Wednesday, January 28, 2009

A Letter To The Universe

Dear Universe –

I know it’s been awhile since we’ve talked; life in general has been a bit confusing, lately, which is something I’ve been meaning to chat with you about. I don’t know if I’ve done something to displease or offend you. I don’t know if maybe I said or did something that hurt your feelings. Have I?

The reason that I bring this up is that I’ve noticed a startling increase in the number of obstacles, roadblocks & all around nuisances that have been cropping up in my life lately - things like more & more traffic along my route to work; idiot people unable to navigate four-way stops; the inexplicable phenomenon known as “skinny jeans”; the recent blistering of the roof of my mouth with hot pizza; & a rise in poorly perforated paper towels tearing off all but a small piece of the corner of the sheet, leaving not a nice, straight edge on the next sheet, but, instead, a straight edge with a triangle from the previous sheet left dangling. Knowing how OCD I am about things, you can see how this drives me insane.

Now, not to seem ungrateful, I do wish to thank you for the lack of old men parading around naked in the gym’s locker room. What I don’t understand, though, is why you deemed it necessary to replace Ol’ Man Danglybits with the giant hairy guy who insists on drying his crotch in front of the mirror – repeatedly.

Seriously – did I cut you off on the freeway or something? What could I have done to have deserved that vision of horror?

I was thinking that maybe we could get together for a latte & scones sometime & discuss what’s going on. If I’ve hurt you in some way, I’d like to do what I can to make things right. Or, maybe if there’s something else that’s been bothering you, I can offer an ear to bend & maybe some insight from a different perspective.

Just let me know, okay? I really mean it, Universe.