Friday, September 19, 2003

Blogging in 11 ½ easy steps

I think the 9/11 post drained my creativity. I haven’t been able to think of anything terribly interesting to write about. Now I know why so many blogs tank after 6 months. This is hard work. Oh, I know I make it look so easy, but, believe you me, a lot goes on before a post is created. Here, loyal readers, is a rundown of the creation of a blog post.

Step 1 – Get to work
Work is where I do most of my writing. Gotta do something to look busy. Besides, writing letters to celebrities & signing Kevin & Tim’s names to them only takes up a small part of my day.

Step 2 – Think up something witty & amusing or deep & thought-provoking
Easier said than done. Checking the day’s headlines helps, but then you end up becoming an editorial site. Writing about personal experiences can get…well…personal. The easiest topic? Retarded drivers. There’s an abundance of them out there, so they’re easy pickins’ for being written about.

Step 3 – Start writing
Because, y’know, it makes it easier to read when there are actual letters on the page.

Step 4 - In a pinch – link
OK, technically, this isn’t a step. Think of it as a helpful hint. Links help take the pressure of actually writing something interesting off of you. Why cramp your own brain when you can get Angle-Grinder Man or the folks at the Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie site to entertain readers for you?

Step 4.5 – Reprint old post
Again, a helpful hint.

Step 4.5 – Reprint old post
Again, a helpful hint.


Step 5 – Proofread
It’s not that hard, people. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen “your” instead of “you’re” & the various spellings of “there” used incorrectly. C’mon – it’s not that hard to check for spelling erors…errors. !@#$

Step 6 – Upload post to your site
Copy. Paste. Swear under your breath when you accidentally release the left mouse button before you finish highlighting the text. Copy. Paste. Swear a little more when you find that you still only copied half of the text. Copy. Paste. Vow to hunt down the person responsible for making your mouse & strangle them with the cable. COPY. PASTE. Swear out loud when the computer locks up or your connection gets dropped. Write manifesto about how technology is the devil’s tool & move to 6x10 cabin in Montana. Sell all possessions; invest in hooded sweat jackets & Aviator sunglasses.

Step 7 – Come to your senses, move back to civilization & try to get possessions back from opportunistic “friends”

Step 8 – Test your page before publishing it
There’s nothing quite as irritating as finding out that your font is unreadable or that the graphics you included are all blank windows with little x’s.

Unless your pictures were of little x’s in the first place.

Step 8 – Publish that puppy!
There’s a certain bit of self-satisfaction when you see your thoughts put out there for the world to see.

Until you notice that you spelled “the” as “teh.”

Step 9 – Edit mistakes that you thought you had fixed the first time around

Step 10 – Re-publish
Close your eyes & hope for the best.

If successful, pat yourself on the back for a job well done.

If not, bang head repeatedly against desk until desired level of unconsciousness is reached. Proceed to Step 11.

Step 11 –Regain consciousness, flip computer the "Double Deuce” & go watch TV
If you are the drinking type, drink heavily. If you are not, consider taking up heavy drinking.

There you have it. Blogging in 11 ½ easy steps. See? It’s not all that hard.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a manifesto to finish up.