Sunday, June 22, 2003

The first in a series of old ramblings.

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7:30a or so - Take Your Blog to Work Day

Ah, another fine day at the office. The air conditioner has come on early, so, Club Med (as it's called by those less fortunate denizens of the packing floor) is seeing temperatures close to subfreezing. The order processing system is down, but what else is new? It's beautiful outside, but as I have no windows in my office, I can't sit & daydream about escaping. I think the powers that be realized that could be a problem & so have put me in the dungeon to try & break my spirit. Many have tried & all have failed, hehehe.

I work in the shipping department of a software company. More specifically, I work in a warehouse, where the temperatures range from blazing hot in the summer to frigid in the winter with no happy medium in between. When I'm not fielding phone calls & emails from people who have no concept of the idea of double checking their work before saving it, thus causing many a headache for our hero, or dazzling women with my wit & charm (hey, I had a DHL rep tell me that it was a pleasure to have been able to talk to me. Sure, she sounded like she was in her 50's, but ego stroking is ego stroking, my friends), I sit & create the illusion that I'm actually a productive part of the company. This involves making spreadsheets that pretty much do nothing except repeat the same information over & over again, just in many different & FAH-bulous ways & occasionally I switch pages back & forth to make it look like I'm perusing something. Leaning forward with your chin in your hand adds just the right "I'm intently working on something of vital necessity for the company" touch.

9:57a - The Beast Awakens

Well, the processing system seems to be up & running. Having personally crashed the system a couple times & thus knowing that I have this incredible power, I take a perverse pleasure in seeing it incapacitated from time to time. Just the little sadist in me, I guess.

10:16a - Poison Gas

As you can tell, I've a lot of time on my hands this morning.

Both of my coworkers are complaining of health problems. The "Blonde In The Corner", referred to as such because I can never, EVER remember her name, is feeling like crap. Looks bad too. "Irene", as I for some unknown reason started calling the woman in the other corner, said she's feeling really sleepy. Couple all of these ailments with my recent bout of confusion, the left side of my body going dead & me being more irritable than usual & I've come to the conclusion that we are secretly being experimented on with poison gas. I don't know who's behind it yet - the Company? The Government? Carrot Top? I dunno. What I do know is that every afternoon there is a foul smell coming through the vents (you'd think if they didn't want us to know we were being used as guinea pigs, they'd use an odorless gas, but, what do I know?). Some boxes were just brought into the office covered in a suspicious dust, which I think is probably anthrax. I'll let you know once the tests come back.

Now it smells like peanut butter…Mr. Peanut has been added to the list of suspects.

11:25a - Taking the Blog to lunch

C'mon, Blog…let's go to Burger King.

12:46p - Fat, dumb & happy

Now that I'm fed (kudos to the good folks at Burger King), I'm ready for a nap. A well fed Jay means a happy (& safe from being bitten) office.

1:49p - Shave the Planet!

I'm totally fascinated with the back of my wrist/forearm junction where the hair was shaved off in order to insert an IV last week (BTW, Good Job, One-Stick Kip!). It's so weird looking & feeling. It's kinda like when a man (or woman - ewwww!) shaves off their moustache. It feels cool & clammy for a bit, but intriguingly smooth. It looks like some miniature logging company clear-cut my forearm. I can't help but think of all of the animal species that were wiped out in the name of my health.

Irene just pointed out to me that the initials for "Blonde In The Corner" are a letter shy of a commonly used derogatory term. Hehehe…Purely unintentional, I assure you. Which makes it all that much funnier.

3:27p - Chickaboodlesoo

The weird things you hear when you're not paying attention.