Got an A in the class, though. Go me!

The classes that I need to take really aren’t that hard. I’ve already got a few under my belt & my Air Force basic training covers any PE requirements, thank goodness. All I need to do is take a few more general ed classes & then I can move on to the local university & knock out a few more computer courses. The only problem is that, due to a defective math gene, I have to start out in the bonehead math class & work my way up through just under a dozen more math classes to calculus.

Oh joy.

So, my plan of attack is to take at least two classes per semester: one that I’ll (hopefully) enjoy & a math class. My hope is that I can get a better grasp of math in college & jump past some of the classes that the school deems necessary. If I follow this plan, I should have my degree just before my 87th birthday.

But, I’ll have a degree, doggoneit!

This semester, I signed up for a history telecourse (gonna see if I can buckle down & follow a class that’s televised & has only 5 meetings) & bonehead math. I’m finding the math class to be a bit difficult, but not in the ways that you might be thinking. The things we’ve been going over are very, very, very, very basic. No, the problems I’m having are a) the instructor’s from Russia & has a very pronounced, Natasha of “Boris & Natasha” fame, accent (if she ever calls someone “Dah-link” or says “Moose & Squirrel,” I think I might die laughing) & b) the class is populated with idiots.

I’m not kidding.

I didn’t think anyone could be worse at math than me. I think it’s more than just that they have a hard time with numbers – I’m surprised that some of these people can blink without instruction. And I mean just one eye at a time – I think their brains would explode if they tried the extremely difficult “Double Blink.” I’m pretty sure that most of the class would have great difficulty counting to 5, even if they were allowed to take their shoes off to quadruple their personal computing power. Granted, the instructor’s teaching method is a bit hard to follow at times, but, so far, we’ve studied basic addition, subtraction & multiplication - things that even I have a firm grasp on. Based on the reactions & questions posited by some of my classmates, you’d think she was teaching Advanced Hyperdrive Mechanics in Huttese. They have a hard time grasping the simple concept of shutting up & taking notes. Or just sitting & listening to the lesson. I am quite literally surrounded by morons. Not just dim bulbs, mind you – no, that would be merely annoying. I’m talking Grade A, 100%, glassy-eyed, slack-jawed, mouth breathers that make me want to do horrendous things to houseplants & barnyard animals.

I swear, if my next course isn’t License Plate Making 101 in San Quentin, it’ll be a miracle.