The Friday Five

Here you go, boys & girls - this weeks Friday Five:

1. What's the most daring thing you've ever done?
Hmm...just getting on the freeways in So Cal is pretty daring.

2. What one thing would you like to try that your mother/friend/significant other would never approve of?
Sky diving. It's not so much that T doesn't approve - just that she'll be on the ground, nice & safe, waiting for me.

3. On a scale of 1-10, what's your risk factor? (1=never take risks, 10=it's a lifestyle)
I'm pretty boring. Probably a 3.

4. What's the best thing that's ever happened to you as a result of being bold/risky?
I met T (you expected something else?).

5. ... and what's the worst?
I suppose the worst thing would be to fail & look bad. But, hey - better to have tried & failed than to have not tried at all.

Or so I'm told.

Another "Food of Questionable Edibility"

Tofu. Today I was introduced to tofu.

I thought the Squeeze Cheese was bad. Tofu takes the cheese to school, Loyal Readers.

ARRRRRRGH!!!!!

But they're still not working right!

Wham! Wham! Wham! (Sound of my head repeatedly hitting the desk)

Well, lookee there!

I finally got the comments working again. Nuthin' fancy, but it'll do.

Comment away, Loyal Readers!

Blue

* sigh *

I miss T.

Gotta get that time machine working soon.

T-Minus Three Months & Counting

Three months. Three months! I was reminded today by Blonde In The Corner that I only have three months of singleness left. It doesn't seem possible that the Big Day is almost here. Back in October, when I proposed to T, back in August & September, when I knew I wanted to ask her to marry me, May seemed
like a lifetime away. Looking back, it seems to have sped on by. But when I look ahead to these next few months, it still seems so far away. It just can't seem to get here soon enough.

It's been about three months since I last saw T. Three months since I had to take her back to the airport & watch her leave. That day, I was not a happy Jay. That was the last time I was able to touch her & hold
her close to me. The last time I felt complete. I know that we've got the rest of our lives together. I just wish the rest of our lives would hurry up & get started.

I miss her like I've never missed anyone before. I want to be near her, epecially now. The time is just taking so long. It feels like I've been under water too long & am swimming to the surface. I feel like I can't get there fast enough. Just as my lungs would ache for a breath of air, my heart aches to be with her.

So much has been done, but there's still a lot left to take care of. We've got the rings. T's got her dress & many of the decorations for the church. The Boy & I are getting fitted for our suits. But we're still trying to figure out the logistics of getting her stuff out here & looking for a job for her & a plethora of other things.

It's all going to be worth it, though. In a few months, I'll finally have my best friend with me. I'll be by her side. We'll finally be together, after having spend the first part of our lives apart, waiting for each other.

* sigh *

Is it April yet?

The Neverending Meme

I found this over at Amy's, & she found it somewhere & they found it...etc. If you feel so inclined, copy the list to your blog, bold text the things you have in common with me & replace the rest with something about you. Ping me with your results. It's just that easy!

Here we go...

I love banana flavored baby food.
Music stores are my favorite places to shop.
I drink way too much soda.
I love my Magic 8-Ball pen.
I love pet rats. Get over yerselves!
I love it when I get some free time, with absolutely no obligation other than sitting and being alone in my own thoughts.
I like making lists.
I love to eat pizza.
I don't wear much makeup. Really...I don't.
I wear no jewelry.
I have glasses, but prefer my contacts.
I can't stand the smell of most perfumes.
I am an older sibling.
I have never been to china.
I like to sing in the car.
I cannot spell "crocheter." Is that even a real word?
I often forget to take my vitamins.
I own more comic books than I have bookshelves to put them on.
I still dig 80s hair bands.
I wash my hands often.
I love my family.
I work in a different town than which I live.
I love oil lamps.
I can sew buttons. They just don't stay on.
I love to read.
I like my drawing books.
I will kick the person next to me, just because.
I have very dry skin on the outside of my body.
I enjoy being lazy.
I would enjoy a vacation to someplace warm.
I haven't seen my natural hair color since I was a teenager. Well, more since my early 20's when the white started showing up.
I am planning a trip to Arkansas.
I get to go home in 3 hours & 15 minutes.
I need to exercise more.
I own 3 pairs of shoes & my combat boots.
I loathe reality shows.
I have five email accounts...all with different passwords.
I would like to lose my ex in the woods.
I already found Ms. Right.
I love to eat.
I prefer the West Coast.
I am in love with T (oh, like you didn't see that one coming)
I don't go to the doctor as often as I should.
I ignore all of the people in my office.
I wear contacts.
I have very strange dreams most nights.
I watch The Simpsons & have memorized waaaay too many lines from the show.
I have worked for the same company for over five years.
I want to go back to Knott's Berry Farm.
I do not have a sock-buying fetish...I can't remember the last time I bought my own.
I hope I get a raise this year!

What have I done?

I've become hooked on the local .99 cent store. It's the worst possible place for an impulse shopper to go to, though. I have to drag myself out before I end up buying a ton of Vienna sausages or a dozen pairs of sunglasses & eight wall calendars. Seriously. Eight calendars. Every time I go.

I had been in the store one day & noticed that the little old lady in front of me was purchasing gallons of squeezable cheese. Literally. A while later, I was hungry for nachos. I don't know why. Subliminal messages from the Government? Aliens? It is possible - after all, I wasn't wearing my Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie. Regardless of the origin of my nachos jonesing, I found myself back at the .99 cent store, with a bag of tortilla chips, a can of chili with a faded label (I'm hoping it was chili - they do sell Alpo there, too) & a bottle of nacho cheese flavored squeeze cheese. I resisted the urge to grab two bottles of the cheese & was grateful for that rare display of willpower later.

I got home, mouth watering in anticipation of the Mexican delicacy that I was about to partake of. I should've known something wasn't right when I removed the safety foil. I looked into the bottle, anticipating seeing a creamy, cheesy, artery clogging delight. Instead, I was greeted with by the sight of a substance with the consistency of bathtub caulking. Yellowy-orange bathtub caulking. With flecks of green & red. I was concerned, at this point, that I may have accidentally picked up the wrong bottle. I placed the squeeze top back on the bottle & put some of this substance of questionable edibility into a cup so that I could warm it up. I
thought that a little microwave action might make it a little softer.

Now, let me tell you a little something about me - I have a cast iron stomach & can stand a pretty high degree of grossness without getting queasy. And I'll eat just about anything. This is no exaggeration.

This stuff, however, put my intestinal fortitude to the test.

I squeezed the bottle. And squeezed the bottle. An shook the bottle. And squeezed the bottle again. Finally, the cheese started oozing out. What it looked like, Loyal Reader, was not something you'd want to put in your mouth. I'll not go into a description of what went through my mind, other than that I kept thinking "Oh my goodness, I'm going to be sick!"

My desire for nachos overrode my gag reflex, though. I mixed the cheese with a spoon, trying to make it look more appetizing. This, unfortunately, stirred up the smell of the cheese. This did not help matters. A glob of the cheese stuck to the spoon & I was unsure of how to get it into the cup without touching it. I tried shaking the spoon into the cup, tapping it on the rim, but no matter how hard I tried, the cheese/caulk mixture would not release it's grip on the spoon. My only other options were to scrape the concoction into the cup with my finger or to just lick the spoon off. The thought of consuming this stuff without irradiating it first was not a pleasant one. And, not wanting to touch it made scraping the spoon off less than desirable. But, I figured I could at least bleach my finger if I touched it. So, I commenced to trying to force the quickly hardening mixture into the cup, all the while holding my breath so as not to inhale any of the noxious fumes coming out of the cup.

I finally got the stuff into the microwave, still fighting the urge to gag & seriously thinking of just having chili & tortilla chips. But my hunger for nachos & a hope (misguided as it was) that the cheese would improve after I warmed it up kept my from discarding the dairy based horror that was currently being nuked. Oh, the things I'll do when I set my mind to something. Finally, it finished cooking. I took the cup from the microwave & attempted to pour it over the chili & chips. Note that I said "attempted." When I tilted the cup, the cheese would not budge. I kid you not, I think it actually crawled further back into the cup. What I feared would happen seemed to come true - I had inadvertently given the squeeze cheese/caulking compound sentiency by filling it with radiation. It was exhibiting signs of self-preservation!

I prodded the now self-aware cheese thing out of the cup & onto the chili & chips (I think it screamed at me at one point). It seemed that for every scoop that I took out of the cup two replaced it. Now, not only was it refusing to come out of the cup, it was also regenerating! I had a full blown Fifties B-grade horror flick in a coffee cup. At this point, I definitely did not want it to touch me.

Like in most Fifties sci-fi movies, something ended up killing the cheese/caulkmonster (I hoped). I don't know if it was exposure to th air or the chili or the fact that I'd stabbed it with the spoon a couple hundred times, but the thing quit moving & regenerating itself. I mixed the cheese/caulk-a-ma-jigger with the chili & started eating it. Amazingly, the chili managed to mask the cheese flavor. Unfortunately, there ended up being more cheese than chili, so I was left with a few globs of that foul stuff on my plate. I ate a bite or two of it with just a chip, but had to wash the rest down the sink. Even now, it may be mutating in the sewers of Yucaipa, biding it's time & regenerating until it's grown big enough to consume the whole city, making its way down into the valley, eating everything in its path! Oh my stars & garters...WHAT HAVE I UNLEASHED UPON THE WORLD?!?!?

*ahem*

So, the moral to this little story, Loyal Reader?

Just because something's only .99 cents, it doesn't mean it's a good idea to eat it.

Friday Five

Amy beat me to the Friday Five today, which is a good thing because I probably would've forgotten until Sunday, thereby making this the Not-Quite-Friday-Five. So, here you go, the Actually-Done-On-Friday-Friday-Five:


You have just won one million dollars:

1. Who do you call first? T. Definitely T first.

2. What is the first thing you buy for yourself? A plane ticket to Arkansas. I guess I could just buy my own plane, for that matter.

3. What is the first thing you buy for someone else? Tickets for T for a trip around Europe, since she chose me over Italy :)

4. Do you give any away? If yes, to whom? Yes. Family first. Then to local food distributions & pantries.

5. Do you invest any? If so, how? I have absolutely no idea. Something that would pay enough in interest or returns so that T & I wouldn't have to work. Land maybe. A big enough piece so that I wouldn't have anyone living right on top of me. Maybe out in the desert Southwest somewhere or back near T's family.

He lives!

The Amazing Shark Boy's apparently been jostled out of semi-retirement (unfortunately, it took the passing of Captain Kangaroo to do this). Being one of my partners in bad movie watching, you can trust his reviews. Well, of the bad movies, at least. He still thinks Moulin Rouge was the greatest thing ever. But, he was able to make it through Manos: The Hands of Fate without crying for his mommy. That movie truly pained my soul to watch.

I just thought I'd let you know...

...that generic Pop Tarts aren't nearly as good as the real thing.

Just lettin' you know, is all.

The Friday Five

I've been meaning to do this ever since I saw it over at Suburban Blight. And, as I'm trying to make good on the whole posting-more-often resolution, this will give one more thing to post (if I can remember to do this every week). Here you go - the first MLCotW Friday Five:

At this moment, what is your favorite...

1. ...song?

I'm kinda hooked on Jet's "Be My Girl." But, my all time favoritest song in the whole wide world is "The Boys of Summer" by Don Henley (I haven't heard the remake of it & am not in any hurry). I don't know what it is about this song. It just reminds me of my high school days, which, come to think of it, weren't all that great. Meh.

2. ...food?

Pizza. Sausage & double cheese. (What can I say? I'm easy to please.)

3. ...tv show?

Any of the shows on the History Channel that involve swords or tanks.

4. ...scent?

T's scent. I can't describe it. It's the best, though.

5. ...quote?

It's better to remain silent & thought a fool than to open your mouth & remove all doubt- usually attributed to Abe Lincoln. I know a few people at work who should give it a try.

Farewell, Captain

Bob Keeshan, Captain Kangaroo, died this morning.

We'll miss you, Captain.

Snotball

There’s a woman who works in my department & in the year & change that I’ve been here, we’ve exchanged maybe a dozen words or so. I used to think that maybe she was shy or some crap like that. Attempts at saying “Hello” or “Good Morning” were always met with a stare & silence. But, I have come to the conclusion that she is what science has classified as a mucspherius grande, more commonly known as a big snotball. This was driven home a couple of nights ago as we were leaving for the day. I was backing out of my parking space after having looked both ways to make sure the coast was clear. I didn’t see anyone, so I started backing out. That was when I heard a tiny car horn & saw her flying past me.

Now, I ask you, if you’re driving towards a car that’s backing out & it seems that they might not have seen you, wouldn’t you slow down to avoid a possible collision instead of racing past the car?

Snotball.

Hey Vern!

OK, all I had for dinner last night was some macaroni & cheese, so I don’t know if I can blame this dream on what I ate.

The dream started off with me going to what I can only describe as a family friendly burlesque house. It was like a combination theatre/Moulin Rouge. At one point, ushers came down the aisles. One of the ushers came up to me & informed me that there was a five drink minimum (!). I informed the man that I didn't drink, so he told me that I had to pay a $50 cover charge (apparently the drinks cost $10 a piece). I only had $37 in my pocket & gave this to the usher, who then tried to throw me out. I left the place & got into my car, driving it to a nearby car wash. I parked in one of the washing stalls to lay low for awhile & there, right before my eyes, was Ernest. Yes, that Ernest. We decided to wash my car & when the dryers went over the car, they hit Ernest in the face, causing his mouth to be blown wide open & comedy ensued. Amazingly, though, his hat did not come off. We laughed & then drove off.

So, if I were to interpret this dream, I'd say that it was definitely not a God sent, prophetic dream. It may well be that the macaroni had probably gone bad.

Schtuff

My work computer has officially been geekified. I found a few of my little Star Wars spaceships at home & brought them in to accentuate my monitor (also to give me something to play with when I get bored). They go nicely with the skull & crossbones that I fashioned out of packing peanuts.

***

Drat…I just found out that I missed the first episode of The Surreal Life. I’ve said before that I’m not a fan of “reality” television, mostly because it’s the most unrealistic thing on TV. When was the last time someone put me up in a plush loft with a cushy job & paid for everything? Hmm…lemme think. Never.

The Surreal Life’s appeal, for me, at least, is that the people on it were never “real” people to begin with. They’re actors & entertainers. They’re the closest things we have in the real world to comic book characters. They’re so outlandish; they live in a different plane of reality than the rest of us. The show doesn’t try to portray these people as average, everyday folk. Nope, it makes it plain that these are people whose 15 minutes of fame ended a long time ago & are being given an extra 30 seconds. And it’s all for my entertainment.

***

Dave Coullier, Crafton/Mentone, Jabootu & smothered burrito nutritional value.

What do these all have in common, you ask?

They are all recent Google referrals to MLCotW.

The smothered burrito search is far more comforting than the recent spate of searches for a “Good Guy Chucky doll” & a “’58 Plymouth Fury”, though.

‘Tis a weird, weird world we live in.

Well, whaddya know? A new post...

I know it's a little late, but here's my New Years Resolution:

I will try to post more frequently, even if there's nothing interesting to write about. I'll make things up if I have to.

So, in keeping with this resolution, here's a new post. Enjoy!

It makes Nirvana look like my high school’s pep squad

Due to a tragic mishap involving the radio antenna, the only four stations we can get in the office with any regularity are 1) a rock station; 2) an urban/hip hop station; 3) an adult contemporary station; & 4) a country station.

At one time, the rock station used to play good music & was work friendly. Over the years, though, the music that they play has progressively sucked more & more & the DJ’s seem to be in a battle to see who can be the most vulgar & crude.

I can’t stand rap & R&B & the local hip/hop station is definitely not work friendly. I think my manager would have a coronary right in my office doorway if she heard some of what’s on that station.

Hmm…that gives me an idea. Anyway...

The adult contemporary station is apparently run by the Celine Dion fan club. When they’re not playing the Great White Source of All Evil, the rest of their music either lulls you into a coma or makes you want to slit your wrists as a means of escaping the screeching of Britney & Christina & the endless repetition of “Wind Beneath My Wings.” In addition, their DJ’s mind-numbing droning makes me want to commit violent acts against houseplants & mimes. Actually, anything makes me want to commit violent acts against mimes, but that’s a whole other post.

The only alternative is the country station. Without giving them too much free publicity, this station is reeeeeally irritating. The whole theme of the station is frogs. Everything, & I mean e-ver-y-thing is a pun using frog related words. The DJ’s names, the weather, the traffic reports (“…there’s a big pile-up on the “frog”way today…”) – everything. And the music? Ugh! Is it a rule now that country songs have to be about the most depressing subjects in the world? Lessee…there’s the song about a mom talking to God, begging Him not to take her sick daughter. Then there’s the other one about the guy who keeps asking, “please don’t take the girl” & you find out at the end of the song that he’s singing about his wife who's about to die after giving birth. What happened to the old country song formula of wife leaving/pickup truck/faithful old dog? It’s no wonder that the rest of the songs revolve around getting drunk. It’s the only way to escape the gloomy world that country music portrays. Given the themes surrounding most country songs, one would think that God hates country singers. I’m inclined to think that He just might.

Unfortunately, given the choices on the radio that we have in the office, the country station is the only work (& mime) safe station available. The obvious question is “Why don’t you bring in CD’s?” I do. It’s just that I can’t constantly be playing DJ & changing out discs all day. So, I do my best to keep from throwing things at the radio.

Sometimes I succeed.

So, until I get my boombox fixed or can shell out a few bucks for a new one, I will have to put up with twangy, heart-wrenching songs or twangy songs about getting plastered.

*Sigh* I need a drink...

The Cydonian Gazette

Object Falls From Sky; Locals Alarmed; Government Sticks With Weather Satellite Explanation

GUSEV CRATER, EQUATORIAL MARS (AMP) – Local residents flooded authorities with reports of an object seen falling from the sky near Gusev Crater. “I saw a bright streak in the sky,” said farmer Gleeb Zyz, “It hit the ground & then bounced for about a mile, I reckon, out near the trailer park on Outer Highway Blzyx.”

Military officials quickly cordoned off the area around the Crater. The government released a statement saying that the object seen was a downed Martian weather satellite & has asked for citizens to stay out of the area while they clean up the debris. “There is nothing to be concerned about. Not a thing. It’s not like it’s an alien craft…uh, I mean…um…is this thing on?” said Yzzx City mayor Jorb Floob, shortly before he was whisked away by several men in black suits.

There has been an increase in recent years of the claims of sightings of strange things in the skies above Mars. Five years ago, many Martians reported seeing another object crash into the planet. Government officials assured the public that the explosion was nothing more than swamp gas. Other reports of a craft landing & a small vehicle driving around were dismissed as “the wild imagination of a bar patron who had downed one too many Venusian Sunsets.”

The sightings began about 30 years ago, with citizens claiming that there were alien spacecraft orbiting the planet & spying on them. A claim was also made around that time of a craft making a landing on Martian soil. The government assured the public that it, too, was a weather balloon that had crash landed, but conspiracy theories have stated that it was actually a landing craft from the nearby planet Earth, long thought by those on the fringe as possibly harboring life. Martian scientists have maintained that the possibility of finding intelligent life on Mars’ nearest celestial neighbor is remote at best. According to Martian Aeronautics & Space Administration (MASA) researcher Blorp Tyxz “Earth is just not a planet conducive to supporting life. Its high levels of nitrogen in its atmosphere & other, apparently naturally occurring pollutants, make it quite inhospitable for any kind of life. And with that large hole in it’s ozone layer, well…I just think it would be foolish to think that anything could survive & achieve any semblance of intelligence, much less send a spaceship to Mars.”

Others aren’t so skeptical. “I was watching my favorite show one night,” said Blyzx Trailer Park manager Qlld Xrgt, “when all of a sudden, the picture started getting’ all wavy-like & some frightening looking creature that kept yellin’ ‘riiiikie…waaaaa’ & another one that kept sayin’ ‘rooocie, joo got some splainin’ too dooo’ showed up on the set. I tell you, it scared the livin’ shplork outta me!”

New Disney Ride

The Boy also informed me of a new ride at Disney's California Adventure, the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, which he descibes as shooting you up a tower at ridiculous speeds & then dropping you down the tower at similiarly ridiculous speeds. The ride ends at the bottom of the tower, where the doors open & you are led into -

a gift shop.

That whirling sound you hear is Uncle Walt's cryogenically frozen head spinning. Somewhere in the attic of the Hauted Mansion, or so I've been told.

Bootie Cookies

Since I'm not a New Years Eve party animal type pf guy, the Boy & I spent the evening beating the crap out of each other on Gundam Battle Assault 2 & Matt Hoffman Pro BMX. I also spent a good part of the night trying to let the Boy make cookies on his own (or at least with minimal interference from me). He saved up some dough to make "American Flag" cookies for some of his friends, & then made the two of us six cookies - two small & one big cookie each. When he pulled the cookie sheet out of the oven, he noticed that the two large, round cookies had joined together to form, what he termed, a bootie cookie. Yes, the cookies looked like a butt.

Ladies & Gentlemen, my son - inventor of the Bootie Cookie (tm).