Why I Should Never Cook Without Supervision

Saturday, as I was blipping around the channels, I happened upon some woman on the Food Network making chili. I said to myself "That looks good, & easy to boot!" So, last night I attempted to repeat the recipe from memory.

What I remembered:

Ground turkey, browned

Canned tomatoes, squished by hand

Tomato paste (had to use tomato sauce instead)

Black beans

Flour, to thicken the sauce (we didn't have any maza)

What I added to the mix:

Salt

Pepper

Garlic

Red pepper

What I thought was chili powder

Raise your hand if you can tell me where this is going.

As I browned the meat, I added the spices. After I added the tomatoes, I added some more of the spices. At about this time, The Boy came up to me & asked why the chili smelled like cinnamon. I figured it was just that I had the spice cabinet open & he was smelling what was in there. It was then that the startling realization hit me like a fastball to the groin - the bottle that I had thought contained California chili powder instead was filled with - yes - cinnamon.

In an attempt to make the chili taste less like French toast (& determined not to waste a pound of ground turkey), I added more red pepper. This only served to make the chili taste like French toast made with Red Hots. More garlic worked about as well. About the only thing that helped at all was adding cheese to the concoction after I dished some up (Cheese! Is there nothing you can't make taste better?). All in all, it wasn't unedible, but, I strongly suspect that "French chili" won't be found on many dinner (or breakfast) menus anytime soon.

The lesson learned: Label your plain glass spice jars. Barring that, taste the spice before adding copious amounts of it to your dish.

Mini Review - What Lies Beneath

When this movie came on TV Saturday night & T asked if I wanted to watch it, my initial response was "Wha?". I could not for the life of me remember this move ever coming out. And while I missed a fair chunk of the middle of it (I'm a bad reviewer, I know), I can say with perfect confidence that, if the middle of the movie was anything like the end of it, I didn't miss a thing.

The gist of the movie is that Michelle Pfeiffer's character becomes sort of possessed by the spirit of a local college girl that was murdered a few years before & whose body was never found. She finds out that her husband, Harrison Ford, was having an affair with the girl at the time she disappeared. He tells her that the girl committed suicide in their house to set him up & that he took her body & dumped it (& her car) in a lake. Pfeiffer is drawn to the area near the girl's final resting place & finds a box with her necklace in it. Ford 'fesses up to the fact that he killed her to keep her from going to the dean at the college he's a professor at. Now, because Pfeiffer wouldn't just let things go, he has to off her. Several *yawn* tense scenes of him drugging her & trying to drown her in the bathtub (he was going to make it look like she did herself in by electrocuting herself in the tub) result in one of the most paint-by-numbers final confrontations seen since the equally mind numbing Sandra Bullock, er, 'thriller', "Murder By Numbers" (He's dead! No he's not! Now he is! Nope, he's alive again! Sheesh! The guy popped up more times than the lovechild of Freddy Krueger & Jason Vorhees!).

The only real draw for me was seeing Ford play a bad guy. Unfortunately, it was like watching "Temple of Doom," when Indy is temporarily possessed by Mola Ram. I kept waiting for Short Round to try to snap him out of his trance ("Docta Jones! I luf yeeew!"). I mean, I always equate him with being a hero. I guess, in a way, he's been type-cast. There are worse things to be type-cast as, but still, I can imagine that even Ford wants to expand his repetoire now & then. It just didn't work here.

The acting wasn't bad, but the lazy scripting killed off any chance of an enjoyable suspense movie.

2 out of 5 meh's

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas

During one of my frequent stretches that I perform during the day, I noticed that we still have a candy cane from last Christmas hanging up. It's a white candy cane, called a Snow Cane.

If it fell & fractured, would that make it a cracked snow cane?

Drug humor - it never goes out of style.

You've Got Some 'splainin' To Do!

This showed up in my email today:

Colloquium This Week

Abstract: Fred Mertz, Photon Research Associates, a Raytheon Company

Looks like Fred got out of the landlord business & hooked up with Raytheon.

Hope Raytheon's higher up's like having grouchy old guys barging into their offices without knocking first.

Do Something Great

I've tried to start this post about 3 times now, trying to avoid sounding like a kvetching old man, but, really, there's no 'nice' way to say it - I'm sick of hearing, seeing & reading about spoiled celebrities & there expolits (no way! Me? Wow - whodauthunkit?).

Frequently, while channel surfing, I'll hear a blurb stating something like "Coming up next, we find out who the new stud is in Mary-Kate's dogs' life!" or "TomKat - Together Town or Splitsville?". I mean, honestly - do we care about these vapid, self absorbed brats? And if so, then who are you? We need to have a talk. My favorite, though (not), is the "Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous"-type show on VH-1, hosted by some Robin Leach knock-off. Why do we idolize these people?

Now, please don't get me wrong - I don't believe that all celebrities are like this, nor do I begrudge anyone who's made it big or has amassed great wealth & fame. It's what they do with it & how they carry themselves in public that bugs me. When I hear about Lindsay Lohan partying all night or the goodie bags that stars get for showing up at a screening or awards show, with crap that's worth more than most families make in a year, I want to throw something at the TV. I mean, does Paris Hilton really need Motorola to give her a $25,000 diamond encrusted cell phone? Cripes, she'll just end up taking some compromising pictures with it & losing it, anyway.

Why do I bring all this up (again)? And what does all of this have to do with the post's title? Well, I'm glad you asked. It's depressing me that these people who, other than being able to consume copious amounts of liquor, breath the air in clubs that makes the atmosphere on Venus seem absolutely pristine & go for days without sleep, really have zero talents or skills that could be of some use to someone are the people that the public looks up to like some golden calf. I've decided that, while I'm not one of the 'beautiful people' of Hollyweird, I can still make a difference in the world. Well, my world, at least.

I want to do something great.

What might that be, you ask? Well, the beauty of this is that it can be anything - it's all relative. Think about it - if you had a $1,000,000 & gave it to a local cause, yes, that would be a great thing for them. If you brought a sandwich for & talked to the homeless guy that you pass every day on the street, he would probably see that as the highpoint of his day. Paying attention to a child who just wants to be acknowledged. Picking up some extra socks & underwear or toiletries for the local shelter. Joining up with a Habitat For Humanity outfit. Something as simple as smiling at someone who looks like they need cheering up (I know, I know..."You? Smiling at someone? Are you being medicated?" To which I reply - bite me.) Even just making even more of an effort to let those around you know that you love them. Are you catching on, yet? The thing that makes whatever one chooses to do great, though, is not that they think it's great, but that it be great for the person (or people, or charities, etc.) on the receiving end.

Now, I don't know yet what great thing I want to do. This is all just starting to formulate in my bean. T has been picking up clothes & backpaks for our youth group to distribute to homeless people in the area, but since she drops the items off at church while I'm at work, I don't really have much of a hand in things. I want to be a little more directly involved in something. I need to put some thought into this.

So, what do you think, Loyal Readers? Does this sound like a worthy cause? Can you think of great things that you can do? Let me know your thoughts on this. My site's too far under the radar to get the idea out, so pass the word around on your sites or just tell someone you know. Just think about what could be done if we all decided to do something great.

We can't let Paris & her ilk have all the fun, can we?

A Note To Exhibitionist Celebrities

Dear Scott Stapp, Kid Rock, Pamela Anderson, Colin Farrell, Paris Hilton & any other of you brainiacs with opposable thumbs & a video recorder -

STOP TAPING YOUR PRIVATE MOMENTS & THEN PITCHING A FIT WHEN THE TAPE LEAKS OUT TO THE PUBLIC!!!

Yeesh! Use a little common sense, people. And if you don't have any common sense, then buy some. Or pay someone to think for you. Just do something. Anything!

Dorks...

Sincerely,

Jay

Happy Holidays, Australia & New Zealand!

As I turned my calendar to March this morning, I noticed that Australia & New Zealand have, between the two of them, 10 holidays or days of note this month. They have the following:

3/1/06 - First Day of Autumn (AUS & NZ)

3/6/06 - Labour Day (AUS-WA)

3/13/06 - Commonwealth Day (AUS & NZ)

Labour Day (AUS-Vic)

Eight Hours Day (AUS-Tas)

Taranaki Anniversary (NZ)

3/19/06 - Daylight Saving Time ends (NZ)

3/20/06 - Canberra Day (AUS-ACT)

Otago Anniversary (NZ)

3/26/06 - Daylight Saving Time ends (AUS)

We have the following:

3/17/06 - St. Patrick's Day

So, in the month of March, Australia & New Zealand observe the changing of seasons, historical (I'm assuming) anniversaries, the working man, their countries & manmade time changes.

On the other side of the planet, we celebrate public drunkenness with green beer.

Way to go, America.

Does Not Play Well With Others

The following is a tale so chilling - so frightening - so...so...terrifying, that it is only now, some months after the events have unfolded, that the story can be told.

Alright...it's actually a post from December that I never got around to putting up.

Happy now?

Killjoys...

I've come to the conclusion that people annoy the crap out of me.

No, really.

Why are you laughing?

OK, OK...I know that my all consuming hatred deep dislike of crowds is near legendary. The fact that I hate talking to complete strangers, even for something as simple as asking what time it is (& no, this is not some macho I-don't-need-no-steeenkin'-help-from-nobody thing) is a given. That I cringe at church when they do the turn-&-greet-your-neighbor thing is pretty well known as well.

The story I'm about to relate to you this time, though, Loyal Readers, is not about a merely uncomfortable, close proximity, stuck-in-the-elevator, one-on-one situation. I'm not talking about your run-of-the-mill Market Night crowds, either. I'm talking writhing, seething, undulating masses of people. Times & places where it feels like the entire population of a decent sized metropolis has converged on the very spot that I'm standing. Allow me to elaborate.

T sent me to Maul-Mart one Sunday last Christmas Season with a relatively small list of things needed there. Of course, she knows how much I absolutely loathe the Redlands Maul-Mart, even on a good day. I'd rather be subjected to a muti-part discourse on the effects of pygmy goat molestation on the economy, hosted by a panel consisting of Rita Crosby, Nancy Grace & Jim Cramer (am I the only one who thinks that Rita Crosby looks & sounds like Will Ferrell in drag? Take a good look at her - I defy you to not see the similarities), than go anywhere near Maul-Mart in December. Throw retarded Christmas shoppers into the mix & it's a recipe for disaster.

Anyway, The Boy & I pulled into the parking lot & I decided to take the first available spot (since usually it's an exercise in futility to try to find a parking space close to the entrance) - which was roughly 33 miles from the store. Of course, as we're walking closer to the mouth of Hell, several parking spots became available. The story of my life, Loyal Readers.

One of the things on my to-do list was to drop off film at the 1-hour processor in the store. After seeing the 10 people deep line there, I made the executive decision to go somewhere else for my photo developing needs (I believe my exact declaration was "Screw this!") & proceeded to the cart corral - only to find that every single cart in the place was gone. The Boy went out to retrieve one while I made a pitstop. I walked into the l'il pardners room, only to find about 5-7 other patrons in there. I went about my business as quickly as possible, all the while cursing the store under my breath. I made my way back only to find that The Boy still hadn't returned with a cart. A couple minutes later, he showed up, saying that he had to go clear down to the garden department to find one. Having finally acquired our chariot, we made our way into the fray.

Of course, we could only move about 3 paces & then had to stop while someone stopped to look at a bubblegum display on an endcap.

Our first stop was the pharmacy. It's here that I found out that the Maul-Mart pharmacy closes at 5p on Sundays. And they also stop processing prescriptions at about 4p. This was unpleasant news for the gentleman in front of me, who made it clear to the pharmacist that he had to have this prescription today. No amount of telling this man "No, we can't get this filled tonight" would sway him (somehow, I get the feeling that, since doctors are closed on Sundays, he'd probably had the prescription order since Friday!). Almost ready to admit defeat, but still trying to persuade the tech to fill his order, I took the initiative & suggested that he go to one of the local 24-frickin'-hour pharmacies scattered about the area.

I finally made it to the counter & handed the tech my prescription slip & told her that I understood that it couldn't be filled tonight, that my wife would come back on the next day to pick it up. At this point, they could've filled the prescription with Tic-Tac's & I would've been happy (since this was T's birth control, I doubt she would've shared my elation. Her breath would've been minty fresh, though.).

After grabbing the few items that we came for, we made our way back to the front of the store to check out. We were greeted with lines that were, no kidding, about 10 people deep. So, with a second "Screw this!", we made our way to the electronics department, looking for a shorter line & a quick exit from shopping Hell. We walked in to the extremely small department, only to find another line 10 people deep.

It was at this exact moment that you could hear something snap inside of me. My eye started twitching. I started speaking in tongues. I was frothing at the mouth. If I could've done it (which I believe that, at the time, I could've), I would've squirted fire. I was ready to commit several major felonies against the shoppers at Maul-Mart.

As I tried to turn around to get out, at least 3 times someone shoved a cart in my way. At that point, in a Hulk-like fury, I literally lifted the cart & swung it around in an attempt to leave the electronics department. If I would've had the room, I'm sure I could've lifted the cart over my head & flung it clear into the tire department.

With The Boy trying to keep up behind me, telling me that I needed to calm down (which probably wasn't the most opportune time to point that out to me), we made our way to the sporting goods department. I was going to get out of that place with my White Cloud toilet paper, dagnabbit, even if I had to go to every friggin' department to find a short line!

We made it back to sporting goods to find a line of about 3 people, which was, given the crowds at the other lines, quite doable. Shaking with rage, I made my way up to the counter, eyeing the shotguns & imagining all of the line-clearing mayhem one of those babies could inflict. As I unloaded my cart, I said to the clerk "I'll bet you hear this all the time, but I really hate this place." "I hear that all the time from people who work here," he replied. "Yes," I said,"but at least you get paid to be here!"

incidentally, The Boy & I went to Target to develop our film. While there was a bit of a Christmas rush going on there, I still managed to get my film & T's present without once feeling the need to pummel someone.

Or squirt fire.

Which, when you think about it, is a very good thing.

My Mind Is Truly A Strange Place

I opened up my Yahoo! homepage this morning. The following headlines were stacked one on top of the other:

Ministers forced out as cartoon row escalates
Hamas takes over Palestinian parliament

Not looking very closely at the headlines, my mind read the two as:

Hamsters take over Palestinian parliament

The Alan Jackson Five

I'm thinking this might be an error. Then again, the Jackson family is pretty big...

Lessons Learned

Lesson 1 When trying to open a walnut by smashing it with a letter opener, one should cover the walnut with a paper towel

Lesson 2 Walnut shrapnel can get some pretty impressive distance

WWCND?

I had no idea that Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. I'm a believer now, though - if only because I'm afraid that Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick me in the face.

Chuck Norris Facts (warning: the language on the site is, how you say it? Ah, yes...a little spicy at times. Ye have been warned.)

Admit It...


You always wondered how they did this.

Dude, The Walls Are Melting!

Today I found out that a white chocolate mocha with a grand total of four (four!) shots of espresso is the caffeinated equivalent of speed.

If you heard a "pop/splat" sound this morning, that would've been my heart shooting out of my chest at about Warp 10 & hitting the wall in front of me.

2005 - The Year In Highlights

Didn't I just post one of these? It seems like only a short time ago that I was tweaking my '04 year in review. I know that they say time flies as you get older, but this is frickin' ridiculous.

Anyway, let me present to you "'05 - The Year In Review":

February brought us a visit from T's friend Donna, in from New Jersey. This visit was highlighted by the fact that not only was it Donna's first time visiting us out here, but it was also the tailend of the second rainiest season on record. It literally rained every single day that she was here. So much for "Sunny California." And the convertible she rented to take in the aforementioned sun.

April was started off celebrating The Boy's birthday. He opted to have a bounce house for he & his friends. This was all well & good until one particular child invited himself & proceeded to throw blind, screaming conniption fits every time someone looked at him funny. Of course, this all went on while the child's father stood on his patio, drink in hand. I know few better candidates for forced sterilization.

The beginning of May heralded T & my one year anniversary (a year & a half later & I still loves ya, babe :) ). This was celebrated with a trip to the Aquarium of the Pacific in Long Beach, a harbor cruise & lunch up in Lake Arrowhead the next day.

May also brought the long awaited conclusion to the "Star Wars" saga. Noooooooo!!!

With June came Father's Day &, at the end of the month, a late Father's Day present: a trip down to Largo in Hollyweird to see Grant Lee Phillips perform. It was awesome! A small, intimate setting meant that every seat was close. A great, great show!

June also meant seeing "Madagascar," which kicked off a lifetime of having "I like to move it, move it..." stuck in my head.

We saw "Batman Begins" somewhere around here, too. That movie totally wiped out the bad taste left from the previous Batman movies. Excellent, excellent, excellent!

July started off with a bang - literally. The local high school puts on a Fourth of July spectacular every year & since our patio & bedroom window face the school, we get a great fireworks extravaganza from the comfort of our own home. As much as I hate the apartment complex we live in, there are a few perks to it.

Toward the middle of the month, we made a trip up to Tulare for a family reunion/60th wedding anniversary party for a cousin on my mom's side, Nadine & her husband. It was good to see them again, although we kind of felt like party crashers during the reunion part of the soiree, as everyone there were distant, distant, diiiiiistant cousins.

The latter part of the month included a trip to Angel Stadium for Harvest '05, hosted by Greg Laurie & Harvest Ministries. The stadium was packed from floor to rafter (48,000 people!) & we found out, the hard way, that Angel Stadium has approximately 578 million miles of walkways leading you to the nosebleed seats. We got to see Kutless, Jeremy Camp & The Boy's favorite, Toby Mac. Well, we got to see them through the girders from behind the stage, as we were sitting to the rear of the platform. At least they had everything up on the jumbotrons.

It was at this event that The Boy made a commitment to Christ, as well. Good on ya, son! We're soooo proud of you!

By the very end of the month on into the first of August, we found ourselves heading out to Kingman, AZ to see Donna again. And it rained for most of the drive through the Mojave Desert & back. I'm thinking that Donna must've torqued off some indians at some point in her life & they cursed her or something.

A week later, we trekked on up the state to visit my dad, aunt & uncle. Aside from getting lost in the woods & some creepy little Stephen King-esque town that we narrowly escaped from, we had a wonderful time (& Northern California is beautiful). It was good to see everyone (some cousins - hi Tom & Kim! - that I hadn't seen since I was three). Thanks for the hospitality, Aunt Marge & Uncle Neil!

August also brought with it T's birthday. Happy birthday, Beautiful! Here's to many, many more!

October started off with a visit from T's parents, who stayed with us for a couple weeks & then headed on out to Florida to continue their 2005 nationwide tour. My dad also made his way on down to SoCal & had the opportunity to meet the in-laws. Our dads got along well & spent time swapping stories about being poor as kids.

Somebody had a birthday in the middle of all of this, too. Hmm, I wonder who?

Later in the month, we went to Azusa (A to Z in the USA!) to my cousin Dyan's new home to celebrate her mom's (my Aunt Olive) birthday. I never knew about all of the many accomplishments that Aunt Olive has acheived during her lifetime (was adopted as a child, took up scuba diving at 50, went back to college at 60, enjoys auto racing, just to name a few things). She's quite an inspirational person. And she makes a mean prime rib. Here I again was able to see cousins that I hadn't seen since I was a toddler (hi Ted & Tim!). It was good to see Dyan again, as well. I'm hoping that we all won't be such strangers anymore.

The end of October brought the long awaited, highly anticipated Sleepy Hollow Dance at Riley's Farm in Oak Glen, a birthday gift to me. The night was a blast! As Washington Irving's "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow" is my all time most favorite Halloween story (possibly my most favorite short story, period), it was so much fun to be immersed in the story, with everyone dressed up in colonial period costumes & all. The food was excellent & T & I had a ball hay riding, seed spitting & dancing. I had never squaredanced before or taken part in a hoedown. Given that my usual dancing can best be described as looking like an epileptic at a strobelight convention, I think I did pretty good. I was able to dance with Ichabod Crane, Brom Bones & the fair Katrina van Tassel, as well. The night was capped off by a ride through the Hollow by the Headless Horseman himself, which was soooo cool until somebody freaked the horse out with their camera flash. Thus ended the ride of the Headless Hessian of Sleepy Hollow. I can't stress it enough - if you live nearby or are in the area in late October, go to the dance at Riley's.

Thanksgiving was celebrated at my sister's house this year. T got to meet a few more members of the extended family (she's been busy meeting family this year) & a good, filling time was had by all. Afterward, we headed on down to another uncle's house (yet another that T hadn't met) & spent some time catching up with him.

The end of November took us back to Arkansas for Thanksmas '05 (thanks to the lovely & fair ETS & Amy for watching the place while I was out gallavanting - you ladies are the best!). While there, we went to T's old Bible study group, then went to a party thrown in our honor by Jenny (muchos thank you's!) & then the whole family descended on T's parent's home for the Thanksmas festivities. Though it was freakin' cold while we were there, we still had a wonderful time. It's so nice to get away from the hustle & bustle of SoCal living. One slightly longer than planned trip back home (lousy extended layover in Atlanta) & it was back to the grind. I so look forward to the time when we can move back there.

The rest of December has been busy for T. Ah, the joys of working in retail. The weekend before Christmas, we shuffled on down to Riverside to see the lights at the Mission Inn. There were thousands of people milling around, but still, it was nice. It makes it feel a wee bit more like Christmas seeing all the decorations. Christmas was a quiet family affair with just T, The Boy & myself (we're doing the big family get together in January when Mom returns from Utah). T made a wonderful Christmas ham dinner, which was supposed to be enjoyed by just the three of us, but was instead consumed with the help of three of The Boy's friends, which made for a nice, if full & a wee bit noisy, meal.

So, that's it.

All in all, not a bad year. From the look of it, it was a very busy year, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. It's been fun seeing new places & sharing experiences with T & The Boy. And it's been nice sharing those experiences with you, Loyal Readers. I know that the writing has been a little scarce lately, but what there has been...well, it's been a pleasure sharing the various moments in my life with all of you. To my three or four Loyal Readers, I thank you for checking in from time to time on My Little Corner of the Web. And to the newer lurkers that I see popping up here from time to time, I thank you for your patronage, as well (Don't be shy. Tell me who you are. There are plenty of seats in the Loyal Reader section of this site.).

I've read many times that blogs are meant for the writer's gratification & that they aren't writing for the reader's sake. To an extent, that's true. The topics that I write about are things that interest me. But, I want them to be things that interest you, as well, my Loyal Readers & lurkers. I want, at least some of the things I write, to make you laugh, to maybe make you think & to be somewhat entertaining. I hope that I've acheived that, to some extent, over this past year. And if I haven't?

Well, there's always next year.

Philosophy At 430a

Conversations can be interesting when one of the people doing the talking is only half awake. Case in point:

Me: I had "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas stuck in my head the other day.

Her: Oh, that song's horrible!

Me: I know! I had a hard time believing that somebody actually sat down, put pen to paper & expended the energy to write "I like my lady bumps." I mean, I don't need all of my music to have deep meaning, but c'mon..."My Humps?"

Her: Sir Mix-A-Lot said it so much better.

Me: Ah yes, Sir Mix-A-Lot. Perhaps the greatest philosophical lyricist of our time. And he's direct & honest. (At this point I start hearing "I like big butts/& I can not lie..." in my head)

Aristotle. Plato. Socrates. Sir Mix-A-Lot. That's one impressive pantheon of great minds.

I wonder if Socrates liked 'em little in the middle, but with much back?

Finally - A Good Use For Spam Email

Spamusement!

Go!

Read!

Laugh!

Office Supply For ETS

No more sporks breaking off at the handle after she's embedded it in a co-workers cranuim. Plus, she can have it engraved.

MY-Ti Titanium Spork

I meant to write yesterday but I got distracted by bright shiny objects and never got around to it. This is why my own blog resembles nothing so much as a second-hand store full of odd tidbits of flotsam and jetsom.

I wanted to talk about my payroll, about how it was due to arrive on Thursday in order for me to be able to collate and package and distribute and highlight and copy and sticky-tape and mail everybody's paychecks to everybody's location, but that by mid-afternoon and less than two hours 'til the cutoff for a timely mail-drop, the checks had not arrived. The idea of this caused much imaginary panic and mayhem and torching and bloodshed, so I thought I'd best give our provider a call, see what might possibly have happened to delay our shipment. And, you know, get a tracking number.

The man who answered the phone was very nice and apologetic, but I fired him anyway. For a day. Then I told him he could come back to work because, quite frankly, I need him around to ensure that my next payroll gets to me on time. It seems that although it's a straight shot from there to here, no layovers, no plane changes, no nothing but fresh, clean, frigid air in between and, therefore, no reason for my payroll to be making any unexpected stops in any sort of warm, tropical regions, imagine my absolute astonishment to find that my payroll, instead of flying here to the Northlands, was currently sitting in a warehouse in Ontario, California with no intentions of arriving to me until Friday morning, more than twenty-four hours later and guaranteeing that at least one of my branches would not be getting paid until a week past its due date.

It happens. Once (as some may recall by a certain conversation posted between The Pete and I regarding frat boys and poor, defensively and perfectly innocent sheep) my payroll spent the night in Montana, which is several states too far east so this isn't exactly an abnormal occurence by any means, but I was miffed all the same.

I mean, really - why should my payroll get to visit my Grandma when I can't, huh? The unfairness simply boggles the mind....

- Posted by ETS

Dear Jay

I understand that you are at the annual Thanksmas celebration you have with your family in Arkansas. Family is important and I am glad to hear that you are celebrating the holidays with them.

Worry not, Jay- I did get your christmas list this year. No- I do not plan a repeat of last years gift of coal. We are working on getting your presents done in time for the big day.

Unfortunately I don't think that I will be able to get you that "authentic" storm trooper suit you asked for...my elves are having trouble finding the correct materials to create the suit the exacting specifications you are requesting.

I also don't think we will be able to deliver the lifesize wax replica of John Stamos you are asking for. He said that any requests coming from you could be considered harassment.

Perhaps you should be a little less specific when sending in your lists…the elves get upset when they can’t find certain materials for the presents or are denied by the likes of John Stamos. That elf is still crying about the rude treatment.

Don’t worry – Mrs. Claus has a nice stocking for you with tons of Star Wars Pez dispensers and a Mace Windu Action figure already set up for you and it is in my bag of goodies.

I have to go – my head elf said something about a big box of coal heading your way. Don’t worry- I am sure it is all a misunderstanding. I will look into it right now.

Sincerely,


Santa Claus


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