Monday, February 14, 2005


I hate Valentine's Day.

Don't get me wrong - I love showering T with love & affection every day. I love telling her how much I love her & how special she is & how much of a blessing to my life she is every day. What I hate about the day is that it feels like you're forced or obligated to do something that, if you truly love someone, you should be doing already. Every day.

The ghosts of V-Day's past don't help matters much, either.

This morning, T & I exchanged cards & The Boy gave her a card & a candle. Then, he asked if there was a card for him. Even though he had a bagful of cards from his classmates, he'd also expected one from us, I guess. So, all morning I've been mad at myself because it didn't occur to me that he'd feel like I had for so many years - left out. I hated that feeling way back when & I hate that my son felt that way this morning. In an attempt to try to set things right, I asked T to take him for a "Valentine's doughnut" or something to that affect before she took him to the ex's. I'm sure he wasn't emotionally scarred by my little faux paux, but bugged me.

You spend the first few years of grade school making sure that you gave everyone on the class list a card, always making sure to not give any that might be misconstrued to anyone that you didn't like. I remember getting one in sixth grade from a girl that I've known since kindergarten. It had a fish in a bowl on it & said something to the effect of "Drop me a line." On the back, the girl, in an effort to make sure I didn't get the wrong idea, I suppose, wrote "I don't really mean what the card says on the front."

Yeah, thanks for the head's up.

Anyway, you finally reach junior high & the holiday becomes a bit more exclusive - if you had yourself a steady sweetie, you were in the club & received a card. If not...well, you just kinda sat there & acted like you didn't care (even though you secretly hoped that one would make its way to you). Pathetic, yes?

I was never a member of that elite little club, either through fate or my own blindness to the vibes being sent out by a few girls. One girl in particular, who was my best friend, in fact, had warm & squishy feelings for me, which I didn't catch on to & only found out about it after we'd graduated. And even after that I waited too long & she ended up marrying someone else.

It seemed that I always had a girl "friend", but never a girlfriend, that hung out with me when I was in school. I remember being asked numerous times by the guys if so-&-so & I were an item & replying with a "No - are you kidding?", as if they'd asked me if I was dating my sister. The thing is, these chums of the female persuasion were not unattractive by any stretch of the imagination. But, like so many of the main characters of various John Hughes movies, I was always looking toward the cheerleader or the popular girl (which, given the size of my school, was pretty much any girl besides my friends), never noticing that the girl who sat with me in every class was right there waiting for me to come to my senses. The one that sat with me at lunch everyday. The one that leaned her head on my shoulder. The one that laughed & made up silly words & phrases & laughed at the jocks with me & was there for me when I was down & who I was there for in return. Just waiting for me to see them as more than just a friend.

Cripes, I was dense.

I have since been blessed, as you all know, with the most wonderful woman that I could've hoped for. She's everything I could ask for & more. There's no doubting that she's the one that I'd been searching & waiting & asking the Good Lord above for. I guess my school years were preparing me, in a way. Teaching me patience or something like that. Goodness knows I needed a few lessons. Once again, I have someone who sits with me in this class known as Life 101. I have a person who'll sit with me at lunch as often as we can get together. One that leans her head on my shoulder. One who laughs & picks up on my silly words & phrases (I've even got her using the word "craptacular"). There's not so many jocks around to laugh at anymore (except that weird guy who sells fitness tapes on cable), but she's quick to help me make fun of the foibles of celebrities. She's there for me when I'm down & I am there for her in return. She is my best friend, but she doesn't have to wait fo me to see her as more than just a friend.

I love you, Beautiful.

Wow...this post turned out better than I'd expected!