Wednesday, August 06, 2003

Peace At Last

For the first time in a long time, I finally feel calm & at peace. I mean, money’s still tight, but I know it’ll get better soon. Other than that, things look bright. I can see more than just the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. I can see what’s outside of the tunnel…& it’s all good. I feel the weight on my shoulders getting lighter. I don’t feel quite so burdened. There’s prospects for extra work, meaning that, while I won’t have a lot of free time, I also won’t have to get rid of my truck – at least not until I can afford another car. I wasn’t looking forward to getting rid of her. I really like being able to look over the tops of peoples cars & given that I am the road rage poster child, it’s nice to have a vehicle with a high intimidation factor.

The thing that’s really brightened my life, though, is having found the right person. Someone who I look forward to spending a lot of time with. She makes every day better. She cares for me. She loves me for who I am, not for what I have. She’s as excited every day to talk to me as I am to her. We both enjoy being able to end our respective days talking & griping & laughing with each other. I’ve not had this before. Before, my faults were brought out & constantly nitpicked. Granted, I don’t have many faults. If anything I’m just too modest.

Okay, you can stop laughing now. Really. OK…STOP IT!

Anyway, she loves me, warts & all. & I love her. She’s kind, caring & loving. She hasn’t shown me the slightest hint of selfishness (except that she won’t share me with anyone else. Sorry ladies…). She’s eager to come out here to be with me. She makes me want to give her all that I can. She makes me want to be a better person. Most of all, though, she makes me happy. I haven’t felt this good, this consistently, for so long now. I’ve had people that have made me smile or given me a temporary respite from my normal, cynical self. But with her I never want to go back to being like that. There’s a lyric from a Nirvana song (the chipper, upbeat, life affirming music that it is) that goes “I miss the comfort in being sad.” I used to live by that. I used to feel comfort in being down & feeling, well…sad. It was better than feeling nothing. But now, I’ve got a reason to smile when I wake in the morning. & a reason to go to sleep smiling. & to smile throughout the day. I don’t have a reason to be sad.

I thank the Good Lord Above every day & every night for her. Blessings have been bestowed upon me, & the best one has been her.