Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Apple Cheddar Cheese Spread

[Note: This marks the first time that I actually had a sucker patsy witness to a bad food tasting, which, given the nasty schtuff that I've eaten in the past, may be a good thing, just in case one of these things turns out to be lethal.]

This lovely little entry into the Pantry of Horrors came to assault my tastebuds quite by accident. Y'know, as opposed to me actually inflicting it upon myself, like the Squeeze Cheese or the Potted Meat Product (I still get a chill when I think about that schtuff). This was initially part of a gift to my niece, Queen Lauroo, who, very foolishly bravely tried out this processed atrocity with me.

Let's hop into the Wayback Machine to last month, when T & I were Christmas shopping. Feverishly trying to find just the right gifts for my nieces & nephew, we came across a locking canister with chickens* emblazoned all over it - the perfect gift for Queen Lauroo. Plainly displayed (& promptly ignored) was a label telling us that there was more inside. After she opened the canister, I'd wished that I hadn't disregarded the tag. For, residing inside of a very thick plastic bag, was a substance of such foulness, the likes of which the world has rarely seen.

And its name was Apple Cheddar Cheese Spread! *shudder*

[*Although she vehemently denies it, Queen Lauroo loves, loves, LOVES chickens; we've told her so. We do worry, though, that she's on the fast track to becoming that weird lady that every street has. You know the one - all the kids speak in hushed tones when they pass her house, talking about the one kid that dared to retrieve his ball from her yard - & was never heard from again!]

Upon first glance, the whole thing looked like a cheese-filled water balloon.

A very full cheese-filled balloon.

See for yourself:

Note the ingredients - Mmm, mmmm...that's some good eatin' right there!

Upon cutting open the plastic, I prepared myself for what I thought would be an all-out assault on my nostrils, but was quite surprised (& a little disappointed) to find that there really wasn't much of a smell at all. The only thing that I can equate it to would be wax. Plain, old, unscented wax. This caused me to momentarily lower my defenses & think that this may not be as bad as I thought it would.

My defenses were quickly back up to full strength when I applied a dollop of the schtuff to a cracker & I could swear that I heard it scream. Take another look at the first picture - the cracker on the counter in the background? It was actually moving closer to the edge of the counter in an attempt to throw itself off & end its misery.

Despite the uneasiness that a screaming cracker can cause, Queen Lauroo & I decided to still try a bite. This is when things started to get weird. Y'see, much like the smell of this...this...thing, the flavor wasn't immediately bad. In fact, the taste never even came close to Potted Meat Product status. The taste, you could say, was quite literal, for, as you chewed, the flavor alternated from apple to (kinda) cheese & back to apple. I kind of imagine it's what the full course meal gum in 'Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory' would've been like, only gross. And, thankfully, we didn't turn into a giant ball of Apple Cheddar Cheese Spread.

The worst thing about this affront to humanity is that to this day, nearly a month later, I can still taste it. In this area, it takes the Potted Meat Product to school, because, while that was probably the single nastiest thing I've ever willingly put into my face, I was able to, eventually, get the taste out of my mouth & block its memory from my mind. This, though, I can still conjure up. And I'm betting that Queen Lauroo can, as well.

So, while the Apple Cheddar Cheese Spread was lacking in out & out horrid taste & smell (don't get me wrong - I'll not be trying it ever again), it stands head & shoulders above the rest when it comes to the tenacity with which it has stuck in the memory of my poor tastebuds, thus securing its rightful place in the Pantry of Horrors.