Monday, January 05, 2004

The Cydonian Gazette

Object Falls From Sky; Locals Alarmed; Government Sticks With Weather Satellite Explanation

GUSEV CRATER, EQUATORIAL MARS (AMP) – Local residents flooded authorities with reports of an object seen falling from the sky near Gusev Crater. “I saw a bright streak in the sky,” said farmer Gleeb Zyz, “It hit the ground & then bounced for about a mile, I reckon, out near the trailer park on Outer Highway Blzyx.”

Military officials quickly cordoned off the area around the Crater. The government released a statement saying that the object seen was a downed Martian weather satellite & has asked for citizens to stay out of the area while they clean up the debris. “There is nothing to be concerned about. Not a thing. It’s not like it’s an alien craft…uh, I mean…um…is this thing on?” said Yzzx City mayor Jorb Floob, shortly before he was whisked away by several men in black suits.

There has been an increase in recent years of the claims of sightings of strange things in the skies above Mars. Five years ago, many Martians reported seeing another object crash into the planet. Government officials assured the public that the explosion was nothing more than swamp gas. Other reports of a craft landing & a small vehicle driving around were dismissed as “the wild imagination of a bar patron who had downed one too many Venusian Sunsets.”

The sightings began about 30 years ago, with citizens claiming that there were alien spacecraft orbiting the planet & spying on them. A claim was also made around that time of a craft making a landing on Martian soil. The government assured the public that it, too, was a weather balloon that had crash landed, but conspiracy theories have stated that it was actually a landing craft from the nearby planet Earth, long thought by those on the fringe as possibly harboring life. Martian scientists have maintained that the possibility of finding intelligent life on Mars’ nearest celestial neighbor is remote at best. According to Martian Aeronautics & Space Administration (MASA) researcher Blorp Tyxz “Earth is just not a planet conducive to supporting life. Its high levels of nitrogen in its atmosphere & other, apparently naturally occurring pollutants, make it quite inhospitable for any kind of life. And with that large hole in it’s ozone layer, well…I just think it would be foolish to think that anything could survive & achieve any semblance of intelligence, much less send a spaceship to Mars.”

Others aren’t so skeptical. “I was watching my favorite show one night,” said Blyzx Trailer Park manager Qlld Xrgt, “when all of a sudden, the picture started getting’ all wavy-like & some frightening looking creature that kept yellin’ ‘riiiikie…waaaaa’ & another one that kept sayin’ ‘rooocie, joo got some splainin’ too dooo’ showed up on the set. I tell you, it scared the livin’ shplork outta me!”