Monday, May 09, 2005

Q: When Will I Learn?

A: Probably when my stomach finally bursts into flame.

I think I may have stripped the final layer of lining off of my stomach.

Today I tried another fine product from the good people at O'Brien's - the Double Barrel Hot Shots meat snacks. These look & taste like the hickory smoked meat sticks, except that the packaging sports a picture of some desperado pointing a double barrelled shotgun at you & the product tagline is "Shot Full O' Flavor." Oh, & there's a couple of Batman-esque Action! bubbles stating that there's No MSG! (BAM!) & Spicy! (BIFF!).

Strangely enough, the feeling in my esophagus right now is what I imagine being shot in the chest by a 12 gauge would feel like. Usually, I just laugh a little & pass over the foodstuffs in the vend-o-matic that claim to be HOT! (BLAM!) or FLAMIN' INTENSE! (KA-POW!). These things tend to be somewhat less than hot, at least compared to what I think of when I think of hot.

But, seeing as how I've enjoyed O'Brien's goods so far, I thought I'd give this culinary treat a try. Taste-wise, they weren't that much different from the other meatsticks, meaning that you could taste every bit of the pork, beef, water, salt, flavorings, dextrose, lactic acid starter culture & sodium nitrate that they pack into every O'Brien's meat snack. Looks-wise, these also look like oily cigars. They weren't hot, though - initially.

I ate these things over an hour ago & my upper gastric system still feels like I ingested Napalm. I've tried drinking something to settle things down, but to no avail. Now, strange gurgling noises are making their way up my esophagus. I've even got a headache. I swear, I'm expecting an alien creature to burst out of my chest at any moment. What on God's green earth did the manufactuer put in these things?

One would think that after last weeks pastrami incident, I'd be a little more gentle with my stomach. But no. And I lay the blame fully on T. This is what happens when she goes away for a bit & I don't have someone around to keep me from putting bad things in my mouth.