Maybe I Should Lay Off The Caffeine

I frequently think of things &, sometimes, blurt them out, like I have some uncontrollable need to purge the words & thoughts from my body, lest I combust. Since I don't drink, I chalk it up to Tourette's Syndrome, which does give me a free ticket to swear, if I so choose.

Anyway, since I'm feeling that compulsion again (to blurt out weird thoughts, not swear) (yet), I thought that instead of getting weird looks from my wife & co-workers, I'd put them here on MLCotW, since (A) I can't see any of your amused/horrified/repulsed/befuddled reactions & (B) nobody comes around here anymore anyway. Enjoy!

* I had a dream the other night that I was autopsying the torso of Charlie Sheen with a female assistant who'd contracted an STD from Angelina Jolie. Don't ask - it's probably better that way.
* I once sat on an ant pile - on purpose - just to see what they'd do. Do you know what ants do when you sit on their hill? They bite. A lot.
* It was then that I learned that the phrase "You've got ants in your pants" wasn't so funny.
* Miguelito was whining about not having any confidence with the ladies since he's tried to quit drinking, although he found that at least carrying a cup of cranberry juice around helped a bit. I sugested that he start carrying a "Crunk Cup" so as to give him an 'in' when trying to strike up a conversation. My wife informed that that was one of the dumbest things she'd ever heard.
* I stand by my idea, though.
* My new cellmate, Mumbles, is trying to kill me with carmel mocha frapachinos frappachinos frapaccinos coffee Slurpies loaded with extra shots of espresso. I think this is in retaliation for gluing her mouse to its mousepad, among other torments.
* I wonder if Luke Skywalker ever has times where he's jealous of Princess Leia. I mean, she was adopted by a rich senator's family on the lush & relatively temperate planet of Alderaan, lived a life of luxury, spent her days debating in the Young Imperial Senators Club & her nights going to parties, trying to avoid Dax Dev, a nine-armed, 12-fingered exchange student from Dantooine. Luke, on the other hand, was raised by a cranky moisture farmer on the desert planet Tatooine (where rainfall totals are measured by decades instead of yearly), spent his days sweating profusely & his nights picking sand out of his belly button. I'd say he got the bum end of the whole adoption deal.

I think I need to get out more...