My MP3 Player Is Having A Crisis

The following is a transcript of a talk I had with my MP3 player, Thing_2, this morning:

Me: Good morning, Thing.
Thing: Is This It? (1)
Me: Uh...what do you mean?
Thing: Stand By Me (2)
Me: Um...OK. Sure.
Thing: You Wear It Well (3)
Me: Why, thank you. I just got this shirt last weekend.
Thing: I'll Stand By You (4)
Me: That's awfully nice of you.
Thing: Goodbye Stranger (5)
Me: What? Wait - I thought you were going to stand by me. Where are you going?
Thing: Heaven, Hell or Houston (6)
Me: OK - interesting itinerary...
Thing: Talk Dirty To Me (7)
Me: Uh...no.
Thing: Negasonic Teenage Warhead (8)
Me: Hey, let's not start with the name calling!
Thing: Rhinosaur (9)
Me: Now, cut that out! Let's try to steer this conversation back into friendly territory. Have you seen any good movies lately?
Thing: Fame (10)
Me: What a feelin', huh? Actually, I've never seen that one. Not my bag, baby.
Thing: No Excuses (11)
Me: No, really. Just not big on musicals & dancing.
Thing: You Take My Breath Away (12)
Me: Um...you're very nice, too.
Thing: Come Dancing (13)
Me: Sorry, I'm not much of a dancer.
Thing: Serenade (14)
Me: What, exactly, are you getting at, Thing?
Thing: I Love Rock N' Roll (15)
Me: Quit changing the subject!
Thing: Strangelove (16)
Me: Wha?
Thing: Fake Friends (17)
Me: No, Thing. I am your friend. Really. Anyway, let's play a game. Let's find out your pr0n star name, OK? Your last name would be the name of the street you grew up on. What was that?
Thing: Fascination Street (18)
Me: And your first name would be the name of your family pet.
Thing: Louie Louie (19)
Me: So, your name would be Louie Fascination. OK, that didn't turn out as funny as I'd hoped. Whatever. Oh, I'm such a bad host - I didn't ask if I could get you anything.
Thing: Coffee & TV (20)
Me: OK. Anything else?
Thing: Let's Dance (21)
Me: I've already told you, Thing, I'm not into dancing.
Thing: Reason (22)
Me: I'm just not very coordinated.
Thing: Amateur (23)
Me: Oh, way worse than that.
Thing: Have A Cigar (24)
Me: Thanks, Thing, but I don't smoke.
Thing: I Summon You (25)
Me: No, Thing, I do not want a cigar!
Thing: There There (26)
Me: Sorry. I guess I got a little worked up there.
Thing: Get Over It (27)
Me: Hey, now...
Thing: I Touch Myself (28)
Me: Dude, I so did not want to know that...
Thing: Do Ya Think I'm Sexy? (29)
Me: Um...You're very nice looking, as far as small electronics go.
Thing: Creep (30)
Me: Hey! You asked me!
Thing: No Surprises (31)
Me: What's that supposed to mean?
Thing: Wish You Were Here (32)
Me: Thing, I'm right in front of you. Let's try to get this conversation back on topic - any topic! I'm thinking about taking a trip to Constantinople some time...
Thing: Istanbul (Not Constantinople) (33)
Me: Oh yeah. They changed the name a few years back, didn't they?
Thing: Loser (34)
Me: Stop that! I'm nice to you - I keep fresh batteries on hand; got you a cozy little protective case...
Thing: Save Me (35)
Me: Why? What's wrong?
Thing: Insane In The Brain (36)
Me: Well, that explains a lot about this conversation. Hey, I'm booking us a room for our next trip. Any preferences as to where to stay?
Thing: Hotel California (37)
Me: Nah. I've heard checking out's a bear.
Thing: Stupid Girl (38)
Me: Hey, I'm neither of those!
Thing: Crazy (39)
Me: I'm thinking that describes you more than me, my friend.
Thing: Simple Man (40)
Me: OK, that's enough! One more time & I'm gonna start using those cheapie Ray-O-Vac batteries in you!
Thing: Last Nite (41)
Me: What about it?
Thing: Love (42)
Me: Do I really want to hear about this?
Thing: So Lonely (43)
Me: Sounds like a personal problem.
Thing: Hold My Hand (44)
Me: Um...you don't have any.
Thing: Am I Evil? (45)
Me: No, Thing, not at all. You just lack appendages. There are a lot of people out there without hands. The inability to operate a doorknob does not make one evil.
Thing: Heart & Soul (46)
Me: Yes. That's what makes a person a person. Hands are just a perk.
Thing: Stop (47)
Me: Sorry, Thing. I was just trying to make you feel better.
Thing: Say It Isn't So (48)
Me: What, Thing?
Thing: Cry (49)
Me: Aw, Thing, don't cry. You'll short yourself out.
Thing: Don't Stand So Close To Me (50)
Me: Sorry. I'll give you a little space.
Thing: Every Time You Go Away (51)
Me: You're sending mixed signals, Thing. Do you want me to go or not?
Thing: They Don't Know (52)
Me: Who? What are you talking about?
Thing: 2+2=5 (53)
Me: What's wrong with you? Are your batteries going out?
Thing: Keep Talking (54)
Me: Alright. Um...lessee...this past weekend, we went to the Griffith Observatory, then to Hollywood & then to dinner on the pier at Santa Monica...
Thing: Why Can't I Be You (55)
Me: Aren't you happy being you?
Thing: Is She Really Going Out With Him? (56)
Me: Is that what this is all about? A girl? Is that why you've been so needy & clingy?
Thing: I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues (57)
Me: It's OK. How are you feeling right now?
Thing: Constant Craving (58)
Me: Hmm...what did you think when you first met her?
Thing: The Search Is Over (59)
Me: Aw, that's sweet. What kind of work were you doing at the time? What was your job title?
Thing: DJ (60)
Me: Oh yeah - chicks dig DJ's. How'd things go when you started seeing each other?
Thing: Touch & Go (61)
Me: And later?
Thing: Heavenly (62)
Me: That doesn't sound so bad. Where'd you go on your first date?
Thing: In Your Room (63)
Me: Wow. I suddenly feel the need to change the sheets on my bed. What'd you do later?
Thing: Learn To Fly (64)
Me: You took flying lessons? How...um...romantic?
Thing: Crazy Little Thing Called Love (65)
Me: Uh...yeah. It’ll make you do some weird things. Did you ever just spend nights in, just watching TV? What was your favorite show?
Thing: Heroes (66)
Me: Cool! Mine, too!
Thing: Wise Up (67)
Me: Talking to you is like riding in a car with a beginner driver...
Thing: If I Ever Lose My Faith In You (68)
Me: See? That's what I'm talking about! Back to the topic at hand: did you watch anything else?
Thing: Twilight Zone (69)
Me: Interesting taste in shows. By the way, what was her name?
Thing: Maggie May (70)
Me: That's a nice name. Did you have a favorite place to go when not watching TV? A favorite restaurant, perhaps?
Thing: Sunset Grill (71)
Me: Oh yeah - I've heard they make a mean fajita. So, you dated for a while. What was your impression of her towards the end?
Thing: Stone Cold Crazy (72)
Me: Ooo, been there, done that, my friend. I know you're still a bit torn up about the whole thing, but, have you tried seeing anyone else, even if it's just a rebound kinda thing?
Thing: Stacy's Mom (73)
Me: Yeah, she's got it goin' on. Is there anything you can say that you learned from you brief relationship with Maggie May?
Thing: Don't Look Back In Anger (74)
Me: Sage advice, my friend. Sage advice. Anyway, other than Stacy's mom, are there any other prospects?
Thing: Living Dead Girl (75)
Me: Oh. I didn't know you were into the Goth look...
Thing: Super Freak (76)
Me: You'd better be careful with that one.
Thing: Love Hurts (77)
Me: I know it does, Thing, but you'll be alright. Things look dark now, but they'll get better. I promise. The memory of Maggie May...
Thing: Still Remains (78)
Me: Well, I'm sure it does, but what I was going to say was that the memories will fade soon.
Thing: Lovefool (79)
Me: Don't be so hard on yourself, Thing. We all go a little crazy over someone sometimes. Maybe I can help you out a bit. Being a DJ seemed to help you with the ladies. What other jobs have you had in the past?
Thing: Piano Man (80)
Me: Really? I would've never guessed it, what with having no hands & all. How long did you do that?
Thing: 14 Years (81)
Me: How'd that pan out, ladies-wise? What kind of women go for a handless piano player?
Thing: Crazy Babies (82)
Me: Really?
Thing: Truly, Truly (83)
Me: So, why'd you decide to quit that line of work?
Thing: Changes (84)
Me: What'd you do when you landed the DJ gig?
Thing: Jump Around (85)
Me: That's impressive, considering you have no legs. What'd you feel?
Thing: Joy (86)
Me: That's nice. Hey, it's getting late. Do you want to go do anything?
Thing: Take Me Out (87)
Me: OK. Just let me call T; she might like to go along...
Thing: Just The Two Of Us (88)
Me: Uh, let me check with her, anyway. Is there anything in particular you want to do?
Thing: Rock This Town (89)
Me: I see - looking to sow a few oats, eh? Anyone in particular you're looking for (wink, wink)?
Thing: Sheep (90)
Me: Uh...sheep? Do I want to know what for?
Thing: Master & Servant (91)
Me: I shouldn't have asked. Is there actually a place where you would find sheep for that purpose?
Thing: Feel Good Inc. (92)
Me: Do they have anything else there that's not so nauseating?
Thing: Sexy Hypnotist (93)
Me: Hmm...anything else?
Thing: The Rover (94)
Me: Ugh...no more, please.
Thing: We Belong (95)
Me: You might, my friend. Not me.
Thing: My Darling (96)
Me: I told you to quit calling me that!
Thing: Mr. Jones (97)
Me: That, too!
Thing: Ruby Soho (98)
Me: OK, that's it - I've asked you time & again to quit with the names! I'm going to go now.
Thing: Kiss & Say Goodbye (99)
Me: How about a firm handshake? Oh yeah – I forgot the whole ‘hands’ issue…


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