Classifieds

Submitted for your approval & just in time for Halloween:

The classified section from the Elm Street Gazette (thanks to T for the original inspiration & to Kevin & Tim for helping me run with it)

Services Offered: Holes in walls to 4th dimension patched. Call for estimates. Ask for Rod.

For Sale: The house of your dreams! Spacious country house on busy interstate. Large yard with plenty of room for children & pets. Adjacent to charming pet semetary & Indian burial ground. Seller will put up fence. Listed by Castle Rock 21st Century. Ask for Steve.

For Sale: "L'il Einstein" chemistry & biology set. Most pieces intact. $25 or trade for new Tesla Coil. Ask for Vic or Iggy.

For Sale: Small Tiki doll with spear. Owner desperate to sell.

Wanted: Winter caretaker for luxury hotel in Colorado. Family members welcome. Drug & alcohol pre-screening required.

Free To Good Home: 3 year old Saint Bernard. Good with kids. Has had all shots.

For Sale: "Leather" face mask. Great condition. Must see to appreciate. Perfect for Halloween. Scare your friends. Scare complete strangers who show up at your creepy house in mid-Texas. $25 OBO. Large Chainsaw. Used but still runs great. Cuts through anything. $45 OBO

House For Sale: Large 2-story, 4 Bedroom house built on Indian burial ground. Backyard includes swimming pool & large man-eating tree. House includes a free television, clown, tiny high-voiced psychic woman. Easy access to schools, shopping, and 4th dimension. Ask for Craig T. Nelson.

For Sale or Trade: Used William Shatner Halloween mask. Stained. $4.50. Used machete. Needs sharpening. $6. Will sell both for $9. Ask for Mike.

For Rent: Quaint cabin location at Crystal Lake. All utilities included. Handyman on duty, will take care of chopping down trees and teenagers. Slow mover, but get's the job done. Ask for Jason.

For Sale: Slightly used fingerblade glove, in good condition. Good for hedge trimming, grout cleaning & hacking teenagers to death in their dreams. $15 OBO. Call ELM-2853, ask for Fred.

For Sale: Good Guy doll named Chucky that's possessed by the spirit of a Satanic psycho killer. Chucky is alive, cannot be killed, and has tried to kill my whole family. Asking $30, OBO. Shipping & handling is included. Act now, and I'll throw in a "Talky Tina" doll. Caution, you better be nice to her.

Room For Rent: Private house. Large kitchen, living area & large hole in basement w/ garden hose & bucket for lowering items (i.e. food, lotion, etc.). Must like small dogs & insects. Owner works at home as making "suits." Ask for Jamie Gumb.

For Sale: Ventriloquist doll named "Corky." Realistically moveable facial features. Able to hold items in hand such as flowers, knives, etc. Extremely lifelike.
Also available, ventriloquist doll named "Willy." Sits on your knee, tells jokes, laughs, and can get out of a trunk by itself. Comes with a damaged doll named "Wally."

For Sale: Fixer upper in need of TLC. 3 story, 8 bedroom + den, detached garage. Fireplace. Laboratory in basement. 1313 Mockingbird Lane.

For Sale: "Rubik's Cube" style box. Origin unknown. Ask for "Pinhead"

For Sale: 1958 Plymouth Fury. Excellent condition. Low miles. Owner has maintenance records.