Jay’s Excellent Adventure

OK, I think I’ve got the notes from the first part of my trip together enough to commit to the ‘net. Here, for your consideration, is a rundown of my little trip.

The Adventure Begins – 10/2/03

Well, loyal readers, here I am at Ontario International Airport, ready to take off into the wild blue yonder. Checking in was much less complicated than I thought it would be (except for having to remove my boots – lousy shoe bomber). The terminal is starting to fill in & Milt McGiffin is repeatedly being paged to Gate 404. When I got to the waiting area at my gate it was fairly empty. I went to use the facilities & when I came back there had been a population explosion that rivaled some third world nations. Without the flies.

I’m sitting next to an older woman in a purple track suit who’s chewing spearmint gum. Couple that with the smell of my pre-meeting-T breath mint in my front pocket & it’s quite an assault on the olfactory senses. A minty fresh assault, but an assault none the less.

Southwest Flight #162 is now boarding. My purple tracksuited Double Mint Twin is apparently on the flight, so I will soon be left with just my own pepperminty freshness to keep me company.

* * *

Ugh! If I ever get to the point in life where matching top & bottom sets or black socks & Bermuda shorts become the fashion statement that I want to make – shoot me. Please. Really.

* * *

Sign over the America West gate:

…Flight departs 7:00am…Volunteers needed…

I guess that’s one way to cut costs.

* * *

OK, I’m officially on the plane, all snug in my seat. Let’s get this crate off the ground, people! I’ve got places to get to!

* * *

Engines firing up…taxing down the runway.

Up, up & awaaaaaaay!

* * *

I forgot just how beautiful the world is from up here. Ontario was a bit foggy, but once we got above it all, it was breathtaking, seeing the tip tops of the mountains peeking through a sea of poofy white cotton.

* * *

553 mph! Flying rocks!

* * *

Flying through turbulence is not helpful when trying to write (you’d have to see my note pad to understand).

* * *

“Our in-flight movies today are ‘Castaway’ & ‘Airport ’77.’ Enjoy!”

I wish.

Instead, I’m being subjected to “Legally Blonde.” The only thing that would make this movie better would be for the plane to hit a mountain.

Oh, the humanity!

* * *

The movie’s not so bad with The Pretenders & Iggy Pop playing on the CD player.

OK, it still is.

* * *

Can’t…stop…looking…at…movie.

I think I’m actually getting stupider.

Where’s that mountain?

* * *

Brain…melting * drool *

* * *

Ah, the food cart!

Breakfast – 1 banana, 1 Dr Pepper.

The breakfast of champions, my friends.

* * *

Perhaps drinking a Dr Pepper in a giant flying cigar tube at 30,000 feet wasn’t one of my finer ideas.

More to the point, perhaps slamming said Dr Pepper was not such a hot idea.

* * *

I’m looking out of the window & I have no idea where I am. There’s just dirt & hills. & I don’t care!

Ahh, vacation!

* * *

I’ve returned from the rear facility without being sucked out of the plane, although there was a disturbingly noticeable change in air pressure when I flushed.

Oh, & if anyone tries to tell you that they joined the “Mile High Club” in the bathroom of a 737 – they’re full of it. There’s barely enough room to turn around, let alone get your groove on.

* * *

I kid you not, there is a line from the restroom clear back to my aisle. Must’ve been something in the Corn Flakes they served for breakfast.

* * *

ETA 36 minutes.

We’re flying over Texas.

“The stars at night,
are big & bright!
Deep inna heart of Texas!”

* * *

I was just sat on.

* * *

Houston has the largest frickin’ airport in the world. I am finally onboard my last flight on the way to T. I have just completed a 12 mile death march from terminal A to terminal ZZZ. I thought I’d never get here. I figured they’d find me one day, wandering about the pilots lounge, living off of stale peanuts & leftover martini’s.

I am seated in the very last row of an incredibly small jet. I thought maybe I was going to find my seat out on the tail of the plane. Oh well, let’s just get going people! Time’s a’wastin’!

* * *

Here we gooooooo…

* * *

Houston has a lot of trees. Never knew that. Now I do.

* * *

It’s hard to believe – I’m less than an hour away from meeting the love of my life. One little hour from being able to finally hold her; from being able to see her right in fromnt of me.

* * *

20 minutes! Weeeeeeee haaaaaaaaaw!

* * *

OK, people – out of the way! Move! Move! Move!

* * *

Could they make this terminal any longer?

* * *

Oh wow. Wowowowowow…

There she is…

* * *

More later...