Monday, October 17, 2005

An Open Letter To The Putz At Work Who Defaces All Of The Magazines

Dear Mr. Rembrandt -

Could you please find it in you to not write in, or tear pages out of, the magazines in the breakroom? Or, if you feel you must, can you please spare the "Entertainment Weekly" & maybe focus on the numerous issues of "Gourmet" strewn about the room? I know this would leave you with far fewer targets to set your black felt tip marker to, but it would sure make it easier to read the EW's. If you're honestly having trouble leaving the magazines unmolested, here's a few tips I have for you:

1) Learn how to spell. The word is "Skank," not "Scank."

2) We already know that Britney, Christina & to put this?, portray themselves in a less than wholesome light. Writing "Slut" or, as you so eloquently put it, "Scank" over all of their photos really isn't telling us anything that we don't already know. It's like writing "Catholic!" across pictures of the Pope.

3) Think about this every time you write "Loser" across a celebrity's image: who's the bigger loser - the celebrity, who probably rolls around naked in gigantic piles of money every night or the person who makes slightly above minimum wage putting software components* into a box for a living & writes "Loser" across pictures of movie stars in magazines? Don't think too hard about it. I wouldn't want you to forget how to glue boxes shut or how to count to three or anything like that.

4) Attempting to write celebrity autographs? See tip #3.

Basically, get a dictionary, get a new hobby & get a life.



*PS - "Components" is a big word meaning "stuff." Sorry, didn't mean to confuse you there.