Songs Of The Humpback Whale

“I don’t like this!” said T as we began thirty minutes of bouncing up, down &, I swear, sideways, while flying in over the Rockies into Denver International Airport in a little CanadAir plane this past New Year’s Day. T hates flying as much as I love it. Part of it comes from a rather finicky inner ear that doesn’t find being rocked back & forth fun in the least; her usual routine about an hour before we take off is a couple Dramamine & the hope for a quiet, blissfully unaware slumber until we reach our destination. I, on the other hand, love flying, from take-off to landing. I will readily admit, though, that even I was a little concerned, as this descent was one of the bumpiest I’d ever experienced.

About five minutes into the approach, T noticed that a little boy a few rows ahead of us was riding with the airsick bag on his knee. He didn’t seem too bad off; maybe just a little nervous with all the buckin’ & snortin’ we were experiencing. Then, from out of nowhere, the man seated directly in front of us, father of two &, I’m sure, loving husband, began his own impersonation of humpback whale mating calls. “MWAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGG!” was pretty much all we heard for the next twenty minutes.

MWAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGG! Up comes breakfast!

BLAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGG! Oops, there goes last night’s dinner!

HMRUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNG! There goes yesterday’s lunch! A hat trick, ladies & gentlemen!

I swear I heard his spleen dislodge from his insides & hit the seatback in front of him.

About ten minutes into the concert, I reached for my airsickness bag. T looked at me, knowing that I don’t suffer from motion sickness & figured that the rocking was finally getting to me. “Oh no, you’re not going to get sick, are you?” she asked. “No,” I replied, “I’m getting this ready for the guy – he has to have just about filled up his bag!”

The rest of the flight, we were treated to watching this man sweat profusely while turning himself inside out. We finally landed, with much eternal gratitude on his part, I’m sure. We asked his wife if she needed any help getting him off the plane, to which she requested a wheelchair. We made our way to the counter outside the jetway & conveyed the woman’s request. Suddenly, an attendant flew by us with a wheelchair &, we assume, very gingerly helped the man off the plane.

T & I waited at the counter, as our ticket didn’t show which gate to go to. While waiting, our friend opened up with the second chorus of “Songs of the Humpback Whale.” When the sound of “MMMLEAAAAAAAAAAAG!” emanated from the jetway, we took that as our queue to go find our information elsewhere.

Seriously, I didn’t know that one person could expel that much from inside themselves.