He has risen!

Mark 16:1-6

1When the Sabbath was over, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome bought spices so that they might go to anoint Jesus' body. 2Very early on the first day of the week, just after sunrise, they were on their way to the tomb 3and they asked each other, "Who will roll the stone away from the entrance of the tomb?"

4But when they looked up, they saw that the stone, which was very large, had been rolled away. 5As they entered the tomb, they saw a young man dressed in a white robe sitting on the right side, and they were alarmed.

6"Don't be alarmed," he said. "You are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who was crucified. He has risen! He is not here. See the place where they laid him.

An Idle Mind Is The Devil’s Playground

And, boy, was my mind idle when I thought this up!

T’s got a class reunion coming up this summer, which she’d like me to go to; I think mainly so that she can prove to people that I’m not her imaginary husband. Not being the most social of people or very comfortable in strange places with crowds of strange people, I started thinking of a way that I could have at least a little fun with the situation.

I decided to come up with a list of jobs that I’d tell different people when I’m inevitably cornered & forced to play ’20 Questions’ by some inebriated stranger & T’s out of earshot not around to run interference.

Feel free to use any of these at your next awkward social gathering.

Astronaut
Fighter Pilot
Inventor of the .mp3 file format
Llama farmer
Inland Empire NAACP chapter president (remember, I’ll be in the South)
Midget pr0n director
Sea Monkey breeder
Kiefer Sutherland’s stunt double
One of the Oceanic Six
Ghost hunter
Shipping clerk
‘Chunk’ in ‘Goonies: The Musical’
CEO of a company that pulls nails from old boards, straightens them out & resells them
Medicine expiration date tester
Ninja
Inland Empire GLAAD chapter president (again, I’ll be in the South)
An Ewok in Return of the Jedi
The actor who plays ‘Jack’ in the Jack in the Box commercials
Professional chin model
Clone War reenacter
Topiary maintenance manager at Neverland Ranch
Superhero
Geneticist developing the world’s first long-tailed hamster
The ad executive who came up with the ‘Head-On’ advertisement campaign
Death
Ninth row, second from the left clone trooper in scene #732 of ‘Revenge of the Sith’
Inland Empire Communist Party chapter president (geez, am I trying to get myself killed?)
The actor who played ‘Cousin Oliver’ on ‘The Brady Bunch’
Gladiator
A time traveling soldier from the future trying to save T from an unstoppable killer cyborg masquerading as a state governor
The last actor to play the ‘Hamburglar’ in a McDonald’s commercial
The body double for all of the ‘Before’ pictures in weight loss ads
A witty, popular & influential Blogger

Phrases I Need To Learn In Spanish

When not dumbfounded by the antics of young Emerson or the several appearances of his mother’s whale tail, something else happened at the carwash Sunday that resulted in the epiphany found in the title of this here post.

Let me give you a little non-Emerson or whale tail related background; the whole reason for going to this particular vehicle de-dirting station was due to the fact that I had – a coupon! And not just any coupon, nosireebob! This was a coupon for the extra special wash/wax/hot wax/tire shine & air freshener spritz deal which usually costs about $15, all for the low, low price of $10.99 ($9.99 every day except Friday-Sunday). A pretty schweet deal at a business that I’ve always enjoyed patronizing.

All was going well with the wash (hell child & unsolicited thong appearances aside). The Cruiser was in & out of the wash cycle before The Boy & I knew it. Quick as a flash, our attendant was out drying, buffing & polishing nearly every inch of the car. With a tap of the horn & a twirl of his drying rag, we were soon to be on our way; but first, there was the issue of our non-existent air freshener. And the fact that our attendant spoke not a lick of English.

I take that back; he knew exactly one word that sounded sorta English-y.

The conversation went something like this:

Me: Um…did you add the air freshener?
Attendant, puzzled nodding: Yuh
Me: The air freshener – did you add it?
Attendant, uneasy nodding: Yuh?
Me: Is the air freshener just really mild? Because I can’t smell anything.
Attendant, panicked nodding: Yuh!

And with that, he ran off to get a translator, who told him to add the requested (& purchased) air freshener.

He returned with a squirt bottle full of liquefied new car scent & proceeded to liberally spray the floor mats of the Cruiser. Actually, “spray” would be a gross understatement.

“Drown” would be a more accurate description.

We tipped our monolingual friend & took off, soon realizing that a) the smell of the air freshener was one of the most noxious smells that I’ve not produced myself & b) we couldn’t roll the windows down without smearing them with water. Thus, we were forced to crank the a/c up in a vain attempt to blow fresh, non-new car scented air in our face & not pass out.

So, having survived Emerson & the thong monster & a chemical attack from a foreign national on my car, I’ve decided to create a list of helpful phrases in Spanish to carry around, just in case I come across another car wash employee armed with a Squirt Gun O’ Terror:

Where is the bathroom, please? ¿Dónde está el cuarto de baño, por favor?

May I please use your phone? ¿Puedo satisfacer uso su teléfono?

How much is my bail? ¿Cuánto es mi fianza?

Do you accept cash? ¿Usted acepta efectivo?

Would you accept my sister? She is a hard worker. ¿Usted aceptaría a mi hermana? Ella es trabajador duro.

Please only spray a little air freshener in my car. Pine scent, if you have it. Rocíe por favor solamente un poco ambientador del aire en mi coche. Olor del pino, si usted lo tiene.

Please cease the chemical weapons assault on my car! ¡Cese por favor el asalto químico de las armas en mi coche!

Where are the wookiee’s pants? (You never know) ¿Dónde están los pantalones de los wookiee?

Emerson! Open your ears! (Maybe Emerson only understood Spanish?) ¡Emerson! ¡Ábrase los oídos!

Ma’am, your thong is showing. La señora, su correa está demostrando.

Got any more, Loyal Readers?

We're Huge In Belgium

Behold - one of the coolest things in the world:



Darth in the Sky

Meme Madness

Amy sent this to me &, as she answered “Jay” to question #24 (“Who is least likely to respond?”), I decided that I’d not only prove her wrong, but I’d also show her up by stealing the questions & turning them into a meme post.

Because I’m original like that, yo!

The 2008 Edition of Getting to Know Your Friends

1. What is your occupation? Shipping Wage Monkey.
2. What color are your socks right now? White bootie socks (it was supposed to be warm today; needless to say, I’m freezing). (*Edit: It’s warmed up now! Yay for bootie socks!)
3. What are you listening to right now? The voices in my head.
4. What was the last thing that you ate? A blueberry breakfast bar thingy. (*Edit: I’ve since had lunch – this was a long meme!)
5. Can you drive a stick shift? If I had to. I’m terribly uncoordinated &, as I drive 2 footed in an automatic, have the unfortunate tendency to push the clutch in when I want to brake. It’s usually a pretty scary moment.
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Probably one of those that never get used, like burnt umber or yellow/green.
7. Last person you spoke to on the phone? T
8. Do you like the person who sent this to you? But, of course! (Now, where’s my $5, Amy?)
9. How old are you today? 36. I think. Um..wait..no…uhhh…pass! Pass!
10. Favorite drink? Soda pop, iced tea.
11. What is your favorite sport to watch? I groove on the X Games when they come around.
12. Have you ever dyed your hair? Nope. I have had my head shaved though. Does “scalp” count as a color?
13. Pets? The Boy has a goldfish & I’ve finally convinced T that rats aren’t icky, so I may have one again in the future.
14. Favorite food? The shorter list would be my non-favorites. Pizza & cheeseburgers are probably at the top of the favorites list, though.
15. Last movie you watched? Cloverfield – yeah!
16. Favorite Day of the year? Saturday. All of ‘em.
17. What do you do to vent anger? Growl. Grumble. Make up new swear words. Blow things up in videogames.
18. What was your favorite toy as a child? My Star Wars (duh!) & GI Joe toys!
19. What is your favorite season? Fall
20. Hugs or kisses? Either way, it’s dinner & a movie first, Slick.
21. Cherry or Blueberry? Both! Although, we found through experimentation (not my own stupidity, this time) that berries & pears do not a good pie filling make.
22. Do you want your friends to email you back? That would imply that I emailed them in the first place.
23. Who is most likely to respond? See #22.
24. Who is least likely to respond? See #22.
25. What happened to #25? Yeah, Amy – where’d it go?
26. When was the last time you cried? I seem to recall a tear or two when I first saw T coming down the aisle in her wedding dress. And I cried like a frickin’ baby when “Townies” was cancelled. Poor Molly Ringwald – will she ever get another break?
27. What is on the floor of your closet? Carpeting. Oh, & the Super Bucket O’ Dirty Clothes (currently unoccupied).
28. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to? Again, see #22. Way to rub in the whole lack of friends, meme…
29. Who is the friend you have had the shortest that you are sending this to? *sob!*
30. Favorite smells? Of my own or that I’ve come across? Oh…um…the ocean/beach. Fresh cut lawn. Cookies, cookies, cookies!
31. Who inspires you? Clowns, balloons & carny folk. Oh…”inspires,” not “perspires.” I wondered why the question sounded wrong.
32. What are you afraid of? Clowns, balloons & balloon making clowns. Not a fear, so much as a deep dislike.
33. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? I don’t believe I’ve had a spicy burger, so I’ll go with B – cheese.
34. Favorite car? The late 80’s Lamborghini Countach. Beauty, speed & horrible gas mileage. What more could you want out of a dream car?
35. Favorite cat breed? Fried.
36. Number of keys on your key ring? Geez, didn’t I do a post on this a few months ago? Pay attention, meme!
37. How many years at your current job? I’m in my 13th glorious year with The Company.
38. Favorite day of the week? Any that don’t have the word “work” in front of them.
39. How many states have you lived in? As a resident? Only Cali. That I lived in whilst training? 2 more – Texas & Mississippi.
40. Do you think you're funny? Well, duh! I’m a friggin’ riot!

4 Things

T sent these questions to me in an email a few days ago. I answered the questions & then replied to everyone that she’d sent it to, which explains the weird looks & hushed tones at church on Sunday.

Anyway…

4 Things

A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Wage Monkey
2. Box boy at Stater Bros grocery store (for a whole two weeks - apparently, speed & the ability to find your way around the store are core requirements - who knew?)
3. Switchboard operator (a job that's every bit as thrilling as the name implies)
4. US Air Force, handling top secret messages & whatnot

B) Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Star Wars
2. The Empire Strikes Back
3. Return of the Jedi
4. Pippi on the High Seas (just kidding about #2)

C) Four places I have lived:
1. Yucaipa
2. Redlands
3. Rialto
4. San Antonio, TX/Biloxi, MS (at the same time - there was a warp in time & space that allowed me to occupy two places at once; stupid physicists don't know anything!)

D) Four TV Shows that I watch:
1. Heroes
2. Lost
3. Sabado Gigante! (a variety show on Telemundo that goes on for a bajillion hours straight)
4. TV shows that I inadvertently record because I forgot to set the clock on the VCR (they're never as good as what I really wanted to record)

E) Four cool places I have been:
1. The refrigerated storage area in Staters
2. A cemetery in The Middle of Nowhere, Arkansas (that's really its name!)
3. The shower when Tammie leaves the bathroom door open (brrr!)
4. The couch tonight after Tammie reads #3 (just kidding! I love you, Honey! Please quit looking up divorce attorneys!)

F) People who e-mail me regularly
1. Customer Service Rep's
2. Spambots
3. Friend requests on Myspace that turn out to be Spambots
4. Myself (I'm lonely)

G) Four Favorite foods
1. The first two slices of pizza
2. The next two slices of pizza
3. The following two slices of pizza
4. The last two slices of pizza

H) Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Any
2. Where
3. But
4. Here

I) Four friends I think will respond:
1. The Spambots
2. ETS
3. Amy
4.

J) Things I am looking forward to this year:
1. Sitting on the Lido deck with a foofy, non-alcoholic drink in my hand
2. Meeting Tammie's classmates at her reunion as she tries to prove to everyone, once & for all, that I'm not her "imaginary husband"
3. Seeing my sibling's & their kids this summer
4. Answering more email surveys

Super Happy Fun Day!

Today is Foundation Day in Japan.

Tiny women’s undergarments for everyone!

The Answer!

For those two of you who played the “Name That Fib” game that I posted a couple weeks ago – all 2 of you (3, if you count The Boy, who played offline), here’s the answers to my list of interesting facts about me - & the one fib:

1. I’ve been in a music video. – True; I was in the video for Great White’s “Call It Rock & Roll!” OK, I was technically there when it was filmed & the camera panned over the crowd where I was standing. Unfortunately, the light cannons that swooped over the crowd managed to not be on me when the camera went by, so all you can see is a big group of people in a shadow.

*sigh*

2. I’ve found myself in the arms of a queen. – True; Apparently, when I was an infant, I was held by a Rose Queen. I was irresistible to women, even as a baby. They swooned, I tells ya – swooned!

3. I’ve had my artwork exhibited in public. – True; In 1st grade, we were given an assignment to make a Christmas card for the city that we lived in, Colton, that would be blown up & put on a billboard. The only stipulation: we couldn’t put “Merry Christmas Colton” on it (strange, as this was long before rampant PCness overtook everyone’s common sense). So, I made a picture of Santa in a sleigh being pulled by Rudolph – under a banner that read “Merry Christmas Colton” (no one was going to tell this little Rembrandt what to paint. I’ve since named the picture “Vato Santa,” as, because of the abundance of white background in the picture, Santa’s beard didn’t show up very well, so we painted it black, making it look like Santa’s rockin’ a goatee). All of this led to an article & picture in the local paper, as well.

Crap…I just realized that I spent my entire 15 minutes of fame in 1st grade. It’s all been downhill since then.

4. I’ve had an out-of-body experience. True; No, really! When I was about 12 years old, I passed out & hit my head on a cinderblock. While I was out, I could see myself - from up in the air! I could see one of my friends trying to wake me up & his sister running for help. Fortunately, no tunnels with bright lights at the end were involved & I recovered with a sweet scar on my head.

Chicks dig scars.

5. I hold dual citizenship: US & Canadian. – False; For some reason (I dunno, maybe because all three of the participants know me?) this was the one that everyone picked as a total fabrication. Maybe I should’ve gone with my first choice: US & Mongolian.

6. I’ve never drank, smoked or taken illicit drugs. – True; I’ve watched family suffer from the effects of all three, so I figured I didn’t need to tempt fate. Besides, I get enough alcohol from Ny-Quil.

7. When someone says that something is “better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick,” I know, firsthand, just how true that is. True; when I was about 6 or 7 years old, some friends & I were sword fighting with tree branches. The last thing I remember seeing before running off screaming, certain that my eyeball was hanging off the end of the stick, was the tip of one of the branches. Fortunately, it hit where my eyeball & socket meet, so the branch missed hitting anything vital.

8. I’m related to poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, former Vice-President Dan Quayle & pilgrim John Alden. True; Longfellow & Quayle are both direct descendants of John Alden, as am I. For those not up on their history, Alden was one of the Pilgrims that came over on the Mayflower.

He was also portrayed by Elmer Fudd in a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

9. My grandfather was a WWI vet, my dad a WWII vet, my step-dad a Korean War vet & I’m a Gulf War vet. True; My grandfather (on my dad’s side) was stationed overseas during WWI; my father was a radar operator on the USS Grapple in WWII; my step-dad, after finding out that he was a US citizen & having already joined the Royal Air Force, was given the option to return to the US, so long as he entered the draft. He did - & the Korean War broke out, wherein the Army sent him to Germany; & I joined the Air Force about a year before Desert Shield/Storm. I just knew something like that would happen.

10. I have a hard time differentiating left from right &, as a result, have resorted to just pointing & saying “Thataway.” True; Although my internal compass is seldom wrong & I can almost always find North by “feel” alone, I have a defective right/left processor. Since people asking which way to go frequently need an answer fast & they don’t have time for me to recite the Pledge of Allegiance, I just point when giving directions.

So, there you have it. Congrats to Amy, ETS & The Boy. Your prize of a hearty pat on the back & a “Job well done!” is in the mail.

Emerson

Yesterday, whilst washing my car at the Orange Empire Car Wash, a very nice & none too cheap carwash, The Boy & I had the pleasure of meeting 1 ½ year old Emerson & his mother, a so-so attractive woman in her 30’s who drove some fancy-schmancy, $35,000+ SUV.

Of course, by “pleasure,” I mean “unmitigated, slack-jawed horror.”

Now, don’t get me wrong. Emerson seemed to be an average 1 ½ child, prone to sticking everything in arm’s reach in his mouth, including, but not limited to, every piece of candy that the operators of the carwash unwisely placed at ground level. I guess they figured, much like me, that most parents would contain their hellions demon spawn little angels & not let them tear up the displays.

They hadn’t counted on the breeders, apparently.

We watched & listened, as Emerson’s mother, trying to talk to a friend of hers that was there with her & pay for the carwash, did nothing to stop Emerson beyond saying “Emerson! No! Emerson! Emerson! No! Emerson! Etc” Finally, after he opened a box of mints, spilled some on the floor & popped a few in his mouth, his Mother of the Year candidate parent picked him up – but, not before closing the tin & putting it back in the display. (It should be noted that she did come back in & pay for the candy - & complained about having to get back in the line, which consisted of me & one other gentleman)

Oh, did I mention that on the few times she bent down to discipline her child, we were treated to about 3 inches of whale tail sticking out of the back of her pants? Thanks for the show, Emerson’s mom.

Then, it just got better. We went outside to wait for the car. It was here that Emerson decided that the patio wasn’t fun enough & that the parking lot would be much more thrilling. It was also here where my jaw hit the floor & I almost openly wept for the future of the human race, as she said to dear, sweet little Emerson, & I quote, “Emerson! Open your ears!”

Yes, Loyal Readers, she told her 1 ½ year old toddler, who couldn’t do more than squeal & say “No!” & probably couldn’t find his ears if you asked him to, to “open his ears.”

After that, her truck was ready &, when she took her eyes off of Emerson for a second, he dashed out into the parking lot again. I pointed this out to her, but she didn’t seem too concerned. To which I shrugged my shoulders & said “Meh.”

Tag! I’m It!

1/23/08
Amy tagged me with this meme & I figured, since I’ve been a flake about responding to tags for the past, oh, 3 years or so, I’d play along. Except that I won’t be tagging 5 people to carry this on, as the only two bloggers that I know have already done (or might do) this anyway. So, without further ado, here we go:

10 Things That I’ve Done That No One Else Has…At Least That I Know Of

1. ???

1/25/08
OK, I’ve stared at this thing for 2 days now & have no idea what to write. I’ve lead a pretty mundane life, people. I’m pretty sure that most everything I’ve done would be met with a "Meh. Been there, done that" by many people out there. So, with Amy’s blessing, I’m going to put a twist on this little meme. I’m going to list 10 things about me; it’ll be up to you, Loyal Readers, to figure out which one is a slight embellishment. Leave your thoughts in the comments section & next week we’ll find out how well y’all know me.

1. I’ve been in a music video.
2. I’ve found myself in the arms of a queen.
3. I’ve had my artwork exhibited in public.
4. I’ve had an out-of-body experience.
5. I hold dual citizenship: US & Canadian.
6. I’ve never drank, smoked or taken illicit drugs.
7. When someone says that something is “better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick,” I know, firsthand, just how true that is.
8. I’m related to poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, former Vice-President Dan Quayle & pilgrim John Alden.
9. My grandfather was a WWI vet, my dad a WWII vet, my step-dad a Korean War vet & I’m a Gulf War vet.
10. I have a hard time differentiating left from right &, as a result, have resorted to just pointing & saying “Thataway.”

There you go. Feel free to play along. If you do, leave a comment so I can hunt you down see what you wrote.

The One Eyed Man In The Land Of The Blind

I’ve just started my second semester in school.

What? I never told you? Yup, I’ve gone back to school to get me some learnin’ & a proper ejumacation.

Anyway, last semester, being my first time back in 10 years, I took one class – Speech. I find it funny that I’m working toward a Bachelor’s degree in Computer Programming so that I don’t have to deal with people as much as I do now & the first class that I took toward the goal was one that required me to stand up in front of 30 strangers & regale them with my thoughts on b-movies, why Star Wars is better than Star Trek & a recounting of the horror that was my first camping trip.

Got an A in the class, though. Go me!

The classes that I need to take really aren’t that hard. I’ve already got a few under my belt & my Air Force basic training covers any PE requirements, thank goodness. All I need to do is take a few more general ed classes & then I can move on to the local university & knock out a few more computer courses. The only problem is that, due to a defective math gene, I have to start out in the bonehead math class & work my way up through just under a dozen more math classes to calculus.

Oh joy.

So, my plan of attack is to take at least two classes per semester: one that I’ll (hopefully) enjoy & a math class. My hope is that I can get a better grasp of math in college & jump past some of the classes that the school deems necessary. If I follow this plan, I should have my degree just before my 87th birthday.

But, I’ll have a degree, doggoneit!

This semester, I signed up for a history telecourse (gonna see if I can buckle down & follow a class that’s televised & has only 5 meetings) & bonehead math. I’m finding the math class to be a bit difficult, but not in the ways that you might be thinking. The things we’ve been going over are very, very, very, very basic. No, the problems I’m having are a) the instructor’s from Russia & has a very pronounced, Natasha of “Boris & Natasha” fame, accent (if she ever calls someone “Dah-link” or says “Moose & Squirrel,” I think I might die laughing) & b) the class is populated with idiots.

I’m not kidding.

I didn’t think anyone could be worse at math than me. I think it’s more than just that they have a hard time with numbers – I’m surprised that some of these people can blink without instruction. And I mean just one eye at a time – I think their brains would explode if they tried the extremely difficult “Double Blink.” I’m pretty sure that most of the class would have great difficulty counting to 5, even if they were allowed to take their shoes off to quadruple their personal computing power. Granted, the instructor’s teaching method is a bit hard to follow at times, but, so far, we’ve studied basic addition, subtraction & multiplication - things that even I have a firm grasp on. Based on the reactions & questions posited by some of my classmates, you’d think she was teaching Advanced Hyperdrive Mechanics in Huttese. They have a hard time grasping the simple concept of shutting up & taking notes. Or just sitting & listening to the lesson. I am quite literally surrounded by morons. Not just dim bulbs, mind you – no, that would be merely annoying. I’m talking Grade A, 100%, glassy-eyed, slack-jawed, mouth breathers that make me want to do horrendous things to houseplants & barnyard animals.

I swear, if my next course isn’t License Plate Making 101 in San Quentin, it’ll be a miracle.

I’m Not Listening!

*fingers two knuckles deep in ears* LALALALALALALALAAAAAAA…

Anyone who knows my movie watching habits knows that A) I don’t see a lot of (good) movies & B) I generally don’t care if someone tells me the whole plot (including ending) of a movie. By the time I see the movie, I’ve pretty much forgotten what I was told about it or have read about it online. Heck, I looked up & read the script for Episode III a few days before it came out (Oh, c'mon, it’s not like I didn’t already know how it ended).

I’ve made an exception for one movie, though. This weekend, after months of speculation, wondering & staying away from sites & articles about it, Cloverfield will be coming to the local Bijou.

And I am soooo stoked!

Unfortunately, my cellmate, Miguelito, broke & read some spoilers over the weekend & is absolutely frothing at the mouth to tell me something – ANYTHING – about the movie. He says that he won’t say anything unless I ask - & then begs me to ask him something. I’ve managed to make it for the first hour & a half today so far, but I don’t know how much longer I can hold out. I was tempted mightily over the weekend by the Ain’t It Cool News review & was barely able to close the browser window before I read too much.

Darn your red beard, Harry Knowles. Darn it to Hades.

It’s gonna be a loooong week, Loyal Readers.

Machinehead: The Aftermath

My quest for a machine-like physique is off to a painful start.

I can barely lift my arms. My back is sending death threats to the rest of my body. My thighs feel like a gang of midgets went all “A Clockwork Orange” on them. Just making my eyes water sends spasms of pain throughout my body.

I almost made it through the inaugural “Turn Jay Into A Machine” workout routine. I decided to stop at the second round of ab curls (the last torment exercise of the circuit). I did this because A) I was about to throw up & B) I was about to pass out.

“Russ” was on duty last night & I really didn’t want him to perform CPR on me.

I stumbled my way back to the locker room, past the bevy of middle-aged men in various states of undress & poured water over my head in a vain attempt to keep my brain from popping out of my ears, all the while praying that I wouldn’t puke up my spleen. Then came the horrifying realization that, because the parking lot was so full, I’d parked waaaay far away.

I honestly contemplated curling up in a locker & calling it a night.

The drive home went something like this: press gas pedal, scream in pain, press brake pedal, writhe in agony, turn steering wheel, pray for death, etc. This was followed by the walk up the stairs to my apartment, which, I swear, the managers added more steps to.

Later, I actually couldn’t get up off the toilet without using my arms, which weren’t much help. I’m pretty sure that, while I was blacking out at the gym, someone removed all the muscle & bones from my thighs & replaced them with grape jelly.

I spent rest of the evening being laughed at by The Boy. This morning, hearing my cries of pain, he asked me if I needed help putting on my shoes.

He is so out of the will.

So far, the whole “Turning Jay Into A Machine” is going something like this:

Women look at my crumpled body laying on the floor & giggle.

Men laugh at me as I cry like a girlie-man every time I blink.

Children poke my broken heap of a body with sticks. And laugh.

The Boy’s friends all think I’m a boneless loser. They all laugh.

Animals are starting to hover over my near lifeless form. I shoo them away by making various whimpers & gurgling noises. If they could laugh, they would. Especially the blue birds. Jerks.

All of Canada’s laughing at me.

Tom has deleted my profile on MySchpace. While laughing his head off.

Dave Coulier still hasn’t returned my phone calls. Probably too busy laughing.

Not exactly what I pictured yesterday.

Machinehead

One of my silent resolutions this year is to get back to the gym. It's been a few months since I've gone on a routine basis &, hey, I'm paying for it whether I go or not, so...

Anyway, one of the reasons that I've slacked off on going (besides my inherent laziness & aversion to undue pain) is that I felt like I'd been spinning my wheels as far as working out went. I started out trying almost every torture implement exercise machine in the place, tried out the free weights & then just settled on the treadmill & the stationary bike. I didn't know the proper way to use the machines &, regardless of how strenuous I thought the workout was, I never felt like I was accomplishing anything. Well, other than scarring my psyche by seeing Ol' Man Dangly Bits au natural in the locker room.

*shudder*

So, I decided to take the gym up on their offer to sit down & talk to one of the trainers & set up a routine that might actually produce some results. It was here that I was introduced to Cameron, a hyperkinetic individual who really, really likes to talk about working out & eating right (I know this because he told me so). Imagine, if you will, a terrible accident in a cloning lab that inadvertently combined the DNA of Ty Pennington & Ryan Reynolds & you’d have Cameron.

So, after talking about what I was looking to achieve & what I’d been doing up to now, Cameron gave me the following workout routine, which I started tonight:

• Lunges – 5 each leg
• Chest press – 8-12 repetitions (or ‘reps’, as all the cool kids are calling it these days)
• Pulldown – 8-12 reps (check me out! I’m hip, yo!)
• Upper back – 8-12 reps
• Leg press – 8-12 reps
• Ab curl – 8-12 reps

“Do this for six weeks,” he said, “& you’ll be a machine!”

Yep, you read that right – a machine, baby! I can see it now:

Women will swoon & want me, but, alas, can never have me. Unable to get my machine-esque figure out of their heads, they will all shave their heads & become lesbians or join a convent.

Men will be jealous of my machine-like physique, but, alas, will leave the gym, despondent, once the realization sets in that they can try all want, but will never achieve my level of machineinessosity & will have no alternative but to cry like girlie-men into a carton of Ben & Jerry’s.

Children will speak in hushed tones as they pass my home.

The Boy’s friends will think he’s the coolest kid at school, simply because of my machine-like awesomeness.

Animals will burst into song at the mere mention of my name & will create clothing for me out of the finest linens, gold thread & blue bird slobber.

World leaders will ask my advice on foreign policy & whether or not Canada should just give up the façade & become the 51st state, North North Dakota.

Tom will beg me to be his friend on MySchpace.

Dave Coulier will return my calls.

Yes, Loyal Readers, all of these things will come to pass…

…just as soon as the spasms in my arms stop, I cease dry heaving & I can get up off the floor without assistance.

Insert Witty Title Here

Was that an actual tumbleweed that just rolled past? I mean, it hasn’t been that long since I posted, has it? It’s only November, after all.

What’s that? January? 2008? Are you sure?

Jumpin’ Judas on a pogo stick! How long have I been gone?

Lessee – what’s happened since November 12^th? Hmm…well, we had one of T’s friends spend about a week with us & did the usual Hollywood/Beverly Hills/Santa Monica pier routine. Oh, & we also went to the Griffith Observatory, where Jersey Girl (T’s friend) was told by a pimply faced representative of the Observatory to extinguish her cigarette or face a $1200 fine. Her argument that she could smoke where she wants in Jersey were countered with a friendly reminder that the hills all around Griffith had recently burned & the management really didn’t want a repeat of that as they’d just finished refurbishing the place.

You can imagine how well that went over.

Shortly after that came Thanksgiving. This year, it seems that everyone in the family had somewhere else to be. So, T, The Boy, my mom & I made reservations at a restaurant in Oak Glen & had one of the best Thanksgiving dinners ever, with turkey, ham, veggies, bread & desert (there was so much food that they had to serve it on multiple plates).

And there was ZERO clean-up, to boot! Score!

Capping off the Month o’ Company, T’s parents came out here to celebrate Thanksmas. It was nice to not have to travel this year, but by the time they’d left, I was interested in finally having the house back to normal, without the extra bodies roaming about.

While they were here, though, we went down to the San Diego Natural History Museum to see the Dead Sea Scrolls exhibit.

Along with 50,000 other people.

Imagine, if you will, trying to look at a piece of paper the size of a tooth with an indecipherable language written on it, from about 15 feet away, over the heads of 20 other people, including the one moron who feels the need to get 2 inches from the tooth sized item & inspect it for an hour.

Lather, rinse, repeat 30 times.

To say that the exhibit was a bit of a letdown would be a massive understatement. SDNHM, if any of your representatives should ever stumble across this little missive, let me offer this bit of advice: offer guided tours of no more than 40 people through the exhibit at a time. This will keep the flow of bodies moving & make for a far more enjoyable experience. Arming me with a speaker shaped like a paddle & turning me loose in a crowd is a bad, bad idea.

Now, this is not to say that the whole museum was a bust. Oh, no. Quite the contrary. You see, while all 49,995 of the other people were herded into the Dead Sea Scrolls exhibit, The Boy & I found that the rest of the museum was quite sparsely populated & a lot of fun to explore. And the Natural History Museum is not the only museum on the site. There’s a photography museum, an art museum, a model railroad museum – simply too much to take in in a day.

A few days after the in-laws left, The Boy had his first band concert. Although I couldn’t see him from where I was sitting, I got some good pictures of the top of his baritone. His band did very well for being a first year class. The 5^th & 6^th graders, on the other hand…remember the ghoul band from “The Nightmare Before Christmas,” when they try to play “Jingle Bells” & it sounds like a funeral dirge? That’s exactly what they sounded like. Their saving grace was one little trumpeter with a red horn. He got up there, be-bopped around & played his heart out. They all were trying, but he totally stole the show.

That next weekend, T & I attended the Company party. It was a nice excuse to get dressed up for the evening, although it was hard to identify anyone I knew from work, as I seldom see any of them in anything dressier than a shirt & jeans. The party had a casino-night theme &, since we were given $1000 in play money, I had no problem betting aggressively (read: stupidly) in Blackjack. As it was the first time T & I’d played the game, it was fortunate that we had a dealer who not only showed us the ropes, but also gave us hints as to when to hit & when to stay. A lot of fun was had, but, alas, we once again walked away empty handed. T & I have yet to win any kind of raffle or drawing.

*sigh* I was so looking forward to a new mp3 player.

The week before Christmas, Miguelito gave me two gifts: the first, a mega-cool Darth Vader lightsaber, perfect for keeping the office in line without leaving bruises; the second gift was the Filipino Flu. As I’d planned to take the whole week of Christmas off & Civ my brains out & ended up spending it in bed, you can imagine my joy in receiving that particular gift. Nothing says “Happy Holidays” like a fever & snot.

I promised Miguelito that there would be swift & severe retribution for ruining my week. I daresay I’ve not failed to follow through on that promise.

I learned a couple of things during that time: one would be to read the friggin’ label on the bottle of Ny-Quil. While just about any type of Ny-Quil will knock you out for a few hours, the kind that does not contain acetaminophen will do nothing to help break a fever. Another would be that they warn you on the bottle not to take the medication for too long for a reason. Not being a drinker, my tolerance for alcohol, even the tiny bit in Ny-Quil, is understandably low. To this very day, a full week since my last dose, I’m still having trouble remembering things. It feels like someone replaced my frontal lobe with a baggie full of wet sand. T thinks I’m just being my usual lazy, procrastinating self, but, the truth is, I can’t get my mind to function properly.

What was that? “Since when has that been a problem?”

Oh, real funny.

We rang in the New Year with some friends of ours at their house, where we spent the evening eating, chatting & playing Balderdash. For those of you not familiar with the game, it goes something like this: one person chooses a word from a card & the rest of the group write the definition that they think is right. Then, the reader reads the definitions & everyone votes on which one they think is correct. I lost, but I think I had the most fun, making up the most inane definitions for the words given. For instance, who knew that a ‘nurdle’ was a term used in Tiddlywinks & not a terribly unpopular, socially inept, but computer savvy, turtle?

Actually, I did. Big surprise there…

So, there you have it – the past couple of months. I’ll bet it was every bit as exciting as you thought it’d be, right?

Right?

*crickets chirping*

Oh, whatever…

My MP3 Player Is Having A Crisis

The following is a transcript of a talk I had with my MP3 player, Thing_2, this morning:

Me: Good morning, Thing.
Thing: Is This It? (1)
Me: Uh...what do you mean?
Thing: Stand By Me (2)
Me: Um...OK. Sure.
Thing: You Wear It Well (3)
Me: Why, thank you. I just got this shirt last weekend.
Thing: I'll Stand By You (4)
Me: That's awfully nice of you.
Thing: Goodbye Stranger (5)
Me: What? Wait - I thought you were going to stand by me. Where are you going?
Thing: Heaven, Hell or Houston (6)
Me: OK - interesting itinerary...
Thing: Talk Dirty To Me (7)
Me: Uh...no.
Thing: Negasonic Teenage Warhead (8)
Me: Hey, let's not start with the name calling!
Thing: Rhinosaur (9)
Me: Now, cut that out! Let's try to steer this conversation back into friendly territory. Have you seen any good movies lately?
Thing: Fame (10)
Me: What a feelin', huh? Actually, I've never seen that one. Not my bag, baby.
Thing: No Excuses (11)
Me: No, really. Just not big on musicals & dancing.
Thing: You Take My Breath Away (12)
Me: Um...you're very nice, too.
Thing: Come Dancing (13)
Me: Sorry, I'm not much of a dancer.
Thing: Serenade (14)
Me: What, exactly, are you getting at, Thing?
Thing: I Love Rock N' Roll (15)
Me: Quit changing the subject!
Thing: Strangelove (16)
Me: Wha?
Thing: Fake Friends (17)
Me: No, Thing. I am your friend. Really. Anyway, let's play a game. Let's find out your pr0n star name, OK? Your last name would be the name of the street you grew up on. What was that?
Thing: Fascination Street (18)
Me: And your first name would be the name of your family pet.
Thing: Louie Louie (19)
Me: So, your name would be Louie Fascination. OK, that didn't turn out as funny as I'd hoped. Whatever. Oh, I'm such a bad host - I didn't ask if I could get you anything.
Thing: Coffee & TV (20)
Me: OK. Anything else?
Thing: Let's Dance (21)
Me: I've already told you, Thing, I'm not into dancing.
Thing: Reason (22)
Me: I'm just not very coordinated.
Thing: Amateur (23)
Me: Oh, way worse than that.
Thing: Have A Cigar (24)
Me: Thanks, Thing, but I don't smoke.
Thing: I Summon You (25)
Me: No, Thing, I do not want a cigar!
Thing: There There (26)
Me: Sorry. I guess I got a little worked up there.
Thing: Get Over It (27)
Me: Hey, now...
Thing: I Touch Myself (28)
Me: Dude, I so did not want to know that...
Thing: Do Ya Think I'm Sexy? (29)
Me: Um...You're very nice looking, as far as small electronics go.
Thing: Creep (30)
Me: Hey! You asked me!
Thing: No Surprises (31)
Me: What's that supposed to mean?
Thing: Wish You Were Here (32)
Me: Thing, I'm right in front of you. Let's try to get this conversation back on topic - any topic! I'm thinking about taking a trip to Constantinople some time...
Thing: Istanbul (Not Constantinople) (33)
Me: Oh yeah. They changed the name a few years back, didn't they?
Thing: Loser (34)
Me: Stop that! I'm nice to you - I keep fresh batteries on hand; got you a cozy little protective case...
Thing: Save Me (35)
Me: Why? What's wrong?
Thing: Insane In The Brain (36)
Me: Well, that explains a lot about this conversation. Hey, I'm booking us a room for our next trip. Any preferences as to where to stay?
Thing: Hotel California (37)
Me: Nah. I've heard checking out's a bear.
Thing: Stupid Girl (38)
Me: Hey, I'm neither of those!
Thing: Crazy (39)
Me: I'm thinking that describes you more than me, my friend.
Thing: Simple Man (40)
Me: OK, that's enough! One more time & I'm gonna start using those cheapie Ray-O-Vac batteries in you!
Thing: Last Nite (41)
Me: What about it?
Thing: Love (42)
Me: Do I really want to hear about this?
Thing: So Lonely (43)
Me: Sounds like a personal problem.
Thing: Hold My Hand (44)
Me: Um...you don't have any.
Thing: Am I Evil? (45)
Me: No, Thing, not at all. You just lack appendages. There are a lot of people out there without hands. The inability to operate a doorknob does not make one evil.
Thing: Heart & Soul (46)
Me: Yes. That's what makes a person a person. Hands are just a perk.
Thing: Stop (47)
Me: Sorry, Thing. I was just trying to make you feel better.
Thing: Say It Isn't So (48)
Me: What, Thing?
Thing: Cry (49)
Me: Aw, Thing, don't cry. You'll short yourself out.
Thing: Don't Stand So Close To Me (50)
Me: Sorry. I'll give you a little space.
Thing: Every Time You Go Away (51)
Me: You're sending mixed signals, Thing. Do you want me to go or not?
Thing: They Don't Know (52)
Me: Who? What are you talking about?
Thing: 2+2=5 (53)
Me: What's wrong with you? Are your batteries going out?
Thing: Keep Talking (54)
Me: Alright. Um...lessee...this past weekend, we went to the Griffith Observatory, then to Hollywood & then to dinner on the pier at Santa Monica...
Thing: Why Can't I Be You (55)
Me: Aren't you happy being you?
Thing: Is She Really Going Out With Him? (56)
Me: Is that what this is all about? A girl? Is that why you've been so needy & clingy?
Thing: I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues (57)
Me: It's OK. How are you feeling right now?
Thing: Constant Craving (58)
Me: Hmm...what did you think when you first met her?
Thing: The Search Is Over (59)
Me: Aw, that's sweet. What kind of work were you doing at the time? What was your job title?
Thing: DJ (60)
Me: Oh yeah - chicks dig DJ's. How'd things go when you started seeing each other?
Thing: Touch & Go (61)
Me: And later?
Thing: Heavenly (62)
Me: That doesn't sound so bad. Where'd you go on your first date?
Thing: In Your Room (63)
Me: Wow. I suddenly feel the need to change the sheets on my bed. What'd you do later?
Thing: Learn To Fly (64)
Me: You took flying lessons? How...um...romantic?
Thing: Crazy Little Thing Called Love (65)
Me: Uh...yeah. It’ll make you do some weird things. Did you ever just spend nights in, just watching TV? What was your favorite show?
Thing: Heroes (66)
Me: Cool! Mine, too!
Thing: Wise Up (67)
Me: Talking to you is like riding in a car with a beginner driver...
Thing: If I Ever Lose My Faith In You (68)
Me: See? That's what I'm talking about! Back to the topic at hand: did you watch anything else?
Thing: Twilight Zone (69)
Me: Interesting taste in shows. By the way, what was her name?
Thing: Maggie May (70)
Me: That's a nice name. Did you have a favorite place to go when not watching TV? A favorite restaurant, perhaps?
Thing: Sunset Grill (71)
Me: Oh yeah - I've heard they make a mean fajita. So, you dated for a while. What was your impression of her towards the end?
Thing: Stone Cold Crazy (72)
Me: Ooo, been there, done that, my friend. I know you're still a bit torn up about the whole thing, but, have you tried seeing anyone else, even if it's just a rebound kinda thing?
Thing: Stacy's Mom (73)
Me: Yeah, she's got it goin' on. Is there anything you can say that you learned from you brief relationship with Maggie May?
Thing: Don't Look Back In Anger (74)
Me: Sage advice, my friend. Sage advice. Anyway, other than Stacy's mom, are there any other prospects?
Thing: Living Dead Girl (75)
Me: Oh. I didn't know you were into the Goth look...
Thing: Super Freak (76)
Me: You'd better be careful with that one.
Thing: Love Hurts (77)
Me: I know it does, Thing, but you'll be alright. Things look dark now, but they'll get better. I promise. The memory of Maggie May...
Thing: Still Remains (78)
Me: Well, I'm sure it does, but what I was going to say was that the memories will fade soon.
Thing: Lovefool (79)
Me: Don't be so hard on yourself, Thing. We all go a little crazy over someone sometimes. Maybe I can help you out a bit. Being a DJ seemed to help you with the ladies. What other jobs have you had in the past?
Thing: Piano Man (80)
Me: Really? I would've never guessed it, what with having no hands & all. How long did you do that?
Thing: 14 Years (81)
Me: How'd that pan out, ladies-wise? What kind of women go for a handless piano player?
Thing: Crazy Babies (82)
Me: Really?
Thing: Truly, Truly (83)
Me: So, why'd you decide to quit that line of work?
Thing: Changes (84)
Me: What'd you do when you landed the DJ gig?
Thing: Jump Around (85)
Me: That's impressive, considering you have no legs. What'd you feel?
Thing: Joy (86)
Me: That's nice. Hey, it's getting late. Do you want to go do anything?
Thing: Take Me Out (87)
Me: OK. Just let me call T; she might like to go along...
Thing: Just The Two Of Us (88)
Me: Uh, let me check with her, anyway. Is there anything in particular you want to do?
Thing: Rock This Town (89)
Me: I see - looking to sow a few oats, eh? Anyone in particular you're looking for (wink, wink)?
Thing: Sheep (90)
Me: Uh...sheep? Do I want to know what for?
Thing: Master & Servant (91)
Me: I shouldn't have asked. Is there actually a place where you would find sheep for that purpose?
Thing: Feel Good Inc. (92)
Me: Do they have anything else there that's not so nauseating?
Thing: Sexy Hypnotist (93)
Me: Hmm...anything else?
Thing: The Rover (94)
Me: Ugh...no more, please.
Thing: We Belong (95)
Me: You might, my friend. Not me.
Thing: My Darling (96)
Me: I told you to quit calling me that!
Thing: Mr. Jones (97)
Me: That, too!
Thing: Ruby Soho (98)
Me: OK, that's it - I've asked you time & again to quit with the names! I'm going to go now.
Thing: Kiss & Say Goodbye (99)
Me: How about a firm handshake? Oh yeah – I forgot the whole ‘hands’ issue…


(1) The Strokes; (2) Ben E. King; (3) Rod Stewart; (4) The Pretenders; (5) Supertramp; (6) ZZ Top; (7) Poison; (8) Monster Magnet; (9) Soundgarden; (10) David Bowie; (11) Alice In Chains; (12) Eva Cassidy; (13) The Kinks; (14) Steve Miller Band; (15) Joan Jett & The Blackhearts; (16) Depeche Mode; (17) Joan Jett & The Blackhearts; (18) The Cure; (19) The Kingsmen; (20) Blur; (21) David Bowie; (22) Hoobastank; (23) Aimee Mann; (24) Pink Floyd; (25) Spoon; (26) Radiohead; (27) OK Go; (28) The Divinyls; (29) Rod Stewart; (30) Radiohead; (31) Radiohead; (32) Pink Floyd; (33) They Might Be Giants; (34) Beck; (35) Remy Zero; (36) Cypress Hill; (37) The Eagles; (38) Garbage; (39) Gnarls Barkley; (40) Lynyrd Skynynd; (41) The Strokes; (42) Sixpence None The Richer; (43) The Police; (44) Hootie & The Blowfish; (45) Metallica; (46) Huey Lewis & The News; (47) Jane’s Addiction; (48) Hall & Oates; (49) Faith Hill; (50) The Police; (51) Paul Young; (52) Tracy Ullman; (53) Radiohead; (54) Pink Floyd; (55) The Cure; (56) Joe Jackson; (57) Elton John; (58) kd lang; (59) Survivor; (60) David Bowie; (61) The Cars; (62) Grant-Lee Phillips; (63) The Bangles; (64) Foo Fighters; (65) Queen; (66) David Bowie; (67) Aimee Mann; (68) Sting; (69) Golden Earring; (70) Rod Stewart; (71) Don Henley; (72) Queen; (73) Fountains Of Wayne; (74) Oasis; (75) Rob Zombie; (76) Rick James; (77) Nazareth; (78) Stone Temple Pilots; (79)The Cardigans; (80) Billy Joel; (81) Guns n’ Roses; (82) Ozzy Osbourne; (83) Grant Lee Buffalo; (84) David Bowie; (85) House Of Pain; (86) Tim Hughes; (87) Franz Ferdinand; (88) Bill Withers & Grover Washington, Jr.; (89) The Stray Cats; (90) Pink Floyd; (91) Depeche Mode; (92) Gorillaz; (93) Luscious Jackson; (94) Led Zeppelin; (95) Pat Benatar; (96) Wilco; (97) Counting Crows; (98) Rancid; (99) The Manhattans

Check It Out!

Waaaaaay back in March, I set up my own B-Movie site, Películas Peculiares (Spanish for "peculiar movies"). It's not much (the first two reviews are from here), but it's a start. To commemorate the grand unveiling, I've actually put up a new, never before seen review. Hopefully, I'll shake the dust off of some of the dozen or so reviews in various stages of completion & post them, as well.

Go on - check it out! See what a site looks like before its author slacks off on the postings!

Because I'm Flaky Like That, Yo!

I saw the MI:5 thing over at Amy's about a zillion years ago & signed up to join in the weekly fun.

Since then, I've done one. I think.

So, in an attempt to shake off some of my flaky crust, I've decided not only to participate in this week's (lucky you!), but to also try to catch up with a few of the previous weeks questions. So, for your reading enjoyment, here you go.

Last week

No real theme:

1. Do you like roller coasters? If you do what is your favorite part? If you don't? Why not?
I love, love, LOVE roller coasters! The speed, the loops, the feeling of impending death - it's all good, my friends.

2. What is your favorite traditional treat you find in a Halloween bag?
Hmm...Reese's are always good. Kit Kats, too. My favorite hard candies, though, are jaw breakers. Yummy yummy yummy...

3. When was the last time you went to the dentist? Was it routine or was something bothering you?
I dunno. Probably my last check up. Which was for, in dental parlance, a check up.

4. What was the last book you read that you would recommend?
Honestly, I have about a dozen books in various stages of completion (the Lord of the Rings trilogy, Lake Wobegon Days, Fahrenheit 451, The Lost World [the old Sir Arthur Conan Doyle one], Edgar Allan Poe's writings, etc.). The amazing thing is that I can pick up any one of those & start off right where I left with little or no having to go back & refresh myself on the story. Simply amazing, I tell ya.

5. What is the theme song to your life right now?
Usually "I'm Too Sexy" because, well, I am.



The Weeks Beyond

I tried to come up with a "theme" but nothing came to me. The following are just some random thoughts/questions.

1. Hectic and crazy are often how we describe our daily lives. If you had to pick the moment of each day that you felt the most serene, when would that be?
Lunch time, when I work the late shift (my cellmates go to lunch at noon, leaving me able to listen to my MP3's & be generally unaccosted) & on the drive home.

Well, when the Moron Patrol isn't driving 15 miles under the speed limit with their blinker on.

2. What “habit” has been the most difficult for you to give up? Why do you think it’s been so difficult for you?
The oxygen habit. Try as I might, my body just can't get enough of the schtuff.

3. If you could relieve your spouse (friend, family member, significant other) of one burden in life, what you take away?
Hmm...having to work, instead of working simply because they wanted to.

4. If a psychic offered to tell you anything you wanted to know about your life, what is the thing you would least like to know?
Um...wha? Are we talking about things in my past? Because I really don't need a psychic to tell me that.

5. What has been the hardest transition you have had to make in life? And how did you do it – what helped?
These things are making my head hurt. Next...

Bonus Question – How about those Red Sox! Are you a true blue fan, loyal through the ups and downs? Or do you follow them only if they are in the World Series?
Honestly, I didn't even know the Series had ended until a week later. How's that for a guy whose father lived & breathed the sport? I'm a bad, bad son.

***

I have a suggestion for the 5 if no one has jumped on it yet - If someone has - tuck it in the *In case of emergency* MI5 file.

1. What story are you writing with your life right now?
A cautionary pamphlet entitled "Things You Shouldn't Stick Your Finger In."

2. If you could ask God for one thing, what would it be?
Idiot Repellent.

3. What does your heart long to be involved in?
Wow...that's deep. Unfortunately, I'm not at this time. Next...

4. It is said you learn something new everyday. What are some things you’d like to learn to enrich your life?
The lyrics to 'Louie, Louie.'

5. Everyone has a mantra even if they don't outwardly express it - time to make yours public
"Why the heck do morons congregate around me?" Wait - that's more of a question than a mantra, isn't it?

I guess "Kill 'em all & let God sort it out" would work.

Why are you all looking at me like that?

***

(Sorry this is so early! I’m going to be away more than I am going to be home next week, so I’m sending this now while I’m thinking about it. (Just for clarification: Jim’s MI-5 are for TODAY, my MI-5 are for next Friday, October 5.)

As I am away traveling this week, I thought I would do a little “Travel MI-5”.

1. My sweetie and I are going to Bar Harbor on an overnight. If you were to plan a realistic overnight getaway for your sweetie or a best friend, what would it be? Where would you go? Where would you stay? Where would you eat? Any special activities?
Geez, that's all five questions in one!

1a Well, if it's a realistic overnight getaway, then I guess the answer would be a realistic overnight getaway.

1b Probably up the coast a bit.

1c In a low cost, but, hopefully, roach free travel lodge.

1d At a restaurant, most likely.

1e Nunya bee's wax, mister.

2. My family and I are going to Virginia for a long-weekend. If you were to plan a realistic long-weekend getaway for your immediate family, what would it be? Where would you go? Where would you stay? Where would you eat? Any special activities?
Waitaminute...didn't I just see these questions?

3. Have you ever read a novel set in an exotic locale? If so, tell us a little about it. Would you like to visit there?
As Middle Earth doesn't seem to have any running water or shower facilities, I'd have to say, no.

4. When I go away, I really look forward to eating at restaurants that are not here where I live (Golden Corral, Sonic & Cracker Barrel). Are there similar restaurants that you like to frequent when you are away?
Mmm...Sonic.

5. I have only been to one Broadway show (“Cats”), and I would like to go to another. However, it would consist of quite a bit of travel to get there. Since I probably won’t be attending anytime soon, tell me something about a Broadway show. Have you ever been to one? Have you heard about one that peaks your interest? Is there a Broadway show that has music of which you are particularly fond? Do you hate even the thought of Broadway? Why?
Let's try the 'Question 1' approach again, shall we?

5a I don't know of any.

5b No.

5c Nope.

5d Not so much.

5e I really don't have an opinion one way or the other.

5f Because I have never taken the time to formulate one.

Lessons Learned

"Exactly how 'roughing it' is this trip going to be?" asked T one night.

"It'll be fine. It'll be an adventure! I mean, what could possibly happen?" I replied.

Lesson Learned #1: Never, ever ask that question.

The trip to our campsite, located just outside of Independence, CA (Population: 534), was a pleasant, uneventful trip. We caravanned up with another couple & their daughter & grandkids (who referred to me as 'Mr. J' the whole weekend - T was referred to as 'Mrs. J', 'Ms. T' &, inexplicably, 'Ms. 10' & then 'Ms. 8' [she'd been demoted for some reason]) & made our way up the 395, through the Owens Valley &, finally, at about 530p, to our site in Gray's Meadow, which, being located on the arid side of the Sierra Nevada’s, was neither particularly gray nor very meadow-ish. So much for truth-in-advertising.

We unloaded the vehicles & began to set up camp. Our hosts told us that, in addition to reserving the site & providing all of our food for the next couple days, they also had a tent we could use.

Lesson Learned #2: Whoever designed our tent & decided that it could hold three people was being woefully optimistic. Or smoked crack regularly.

Having the car parked right next to us was nice, as we had all of our schtuff right at hand & didn't have to haul everything out. Which was really good, as we didn't have room to turn around in the tent, much less have a duffle bag big enough to carry a human body in there with us. We inflated our mattress & then went over to the main part of the site that would wind up being our kitchen/dining area/living room & proceeded to have the first of many tasty meals, again, provided by our gracious hosts. After cleaning up, we retired to the fire ring on our side & chatted a bit before hitting the sack. We crawled into our spacious accommodations & drifted off to sleep.

Lesson Learned #3: Purchase our own tent before we go camping again.

We awoke a couple hours later to horrendous pain in our shoulders & hips. This was due largely to the fact that, over the course of that short amount of time, our mattress had deflated & we were lying on the ground.

Lesson Learned #4: Test out your air mattress for leaks by sleeping on it at home before you take it out to the middle of nowhere. It's better than finding out in the middle of the night. Trust me.

We attempted to inflate the mattress again, but to no avail; our mattress had gone to Inflatable Mattress Heaven. In between rolling around, aching, hurting, swearing under my breath & dozing off, T had to use the l'il girl's room - at least 40 times (though, she'll say it was only twice).

Lesson Learned #5: When choosing a camp site, keep in mind the size of your wife's bladder versus the distance to the bathroom.

As it was dark & we were in "Active Bear Country," I escorted T to the facilities. I assured her that if a bear came charging out of the woods, I'd run & get help as fast as I could. She didn't find the humor in that. I didn't find the humor in being awakened from what little sleep I could get whilst laying on terra extra firma. I'd say we were even.

Returning to the tent, I proceeded to make an attempt at softening things up a bit, all the while telling myself "It's an adventure...it's an adventure...it's an adventure." I finally got our accommodations as comfortable as I could & tried to go to sleep. Unfortunately, I had Toby Keith's "Who's That Man Running My Life" (or whatever it's called) stuck in my head & kept pondering how in the world Mr. Keith expected me to feel sorry for his predicament when, according to the lyrics, he up & left his family & never bothered coming back. Then, when he did come back, he just ended up hanging out outside the house, whining & moping about not seeing your kids. Cripes, he even left the dog! What kind of country singer is he?!?

Anyway, after spending the better part of an hour alternating between the stupidity of a Toby Keith song & debating whether or not to just climb into the car & call it a night, I finally fell asleep by amusing myself with changing some of the lyrics to the song (don't ask). Five minutes later, the sun was up.

Lesson Learned #6: Toby Keith has no one to blame but himself.

Packing a change of clothes & my toiletries into my backpack, I headed to the bathroom to freshen up for the day. Unfortunately, the sink only had one spigot - the cold one. Taking a deep breath, I poured the coldest water I have ever felt over my head. Immediately, the fuzziness from the previous night's lack of sleep changed to such a startling clarity with a ferocity that quite nearly knocked me backwards. I was more awake than I'd ever been in my life.

I returned to the camp, trying to shake off the self-induced instant hypothermia. T asked me if I'd help her with washing her hair, to which I agreed. Apparently learning from my stupidity, she grabbed a pitcher full of hot water that was being heated up to do the dishes later.

Yeah. I'm a bright one, all right.

Anyway, as I have short, spiky hair, I can get away with a towel drying & some hair goop. T, on the other hand, has longer, fine hair that requires a bit more attention. She needs things like a brush & hairspray & a blow dryer.

Lesson Learned #7: A 2006 PT Cruiser can be turned into a 150hp, 4 cylinder hairdryer. Just turn the heater up on 'high.'

While we were cleaning up camp after breakfast, I experienced the first of many assaults on my person by Nature, as I felt what I at first thought was a large bug nailing me on the top of my head. That would've been preferable to what it really was. It turns out that, out of the acres upon acres of wilderness that surrounded us, a bird decided to drop its load right where I was standing (the first of two times). The real kicker is that I wasn't even under a tree - I was out in the open!

After cleaning up, we headed toward town to go hunt down a replacement mattress for us. On the way to Lone Pine, we stopped by the Manzanar Japanese Internment Camp, a sobering reminder that our country is capable of some incredible acts of stupidity. To hear the stories of these people - American citizens, no less - that had everything taken from them & were imprisoned, under the "this is for your protection" guise makes some of the things that the government is currently pulling on us all the more concerning. I'm not some conspiracy theory wing nut, but I do believe that history can repeat itself for those who don't learn from the past.

/soapbox

After that somber trip through history, we made our way to Lone Pine, which, despite being a town of about 7 people, has three sporting goods stores. The first (&, as it turned out, only) establishment that we entered was a sporting goods/hardware store that looked as if someone took every item that they thought that anyone might want, stuck them in a building, then shook the building, mixing everything up with no rhyme or reason.

Lesson Learned #8: Be very specific when air mattress shopping. There is a difference between a camping mattress (which basically amounts to a pool floatation mattress) & an air mattress.

Twenty minutes later & nearly $70 lighter, we left with a box full of the hope of a good night's sleep. We returned to camp &, after lunch, I set about inflating our new mattress.

Lesson Learned #9: Wal-Mart's Ozark Trail brand of outdoor equipment sucks. How did I come to this conclusion? The piece of crap first mattress, a folding pocket knife that wouldn't lock in the closed position (leading to, I'm sure, a wonderful stab to the leg at some point) & the later discovery that our host's tent ripped when it was pulled a little more that the stitching could handle (which wasn't much) have all left a bitter taste. We'll be sticking with Coleman from now on, thank you.

T & the others piled into the cars & headed to another site about 3,000 feet higher than we were. I opted to give the new mattress a spin by taking a nap. Ah, & what a glorious nap it was! While I nodded ("nearly napping..."), I got the first hint at the weather that was about to make its presence known, as several gusts blew through the area. I thought at one point I'd open the tent flaps & find a dead witch underneath it & a bunch of freaky midgets poking out of the foliage. After that, it started to sprinkle. Fortunately, our tent wasn't an Ozark Trail product (see Lesson Learned #9) & it held up quite well.

The others returned eventually & we closed out our last evening with a good dinner, a campfire & s'mores.

Lesson Learned #10: Nature hates me.

I learned the previous lesson at about midnight, when not only did the gusty, Wizard of Oz type wind start back up, it also started to - you guessed it - rain. T yelled out to God, saying "All right! We get it! We're not supposed to be out here!", while I started laughing at the thought that, if it rained hard enough, at least our mattress was holding up & we could stay afloat on it.

Lesson Learned #11: Nylon is not only waterproof, it also has amazing water absorbing abilities.

Once again, T had to go use the facilities. This was where the rather small dimensions of our tent really made themselves known. For, you see, there wasn't enough room for us to comfortably put our shoes on & trying to exit the tent by standing up (instead of the tried & true method of crawling out on all fours, due to the soggy ground) proved to be an exercise in balance, contortion & coordination. Fortunately, we were both able to get out of the tent without divorcing.

We crawled back in &, as our wonderful mattress was holding up (thank you, Coleman Company!), we soon were on our way back to Dreamland.

Upon waking up a little while later, I put my hand on my pillow to adjust it a bit & found it to be wet. A quick feel of the sleeping bag that was up against the tent elicited the same result.

Lesson Learned #12: Don't put your bedding up against water saturated nylon.

We were met the next morning by a beautiful, blue sky & snow dusted mountain tops just a few thousand feet above us. It was the first clean air we'd breathed in a week, due to the 2007 SoCal Marshmallow Roast going on all around us. We went down to the creek & poked around a bit & I followed some deer tracks up a hill until my innate dislike of being bitten by a rattlesnake kept me from following further through the brush. Not that there was a rattlesnake; I just wasn't going to chance it, given Lesson Learned #10. We returned to camp, wrung out our gear & set to the task of loading up the cars. A short time later, we said our goodbyes over lunch & then made our way back home.

When we got back closer to home, we stopped at Rubio's (we had a hankerin' for some fish tacos & chicken burritos). Neither of us being springtime fresh, T was concerned that we might run into someone she knew from work. I jokingly told her that Rubio's is the one place where I will almost always run into someone from work.

It was then that we ran into Scooter from my department.

Lesson Learned #13: Sometimes, it's just better to shut up.

So, we survived. We weren't eaten by bears or trapped & forced to live off the carcasses of our dead co-campers. No poison berries were consumed. I daresay we did pretty well for our first time out.

And we learned a lot, too.

Silly Things

I keep staring at the monitor, but nothing happens. Maybe if I try looking intently at the keyboard…

Nope. Nothing.

Why was I blessed with such incredibly good looks instead of telekinesis? Why couldn’t I have both, maybe with a bit of independent wealth thrown into the mix? Oh well. Can’t have it all, I suppose.

Guess I’ll have to use my fingers instead.

The other day, I was talking to my older sister, trying to finalize the headcount for Birthapalooza 36 next Sunday (count so far: Me, T, The Boy, & my mom – a rowdy bunch we are). She informed me that, sadly, she would be otherwise engaged next weekend & would be unable to make it (apparently, seeing Genesis at the Hollywood Bowl trumps seeing your brother’s slide down the downhill side towards 40). Stifling a sniffle & trying my best to not let on how utterly crushed I was that she’d rather spend her time watching a pasty, balding Englishman try to recapture his former glory, I told her that it was OK, that, barring being hit by a bus, the invitation was open for next year. This led to the following topic:

Do people say “barring being hit by a bus, I’ll do such & such” because the likelihood of them being hit by said bus is relatively low?

Think about it – do you ever hear someone say “If I don’t blink my eyes at some point in the interim, I’ll do such & so forth”? I mean, you really can’t do much about blinking, at some point, over the course of, say, 12 months. Being hit by a bus, on the other hand, is something that you do have a bit of control over. Unless the bus is a stealth bus, you usually will see one coming in your direction, giving you enough time to move out of its way. Maybe if you’re particularly dense, you might stand a better chance of being hit, in which case, do the gene pool a favor & stay right where you are. Not to take anything away from those poor souls who have accidentally been hit by a bus; it just seems like when you use that as a potential out for doing something in the future, you’re aiming kind of low. (Although, imagine the irony if you actually were hit by a bus at some time. I mean, after your bones mend & all, of course.)

We went on to discover that there are other things that have an even lower chance of happening & thus keeping one from making it to their little brother’s birthday, such as being eaten by a shark. Living about 70 miles inland from the Pacific, I feel confident that, on an average day, the odds of me meeting & being consumed by a great white are low. In fact, I actually do have a better chance of being hit by a bus.

This issue went further when we considered that the likelihood of being run over by a bus driven by a great white was even lower than being attacked by a shark in the middle of the Mojave Desert. We did determine, though, that, while buses do not have a mouth &, by default, lack teeth, you could still get your hand ‘eaten’ if you stuck it in the engine while it was running, in which case, please see my comment about doing the gene pool a favor.

So, here’s the ranking of things that might keep one from joining their youngest brother on his birthday next year, from highest to lowest:

Being hit by a bus

Being eaten by a great white shark

Being eaten by a bus

Being hit by a bus driven by a great white