The Wedding
Well, the Big Day finally rolled around. The Boy & I were taken to the church & were carefully led to our changing room (so as not to see the Bride before the wedding). The Boy looked really sharp in his suit. We got ready & then gave each other a once over, looking like a pair of monkeys grooming each other. Keeping a ten-year-old in a tux proved to be quite a challenge, but we made it, nonetheless.
Everyone kept asking if I was nervous. I honestly wasn't. I knew that I wanted to marry T, without a doubt. The only thing that I was concerned about was the ceremony itself going without any problems. T was feeling the same way & was close to making herself crazy with all of the last minute preparations. The night before, I told her that everything was going to be fine; that, when it was her time to walk down the aisle, the doors would open & everything would be a blur after that.
Turned out, I was right.
"Oh, the humanity!"
To keep myself occupied I helped light the bajillion candles we had in the church. More than a few of them were new candles & were emitting flames a good three to four inches tall & puffing out soot like a locomotive. I went around, with the help of T's father, trimming the wicks.
Now, if you want to know what the flame will look like once you've trimmed the wick, you have to have the candle lit whilst trimming. I would trim a little off the top, trying not to snuff out the flame, & the piece that I cut would frequently still be lit. Or, at least, still be a hot ember.
And, Loyal Readers, this is when I found out just how quickly tulle burns.
After I snipped one of the wicks, the still aflame piece fell off the blade of the scissors, falling into a bundle of tulle, which instantly caught fire & went up like the Hindenberg. Fortunately, T's dad & brother patted it out & only a small hole was made.
Unfortunately, I had forgotten about a still smoldering ember that I had set in the paper towel in my hand. I was reminded, though, as the ember burned through the towel & into my bare hand. All this time, too, I had another snippet of the wick on the scissors. As I tried to extinguish the one in my hand, I watched in horror as the other piece fell off the blade & onto the carpet. After frantically stomping out the carpet, I decided that the wicks were fine as they were.
The fact that the church didn't burn down after this Inspector Clouseau-esque incident is a miracle in itself.
Is that "Songbird?" How about that? Is that it?
Eva Cassidy's "Songbird" was to be played while the mothers were being seated. It was also the cue for the Pastor, The Boy & myself to enter the church & assume our place at the altar. While we were waiting for the ceremony to begin, though, we had other music playing.
The three of us were sitting near the door where we were to enter, chit-chatting & whatnot. At the beginning of every song, The Boy would ask "Is that Songbird?", prompting me to start questioning it myself. It got to where I couldn't remember how the song started - & I was the only one who knew the song.
The person running the sound told us the playlist of songs before "Songbird," but that didn't help much when, due to some last minute seating, a couple more songs were added to the list to fill time. Eventually, I heard the familiar guitar that opens the song & in we went.
The time had finally arrived.
More to come...
Sunday, May 16, 2004
Jay & T's Excellent Adventure
OK, I had a gigantic outline made up & then realized that I'd still be sharing the adventures of our wedding & the drive out here by the time our 25th anniversary rolls around. Sssoooooo, I'm going to try to cut it down a bit. Maybe I'll share a few random things later, but for now, I give you (insert drumroll here) -
THE JIST OF IT!
Ta daa!
Flight out
The flight on out was pretty uneventful. It was The Boy's first flight, so that, coupled with the ex probably filling his head full of crap (& showing him "Airport" & "Alive" repeatedly), made him understandably nervous. But, after we took off (& I pried him off my arm) he loved it. His eyes kind of bugged out when we hit turbulence right after take-off (Palm Springs is windy most all of the time), but other than that, he was fine. We got to tour the cockpit & they presented The Boy with a "First Flight" certificate & a card signed by the crew. Very cool, Delta. The rest of the flight involved The Boy pointing out things on the ground & how the clouds look from above them rather than below.
We made it to Atlanta in one piece (albeit $8 lighter - $5 for a PB&J lunch & $3 for a can of chips?) &, after a slight detour (When asked where the tram was to the next terminal, we were told to take the escalator down & the train would be right there. What they neglected to tell us was that we'd have to make a right down one of the corridors to get to said escalator. When I need directions, people, I need them all.), made it to the next flight.
That flight was fine until we got over Arkansas, where it was raining. We couldn't see anything from our vantage point & I'm willing to bet the crew couldn't see much from the front of the plane either. No sooner had the captain announced our landing than we were on the ground, making a landing on a slick runway that ended in the sound of tires screeching. Not something you want to hear on a plane.
T was there waiting for us. It was so good to see her again, knowing that I wasn't seeing my girlfriend or fiancee now, but rather the woman who would be my wife in a couple days.
Waterbed
After that, we went to the tux shop, then to dinner & then out to T's parent's house to introduce everyone. Then, we dropped off Mom, my sister & The Boy at the motel & T & I went to the church to see how things were coming along. T's sister & another friend of her's were still setting up, moving chairs about & applying tule to the place. They'd spent more than half the day decorating & preparing food & still had more to do (Thanks Steph, Cindy & Brown - it looked - & tasted - wonderful!).
I returned to the motel & crawled into bed, only to be awakened by the snoring of someone who shall remain nameless for the time being. I was beat from the trip & all the running around, but the noise was keeping me awake. So, I did what anyone craving sleep would do -
I took my pillow & crawled into the bathtub.
Motel 8 has surprisingly comfortable bathtubs. After a while, though, it began to get a little less than comfortable (& I had this horrible fear of waking up & finding someone using the toilet right next to my head), so, back to the bed I went, this time donning my headsets & popping in a CD. I guess I should've found something a little less rawkus than a mix disc with the Black Crowes & the Replacements, but it was dark & I was tired. Setting the disc player on continuous loop, I drifted off to sleep.
To be continued...
OK, I had a gigantic outline made up & then realized that I'd still be sharing the adventures of our wedding & the drive out here by the time our 25th anniversary rolls around. Sssoooooo, I'm going to try to cut it down a bit. Maybe I'll share a few random things later, but for now, I give you (insert drumroll here) -
THE JIST OF IT!
Ta daa!
Flight out
The flight on out was pretty uneventful. It was The Boy's first flight, so that, coupled with the ex probably filling his head full of crap (& showing him "Airport" & "Alive" repeatedly), made him understandably nervous. But, after we took off (& I pried him off my arm) he loved it. His eyes kind of bugged out when we hit turbulence right after take-off (Palm Springs is windy most all of the time), but other than that, he was fine. We got to tour the cockpit & they presented The Boy with a "First Flight" certificate & a card signed by the crew. Very cool, Delta. The rest of the flight involved The Boy pointing out things on the ground & how the clouds look from above them rather than below.
We made it to Atlanta in one piece (albeit $8 lighter - $5 for a PB&J lunch & $3 for a can of chips?) &, after a slight detour (When asked where the tram was to the next terminal, we were told to take the escalator down & the train would be right there. What they neglected to tell us was that we'd have to make a right down one of the corridors to get to said escalator. When I need directions, people, I need them all.), made it to the next flight.
That flight was fine until we got over Arkansas, where it was raining. We couldn't see anything from our vantage point & I'm willing to bet the crew couldn't see much from the front of the plane either. No sooner had the captain announced our landing than we were on the ground, making a landing on a slick runway that ended in the sound of tires screeching. Not something you want to hear on a plane.
T was there waiting for us. It was so good to see her again, knowing that I wasn't seeing my girlfriend or fiancee now, but rather the woman who would be my wife in a couple days.
Waterbed
After that, we went to the tux shop, then to dinner & then out to T's parent's house to introduce everyone. Then, we dropped off Mom, my sister & The Boy at the motel & T & I went to the church to see how things were coming along. T's sister & another friend of her's were still setting up, moving chairs about & applying tule to the place. They'd spent more than half the day decorating & preparing food & still had more to do (Thanks Steph, Cindy & Brown - it looked - & tasted - wonderful!).
I returned to the motel & crawled into bed, only to be awakened by the snoring of someone who shall remain nameless for the time being. I was beat from the trip & all the running around, but the noise was keeping me awake. So, I did what anyone craving sleep would do -
I took my pillow & crawled into the bathtub.
Motel 8 has surprisingly comfortable bathtubs. After a while, though, it began to get a little less than comfortable (& I had this horrible fear of waking up & finding someone using the toilet right next to my head), so, back to the bed I went, this time donning my headsets & popping in a CD. I guess I should've found something a little less rawkus than a mix disc with the Black Crowes & the Replacements, but it was dark & I was tired. Setting the disc player on continuous loop, I drifted off to sleep.
To be continued...
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
"I'm not dead yet! I feel happy!"
Nope, not dead yet, Loyal Readers. Just still trying to get my bearing (& catch up on some sleep) after the Great North American Newlywed Road Trip of 2004. I'm also trying to get a recap of the events of the wedding & ensuing hijinks together.
Of course, I'm doing all this at work. And for some reason, they want me to actually do work related things while I'm there.
Yeesh!
Nope, not dead yet, Loyal Readers. Just still trying to get my bearing (& catch up on some sleep) after the Great North American Newlywed Road Trip of 2004. I'm also trying to get a recap of the events of the wedding & ensuing hijinks together.
Of course, I'm doing all this at work. And for some reason, they want me to actually do work related things while I'm there.
Yeesh!
Saturday, May 08, 2004
I'm Baaa-aaaack!
Two planes, one layover, one tux, one absolutely perfect wedding & a bajillion miles spent staring at the road before us in a U-Haul & we're finally back home.
I'll update everyone on all the happenings of the past week a bit later, because today is the first (& only) "Fit T's Stuff Into the Apartment Day 2004." Oodles of fun will ensue, to be sure!
Gobs o' big thanks to Amy for watching over the place for me. It would've just been a blank screen without you.
Two planes, one layover, one tux, one absolutely perfect wedding & a bajillion miles spent staring at the road before us in a U-Haul & we're finally back home.
I'll update everyone on all the happenings of the past week a bit later, because today is the first (& only) "Fit T's Stuff Into the Apartment Day 2004." Oodles of fun will ensue, to be sure!
Gobs o' big thanks to Amy for watching over the place for me. It would've just been a blank screen without you.
Friday, May 07, 2004
Weirdest Bumper Sticker I Have Ever Personally Saw
While driving to Starbucks during my lunch I saw the weirdest bumper sticker:
Brought to you by your guest host: Amy
While driving to Starbucks during my lunch I saw the weirdest bumper sticker:
What If The Whole World Farted At Once?
Brought to you by your guest host: Amy
Thursday, May 06, 2004
Bad Joke Day
Today was a crazy, busy day for me. I am still winding down. Something that helps put a smile on my face (and will hopefully but one on yours too) is a really bad joke. So I present you with a list of some bad jokes.
Brought to you by your guest host: Amy
Today was a crazy, busy day for me. I am still winding down. Something that helps put a smile on my face (and will hopefully but one on yours too) is a really bad joke. So I present you with a list of some bad jokes.
1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."
9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Chin-Dao-Li . But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
15. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
17. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
20. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
Brought to you by your guest host: Amy
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
Ok...It is your turn
Now that you have read Jay's fan letter...it is time to write your own.
Come join ETS and I for the Celebrity MadLibs Letter. Come play with us...
Brought to you by your guest blogger: Amy
Now that you have read Jay's fan letter...it is time to write your own.
Come join ETS and I for the Celebrity MadLibs Letter. Come play with us...
Brought to you by your guest blogger: Amy
Monday, May 03, 2004
If you haven't done so already...
A while back, I hosted a guest posting weekend. Luckily for me, your regular MLCotW host, Jay, posted this very fun fan letter (lucky for me because he was the only one to post anything). You will want to make yourself familiar with the fun fan letter ...so if you hadn't read it before...be sure to read it now...because tomorrow...well...tomorrow's post will be tied into it...and that is all I will tell you for now.
Oh and if you are wondering...I have NOT heard from Jay yet, of course the fog may be blocking my abilities to see the smoke signals or flares...
Brought to you by your guest host Amy
A while back, I hosted a guest posting weekend. Luckily for me, your regular MLCotW host, Jay, posted this very fun fan letter (lucky for me because he was the only one to post anything). You will want to make yourself familiar with the fun fan letter ...so if you hadn't read it before...be sure to read it now...because tomorrow...well...tomorrow's post will be tied into it...and that is all I will tell you for now.
Oh and if you are wondering...I have NOT heard from Jay yet, of course the fog may be blocking my abilities to see the smoke signals or flares...
Brought to you by your guest host Amy
A Story Of Karma
Good Monday Morning to you readers of MLCotW!!!
I wanted to share with you a blog entry from MoodyMama...one of my regular reads...this entry entitled Turnabout Is Fair Play is the perfect example of Karma...or as Slaughter sings in their song Burnin' Bridges it's "Because whatever you do...it comes back to you..."
Enjoy.
Brought to you by your guest host Amy
Good Monday Morning to you readers of MLCotW!!!
I wanted to share with you a blog entry from MoodyMama...one of my regular reads...this entry entitled Turnabout Is Fair Play is the perfect example of Karma...or as Slaughter sings in their song Burnin' Bridges it's "Because whatever you do...it comes back to you..."
Enjoy.
Brought to you by your guest host Amy
Saturday, May 01, 2004
Movie Theater Joke
From: jokes.com
Just something to make you chuckle....
Brought to you by your guest host Amy
From: jokes.com
Movie Theater Mayhem!
A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry sir, but you''re only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn''t budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir," the usher said, "if you don''t get up from there, I''m going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.
"All right, buddy. What''s your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.
"The balcony."
Just something to make you chuckle....
Brought to you by your guest host Amy
Thursday, April 29, 2004
This is not your usual Jay...
Hello readers of MLCotW, this AMY from BadGroove here...and as you may or may not know...Jay has left to marry T...and will probably gone for a week or so...and he has asked me to keep you all as entertained as I possibly can. Now I have some big shoes to fill because Jay is pretty darn witty...but I will do what I can...
Blogger looks a lot different since the last time I used it...and I nearly accidently set Jay up for a gmail account by accident...but I digress...I am proud to be posting here...and you all can expect to see a lot of me around here...
Brought to you by your guest host Amy
Hello readers of MLCotW, this AMY from BadGroove here...and as you may or may not know...Jay has left to marry T...and will probably gone for a week or so...and he has asked me to keep you all as entertained as I possibly can. Now I have some big shoes to fill because Jay is pretty darn witty...but I will do what I can...
Blogger looks a lot different since the last time I used it...and I nearly accidently set Jay up for a gmail account by accident...but I digress...I am proud to be posting here...and you all can expect to see a lot of me around here...
Brought to you by your guest host Amy
Whoa! Blogger changed...Oh &...
I'm leaving, on a jet plane, coincidentally. I do know when I'll be back again, though. In the meantime, the site will be in the capable hands of Amy (thanks Amy :) ). I'll try to send her an email or pony express a note to her or send up a signal flare or something to let her (& the other two readers that aren't going out to Arkansas with me) know that T & I are still alive.
See you all next week!
I'm leaving, on a jet plane, coincidentally. I do know when I'll be back again, though. In the meantime, the site will be in the capable hands of Amy (thanks Amy :) ). I'll try to send her an email or pony express a note to her or send up a signal flare or something to let her (& the other two readers that aren't going out to Arkansas with me) know that T & I are still alive.
See you all next week!
Saturday, April 24, 2004
Pepys Project II: Electric Boogaloo
The Pepys Project has been revamped. It's a great site for finding new blogsites all around the world.
Go here. Check it out. Have another cookie.
The Pepys Project has been revamped. It's a great site for finding new blogsites all around the world.
Go here. Check it out. Have another cookie.
Thursday, April 22, 2004
Why can't forever mean forever?
I'm noticing again (as this happened with my first go 'round with marriage, too), that the closer I get to the Big Day, the more people I know that are splitting up. It seems that when I'm single, all my friends are married, making me the proverbial third wheel (& given the single status that I'd had for years & years, this wheel's got a lot of miles on it). When I was married the first time, all my friends were single.
And here we go again. I've already got one friend going through a rough spot & now I find out that another friend has split. Ugh! I hate when that happens.
I hate seeing this happen. It's one of the worst things to ever go through. The hurt. The pain. The sorrow over seeing something that was so beautiful & new & full of promise fade. To watch the person that you gave your heart of hearts to walk away. The loneliness. The heartbreak.
Even though you both may never see these words, my prayers are with you.
Grrr...I hate this.
I'm noticing again (as this happened with my first go 'round with marriage, too), that the closer I get to the Big Day, the more people I know that are splitting up. It seems that when I'm single, all my friends are married, making me the proverbial third wheel (& given the single status that I'd had for years & years, this wheel's got a lot of miles on it). When I was married the first time, all my friends were single.
And here we go again. I've already got one friend going through a rough spot & now I find out that another friend has split. Ugh! I hate when that happens.
I hate seeing this happen. It's one of the worst things to ever go through. The hurt. The pain. The sorrow over seeing something that was so beautiful & new & full of promise fade. To watch the person that you gave your heart of hearts to walk away. The loneliness. The heartbreak.
Even though you both may never see these words, my prayers are with you.
Grrr...I hate this.
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
Waiting
In a little bit, I'm going to the doctor to find out the results of last weeks biopsy. I knw T & her family & my mom are all chompin' at the bit to know what the lab found, but as for me? I dunno. I have a sense of peace & calm about the situation. I put the whole thing in God's more than capable hands. I'm not really worried. If things aren't as we are all hoping for, I still know that I'm in good hands. If things turn out all clear, then it's just another tesimony of faith. Either way, I know I'm going to be alright.
Although, I'd really rather never have to have a biopsy again. Ever.
Update I got the all clear from the doctor - no cancer! Wee haw!
In a little bit, I'm going to the doctor to find out the results of last weeks biopsy. I knw T & her family & my mom are all chompin' at the bit to know what the lab found, but as for me? I dunno. I have a sense of peace & calm about the situation. I put the whole thing in God's more than capable hands. I'm not really worried. If things aren't as we are all hoping for, I still know that I'm in good hands. If things turn out all clear, then it's just another tesimony of faith. Either way, I know I'm going to be alright.
Although, I'd really rather never have to have a biopsy again. Ever.
Update I got the all clear from the doctor - no cancer! Wee haw!
Fuzzy Doughnuts
I stopped by a doughnut shop on the way to work this morning, as I had a few extra minutes before work. When I walked in, I saw a woman, nicely dressed, knelt down in front of the counter picking up a box of a dozen doughnuts that she'd dropped. I figured she'd pick them up & get another box. To my shock & amazement, she put the top back on the box, said "Let's try that again" & WALKED OUT WITH THE DOUGHNUTS THAT HAD BEEN DROPPED!!!
Eww! Ewww!! EWWWW!!!!!
I feel so sorry for her unsuspecting co-workers.
Co-Worker #1: Mmm...doughnuts! I think I'll have a glazed one. Uh, what's the fuzzy stuff on top of this one?
Woman: Oh...uhh...it's a...umm...new topping! Yes, yes, a new topping. It's not like I dropped them on the floor or anything...heh, heh.
Co-Worker #1: What was that?
Woman: Uh...nothing, nothing.
Co-Worker #2: Why is this jelly doughnut so gritty?
Woman: They're sprinkles.
Co-Worker #2: Gravel is a sprinkle?
Woman: Gravel sprinkles are a great source of minerals. Now are you going to eat it or not?
Co-Worker #2: *crunch* Ow! My tooth!
Co-Worker #1: I'm not feeling so good...
I think I may have second thoughts the next time someone brings in a pink box.
I stopped by a doughnut shop on the way to work this morning, as I had a few extra minutes before work. When I walked in, I saw a woman, nicely dressed, knelt down in front of the counter picking up a box of a dozen doughnuts that she'd dropped. I figured she'd pick them up & get another box. To my shock & amazement, she put the top back on the box, said "Let's try that again" & WALKED OUT WITH THE DOUGHNUTS THAT HAD BEEN DROPPED!!!
Eww! Ewww!! EWWWW!!!!!
I feel so sorry for her unsuspecting co-workers.
Co-Worker #1: Mmm...doughnuts! I think I'll have a glazed one. Uh, what's the fuzzy stuff on top of this one?
Woman: Oh...uhh...it's a...umm...new topping! Yes, yes, a new topping. It's not like I dropped them on the floor or anything...heh, heh.
Co-Worker #1: What was that?
Woman: Uh...nothing, nothing.
Co-Worker #2: Why is this jelly doughnut so gritty?
Woman: They're sprinkles.
Co-Worker #2: Gravel is a sprinkle?
Woman: Gravel sprinkles are a great source of minerals. Now are you going to eat it or not?
Co-Worker #2: *crunch* Ow! My tooth!
Co-Worker #1: I'm not feeling so good...
I think I may have second thoughts the next time someone brings in a pink box.
Sunday, April 18, 2004
Saturday, April 17, 2004
Thursday, April 15, 2004
I'm not a masochist...
...really, I'm not.
But you wouldn't know it by the amount of pain inflicted on me this past week.
Last Thursday, I had to have four teeth filled. Friday, I was poked & prodded by the doctor trying to figure out what's growing in my chest. Tuesday, the biopsy mentioned in the previous post. Then, another trip to the dentist to have two more teeth filled.
I'm really, really not a masochist. Honest. For true.
...really, I'm not.
But you wouldn't know it by the amount of pain inflicted on me this past week.
Last Thursday, I had to have four teeth filled. Friday, I was poked & prodded by the doctor trying to figure out what's growing in my chest. Tuesday, the biopsy mentioned in the previous post. Then, another trip to the dentist to have two more teeth filled.
I'm really, really not a masochist. Honest. For true.
Wednesday, April 14, 2004
Let me just say...
...biopsies suck. Not the actual procedure itself so much, but the healing process afterward.
I normally don't talk about health issues on MLCotW (other than whining & complaining about being tired & delightful retellings of my dealings with trying to get an appointment with my doctor). For one thing, I'm not sick all that often. Tired, yes. Sick, not quite so much. For another thing, I'm sure not too many of you (maybe two of the five regular readers) really want &/or need to know about my current state of physical well-being. And, sometimes the ailment's of a personal nature. But, as this has been consuming my thought processes for the past couple months & this site is about the comings & goings of the Jayverse, I figured "What the hey?"
And before I go any further, at this point, I'm fine. Just waiting for some results.
Now, on with our story.
Around the beginning of February, I started noticing some pain in the right chesticle area (the breastal region for you ladies). It felt like someone had repeatedly poked me in the chest. Then, I noticed the lump. I didn't freak, but I kept an eye (or hand, rather) on it. As the month wore on, the mass started getting bigger & more touchy. I finally went to my doctor in March & after a couple of tests (ladies, I have a whole new appreciation for the things you go through), the good doctor couldn't determine what was going on in there. The Big "C" was never mentioned, but it was in the back of everyone’s mind.
I was then referred to a doctor who specializes in the chesticle region. While she doesn't think it's the Big "C", she's not 100% certain. Soooo, we opted for an ultrasound guided needle biopsy, just to make sure everything is clear.
Now, don't let the term "needle biopsy" fool you, because a needle is only used when they anesthetize the area. The real name for this procedure should be "roto-rooter biopsy" because the thing they used was not a needle. Not by a longshot. Maybe a needle for tranquilizing elephants. Or harpooning whales. Anyway...
The whole procedure was quite painless. The only time that I got a little uncomfortable was when the doctor uttered a little "Oops" while he was poking around.
"Oops" is not something you want to hear from someone with a Shop-Vac inserted into your chest.
The biopsy machine-a-ma-jigger consists of a large hand held device that looks a lot like a Bic torch lighter (you know, the kind you use to start a fireplace or light candles or burn down your offi...uh, scratch that last one), a roto-rooter (you thought I was kidding?) & a vacuum cleaner. The doctor numbed the area, made a small incision & commenced to suckin' out little samples of the offending matter that the rooter cut out. I didn't dare look at what he was doing, for fear that I'd lose it. So, as much as I wanted to, I didn't get to see what the little buggers looked like.
After all that, the doctor basically taped me back together (no stitches for once), wrapped my chest in an icepack & an Ace bandage & sent me on my way. I spent the rest of the afternoon & evening sweating under the wrap, itching & staring at the cleavage that the wrap had created (can't...look...away - in a car wreck kind of way. Believe me, hairy man cleavage is not a turn-on.).
Later in the evening, the numbness started wearing off. By bedtime, it felt like I’d been kicked in the chest by a mule. It made for a very uncomfortable night’s sleep.
This morning I had to change the dressing & then rewrap the Ace bandage. It was at this point that I discovered that I wasn't blessed with either a great amount of dexterity or a third arm, because trying to wrap a cloth around my chest proved to be quite the challenge. I finally got it around & fastened it together. I found as I was driving to work that I had fastened it too tightly, though. I spent the whole trip to work tugging on the bandage through my shirt, trying to breathe & get the blood flowing to my lower half again.
Since then, I've rewrapped the bandage about three times & have been tortured by the continuous itching that comes with having one's chest wrapped. I don't see how you ladies do this every day. It's hot. It itches. It does, however, offer me a degree of support that I've never before enjoyed. Take the good with the bad, I guess.
Anyway, I don't mean to sound like I’m making light of the breast cancer (besides, if I do indeed have it, I'm in good company; Richard "Shaft" Roundtree - "the cat that won't cop out when there's danger all about" - is a male breast cancer survivor. I think I'll start calling myself "Shaft." What? Why not?). It is a serious matter that has had more than a few of us worried. But, I’ve had a great deal of support from my mom & T & her family & friends have been doing their best to help through prayer, concern & well wishing (it's nice to know that I have a fan club). I owe them all a great debt of gratitude. And to my doctors, as well, for listening to me & not just dismissing things.
Well, I am now home & am wrap free.
Scratching has never felt soooo good.
...biopsies suck. Not the actual procedure itself so much, but the healing process afterward.
I normally don't talk about health issues on MLCotW (other than whining & complaining about being tired & delightful retellings of my dealings with trying to get an appointment with my doctor). For one thing, I'm not sick all that often. Tired, yes. Sick, not quite so much. For another thing, I'm sure not too many of you (maybe two of the five regular readers) really want &/or need to know about my current state of physical well-being. And, sometimes the ailment's of a personal nature. But, as this has been consuming my thought processes for the past couple months & this site is about the comings & goings of the Jayverse, I figured "What the hey?"
And before I go any further, at this point, I'm fine. Just waiting for some results.
Now, on with our story.
Around the beginning of February, I started noticing some pain in the right chesticle area (the breastal region for you ladies). It felt like someone had repeatedly poked me in the chest. Then, I noticed the lump. I didn't freak, but I kept an eye (or hand, rather) on it. As the month wore on, the mass started getting bigger & more touchy. I finally went to my doctor in March & after a couple of tests (ladies, I have a whole new appreciation for the things you go through), the good doctor couldn't determine what was going on in there. The Big "C" was never mentioned, but it was in the back of everyone’s mind.
I was then referred to a doctor who specializes in the chesticle region. While she doesn't think it's the Big "C", she's not 100% certain. Soooo, we opted for an ultrasound guided needle biopsy, just to make sure everything is clear.
Now, don't let the term "needle biopsy" fool you, because a needle is only used when they anesthetize the area. The real name for this procedure should be "roto-rooter biopsy" because the thing they used was not a needle. Not by a longshot. Maybe a needle for tranquilizing elephants. Or harpooning whales. Anyway...
The whole procedure was quite painless. The only time that I got a little uncomfortable was when the doctor uttered a little "Oops" while he was poking around.
"Oops" is not something you want to hear from someone with a Shop-Vac inserted into your chest.
The biopsy machine-a-ma-jigger consists of a large hand held device that looks a lot like a Bic torch lighter (you know, the kind you use to start a fireplace or light candles or burn down your offi...uh, scratch that last one), a roto-rooter (you thought I was kidding?) & a vacuum cleaner. The doctor numbed the area, made a small incision & commenced to suckin' out little samples of the offending matter that the rooter cut out. I didn't dare look at what he was doing, for fear that I'd lose it. So, as much as I wanted to, I didn't get to see what the little buggers looked like.
After all that, the doctor basically taped me back together (no stitches for once), wrapped my chest in an icepack & an Ace bandage & sent me on my way. I spent the rest of the afternoon & evening sweating under the wrap, itching & staring at the cleavage that the wrap had created (can't...look...away - in a car wreck kind of way. Believe me, hairy man cleavage is not a turn-on.).
Later in the evening, the numbness started wearing off. By bedtime, it felt like I’d been kicked in the chest by a mule. It made for a very uncomfortable night’s sleep.
This morning I had to change the dressing & then rewrap the Ace bandage. It was at this point that I discovered that I wasn't blessed with either a great amount of dexterity or a third arm, because trying to wrap a cloth around my chest proved to be quite the challenge. I finally got it around & fastened it together. I found as I was driving to work that I had fastened it too tightly, though. I spent the whole trip to work tugging on the bandage through my shirt, trying to breathe & get the blood flowing to my lower half again.
Since then, I've rewrapped the bandage about three times & have been tortured by the continuous itching that comes with having one's chest wrapped. I don't see how you ladies do this every day. It's hot. It itches. It does, however, offer me a degree of support that I've never before enjoyed. Take the good with the bad, I guess.
Anyway, I don't mean to sound like I’m making light of the breast cancer (besides, if I do indeed have it, I'm in good company; Richard "Shaft" Roundtree - "the cat that won't cop out when there's danger all about" - is a male breast cancer survivor. I think I'll start calling myself "Shaft." What? Why not?). It is a serious matter that has had more than a few of us worried. But, I’ve had a great deal of support from my mom & T & her family & friends have been doing their best to help through prayer, concern & well wishing (it's nice to know that I have a fan club). I owe them all a great debt of gratitude. And to my doctors, as well, for listening to me & not just dismissing things.
Well, I am now home & am wrap free.
Scratching has never felt soooo good.
Sunday, April 11, 2004
Tuesday, April 06, 2004
So complicated
A helpful guide to deciphering the many emotions of Avril Lavigne.
Just in case you were wondering.
C'mon...you know you were.
A helpful guide to deciphering the many emotions of Avril Lavigne.
Just in case you were wondering.
C'mon...you know you were.
Monday, April 05, 2004
"I miss the comfort in being sad"
Ten years.
I can still remember seeing the reports of Kurt Cobain's death on the MTV news. It was the first time I'd ever seen Kurt Loder choke up. It didn't seem real, but at the same time, it wasn't too terribly surprising. Sad, but not surprising.
I remember when "Nevermind" hit it big. I was still listening to the last screams, howls & breaths of the 80's hair metal era: Guns n' Roses, LA Guns, Great White, etc. I remember hearing about Nirvana. A friend of mine in the dorm I lived in told me to get their album - not to bother waiting to hear the next single (my "Two Song" rule: before I'd buy a new album, I had to hear & like at least two songs), but to just go out & get it.
I didn't take his advice.
My loss.
I remember thinking that they were going to be another flash in the pan (after having been burned by so many one hit wonder metal bands, I was just a wee bit cynical of the music industry). I heard "Smells Like Teen Spirit" about eleventy-billion times & was pretty tired of it. A great song, but, as per usual, MTV played it into the ground. Even worse, Pearl Jam came out about the same time & all I would hear from these bands was how much they hated all of the fame & fortune they'd achieved. I kept thinking "You've reached a position in the music world that so many other bands dream about but never see & you're whining about it?" Every time I saw them on TV, I'd flip the channel. It was so bleak & dark. My little sister had a few of Nirvana's singles. I'd look at the song titles & just think about how depressing it all sounded.
In 1992, some friends (including the guy who told me to get "Nevermind") & I decided to try to start a band. The drummer was officially the only person who knew what he was doing. I had had a bass & a couple six-string electric guitars for awhile, but didn't know how to play much beyond "Iron Man." Since we were musically handicapped, we learned songs that didn't involve more than three chords. That pretty much narrowed our pool of bands to cover to The Ramones & Nirvana. Dave, the guitarist in the band, showed me how to play "Blitzkrieg Bop" from The Ramones on the bass, but Nirvana's "Territorial P*ssings" was the first song that the band really got down tight. The power of the song was incredible. It was raw (especially in our inexperienced hands) & blistering. After learning that song, I finally bought "Nevermind."
And I found out what I'd been missing.
It was loud. It was hard. It was fast. I was finally a devoted fan of Nirvana.
I still couldn't stand hearing Cobain & Eddie Vedder cry about being famous. I had heard all the stories about Cobain's problems & addictions & all that. I kept thinking "Why don't you just quit? I'd have more respect for you if you dropped out of the scene, either completely or if you just took a lower profile." It was sad to see him, at times happy (such as after the birth of his daughter), like he finally had some sense of peace about him &other times, you could see the chaos...the pain...the sadness in his eyes. You could see that he was searching, that he wanted something to fill the void he had inside. Unfortunately, he had chosen what so many people who are searching choose - drugs. Combine that with a serious case of depression &...well...
We know where that finally led him.
On that April day ten years ago, a voice was forever silenced.
A little girl lost her father.
A woman lost her husband.
Two men lost a friend.
And the world lost a brilliant & talented artist.
Ten years.
I can still remember seeing the reports of Kurt Cobain's death on the MTV news. It was the first time I'd ever seen Kurt Loder choke up. It didn't seem real, but at the same time, it wasn't too terribly surprising. Sad, but not surprising.
I remember when "Nevermind" hit it big. I was still listening to the last screams, howls & breaths of the 80's hair metal era: Guns n' Roses, LA Guns, Great White, etc. I remember hearing about Nirvana. A friend of mine in the dorm I lived in told me to get their album - not to bother waiting to hear the next single (my "Two Song" rule: before I'd buy a new album, I had to hear & like at least two songs), but to just go out & get it.
I didn't take his advice.
My loss.
I remember thinking that they were going to be another flash in the pan (after having been burned by so many one hit wonder metal bands, I was just a wee bit cynical of the music industry). I heard "Smells Like Teen Spirit" about eleventy-billion times & was pretty tired of it. A great song, but, as per usual, MTV played it into the ground. Even worse, Pearl Jam came out about the same time & all I would hear from these bands was how much they hated all of the fame & fortune they'd achieved. I kept thinking "You've reached a position in the music world that so many other bands dream about but never see & you're whining about it?" Every time I saw them on TV, I'd flip the channel. It was so bleak & dark. My little sister had a few of Nirvana's singles. I'd look at the song titles & just think about how depressing it all sounded.
In 1992, some friends (including the guy who told me to get "Nevermind") & I decided to try to start a band. The drummer was officially the only person who knew what he was doing. I had had a bass & a couple six-string electric guitars for awhile, but didn't know how to play much beyond "Iron Man." Since we were musically handicapped, we learned songs that didn't involve more than three chords. That pretty much narrowed our pool of bands to cover to The Ramones & Nirvana. Dave, the guitarist in the band, showed me how to play "Blitzkrieg Bop" from The Ramones on the bass, but Nirvana's "Territorial P*ssings" was the first song that the band really got down tight. The power of the song was incredible. It was raw (especially in our inexperienced hands) & blistering. After learning that song, I finally bought "Nevermind."
And I found out what I'd been missing.
It was loud. It was hard. It was fast. I was finally a devoted fan of Nirvana.
I still couldn't stand hearing Cobain & Eddie Vedder cry about being famous. I had heard all the stories about Cobain's problems & addictions & all that. I kept thinking "Why don't you just quit? I'd have more respect for you if you dropped out of the scene, either completely or if you just took a lower profile." It was sad to see him, at times happy (such as after the birth of his daughter), like he finally had some sense of peace about him &other times, you could see the chaos...the pain...the sadness in his eyes. You could see that he was searching, that he wanted something to fill the void he had inside. Unfortunately, he had chosen what so many people who are searching choose - drugs. Combine that with a serious case of depression &...well...
We know where that finally led him.
On that April day ten years ago, a voice was forever silenced.
A little girl lost her father.
A woman lost her husband.
Two men lost a friend.
And the world lost a brilliant & talented artist.
Sanctuary!
It seems that I can't go to the restroom without everybody & their cat following me in. And a lot of them apparently haven't been properly schooled in Da Rules. All I want is a little peace & quiet, just for a few minutes. Is that too much to ask?
It seems that I can't go to the restroom without everybody & their cat following me in. And a lot of them apparently haven't been properly schooled in Da Rules. All I want is a little peace & quiet, just for a few minutes. Is that too much to ask?
Thursday, April 01, 2004
Musica
I found this over at Chris's site & decided to take a whack at it. The idea is to pick the first song that relates to each of the following. Here we go...
Reminds you of your youth...Afternoon Delight - Starland Vocal Band I used to belt this one out at the top of my lungs, thinking it was about an afternoon romp & not knowing what it was really about: lunch.
Gives you the chills...Voodoo Chile (Slight Return) - Stevie Ray Vaughan Quite possibly the best redo of a Jimi Hendrix song. Stevie made that guitar scream! I never had the pleasure of seeing him in concert, but I did get to catch him on Austin City Limits. He shredded so hard on this song that he broke a string & kept on playing. The roadie brought out another guitar & Stevie switched them out without missing a lick.
Makes you want to bang your head...80's speed metal, punk, grunge
OK, those aren't songs.
Get over it.
Oh, alright, I'll give you a few examples: Into the Lungs of Hell/Set the World Afire - Megadeth Actually, all of So Far, So Good...So What? ripped your face off with it's speed & the bombastic assault of Dave Mustaine's snarl, Dave Ellefson's bass & the only appearances of Jeff Young on guitar & Chuck Behler on drums. It blew Metallica out of the water (sorry guys). But the first two tracks are my personal favorites from the album.
Punk? Hands down, The Ramones first album. My best friend in high school turned me on to The Ramones & they were favorites of the band that I was in for a time (What can I say? Their songs were easy to learn.) The only song that lags a bit is I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend, only because it suddenly slows the album down. Before & after that? Pure punk ecstacy.
And last but not least, grunge. Lessee...Nevermind - Nirvana, of course (another favorite of the band); Dirt - Alice In Chains...Dark, dirty &...well...grungy. Would? is one of the greatest songs I've ever heard.
Honorable mentions: The Audience Is Listening - Steve Vai; Ace of Spades & The One To Sing the Blues - Motorhead; Hit the Lights - Metallica (I never said I didn't like 'em...I just like Megadeth better)
You wish you knew the lyrics to...Up the Beach - Jane's Addiction If anyone knows the words, let me know.
Makes you so upset you turn it off...Teenie pop crapola & most rap (I can take some late 80's, but that's about it).
Was/is 'your song' with someone else...Songbird & Anniversary Song - Eva Cassidy, Come Away With Me - Nora Jones...Not really "our songs," but T turned me on to both artists & these three songs remind me of her when I hear them.
*Note - Songbird will be making an appearance in the wedding. It's just that good, people.
Makes you want to dance...Paradise By the Dashboard Light - Meatloaf Does his wife just call him "Meat?"
Helps you heal after a breakup...Pretty Hate Machine - Nine Inch Nails Oh yeah, this tape got a lot of mileage in the 90's.
Your parents made you listen to...My parents didn't make me listen to anything, although there was an abundance of Neil Diamond & Lou Rawls around the house. More often than not, though, my sister & I commandeered the radio as soon as we'd get into the car, so Mom didn't have much of a chance to pop in any of her tunes.
Ignites a specific memory...I couldn't really narrow that down to any one song. I attach music to my memories, what I was listening to when something happend or what kind of music was out during certain periods in my life. I guess that's why I don't like to share music with others too much; music is a very personal thing to me.
You've dedicated to someone...I don't think I've ever done that before.
You identify with...Sex Machine - James Brown Why are you laughing? Stop that!
I found this over at Chris's site & decided to take a whack at it. The idea is to pick the first song that relates to each of the following. Here we go...
Reminds you of your youth...Afternoon Delight - Starland Vocal Band I used to belt this one out at the top of my lungs, thinking it was about an afternoon romp & not knowing what it was really about: lunch.
Gives you the chills...Voodoo Chile (Slight Return) - Stevie Ray Vaughan Quite possibly the best redo of a Jimi Hendrix song. Stevie made that guitar scream! I never had the pleasure of seeing him in concert, but I did get to catch him on Austin City Limits. He shredded so hard on this song that he broke a string & kept on playing. The roadie brought out another guitar & Stevie switched them out without missing a lick.
Makes you want to bang your head...80's speed metal, punk, grunge
OK, those aren't songs.
Get over it.
Oh, alright, I'll give you a few examples: Into the Lungs of Hell/Set the World Afire - Megadeth Actually, all of So Far, So Good...So What? ripped your face off with it's speed & the bombastic assault of Dave Mustaine's snarl, Dave Ellefson's bass & the only appearances of Jeff Young on guitar & Chuck Behler on drums. It blew Metallica out of the water (sorry guys). But the first two tracks are my personal favorites from the album.
Punk? Hands down, The Ramones first album. My best friend in high school turned me on to The Ramones & they were favorites of the band that I was in for a time (What can I say? Their songs were easy to learn.) The only song that lags a bit is I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend, only because it suddenly slows the album down. Before & after that? Pure punk ecstacy.
And last but not least, grunge. Lessee...Nevermind - Nirvana, of course (another favorite of the band); Dirt - Alice In Chains...Dark, dirty &...well...grungy. Would? is one of the greatest songs I've ever heard.
Honorable mentions: The Audience Is Listening - Steve Vai; Ace of Spades & The One To Sing the Blues - Motorhead; Hit the Lights - Metallica (I never said I didn't like 'em...I just like Megadeth better)
You wish you knew the lyrics to...Up the Beach - Jane's Addiction If anyone knows the words, let me know.
Makes you so upset you turn it off...Teenie pop crapola & most rap (I can take some late 80's, but that's about it).
Was/is 'your song' with someone else...Songbird & Anniversary Song - Eva Cassidy, Come Away With Me - Nora Jones...Not really "our songs," but T turned me on to both artists & these three songs remind me of her when I hear them.
*Note - Songbird will be making an appearance in the wedding. It's just that good, people.
Makes you want to dance...Paradise By the Dashboard Light - Meatloaf Does his wife just call him "Meat?"
Helps you heal after a breakup...Pretty Hate Machine - Nine Inch Nails Oh yeah, this tape got a lot of mileage in the 90's.
Your parents made you listen to...My parents didn't make me listen to anything, although there was an abundance of Neil Diamond & Lou Rawls around the house. More often than not, though, my sister & I commandeered the radio as soon as we'd get into the car, so Mom didn't have much of a chance to pop in any of her tunes.
Ignites a specific memory...I couldn't really narrow that down to any one song. I attach music to my memories, what I was listening to when something happend or what kind of music was out during certain periods in my life. I guess that's why I don't like to share music with others too much; music is a very personal thing to me.
You've dedicated to someone...I don't think I've ever done that before.
You identify with...Sex Machine - James Brown Why are you laughing? Stop that!
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Friday, March 26, 2004
Today's the day!
Note: I was going to post this last night, but we got home late. Better late than never.
In a couple hours (it's around 940a right now), T will be getting on a plane & heading out here. So, what better way to make the day even longer than it's already going to be than to document it?
6a - I've got an hour to do some things around the homestead before I have to get moving for work. It seems that my theory on making time go faster by procrastinating has worked...a little too well. I think I may have waited a little too long to get the place straightened up.
Methinks I need to finesse this theory a wee bit.
8a - T-minus twelve & a half hours. *sigh*
948a - Time has ceased to move. I think I may have broken time by putting my procrastination theory into practice.
951a - OK, time is moving, but veeeeeery sllllooooooowllllly.
952a - See what I mean?
1030a - I think I'll go occupy myself at the scanner. Nothing says "timekiller" like scanning documents into the system.
1105a - T called. She's at the terminal waiting to board. "I'll see you tonight" is the best thing I've heard so far today.
1121a - Done with scanning for a bit. Lunch is coming up...& I've got a crapload of running around to do.
1130a - Lunch!
1230p - Back from lunch. Most of it was taken up trying to get a key cut while the person at the mailboxes & stuff store prepared a package & let a little boy help her out. Now, I like kids & all & I enjoy letting them help out on things, but when it's holding up other people...grrrr!
On a much more serious note, Carl's Jr. has stopped offering the Ranch Bacon Cheeseburger. I now officially have no reason to go back there. Except for the Crisscut Fries. And the Superstar (when I have $4 to spend on a cheeseburger). OK, I might go back.
Just not as often.
148p - Just under seven hours until she gets here.
256p - I just fashioned a bow & arrow out of two paperclips, a rubberband (a #14, for its strength, size & elasticity) & some scotch tape. And it worked! I am the weaponsmith of the Warehouse!!! Next up: a nuke made from old Skittles, the glue off the back of a Post-It note & a thumbtack.
257p - In case you hadn't noticed, I'm bored. And I get destructive when I get bored. For the sake of my coworkers, I hope time starts moving a bit faster.
403p - Just over four & a half hours. Arrrgh! Hurry up, clock! Move it! Move it! Move it!
428p - I just heard news of a controlled fire that has now become an out of control fire up near Big Bear. They've started evacuating the area. Y'know, the last time T was out here was just after the Old/Grand Prix fires.
Coincidence? Hmmm...
5p - I'm outta here! Going to get the car washed & grab a paper for while I'm waiting. Hopefully the trafic won't be too bad getting to the airport.
6ish - After a pitstop to grab a taco & only one trip around the parking lot (as opposed to the three times it took in November, I'm at the airport.
The wait begins.
615p - Oh joy. Two little kids are deciding to use the terminal as their playground. And, in typical fashion, the parents are doing the usual "Bobby, don't do that" & "Suzie, stop doing that" routine. Oh yeah, the kids are going to listen to that. Peh.
645p - I've finished the paper. Not a lot going on locally, except that it is rattlesnake season. If you get bitten, get away from the snake, stay calm & seek medical aid. Do not apply a tourniquet, try sucking out the poison or amputate the bitten limb. Do not jump up & down like a crazy person.
This PSA brought to you by MLCotW.
724p - I've finished the crossword puzzle.
Hey, I'm impressed.
I've also found out that T's flight is running ten minutes early. Yay!
758p - Twentynine minutes to go!
810p - Another family, this time with three kids (two younger & one early teen) that are all screwing around. And, of course, the parents aren't doing squat. Then they wonder why their kid's are on the six o'clock news being chased by to police.
815p - I've staked out a place right where I can see her when she gets to the stairs. The aforementioned monsters keep playing by the sliding door, causing it to open & shut. Grrr!
825p - Two. More. Minutes.
827p - Houston...my baby has landed!
845ish - She comes on down the stairs, as beautiful as the last time I saw her (which, coincidentally, was as she went up that same escalator to head back to Arkansas). I've missed her so much. She's in my arms again, weary from the trip, but, she's here.
And I am complete again...
Note: I was going to post this last night, but we got home late. Better late than never.
In a couple hours (it's around 940a right now), T will be getting on a plane & heading out here. So, what better way to make the day even longer than it's already going to be than to document it?
6a - I've got an hour to do some things around the homestead before I have to get moving for work. It seems that my theory on making time go faster by procrastinating has worked...a little too well. I think I may have waited a little too long to get the place straightened up.
Methinks I need to finesse this theory a wee bit.
8a - T-minus twelve & a half hours. *sigh*
948a - Time has ceased to move. I think I may have broken time by putting my procrastination theory into practice.
951a - OK, time is moving, but veeeeeery sllllooooooowllllly.
952a - See what I mean?
1030a - I think I'll go occupy myself at the scanner. Nothing says "timekiller" like scanning documents into the system.
1105a - T called. She's at the terminal waiting to board. "I'll see you tonight" is the best thing I've heard so far today.
1121a - Done with scanning for a bit. Lunch is coming up...& I've got a crapload of running around to do.
1130a - Lunch!
1230p - Back from lunch. Most of it was taken up trying to get a key cut while the person at the mailboxes & stuff store prepared a package & let a little boy help her out. Now, I like kids & all & I enjoy letting them help out on things, but when it's holding up other people...grrrr!
On a much more serious note, Carl's Jr. has stopped offering the Ranch Bacon Cheeseburger. I now officially have no reason to go back there. Except for the Crisscut Fries. And the Superstar (when I have $4 to spend on a cheeseburger). OK, I might go back.
Just not as often.
148p - Just under seven hours until she gets here.
256p - I just fashioned a bow & arrow out of two paperclips, a rubberband (a #14, for its strength, size & elasticity) & some scotch tape. And it worked! I am the weaponsmith of the Warehouse!!! Next up: a nuke made from old Skittles, the glue off the back of a Post-It note & a thumbtack.
257p - In case you hadn't noticed, I'm bored. And I get destructive when I get bored. For the sake of my coworkers, I hope time starts moving a bit faster.
403p - Just over four & a half hours. Arrrgh! Hurry up, clock! Move it! Move it! Move it!
428p - I just heard news of a controlled fire that has now become an out of control fire up near Big Bear. They've started evacuating the area. Y'know, the last time T was out here was just after the Old/Grand Prix fires.
Coincidence? Hmmm...
5p - I'm outta here! Going to get the car washed & grab a paper for while I'm waiting. Hopefully the trafic won't be too bad getting to the airport.
6ish - After a pitstop to grab a taco & only one trip around the parking lot (as opposed to the three times it took in November, I'm at the airport.
The wait begins.
615p - Oh joy. Two little kids are deciding to use the terminal as their playground. And, in typical fashion, the parents are doing the usual "Bobby, don't do that" & "Suzie, stop doing that" routine. Oh yeah, the kids are going to listen to that. Peh.
645p - I've finished the paper. Not a lot going on locally, except that it is rattlesnake season. If you get bitten, get away from the snake, stay calm & seek medical aid. Do not apply a tourniquet, try sucking out the poison or amputate the bitten limb. Do not jump up & down like a crazy person.
This PSA brought to you by MLCotW.
724p - I've finished the crossword puzzle.
Hey, I'm impressed.
I've also found out that T's flight is running ten minutes early. Yay!
758p - Twentynine minutes to go!
810p - Another family, this time with three kids (two younger & one early teen) that are all screwing around. And, of course, the parents aren't doing squat. Then they wonder why their kid's are on the six o'clock news being chased by to police.
815p - I've staked out a place right where I can see her when she gets to the stairs. The aforementioned monsters keep playing by the sliding door, causing it to open & shut. Grrr!
825p - Two. More. Minutes.
827p - Houston...my baby has landed!
845ish - She comes on down the stairs, as beautiful as the last time I saw her (which, coincidentally, was as she went up that same escalator to head back to Arkansas). I've missed her so much. She's in my arms again, weary from the trip, but, she's here.
And I am complete again...
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
Echoes of the past
I knew it was bound to happen one day, what with us working in the same company & all. The exgf called in for some assistance with tracking a delivery. And, of course, I was in the office by myself & had to take the call. Ugh! There was someone that I didn't ever want to hear from again. It took everything I had not to hang up or be a snotball to her.
The thing that bugged me the most though? When I had to call her back. You see, our phones have caller ID boxes on them, which is how I knew it was her calling. What got me is that my name had to have showed up on her ID box. She spoke like she didn't know me. I guess two years didn't make that much of an impression on her.
Meh.
But, right after the call (& after the waves of nausea subsided) I looked at the picture I have of T. I was reminded just how much better I have it now. And just how blessed I am; blessed with someone who cares & loves both me & my son & treats us both with caring & kindness. I look forward to a lifetime of showing her the same :)
Update She emailed me an apology for not saying "Hi" or acknowledging me or anything. Apparently, she was in "crisis mode" &, as was the case when we were together, greeting me was low on the to do list.
I've said it before & I'll say it again - meh.
I knew it was bound to happen one day, what with us working in the same company & all. The exgf called in for some assistance with tracking a delivery. And, of course, I was in the office by myself & had to take the call. Ugh! There was someone that I didn't ever want to hear from again. It took everything I had not to hang up or be a snotball to her.
The thing that bugged me the most though? When I had to call her back. You see, our phones have caller ID boxes on them, which is how I knew it was her calling. What got me is that my name had to have showed up on her ID box. She spoke like she didn't know me. I guess two years didn't make that much of an impression on her.
Meh.
But, right after the call (& after the waves of nausea subsided) I looked at the picture I have of T. I was reminded just how much better I have it now. And just how blessed I am; blessed with someone who cares & loves both me & my son & treats us both with caring & kindness. I look forward to a lifetime of showing her the same :)
Update She emailed me an apology for not saying "Hi" or acknowledging me or anything. Apparently, she was in "crisis mode" &, as was the case when we were together, greeting me was low on the to do list.
I've said it before & I'll say it again - meh.
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
Friday, March 19, 2004
The Friday Five
Finally. The real Friday is here.
If you...
1. ...owned a restaurant, what kind of food would you serve?
Mexican. My specialty would be food that tastes great but peels the first seven layers of skin off the roof of your mouth (I still need to find some more guinea pigs for my Slow Burn Tacos). Of course, there would be food on the menu for those with a more delicate palate. That part of the menu would consist of refried beans & the shredded lettuce garnish that comes on the plate.
2. ...owned a small store, what kind of merchandise would you sell?
A record (yes, I said record) store. It would specialize in hard to find records & good, "real" music (no pop tarts or crappy, flavor of the day crapola).
3. ...wrote a book, what genre would it be?
Fiction. My autobigraphy would be more of a cautionary pamphlet.
4. ...ran a school, what would you teach?
I'd teach the new generation to recognize me as Supreme Lord & Master of the Universe - BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!
Or art.
One of the two.
5. ...recorded an album, what kind of music would be on it?
The band I was in oh so long ago specialized in three chord punk covers, so it's a safe bet there'd be more of the same. The only song that I've ever written & thought up (since I can't write it) the music to has a decidedly country flavor to it.
Yes, country.
I know. It makes me sick, too.
Finally. The real Friday is here.
If you...
1. ...owned a restaurant, what kind of food would you serve?
Mexican. My specialty would be food that tastes great but peels the first seven layers of skin off the roof of your mouth (I still need to find some more guinea pigs for my Slow Burn Tacos). Of course, there would be food on the menu for those with a more delicate palate. That part of the menu would consist of refried beans & the shredded lettuce garnish that comes on the plate.
2. ...owned a small store, what kind of merchandise would you sell?
A record (yes, I said record) store. It would specialize in hard to find records & good, "real" music (no pop tarts or crappy, flavor of the day crapola).
3. ...wrote a book, what genre would it be?
Fiction. My autobigraphy would be more of a cautionary pamphlet.
4. ...ran a school, what would you teach?
I'd teach the new generation to recognize me as Supreme Lord & Master of the Universe - BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!
Or art.
One of the two.
5. ...recorded an album, what kind of music would be on it?
The band I was in oh so long ago specialized in three chord punk covers, so it's a safe bet there'd be more of the same. The only song that I've ever written & thought up (since I can't write it) the music to has a decidedly country flavor to it.
Yes, country.
I know. It makes me sick, too.
Thursday, March 18, 2004
One week
This time next Thursday I will be chompin' at the bit to get out of here (well, moreso than usual). T will be here a week from now. I haven't seen her in more than four months. It's been four months too long. And then, a month after she goes back, I'll be heading back to Arkansas for the wedding.
This will be the last time she gets on a plane without me :)
This time next Thursday I will be chompin' at the bit to get out of here (well, moreso than usual). T will be here a week from now. I haven't seen her in more than four months. It's been four months too long. And then, a month after she goes back, I'll be heading back to Arkansas for the wedding.
This will be the last time she gets on a plane without me :)
I tried to warn her, but would she listen?
Irene is a crafty type person. She decorates cakes, sews, scraps & all that kind of stuff. Her latest endeavor, however, has me concerned.
She's making clowns. More to the point - clown dolls.
I fear for her safety. If I have learned only one thing in my relatively short time on this planet it's that clowns are evil. Pure, unadulterated, eee-vil. And clown dolls? I do not dare to even mention the level of inky, black, dark evil that they represent. People, they exist for one purpose & one purpose only - TO EAT YOUR SOUL!!!
I keep telling her that she's playing with fire, but she's choosing to not heed my warnings. Even her husband can feel their eyeless faces looking at him as he walks past (she hasn't applied the eyes yet). She said that she thought she had twelve made, but must've only made eleven. I know where the "missing" twelfth doll is - it's hiding under the bed with a big butcher knife, just waiting for the right moment to strike & EAT HER SOUL!!!
Nobody will believe me until Irene goes missing for a few weeks. The only thing that the police will find will be a little clown doll that looks exactly like her. Then they'll believe me! They'll see! THEY'LL SEE!!!
*ahem*
Clowns are evil.
Irene is a crafty type person. She decorates cakes, sews, scraps & all that kind of stuff. Her latest endeavor, however, has me concerned.
She's making clowns. More to the point - clown dolls.
I fear for her safety. If I have learned only one thing in my relatively short time on this planet it's that clowns are evil. Pure, unadulterated, eee-vil. And clown dolls? I do not dare to even mention the level of inky, black, dark evil that they represent. People, they exist for one purpose & one purpose only - TO EAT YOUR SOUL!!!
I keep telling her that she's playing with fire, but she's choosing to not heed my warnings. Even her husband can feel their eyeless faces looking at him as he walks past (she hasn't applied the eyes yet). She said that she thought she had twelve made, but must've only made eleven. I know where the "missing" twelfth doll is - it's hiding under the bed with a big butcher knife, just waiting for the right moment to strike & EAT HER SOUL!!!
Nobody will believe me until Irene goes missing for a few weeks. The only thing that the police will find will be a little clown doll that looks exactly like her. Then they'll believe me! They'll see! THEY'LL SEE!!!
*ahem*
Clowns are evil.
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
Best laid plans
For the second day in a row, I got up at 6a (a whole hour before I normally get up) with every intention of getting ready early, maybe going out for a morning walk & getting a few things done around the homestead.
And once again, after having spent an hour reading online, I'll instead get into the shower & then head to work.
*Sigh* If my good intentions were nickels, I'd be a rich, rich man.
For the second day in a row, I got up at 6a (a whole hour before I normally get up) with every intention of getting ready early, maybe going out for a morning walk & getting a few things done around the homestead.
And once again, after having spent an hour reading online, I'll instead get into the shower & then head to work.
*Sigh* If my good intentions were nickels, I'd be a rich, rich man.
Friday, March 12, 2004
The Friday Five
A fresh batch of questions to end the week on:
What was the last song you heard?
New Year's Day - U2 My favorite U2 song.
What were the last two movies you saw?
In the theatres? Hmm...I think - LOTR:The Two Towers & The Ring (that movie freaked me out for two weeks). At home? Monty Python & The Holy Grail ("Your mother was a hamster & your father smelled of elderberries!") & The Good, The Bad & The Ugly (they don't get much uglier than the one armed bounty hunter).
What were the last three things you purchased?
Groceries, a box of Girl Scout cookies (they're made with pure crack, I just know it), a soda at work.
What four things do you need to do this weekend?
1. Think about cleaning the aparment. 2. Procrastinate about cleaning the apartment. 3. Start to clean the apatment. 4. Take a nap.
Who are the last five people you talked to?
The Boy, T, the ex, the Girl Scouts, the checkout lady.
A fresh batch of questions to end the week on:
What was the last song you heard?
New Year's Day - U2 My favorite U2 song.
What were the last two movies you saw?
In the theatres? Hmm...I think - LOTR:The Two Towers & The Ring (that movie freaked me out for two weeks). At home? Monty Python & The Holy Grail ("Your mother was a hamster & your father smelled of elderberries!") & The Good, The Bad & The Ugly (they don't get much uglier than the one armed bounty hunter).
What were the last three things you purchased?
Groceries, a box of Girl Scout cookies (they're made with pure crack, I just know it), a soda at work.
What four things do you need to do this weekend?
1. Think about cleaning the aparment. 2. Procrastinate about cleaning the apartment. 3. Start to clean the apatment. 4. Take a nap.
Who are the last five people you talked to?
The Boy, T, the ex, the Girl Scouts, the checkout lady.
Welcome to Wal-Mart! Bend over, please.
One of the female DJ's on the radio is doing a live broadcast from a prostate cancer examination dealie set up in a Wal-Mart parking lot. I feel sorry for her. She must've lost a bet or something.
The thing that I wonder about, though, is who would want to have a prostate exam done in a Wal-Mart parking lot?
Waitaminute - please don't answer that.
One of the female DJ's on the radio is doing a live broadcast from a prostate cancer examination dealie set up in a Wal-Mart parking lot. I feel sorry for her. She must've lost a bet or something.
The thing that I wonder about, though, is who would want to have a prostate exam done in a Wal-Mart parking lot?
Waitaminute - please don't answer that.
Thursday, March 11, 2004
Sure Happy It's Thursday
T will be here in just under two weeks now. This is now when the time will really start to crawl. Unless I keep putting off cleaning the closet (& the surrounding apartment). Being unprepared for someone's visit makes the time fly on by.
Just call it "using Murphy's Law to my advantage."
T will be here in just under two weeks now. This is now when the time will really start to crawl. Unless I keep putting off cleaning the closet (& the surrounding apartment). Being unprepared for someone's visit makes the time fly on by.
Just call it "using Murphy's Law to my advantage."
New digs
Amy's moved to some swanky new digs. Go check 'em out & say hi to her at Badgroove.com.
And bring her a nice fondue pot or a plant as a housewarming gift.
Amy's moved to some swanky new digs. Go check 'em out & say hi to her at Badgroove.com.
And bring her a nice fondue pot or a plant as a housewarming gift.
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
Da Rules of da room
I started writing about this yesterday & deleted it. Then, lo & behold, Amy brings up the subject at her site. So, I decided to give it another try & bring to you -
THE RULES OF THE MEN'S ROOM
These rules are unspoken. You don't walk into the li'l pardner's room & see them posted on the wall (although, around here, there are a few guys who could stand a refresher course on them). I think the rules are handed down genetically, from father to son. It probably goes back to Adam & Eve's boys (Adam wouldn't have known these rules as there were no other men to share the Men's Room with at the time). I imagine Cain & Abel were going about their business one day & came up with the rules.
Anyway...
The First Rule of the Men's Room is - Whilst one is leaking, there shall be no speaking (or peeking). This is a simple rule, really, yet it's one that's so often broken. When you walk in, you stop talking. It's just that easy. When you're standing there doing what you need to do, do not - I repeat, DO NOT- talk to the guy next to you. And whatever you do, DO NOT turn your head in their direction. Even if you didn't mean to, you may get a glimpse of a side of your coworker that you never, ever wanted to see.
This also applies to the stalls. No talking. Period. I once had a guy challenge me to see who could make the loudest...um...noises.
I politely declined & then left as quickly as I could.
The Second Rule of the Men's Room - If there is an emergency (you flood the toilet or run out of paper) you must wait until the Men's Room is clear & then go to the next stall. This rule kind of goes hand in hand with the First Rule. You see, if you have to ask your neighbor for the plunger or a roll of paper, you've spoken & are in clear violation of the First Rule. The best thing to do to avoid this situation? Check for paper befor settling in & make sure you don't put too much paper in the toilet. My motto: Flush & flush often.
The Third Rule of the Men's Room isn't really a rule...it's more of a right - Whatever happens in the Men's Room (sights, sounds or smells) can & will be used against you by your coworkers. And possibly posted on someones blog. That's right, people. If you gas out the place or cause the windows to rattle & someone's in there to witness it, you're fair game for much snickering & finger pointing when you get back to the office. Thus, it is always to one's advantage to go in when no one else is in there or to at least hang out until everyone has left.
So, there you have it - a reminder for the men &, hopefully, a little insight for the ladies.
I started writing about this yesterday & deleted it. Then, lo & behold, Amy brings up the subject at her site. So, I decided to give it another try & bring to you -
THE RULES OF THE MEN'S ROOM
These rules are unspoken. You don't walk into the li'l pardner's room & see them posted on the wall (although, around here, there are a few guys who could stand a refresher course on them). I think the rules are handed down genetically, from father to son. It probably goes back to Adam & Eve's boys (Adam wouldn't have known these rules as there were no other men to share the Men's Room with at the time). I imagine Cain & Abel were going about their business one day & came up with the rules.
Anyway...
The First Rule of the Men's Room is - Whilst one is leaking, there shall be no speaking (or peeking). This is a simple rule, really, yet it's one that's so often broken. When you walk in, you stop talking. It's just that easy. When you're standing there doing what you need to do, do not - I repeat, DO NOT- talk to the guy next to you. And whatever you do, DO NOT turn your head in their direction. Even if you didn't mean to, you may get a glimpse of a side of your coworker that you never, ever wanted to see.
This also applies to the stalls. No talking. Period. I once had a guy challenge me to see who could make the loudest...um...noises.
I politely declined & then left as quickly as I could.
The Second Rule of the Men's Room - If there is an emergency (you flood the toilet or run out of paper) you must wait until the Men's Room is clear & then go to the next stall. This rule kind of goes hand in hand with the First Rule. You see, if you have to ask your neighbor for the plunger or a roll of paper, you've spoken & are in clear violation of the First Rule. The best thing to do to avoid this situation? Check for paper befor settling in & make sure you don't put too much paper in the toilet. My motto: Flush & flush often.
The Third Rule of the Men's Room isn't really a rule...it's more of a right - Whatever happens in the Men's Room (sights, sounds or smells) can & will be used against you by your coworkers. And possibly posted on someones blog. That's right, people. If you gas out the place or cause the windows to rattle & someone's in there to witness it, you're fair game for much snickering & finger pointing when you get back to the office. Thus, it is always to one's advantage to go in when no one else is in there or to at least hang out until everyone has left.
So, there you have it - a reminder for the men &, hopefully, a little insight for the ladies.
Sunday, March 07, 2004
Ace of Spades & Other Delights
I'm in a crunchy music mood tonight - so much so that I made a playlist to sooth the metalhead in me.
The past ten songs:
Supernova - Liz Phair
Ace of Spades - Motorhead
Peace Sells, But Who's Buying? - Megadeth
Rusty Cage - Soundgarden
You Shook Me All Night Long - AC/DC
100% - Sonic Youth (I think I may have hurt my ears with that one)
Psychobilly Freakout - The Reverend Horton Heat
Destroyer - The Kinks
The One To Sing The Blues - Motorhead, making a second appearance (Media Player's in a crunchy mood too, apparently)
Jesus Built My Hotrod - Ministry
My ears are going to be ringing for a week. After they stop bleeding.
I'm in a crunchy music mood tonight - so much so that I made a playlist to sooth the metalhead in me.
The past ten songs:
Supernova - Liz Phair
Ace of Spades - Motorhead
Peace Sells, But Who's Buying? - Megadeth
Rusty Cage - Soundgarden
You Shook Me All Night Long - AC/DC
100% - Sonic Youth (I think I may have hurt my ears with that one)
Psychobilly Freakout - The Reverend Horton Heat
Destroyer - The Kinks
The One To Sing The Blues - Motorhead, making a second appearance (Media Player's in a crunchy mood too, apparently)
Jesus Built My Hotrod - Ministry
My ears are going to be ringing for a week. After they stop bleeding.
Quiet weekend
It's been a fairly quiet weekend so far. The Boy's with the ex this weekend. Went out to Mom's to make use of the washing machine & picked up "The Good, The Bad & The Ugly" whilst out there. I started watching it last night & realized that I must never have ever finished watching the movie before. I saw things that I don't remember being in the movie. Then, I looked at the runnig time on the DVD box & found out that it's two hours & fortyone minutes long.
Guess I'll have something to occupy me for about three hours.
I added a new read to the Regular Reads list. Go say hello to Chris at Rude Cactus.
And while you do that, I'm going to go procrastinate about finishing cleaning my closet out.
It's been a fairly quiet weekend so far. The Boy's with the ex this weekend. Went out to Mom's to make use of the washing machine & picked up "The Good, The Bad & The Ugly" whilst out there. I started watching it last night & realized that I must never have ever finished watching the movie before. I saw things that I don't remember being in the movie. Then, I looked at the runnig time on the DVD box & found out that it's two hours & fortyone minutes long.
Guess I'll have something to occupy me for about three hours.
I added a new read to the Regular Reads list. Go say hello to Chris at Rude Cactus.
And while you do that, I'm going to go procrastinate about finishing cleaning my closet out.
Friday, March 05, 2004
Friday Five
It's back - enjoy!
What was...
1. ...your first grade teacher's name?
Mrs. Edwards for a month until I moved to Colton. Then it was Mrs. Rock. No foolin'.
2. ...your favorite Saturday morning cartoon?
Bugs Bunny & Friends. The Superfriends rocked too.
3. ...the name of your very first best friend?
Joel. My family would go to his family's house for the day. My mom would come into the room at about 9p to tell me we were going. Joel & I both knew that it'd be 2a before I left.
4. ...your favorite breakfast cereal?
Life. With a ton of sugar.
5. ...your favorite thing to do after school?
Play with my friends Tommy & Johnny (brothers), Angel & L'il Albert (at least that's what we were told his name meant in Spanish). We never knocked on Albert's door to get him. Instead, we'd stand at their gate & yell his name. I'm sure his parents loved us.
It's back - enjoy!
What was...
1. ...your first grade teacher's name?
Mrs. Edwards for a month until I moved to Colton. Then it was Mrs. Rock. No foolin'.
2. ...your favorite Saturday morning cartoon?
Bugs Bunny & Friends. The Superfriends rocked too.
3. ...the name of your very first best friend?
Joel. My family would go to his family's house for the day. My mom would come into the room at about 9p to tell me we were going. Joel & I both knew that it'd be 2a before I left.
4. ...your favorite breakfast cereal?
Life. With a ton of sugar.
5. ...your favorite thing to do after school?
Play with my friends Tommy & Johnny (brothers), Angel & L'il Albert (at least that's what we were told his name meant in Spanish). We never knocked on Albert's door to get him. Instead, we'd stand at their gate & yell his name. I'm sure his parents loved us.
Thursday, March 04, 2004
Eating things so you won't have to
Those of you that have been reading for awhile (all three of you) know that I have inflicted some pretty harsh punishment on my tongue & intestinal tract. There was the Squeeze Cheese. The tofu. Then, my personal favorite, the Baloney Taco. Tonight, though, Loyal Readers, I ingested something that I don't think was meant for consumption of any kind - human or otherwise.
What could possibly be worse than the Squeeze Cheese?
Ladies & Gentlemen, I present to you -
LIBBY'S POTTED MEAT PRODUCT
When I came in to work this morning, I found this innocent looking little can sitting on my desk. Irene had brought it in for me, as we had been talking about deviled ham & Vienna sausages the day before. It looked safe enough at the time, although my first clue to its true, vile nature should have been the ingredient label & the fact that you have to write in to the good folks at International Home Foods to get any nutritional information. The ingredients read as follows:
Mechanically separated chicken (that must've hurt), partially defatted cook pork fatty tissue (huh?), beef tripe (eww!), partially defatted beef fatty tissue (wha...?), vinegar, salt, spices, sugar, flavorings, sodium erythorbate & sodium nitrate
Why I did not turn & run when I read the ingredients, I do not know. Why I didn't listen to the voice in my head (probably my tongue) saying "These are not things that you should be putting in your mouth!", well, I couldn't tell you. Was it the idea of trying something new? Maybe. Was it the possibility of finding yet another cheap yet tasty food to add to the pantry? Possibly. Was it blatant stupidity on my part? Definitely.
I got home & decide to try out this canned culinary curiosity. I popped open the top & was greeted by a substance that for all intents & purposes could've been cat food. It had the color of an old Band-Aid, but the smell was not unlike a can of fine Vienna sausages, so I thought "It must be OK. Anything that smells good can't be all that bad." I prepared the bread with a generous slathering of mayonaise & mustard.
Then, things got nasty.
I put the knife into the can, expecting some resistance from the "meat." I found that the knife went clean through it. No resistance at all. It was exactly like trying to stab water. But the thing that simutaniously amazed & frightened me is that, when I tried to goad the stuff onto the bread, it had to be pushed out of the can. It wouldn't leave the can, but apparently had no solidity.
People - how can a substance be both solid & liquid at the same time?
I put the other piece of bread on top & the "meat" started oozing out the sides. No matter how hard I tried to contain the stuff, it would not quit seeping out. I then took my first bite. It wasn't too bad at first. And then -
Oh. My. Stars. And. Garters.
I could not get the stuff out of my mouth fast enough. All I could think was "By all that is Good & Holy, what have I done?!? I'm going to be sick!" I quickly grabbed a shopping bag & spit the offending mouthful out. I then placed the rest of the sandwiches (yes, there were two) in the bag & tied it off, all while trying to keep from gagging & not to let any of it come in contact with my skin.
I then tried to find anything to get the taste out of my mouth. As I write this now, a good hour after having nearly consumed this foul atrocity from the very kitchen of Hell, I still can't get the flavor out of my mouth. I can't begin to explain just what it tasted like. It was horrid. It defies description. The Squeeze Cheese was at least partly edible when mixed with chili. And the tofu, for all of its beanie weirdness, at least absorbs the flavor of what it's in. This stuff just got worse as I chewed.
I feel nauseous. You know that if something can make me feel ill that it must be bad. If it can make me gag, then for your sake, STAY AWAY FROM IT.
Ugh! Even reading the ingredients again made me queasy. Why do I do this to myself?
PS - Apparently, I'm not the only person to feel this way. There's potted meat a'plenty on Google.
Those of you that have been reading for awhile (all three of you) know that I have inflicted some pretty harsh punishment on my tongue & intestinal tract. There was the Squeeze Cheese. The tofu. Then, my personal favorite, the Baloney Taco. Tonight, though, Loyal Readers, I ingested something that I don't think was meant for consumption of any kind - human or otherwise.
What could possibly be worse than the Squeeze Cheese?
Ladies & Gentlemen, I present to you -
LIBBY'S POTTED MEAT PRODUCT
When I came in to work this morning, I found this innocent looking little can sitting on my desk. Irene had brought it in for me, as we had been talking about deviled ham & Vienna sausages the day before. It looked safe enough at the time, although my first clue to its true, vile nature should have been the ingredient label & the fact that you have to write in to the good folks at International Home Foods to get any nutritional information. The ingredients read as follows:
Mechanically separated chicken (that must've hurt), partially defatted cook pork fatty tissue (huh?), beef tripe (eww!), partially defatted beef fatty tissue (wha...?), vinegar, salt, spices, sugar, flavorings, sodium erythorbate & sodium nitrate
Why I did not turn & run when I read the ingredients, I do not know. Why I didn't listen to the voice in my head (probably my tongue) saying "These are not things that you should be putting in your mouth!", well, I couldn't tell you. Was it the idea of trying something new? Maybe. Was it the possibility of finding yet another cheap yet tasty food to add to the pantry? Possibly. Was it blatant stupidity on my part? Definitely.
I got home & decide to try out this canned culinary curiosity. I popped open the top & was greeted by a substance that for all intents & purposes could've been cat food. It had the color of an old Band-Aid, but the smell was not unlike a can of fine Vienna sausages, so I thought "It must be OK. Anything that smells good can't be all that bad." I prepared the bread with a generous slathering of mayonaise & mustard.
Then, things got nasty.
I put the knife into the can, expecting some resistance from the "meat." I found that the knife went clean through it. No resistance at all. It was exactly like trying to stab water. But the thing that simutaniously amazed & frightened me is that, when I tried to goad the stuff onto the bread, it had to be pushed out of the can. It wouldn't leave the can, but apparently had no solidity.
People - how can a substance be both solid & liquid at the same time?
I put the other piece of bread on top & the "meat" started oozing out the sides. No matter how hard I tried to contain the stuff, it would not quit seeping out. I then took my first bite. It wasn't too bad at first. And then -
Oh. My. Stars. And. Garters.
I could not get the stuff out of my mouth fast enough. All I could think was "By all that is Good & Holy, what have I done?!? I'm going to be sick!" I quickly grabbed a shopping bag & spit the offending mouthful out. I then placed the rest of the sandwiches (yes, there were two) in the bag & tied it off, all while trying to keep from gagging & not to let any of it come in contact with my skin.
I then tried to find anything to get the taste out of my mouth. As I write this now, a good hour after having nearly consumed this foul atrocity from the very kitchen of Hell, I still can't get the flavor out of my mouth. I can't begin to explain just what it tasted like. It was horrid. It defies description. The Squeeze Cheese was at least partly edible when mixed with chili. And the tofu, for all of its beanie weirdness, at least absorbs the flavor of what it's in. This stuff just got worse as I chewed.
I feel nauseous. You know that if something can make me feel ill that it must be bad. If it can make me gag, then for your sake, STAY AWAY FROM IT.
Ugh! Even reading the ingredients again made me queasy. Why do I do this to myself?
PS - Apparently, I'm not the only person to feel this way. There's potted meat a'plenty on Google.
Wednesday, March 03, 2004
Monday, March 01, 2004
Sunday, February 29, 2004
Friday, February 27, 2004
Sorry Kiddies...
No Friday Five this week.
Maybe I'll put my cleverness to work & think up a few later. I'm running late & have something else on my mind right now.
No Friday Five this week.
Maybe I'll put my cleverness to work & think up a few later. I'm running late & have something else on my mind right now.
Thursday, February 26, 2004
Lists - Because I like 'em
I'm bored & am listening to the same "classic" rock songs over & over again (you'd think that the only people who released albums in the 70's were Elton John, Lynyrd Skynyrd & Yes), so, I decided to make the best of both & come up with the
"MLCotW 10 Classic Rock Songs I Could Live Without Hearing (at least for awhile) List"
Here they are, in rough order, with suggested replacement songs:
10. Dream On, Aerosmith - Go ahead, label me a heretic. But I am so tired of this one. Don't get me wrong - it's a great song, a true classic. But, it's not the only Aerosmith song available. Almost any of their other "popular" songs are every bit as good, as well as a great many of the ones that never get any radioplay.
Replace with: Sick As A Dog, Lick & A Promise, Draw The Line or Chip Away The Stone
9. Roundabout, Yes - I'll admit, I've never been a huge fan of Yes. Not that they're horrible or anything (90215 is one of my favorite 80's albums). They just didn't do much for me, is all. But Roundabout has been played waaaay too many times. Give it a breather, Clear Channel. Maybe I'll be able to appreciate it a bit more when I haven't had to hear it ninety bajillion times.
Replace with: Owner Of A Lonely Heart or Changes
8. Renegade, Styx - I was a huge Styx fan growing up. My friend had almost all of their records & we'd listen to them nonstop. I still like them. But Renegade was one of my least favorite songs from one of my least favorite Styx records, Pieces Of Eight. It's not a horrible song. I mean, it does have a certain amount of good, crunchy rock to it. But, there are quite a few better songs in their library.
Replace with: The Best Of Times, Half Penny, Two Penny or Mademoiselle
7. Hollywood Nights, Bob Seger - Once upon a time, in, oh say, 1985, one of the local rock stations played what they called the Firecracker 400 on the Fourth of July weekend. This was comprised only of American rock artists. Bob Seger was played at least every third song. I quickly grew tired of Mr. Seger & have never really gotten over it. He's not bad, per se, but, I dunno...he's kind of like a plain hamburger - filling, but lacking that pizazz that only mustard & cheese bring. Hollywood Nights was one of my least favorite Bob Seger songs to begin with & the Seger saturation that I endured that summer weekend so many years ago didn't help its standing any.
Replace with: I dunno. I'm still not over being sick of him, so I can't think of a good replacement.
6. Sympathy For The Devil, The Rolling Stones - AKA The Woodsy the Owl Song. Not the worst song from their catalog, but the "woo hoo, woo hoo, etc." that goes on & on & on at the end of the song makes me want to drive ice picks into my ears.
Replace with: Respectable or Dance, Little Sister
5. Edge Of Seventeen, Stevie Nicks - I have never, from the first time I heard this song, liked it. I can't even figure out the words: "Just like the one winged dove/Sings a song/Sounds like she's singin'/Who, baby, who, said who?"
Wha...?
Does being an eclectic, New Age-y, witchy looking singer give one license to make songs that make no sense? Apparently it does.
Replace with: Fleetwood Mac's Sara, Hold Me or Tusk
4. Black Magic Woman, Santana - C'mon...did the guy only record two songs during all of the 70's? Besides, he's not the greatest guitar player I've ever heard. The popularity of Santana is kind of lost on me, I guess.
Replace with: Dead air
3. Blinded By The Light, Manfred Mann - Words fail to describe just how sick of this song I am. It's played at least once every three hours on the local station. I was sick of this song twenty years ago & I'm sick of it now.
Replace with: Static
2. Oye Como Va, Santana - Making their second appearance on the list. This song needs to be permanently retired. Really. Please. I am so sick of this song. Make it stop...
Replace with: Commercials
1. Crocodile Rock, Elton John - This, Loyal Readers, has got to be one of the most annoying songs ever unleashed upon the human race (right there next to that rendition of Jingle Bells sung by dogs that they always play around Christmas). Why radio stations insist upon playing it still is beyond me. Why I loved it when I was four years old, well...I was four, fer cryin' out loud!
Replace with: Almost anything by almost anyone!
I'm bored & am listening to the same "classic" rock songs over & over again (you'd think that the only people who released albums in the 70's were Elton John, Lynyrd Skynyrd & Yes), so, I decided to make the best of both & come up with the
"MLCotW 10 Classic Rock Songs I Could Live Without Hearing (at least for awhile) List"
Here they are, in rough order, with suggested replacement songs:
10. Dream On, Aerosmith - Go ahead, label me a heretic. But I am so tired of this one. Don't get me wrong - it's a great song, a true classic. But, it's not the only Aerosmith song available. Almost any of their other "popular" songs are every bit as good, as well as a great many of the ones that never get any radioplay.
Replace with: Sick As A Dog, Lick & A Promise, Draw The Line or Chip Away The Stone
9. Roundabout, Yes - I'll admit, I've never been a huge fan of Yes. Not that they're horrible or anything (90215 is one of my favorite 80's albums). They just didn't do much for me, is all. But Roundabout has been played waaaay too many times. Give it a breather, Clear Channel. Maybe I'll be able to appreciate it a bit more when I haven't had to hear it ninety bajillion times.
Replace with: Owner Of A Lonely Heart or Changes
8. Renegade, Styx - I was a huge Styx fan growing up. My friend had almost all of their records & we'd listen to them nonstop. I still like them. But Renegade was one of my least favorite songs from one of my least favorite Styx records, Pieces Of Eight. It's not a horrible song. I mean, it does have a certain amount of good, crunchy rock to it. But, there are quite a few better songs in their library.
Replace with: The Best Of Times, Half Penny, Two Penny or Mademoiselle
7. Hollywood Nights, Bob Seger - Once upon a time, in, oh say, 1985, one of the local rock stations played what they called the Firecracker 400 on the Fourth of July weekend. This was comprised only of American rock artists. Bob Seger was played at least every third song. I quickly grew tired of Mr. Seger & have never really gotten over it. He's not bad, per se, but, I dunno...he's kind of like a plain hamburger - filling, but lacking that pizazz that only mustard & cheese bring. Hollywood Nights was one of my least favorite Bob Seger songs to begin with & the Seger saturation that I endured that summer weekend so many years ago didn't help its standing any.
Replace with: I dunno. I'm still not over being sick of him, so I can't think of a good replacement.
6. Sympathy For The Devil, The Rolling Stones - AKA The Woodsy the Owl Song. Not the worst song from their catalog, but the "woo hoo, woo hoo, etc." that goes on & on & on at the end of the song makes me want to drive ice picks into my ears.
Replace with: Respectable or Dance, Little Sister
5. Edge Of Seventeen, Stevie Nicks - I have never, from the first time I heard this song, liked it. I can't even figure out the words: "Just like the one winged dove/Sings a song/Sounds like she's singin'/Who, baby, who, said who?"
Wha...?
Does being an eclectic, New Age-y, witchy looking singer give one license to make songs that make no sense? Apparently it does.
Replace with: Fleetwood Mac's Sara, Hold Me or Tusk
4. Black Magic Woman, Santana - C'mon...did the guy only record two songs during all of the 70's? Besides, he's not the greatest guitar player I've ever heard. The popularity of Santana is kind of lost on me, I guess.
Replace with: Dead air
3. Blinded By The Light, Manfred Mann - Words fail to describe just how sick of this song I am. It's played at least once every three hours on the local station. I was sick of this song twenty years ago & I'm sick of it now.
Replace with: Static
2. Oye Como Va, Santana - Making their second appearance on the list. This song needs to be permanently retired. Really. Please. I am so sick of this song. Make it stop...
Replace with: Commercials
1. Crocodile Rock, Elton John - This, Loyal Readers, has got to be one of the most annoying songs ever unleashed upon the human race (right there next to that rendition of Jingle Bells sung by dogs that they always play around Christmas). Why radio stations insist upon playing it still is beyond me. Why I loved it when I was four years old, well...I was four, fer cryin' out loud!
Replace with: Almost anything by almost anyone!
Monday, February 23, 2004
Time Killer
The following questions were sent to me by a couple of friends (thanks Elly & Jess!). The instructions said to send it via email to everyone yadda, yadda. I figured that most of the people in my address book read this site anyway, so I posted 'em here.
Feel free to copy the questions to your own site. If you do, leave me a note in the comments box so I can check out what you wrote.
Enjoy!
*Warning - It's frickin' long.
1. What color are your kitchen plates? Right now, I have one set of white with blue trim & another set of white with green & brown trim. Both sets from my first marriage & both sets scheduled to go to Goodwill when T gets out here.
2. What book are you reading now? I can't read. Why won't you people leave me alone!
3. What's on your mouse pad? I don't have a mouse pad (I've got one of those fancy schmancy optical meeses...Ooo! Ahh!).
4. Favorite magazine? Whatever happens to be in the doctor's waiting room (Highlights being a particular fave).
5. Favorite scents? The denominations with Washington, Kennedy & Eisenhower on them.
6. Least favorite smell? Patchuli oil.
7. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning? Where am I?
8. Favorite color? Green.
9. Least favorite? Least favorite what? Color? Beatle? Location to develop a flesh eating skin disease?
10. How many rings before you answer the phone? That depends - friend or foe?
11. Future child's name? Hmm...if it's a girl, I'd go for Robin (long story), but T's going for Cynthia Rose. And "Stop Doing That" if it's a boy. I figure that I'll probably be telling him that a lot, so I'd kill two birds with one stone.
12. Do you like to drive fast? Define fast.
13. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? No comment.
14. Do you like storms? Oh, yeah!
15. What type was your first car? A 1970 Plymouth Fury ("Christine"). A gigantic, four-door, oxidized green tankcar.
16. If you could meet one human, dead or alive, who would it be? The live one. Meeting a dead human would be kinda creepy.
17. Favorite Alcoholic drink? Ny-Quil.
18. What is your sign and your birthday? My sign - Do not harrass the bear. B-day - 10/14
19. Do you eat the stems of broccoli? Only after they've screamed sufficiently (Who thought up these questions?).
20. If you could have any job, what would it be? Millionaire.
21. If you could have any color hair, what would it be? I like my hair the way it is. I'm starting to get that cool, Mr. Fantastic, greying-around-the-temples look. Although I'm not as stretchy as he is. Yet.
22. Have you ever been in love? I currently am :)
23. Is the glass half full or half empty? Glug, glug, glug...totally empty.
24. Favorite movie(s)? Star Wars. Hi, my name is Jay & I'm a geek.
25. Do you type with your fingers on the right keys? Yup. I type with 'em on the left keys, too.
26. What's under your bed? Terrifying, unspeakable horrors! And a sock.
28. Favorite sport to watch? Hockey. Although, I still haven't figured out what "icing" is.
29. What is your single biggest fear? The return of disco.
30. Say one nice thing about the person who sent this to you. "One nice thing about the person who sent this to you." What was the point in that?
31. Person you sent this to who is most likely to respond? I didn't send it, so I guess I can't expect too many responses.
32. Person you sent this to who is least likely to respond? See #31.
33. For some reason #33 was missing, so we'll make this the "Make up your own question" question: Are you wearing pants right now? Currently - yes.
34. Favorite TV shows? One guilty pleasure that only a few people know about. And history-type shows.
35. Ketchup or Mustard? Mustard! It makes everything taste better. Or at least more mustardy. It's like sunshine in a squeeze bottle!
36. Hamburger or Hot-dog? Hamburger. As rare as leagally possible.
37. Favorite soft drink? Mountain Dew in the morning, Diet Pepsi in the afternoon when I start feeling guilty about the three cheeseburgers I had at lunch.
38. The best places you have ever been? Anyplace with T.
39. What screen saver is on your computer now? The Ramones.
The following questions were sent to me by a couple of friends (thanks Elly & Jess!). The instructions said to send it via email to everyone yadda, yadda. I figured that most of the people in my address book read this site anyway, so I posted 'em here.
Feel free to copy the questions to your own site. If you do, leave me a note in the comments box so I can check out what you wrote.
Enjoy!
*Warning - It's frickin' long.
1. What color are your kitchen plates? Right now, I have one set of white with blue trim & another set of white with green & brown trim. Both sets from my first marriage & both sets scheduled to go to Goodwill when T gets out here.
2. What book are you reading now? I can't read. Why won't you people leave me alone!
3. What's on your mouse pad? I don't have a mouse pad (I've got one of those fancy schmancy optical meeses...Ooo! Ahh!).
4. Favorite magazine? Whatever happens to be in the doctor's waiting room (Highlights being a particular fave).
5. Favorite scents? The denominations with Washington, Kennedy & Eisenhower on them.
6. Least favorite smell? Patchuli oil.
7. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning? Where am I?
8. Favorite color? Green.
9. Least favorite? Least favorite what? Color? Beatle? Location to develop a flesh eating skin disease?
10. How many rings before you answer the phone? That depends - friend or foe?
11. Future child's name? Hmm...if it's a girl, I'd go for Robin (long story), but T's going for Cynthia Rose. And "Stop Doing That" if it's a boy. I figure that I'll probably be telling him that a lot, so I'd kill two birds with one stone.
12. Do you like to drive fast? Define fast.
13. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? No comment.
14. Do you like storms? Oh, yeah!
15. What type was your first car? A 1970 Plymouth Fury ("Christine"). A gigantic, four-door, oxidized green tankcar.
16. If you could meet one human, dead or alive, who would it be? The live one. Meeting a dead human would be kinda creepy.
17. Favorite Alcoholic drink? Ny-Quil.
18. What is your sign and your birthday? My sign - Do not harrass the bear. B-day - 10/14
19. Do you eat the stems of broccoli? Only after they've screamed sufficiently (Who thought up these questions?).
20. If you could have any job, what would it be? Millionaire.
21. If you could have any color hair, what would it be? I like my hair the way it is. I'm starting to get that cool, Mr. Fantastic, greying-around-the-temples look. Although I'm not as stretchy as he is. Yet.
22. Have you ever been in love? I currently am :)
23. Is the glass half full or half empty? Glug, glug, glug...totally empty.
24. Favorite movie(s)? Star Wars. Hi, my name is Jay & I'm a geek.
25. Do you type with your fingers on the right keys? Yup. I type with 'em on the left keys, too.
26. What's under your bed? Terrifying, unspeakable horrors! And a sock.
28. Favorite sport to watch? Hockey. Although, I still haven't figured out what "icing" is.
29. What is your single biggest fear? The return of disco.
30. Say one nice thing about the person who sent this to you. "One nice thing about the person who sent this to you." What was the point in that?
31. Person you sent this to who is most likely to respond? I didn't send it, so I guess I can't expect too many responses.
32. Person you sent this to who is least likely to respond? See #31.
33. For some reason #33 was missing, so we'll make this the "Make up your own question" question: Are you wearing pants right now? Currently - yes.
34. Favorite TV shows? One guilty pleasure that only a few people know about. And history-type shows.
35. Ketchup or Mustard? Mustard! It makes everything taste better. Or at least more mustardy. It's like sunshine in a squeeze bottle!
36. Hamburger or Hot-dog? Hamburger. As rare as leagally possible.
37. Favorite soft drink? Mountain Dew in the morning, Diet Pepsi in the afternoon when I start feeling guilty about the three cheeseburgers I had at lunch.
38. The best places you have ever been? Anyplace with T.
39. What screen saver is on your computer now? The Ramones.
Sunday, February 22, 2004
Ten Weeks
We've got about ten weeks left 'til the Big Day. It just can't get here quick enough. T's been away far too long.
For you there’ll be no crying
For you the sun will be shining
‘Cause I feel that when I’m with you
It’s alright, I know it’s right
And the songbirds keep singing
Like they know the score
And I love you, I love you, I love you
Like never before
To you, I would give the world
To you, I’d never be cold
‘Cause I feel that when I’m with you
It’s alright, I know it’s right
And the songbirds keep singing
Like they know the score
And I love you, I love you, I love you
Like never before
Like never before; like never before.
-Songbird, Eva Cassidy
We've got about ten weeks left 'til the Big Day. It just can't get here quick enough. T's been away far too long.
For you there’ll be no crying
For you the sun will be shining
‘Cause I feel that when I’m with you
It’s alright, I know it’s right
And the songbirds keep singing
Like they know the score
And I love you, I love you, I love you
Like never before
To you, I would give the world
To you, I’d never be cold
‘Cause I feel that when I’m with you
It’s alright, I know it’s right
And the songbirds keep singing
Like they know the score
And I love you, I love you, I love you
Like never before
Like never before; like never before.
-Songbird, Eva Cassidy
Friday, February 20, 2004
The Friday Five
Here you go, kiddies. Today's Friday Five:
When was the last time you...
1. ...went to the doctor? See previous post (Weren't you paying attention?)
2. ...went to the dentist? Uhh...I took The Boy there a few years ago. I think.
3. ...filled your gas tank? Tonight ($2 a freakin' gallon?)
4. ...got enough sleep? Last night. I drempt about rattlesnakes the night before, so it wasn't too pleasant.
5. ...backed up your computer? It's on the To-Do list. Of course, it's been on the To-Do list for about three years now.
Here you go, kiddies. Today's Friday Five:
When was the last time you...
1. ...went to the doctor? See previous post (Weren't you paying attention?)
2. ...went to the dentist? Uhh...I took The Boy there a few years ago. I think.
3. ...filled your gas tank? Tonight ($2 a freakin' gallon?)
4. ...got enough sleep? Last night. I drempt about rattlesnakes the night before, so it wasn't too pleasant.
5. ...backed up your computer? It's on the To-Do list. Of course, it's been on the To-Do list for about three years now.
Landmines & Liquid Soap
I guess my diet is starting to catch up with me. Tuesday after lunch, my stomach started feeling a bit queasy. Perhaps my grease levels are at their max, I don't know. Anyway, I wasn't feeling well the rest of the evening & woke up the next morning feeling much the same. So, I called my doctor's office to try to get in that morning. After waiting on hold for an hour (I kid you not), I finally spoke to one of the admissions people. It went something like this:
Admin: What do you need to be seen for today?
Me: After lunch yesterday, my stomach started hurting. Now it's moving up to the top of my stomach, just under my ribcage. I'm worried that my gastrointestinal system is finally revolting against me after years of unhealthy eating & that it's going to take over my brain.
Admin: Let me see if we have any openings...I'm sorry, the only openings we have today are for acute problems. Yours is acute, but...
Me: ...but not a"cute" enough? Haaaaahahahahahaaaa...
Admin: *Ahem* Anyway, the soonest I can get you in is next Tuesday.
Me: Next Tuesday? I'll be dead by then. My stomach will have completely consumed me. I'm telling you, it's gunning for the top spot in my body!
Admin: I'm sorry, sir. You can try calling in tomorrow morning. We tell our patients to try calling in right at 7:30.
Me: I've been waiting on the phone for an hour. You mean to tell me that all this time that I've been stuck in Please Hold Hell has been wasted? I played - & lost - 17 straight games of solitaire for nothing?
Admin: Were you playing regular solitaire or Vegas style?
Me: Vegas style. I was down $274.
Admin: Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. Well, the only advice I can give you if you want to be seen today is to try the Urgent Care office.
Admin: And to stay away from Las Vegas.
Me: Gee, thanks...
So, I got myself dressed & headed down to the Urgent Care. I determined that if I went & there was a line out the door (not unusual), I'd just wait & call in to my regular doctor the next morning.
I got there &, amazingly, found a relatively close parking spot. When I got to the check-in, I found that they had renovated the office & took all of the seating out. So, I signed in on a slip of paper & handed it to the nurse. She walked away & then returned with a device that looked like a landmine. Or a coffee cup warmer. One of the two. Turned out that it was actually a pager. I was told that they would page me when they were ready for me. I asked where the waiting room seating was now located & she directed me down the hall & around a corner. Thus the need for the pager/mine/cup warmer. So, I headed to the waiting area. When I got there, I was greeted with the sight of about five other patients waiting. Now, there may have been more, but there were quite a few extra people that may have been family members. I didn't ask them, so I can't be positive.
I found myself a seat & some light reading material (the local edition of Lands & Home) & settled in for a bit of a wait. Unfortunately, there was a child there with a mother that apparently didn't seem to think anyone else minded hearing her child talk & scream as loud as possible. I minded. All I could hear was the kid yelling & the mother saying, very softly, "Don't do that" & calling her name - as if a three year old would respond to this.
My pager finally went off (or got ready to explode) & I went back to the check-in. They pointed me over to a nurse in a cubicle so they could take my vitals. I was able to get right back to the check-in station to pay my co-pay, which was convenient, otherwise, I would've had to have waited for them to page me again.
Unfortunately, I still had to go back to the waiting room. At this point, I'd been waiting for a little over two hours, which, sadly, was better than I thought it'd be. The last time I went to Urgent Care, I arrived at about one o'clock & left (the emergency room) at about nine o'clock.
I finally got called in to the examination area - & waited again. I think I read half of a Readers' Digest from last October while I was there. The doctor came in &, in this order & the time that it takes you to read this, introduced himself, asked what was wrong, poked me in the stomach & left. A bit later, he came back & told me that he was going to have me drink some concotion that would settle my stomach & numb it to ease the discomfort.
Shortly after that, a nurse brought in a cup of what looked to be green liquid hand soap. It had the same consistency. It even smelled like liquid soap. So, I braced myself & threw the cocktail back. I found out that it also tasted like hand soap. And to top it off, the numbing agent in the mix coated not only my stomach, but, of course, my throat & tongue. After a few minutes of forcing myself to swallow, I finally started to regain feeling. And, once again, Dr. Flash came in, looked at me & then sent me on my way.
It was now almost one o'clock & I was finally on my way.
All that & I didn't even get a lollipop.
I guess my diet is starting to catch up with me. Tuesday after lunch, my stomach started feeling a bit queasy. Perhaps my grease levels are at their max, I don't know. Anyway, I wasn't feeling well the rest of the evening & woke up the next morning feeling much the same. So, I called my doctor's office to try to get in that morning. After waiting on hold for an hour (I kid you not), I finally spoke to one of the admissions people. It went something like this:
Admin: What do you need to be seen for today?
Me: After lunch yesterday, my stomach started hurting. Now it's moving up to the top of my stomach, just under my ribcage. I'm worried that my gastrointestinal system is finally revolting against me after years of unhealthy eating & that it's going to take over my brain.
Admin: Let me see if we have any openings...I'm sorry, the only openings we have today are for acute problems. Yours is acute, but...
Me: ...but not a"cute" enough? Haaaaahahahahahaaaa...
Admin: *Ahem* Anyway, the soonest I can get you in is next Tuesday.
Me: Next Tuesday? I'll be dead by then. My stomach will have completely consumed me. I'm telling you, it's gunning for the top spot in my body!
Admin: I'm sorry, sir. You can try calling in tomorrow morning. We tell our patients to try calling in right at 7:30.
Me: I've been waiting on the phone for an hour. You mean to tell me that all this time that I've been stuck in Please Hold Hell has been wasted? I played - & lost - 17 straight games of solitaire for nothing?
Admin: Were you playing regular solitaire or Vegas style?
Me: Vegas style. I was down $274.
Admin: Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. Well, the only advice I can give you if you want to be seen today is to try the Urgent Care office.
Admin: And to stay away from Las Vegas.
Me: Gee, thanks...
So, I got myself dressed & headed down to the Urgent Care. I determined that if I went & there was a line out the door (not unusual), I'd just wait & call in to my regular doctor the next morning.
I got there &, amazingly, found a relatively close parking spot. When I got to the check-in, I found that they had renovated the office & took all of the seating out. So, I signed in on a slip of paper & handed it to the nurse. She walked away & then returned with a device that looked like a landmine. Or a coffee cup warmer. One of the two. Turned out that it was actually a pager. I was told that they would page me when they were ready for me. I asked where the waiting room seating was now located & she directed me down the hall & around a corner. Thus the need for the pager/mine/cup warmer. So, I headed to the waiting area. When I got there, I was greeted with the sight of about five other patients waiting. Now, there may have been more, but there were quite a few extra people that may have been family members. I didn't ask them, so I can't be positive.
I found myself a seat & some light reading material (the local edition of Lands & Home) & settled in for a bit of a wait. Unfortunately, there was a child there with a mother that apparently didn't seem to think anyone else minded hearing her child talk & scream as loud as possible. I minded. All I could hear was the kid yelling & the mother saying, very softly, "Don't do that" & calling her name - as if a three year old would respond to this.
My pager finally went off (or got ready to explode) & I went back to the check-in. They pointed me over to a nurse in a cubicle so they could take my vitals. I was able to get right back to the check-in station to pay my co-pay, which was convenient, otherwise, I would've had to have waited for them to page me again.
Unfortunately, I still had to go back to the waiting room. At this point, I'd been waiting for a little over two hours, which, sadly, was better than I thought it'd be. The last time I went to Urgent Care, I arrived at about one o'clock & left (the emergency room) at about nine o'clock.
I finally got called in to the examination area - & waited again. I think I read half of a Readers' Digest from last October while I was there. The doctor came in &, in this order & the time that it takes you to read this, introduced himself, asked what was wrong, poked me in the stomach & left. A bit later, he came back & told me that he was going to have me drink some concotion that would settle my stomach & numb it to ease the discomfort.
Shortly after that, a nurse brought in a cup of what looked to be green liquid hand soap. It had the same consistency. It even smelled like liquid soap. So, I braced myself & threw the cocktail back. I found out that it also tasted like hand soap. And to top it off, the numbing agent in the mix coated not only my stomach, but, of course, my throat & tongue. After a few minutes of forcing myself to swallow, I finally started to regain feeling. And, once again, Dr. Flash came in, looked at me & then sent me on my way.
It was now almost one o'clock & I was finally on my way.
All that & I didn't even get a lollipop.
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
Monday, February 16, 2004
I'm always the last to know
Ken & Barbie call it quits after 43 years.
She's getting the townhouse & the 'Vette & he's getting the RV, I've heard.
Ken & Barbie call it quits after 43 years.
She's getting the townhouse & the 'Vette & he's getting the RV, I've heard.
I work in frickin' "Office Space"
* Note - I had actually written about this on Friday, but I...er..."accidentally" killed my computer & the main license printer at work & lost the original post. D'oh! *
I work in "Office Space." Or a "Dilbert" comic.
How do I know this, you ask?
Why, because Friday was - CRAZY HAT DAY! (Insert wacky music & sound effects here)
Yeah. Crazy. Hat. Day.
Here's an idea I have for a theme day:
FREAKIN' QUIT WITH THE STUPID, SUPPOSED MORALE BOOSTING CRAP & JUST PAY JAY MORE MONEY Day
Hey, there's already UNIVERSAL IRRITATE THE CRAP OUT OF JAY Day. It could be huge.
* Note - I had actually written about this on Friday, but I...er..."accidentally" killed my computer & the main license printer at work & lost the original post. D'oh! *
I work in "Office Space." Or a "Dilbert" comic.
How do I know this, you ask?
Why, because Friday was - CRAZY HAT DAY! (Insert wacky music & sound effects here)
Yeah. Crazy. Hat. Day.
Here's an idea I have for a theme day:
FREAKIN' QUIT WITH THE STUPID, SUPPOSED MORALE BOOSTING CRAP & JUST PAY JAY MORE MONEY Day
Hey, there's already UNIVERSAL IRRITATE THE CRAP OUT OF JAY Day. It could be huge.
Ohshootohshootohshoot!
So, yesterday, The Boy & I decided to go to the high school, shoot some hoops & make a few rounds of the track. Well, the hills behind the school have been calling to me lately. Calling me to climb them & romp & frolic amongst the weeds. I finally gave in.
After we had done the aforementioned hoop shooting & rounding of the track, we decided to try to climb to one of the trails on the hill. That was easier said than done, especially since we had a basketball & his bike. We walked around the school & finally found a trail going up to the field behind the FFA area. The adventurer in me took charge & I trudged up the narrow trail with The Boys bike pushing through the weeds that reached across the path. Unfortunately, for The Boy, when I would push through the weeds, they would whip behind me & hit him in the face.
We reached a clearing at the top of the path, behind the new houses, & found that if we were going to get to the trail above, we'd have to leave the bike & ball & jump a shallow drainage ditch. I didn't want to leave the things, so we headed back down the trail. The Boy got on his bike & started coasting down.
Now, I used to do this stuff all the time. Before "extreme mountainbiking" was a fad, my best frind & I were hauling our bikes up the sides of hills & careening back down, trying not do kill ourselves. No helmets. No pads. It's a wonder I'm alive today. The Boy, on the other hand, had never done this before.
Before I knew it, he was flying down the trail & all I could hear was his saying "Ohshootohshootohshoot!" as he rode into one of the scrub bushes. When I got to him I couldn't stop laughing. He was alright, having managed to get off the bike without crashing. He had taken out one of the bushes & had a bunch of twigs & sticks stuck in his spokes, but he was none the worse for his harrowing experience.
The Boy's going to have so much to tell his therapist about one day.
So, yesterday, The Boy & I decided to go to the high school, shoot some hoops & make a few rounds of the track. Well, the hills behind the school have been calling to me lately. Calling me to climb them & romp & frolic amongst the weeds. I finally gave in.
After we had done the aforementioned hoop shooting & rounding of the track, we decided to try to climb to one of the trails on the hill. That was easier said than done, especially since we had a basketball & his bike. We walked around the school & finally found a trail going up to the field behind the FFA area. The adventurer in me took charge & I trudged up the narrow trail with The Boys bike pushing through the weeds that reached across the path. Unfortunately, for The Boy, when I would push through the weeds, they would whip behind me & hit him in the face.
We reached a clearing at the top of the path, behind the new houses, & found that if we were going to get to the trail above, we'd have to leave the bike & ball & jump a shallow drainage ditch. I didn't want to leave the things, so we headed back down the trail. The Boy got on his bike & started coasting down.
Now, I used to do this stuff all the time. Before "extreme mountainbiking" was a fad, my best frind & I were hauling our bikes up the sides of hills & careening back down, trying not do kill ourselves. No helmets. No pads. It's a wonder I'm alive today. The Boy, on the other hand, had never done this before.
Before I knew it, he was flying down the trail & all I could hear was his saying "Ohshootohshootohshoot!" as he rode into one of the scrub bushes. When I got to him I couldn't stop laughing. He was alright, having managed to get off the bike without crashing. He had taken out one of the bushes & had a bunch of twigs & sticks stuck in his spokes, but he was none the worse for his harrowing experience.
The Boy's going to have so much to tell his therapist about one day.
Friday, February 13, 2004
Just under the wire
This weeks Friday Five. Enjoy!
1. Are you superstitious?
Nope. A little obsessive/compulsive, though. Which is kind of the same, just more annoying.
2. What extremes have you heard of someone going to in the name of superstition?
Atheletes who wear the same socks, unwashed, for the whole season. That's just nassy, people!
3. Believer or not, what's your favorite superstition?
The lucky rabbits foot. Obviously, it wasn't very lucky for the rabbit.
4. Do you believe in luck? If yes, do you have a lucky number/article of clothing/ritual?
I don't believe in luck. I do, however, keep little knick knacks & whatnot that remind me of people or things. For instance, I keep an Arkansas quarter in my left pocket all the time (OK everybody - Awwwww!).
5. Do you believe in astrology? Why or why not?
I don't believe in astrology, mainly because of my faith, but also because I don't believe that the stars have much to do with guiding my life.
Here's a question for you - do you think that the famous astrologer Jean Dixon was surprised when she died? "Whoa! Didn't see that one coming..."
This weeks Friday Five. Enjoy!
1. Are you superstitious?
Nope. A little obsessive/compulsive, though. Which is kind of the same, just more annoying.
2. What extremes have you heard of someone going to in the name of superstition?
Atheletes who wear the same socks, unwashed, for the whole season. That's just nassy, people!
3. Believer or not, what's your favorite superstition?
The lucky rabbits foot. Obviously, it wasn't very lucky for the rabbit.
4. Do you believe in luck? If yes, do you have a lucky number/article of clothing/ritual?
I don't believe in luck. I do, however, keep little knick knacks & whatnot that remind me of people or things. For instance, I keep an Arkansas quarter in my left pocket all the time (OK everybody - Awwwww!).
5. Do you believe in astrology? Why or why not?
I don't believe in astrology, mainly because of my faith, but also because I don't believe that the stars have much to do with guiding my life.
Here's a question for you - do you think that the famous astrologer Jean Dixon was surprised when she died? "Whoa! Didn't see that one coming..."
Thursday, February 12, 2004
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
Saturday, February 07, 2004
Food That Makes People Question My Sanity
The Baloney Taco.
Yep, you read that right - Baloney Taco, invented today by yours truly because I didn't feel like getting all of the makings for a sandwich out.
Ingredients:
Sliced Baloney
BBQ Chips
Mustard
Instructions
Apply mustard to slice of baloney, to taste. Add BBQ chips. Fold like a taco, being careful not to squish mustard out the back. Enjoy!
The Boy actually tried one, after a little cajoling from me. He wasn't as enthused about the end result. I told him that one day he'll be living in his college dorm with half a pack of baloney, a bottle of mustard & a bag of BBQ chips from the vending macine down the hall & he'll thank me for showing him this culinary treat.
Trust me. I once lived off of Dr Pepper & Oreos.
The Baloney Taco.
Yep, you read that right - Baloney Taco, invented today by yours truly because I didn't feel like getting all of the makings for a sandwich out.
Ingredients:
Sliced Baloney
BBQ Chips
Mustard
Instructions
Apply mustard to slice of baloney, to taste. Add BBQ chips. Fold like a taco, being careful not to squish mustard out the back. Enjoy!
The Boy actually tried one, after a little cajoling from me. He wasn't as enthused about the end result. I told him that one day he'll be living in his college dorm with half a pack of baloney, a bottle of mustard & a bag of BBQ chips from the vending macine down the hall & he'll thank me for showing him this culinary treat.
Trust me. I once lived off of Dr Pepper & Oreos.
It's over
It finally happened today. I knew it was coming. I guess I was in a bit of denial. I just didn't want to believe it, even though all the signs were there.
We had a good time together while it lasted. I remember the first time I laid eyes on her. Beautiful is not even an adequate word to describe what I saw. And for the short time that I woke in the morning to see her...it just made the world seem so much better. But, I guess all good things must come to an end.
Yes, Loyal Readers...
I finally took the Christmas tree down. *sniff*
I'll be OK...really. There's always next season.
What did you think I was talking about?
It finally happened today. I knew it was coming. I guess I was in a bit of denial. I just didn't want to believe it, even though all the signs were there.
We had a good time together while it lasted. I remember the first time I laid eyes on her. Beautiful is not even an adequate word to describe what I saw. And for the short time that I woke in the morning to see her...it just made the world seem so much better. But, I guess all good things must come to an end.
Yes, Loyal Readers...
I finally took the Christmas tree down. *sniff*
I'll be OK...really. There's always next season.
What did you think I was talking about?
Friday, February 06, 2004
The Friday Five
Here you go, boys & girls - this weeks Friday Five:
1. What's the most daring thing you've ever done?
Hmm...just getting on the freeways in So Cal is pretty daring.
2. What one thing would you like to try that your mother/friend/significant other would never approve of?
Sky diving. It's not so much that T doesn't approve - just that she'll be on the ground, nice & safe, waiting for me.
3. On a scale of 1-10, what's your risk factor? (1=never take risks, 10=it's a lifestyle)
I'm pretty boring. Probably a 3.
4. What's the best thing that's ever happened to you as a result of being bold/risky?
I met T (you expected something else?).
5. ... and what's the worst?
I suppose the worst thing would be to fail & look bad. But, hey - better to have tried & failed than to have not tried at all.
Or so I'm told.
Here you go, boys & girls - this weeks Friday Five:
1. What's the most daring thing you've ever done?
Hmm...just getting on the freeways in So Cal is pretty daring.
2. What one thing would you like to try that your mother/friend/significant other would never approve of?
Sky diving. It's not so much that T doesn't approve - just that she'll be on the ground, nice & safe, waiting for me.
3. On a scale of 1-10, what's your risk factor? (1=never take risks, 10=it's a lifestyle)
I'm pretty boring. Probably a 3.
4. What's the best thing that's ever happened to you as a result of being bold/risky?
I met T (you expected something else?).
5. ... and what's the worst?
I suppose the worst thing would be to fail & look bad. But, hey - better to have tried & failed than to have not tried at all.
Or so I'm told.
Thursday, February 05, 2004
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
T-Minus Three Months & Counting
Three months. Three months! I was reminded today by Blonde In The Corner that I only have three months of singleness left. It doesn't seem possible that the Big Day is almost here. Back in October, when I proposed to T, back in August & September, when I knew I wanted to ask her to marry me, May seemed
like a lifetime away. Looking back, it seems to have sped on by. But when I look ahead to these next few months, it still seems so far away. It just can't seem to get here soon enough.
It's been about three months since I last saw T. Three months since I had to take her back to the airport & watch her leave. That day, I was not a happy Jay. That was the last time I was able to touch her & hold
her close to me. The last time I felt complete. I know that we've got the rest of our lives together. I just wish the rest of our lives would hurry up & get started.
I miss her like I've never missed anyone before. I want to be near her, epecially now. The time is just taking so long. It feels like I've been under water too long & am swimming to the surface. I feel like I can't get there fast enough. Just as my lungs would ache for a breath of air, my heart aches to be with her.
So much has been done, but there's still a lot left to take care of. We've got the rings. T's got her dress & many of the decorations for the church. The Boy & I are getting fitted for our suits. But we're still trying to figure out the logistics of getting her stuff out here & looking for a job for her & a plethora of other things.
It's all going to be worth it, though. In a few months, I'll finally have my best friend with me. I'll be by her side. We'll finally be together, after having spend the first part of our lives apart, waiting for each other.
* sigh *
Is it April yet?
Three months. Three months! I was reminded today by Blonde In The Corner that I only have three months of singleness left. It doesn't seem possible that the Big Day is almost here. Back in October, when I proposed to T, back in August & September, when I knew I wanted to ask her to marry me, May seemed
like a lifetime away. Looking back, it seems to have sped on by. But when I look ahead to these next few months, it still seems so far away. It just can't seem to get here soon enough.
It's been about three months since I last saw T. Three months since I had to take her back to the airport & watch her leave. That day, I was not a happy Jay. That was the last time I was able to touch her & hold
her close to me. The last time I felt complete. I know that we've got the rest of our lives together. I just wish the rest of our lives would hurry up & get started.
I miss her like I've never missed anyone before. I want to be near her, epecially now. The time is just taking so long. It feels like I've been under water too long & am swimming to the surface. I feel like I can't get there fast enough. Just as my lungs would ache for a breath of air, my heart aches to be with her.
So much has been done, but there's still a lot left to take care of. We've got the rings. T's got her dress & many of the decorations for the church. The Boy & I are getting fitted for our suits. But we're still trying to figure out the logistics of getting her stuff out here & looking for a job for her & a plethora of other things.
It's all going to be worth it, though. In a few months, I'll finally have my best friend with me. I'll be by her side. We'll finally be together, after having spend the first part of our lives apart, waiting for each other.
* sigh *
Is it April yet?
The Neverending Meme
I found this over at Amy's, & she found it somewhere & they found it...etc. If you feel so inclined, copy the list to your blog, bold text the things you have in common with me & replace the rest with something about you. Ping me with your results. It's just that easy!
Here we go...
I love banana flavored baby food.
Music stores are my favorite places to shop.
I drink way too much soda.
I love my Magic 8-Ball pen.
I love pet rats. Get over yerselves!
I love it when I get some free time, with absolutely no obligation other than sitting and being alone in my own thoughts.
I like making lists.
I love to eat pizza.
I don't wear much makeup. Really...I don't.
I wear no jewelry.
I have glasses, but prefer my contacts.
I can't stand the smell of most perfumes.
I am an older sibling.
I have never been to china.
I like to sing in the car.
I cannot spell "crocheter." Is that even a real word?
I often forget to take my vitamins.
I own more comic books than I have bookshelves to put them on.
I still dig 80s hair bands.
I wash my hands often.
I love my family.
I work in a different town than which I live.
I love oil lamps.
I can sew buttons. They just don't stay on.
I love to read.
I like my drawing books.
I will kick the person next to me, just because.
I have very dry skin on the outside of my body.
I enjoy being lazy.
I would enjoy a vacation to someplace warm.
I haven't seen my natural hair color since I was a teenager. Well, more since my early 20's when the white started showing up.
I am planning a trip to Arkansas.
I get to go home in 3 hours & 15 minutes.
I need to exercise more.
I own 3 pairs of shoes & my combat boots.
I loathe reality shows.
I have five email accounts...all with different passwords.
I would like to lose my ex in the woods.
I already found Ms. Right.
I love to eat.
I prefer the West Coast.
I am in love with T (oh, like you didn't see that one coming)
I don't go to the doctor as often as I should.
I ignore all of the people in my office.
I wear contacts.
I have very strange dreams most nights.
I watch The Simpsons & have memorized waaaay too many lines from the show.
I have worked for the same company for over five years.
I want to go back to Knott's Berry Farm.
I do not have a sock-buying fetish...I can't remember the last time I bought my own.
I hope I get a raise this year!
I found this over at Amy's, & she found it somewhere & they found it...etc. If you feel so inclined, copy the list to your blog, bold text the things you have in common with me & replace the rest with something about you. Ping me with your results. It's just that easy!
Here we go...
I love banana flavored baby food.
Music stores are my favorite places to shop.
I drink way too much soda.
I love my Magic 8-Ball pen.
I love pet rats. Get over yerselves!
I love it when I get some free time, with absolutely no obligation other than sitting and being alone in my own thoughts.
I like making lists.
I love to eat pizza.
I don't wear much makeup. Really...I don't.
I wear no jewelry.
I have glasses, but prefer my contacts.
I can't stand the smell of most perfumes.
I am an older sibling.
I have never been to china.
I like to sing in the car.
I cannot spell "crocheter." Is that even a real word?
I often forget to take my vitamins.
I own more comic books than I have bookshelves to put them on.
I still dig 80s hair bands.
I wash my hands often.
I love my family.
I work in a different town than which I live.
I love oil lamps.
I can sew buttons. They just don't stay on.
I love to read.
I like my drawing books.
I will kick the person next to me, just because.
I have very dry skin on the outside of my body.
I enjoy being lazy.
I would enjoy a vacation to someplace warm.
I haven't seen my natural hair color since I was a teenager. Well, more since my early 20's when the white started showing up.
I am planning a trip to Arkansas.
I get to go home in 3 hours & 15 minutes.
I need to exercise more.
I own 3 pairs of shoes & my combat boots.
I loathe reality shows.
I have five email accounts...all with different passwords.
I would like to lose my ex in the woods.
I already found Ms. Right.
I love to eat.
I prefer the West Coast.
I am in love with T (oh, like you didn't see that one coming)
I don't go to the doctor as often as I should.
I ignore all of the people in my office.
I wear contacts.
I have very strange dreams most nights.
I watch The Simpsons & have memorized waaaay too many lines from the show.
I have worked for the same company for over five years.
I want to go back to Knott's Berry Farm.
I do not have a sock-buying fetish...I can't remember the last time I bought my own.
I hope I get a raise this year!
What have I done?
I've become hooked on the local .99 cent store. It's the worst possible place for an impulse shopper to go to, though. I have to drag myself out before I end up buying a ton of Vienna sausages or a dozen pairs of sunglasses & eight wall calendars. Seriously. Eight calendars. Every time I go.
I had been in the store one day & noticed that the little old lady in front of me was purchasing gallons of squeezable cheese. Literally. A while later, I was hungry for nachos. I don't know why. Subliminal messages from the Government? Aliens? It is possible - after all, I wasn't wearing my Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie. Regardless of the origin of my nachos jonesing, I found myself back at the .99 cent store, with a bag of tortilla chips, a can of chili with a faded label (I'm hoping it was chili - they do sell Alpo there, too) & a bottle of nacho cheese flavored squeeze cheese. I resisted the urge to grab two bottles of the cheese & was grateful for that rare display of willpower later.
I got home, mouth watering in anticipation of the Mexican delicacy that I was about to partake of. I should've known something wasn't right when I removed the safety foil. I looked into the bottle, anticipating seeing a creamy, cheesy, artery clogging delight. Instead, I was greeted with by the sight of a substance with the consistency of bathtub caulking. Yellowy-orange bathtub caulking. With flecks of green & red. I was concerned, at this point, that I may have accidentally picked up the wrong bottle. I placed the squeeze top back on the bottle & put some of this substance of questionable edibility into a cup so that I could warm it up. I
thought that a little microwave action might make it a little softer.
Now, let me tell you a little something about me - I have a cast iron stomach & can stand a pretty high degree of grossness without getting queasy. And I'll eat just about anything. This is no exaggeration.
This stuff, however, put my intestinal fortitude to the test.
I squeezed the bottle. And squeezed the bottle. An shook the bottle. And squeezed the bottle again. Finally, the cheese started oozing out. What it looked like, Loyal Reader, was not something you'd want to put in your mouth. I'll not go into a description of what went through my mind, other than that I kept thinking "Oh my goodness, I'm going to be sick!"
My desire for nachos overrode my gag reflex, though. I mixed the cheese with a spoon, trying to make it look more appetizing. This, unfortunately, stirred up the smell of the cheese. This did not help matters. A glob of the cheese stuck to the spoon & I was unsure of how to get it into the cup without touching it. I tried shaking the spoon into the cup, tapping it on the rim, but no matter how hard I tried, the cheese/caulk mixture would not release it's grip on the spoon. My only other options were to scrape the concoction into the cup with my finger or to just lick the spoon off. The thought of consuming this stuff without irradiating it first was not a pleasant one. And, not wanting to touch it made scraping the spoon off less than desirable. But, I figured I could at least bleach my finger if I touched it. So, I commenced to trying to force the quickly hardening mixture into the cup, all the while holding my breath so as not to inhale any of the noxious fumes coming out of the cup.
I finally got the stuff into the microwave, still fighting the urge to gag & seriously thinking of just having chili & tortilla chips. But my hunger for nachos & a hope (misguided as it was) that the cheese would improve after I warmed it up kept my from discarding the dairy based horror that was currently being nuked. Oh, the things I'll do when I set my mind to something. Finally, it finished cooking. I took the cup from the microwave & attempted to pour it over the chili & chips. Note that I said "attempted." When I tilted the cup, the cheese would not budge. I kid you not, I think it actually crawled further back into the cup. What I feared would happen seemed to come true - I had inadvertently given the squeeze cheese/caulking compound sentiency by filling it with radiation. It was exhibiting signs of self-preservation!
I prodded the now self-aware cheese thing out of the cup & onto the chili & chips (I think it screamed at me at one point). It seemed that for every scoop that I took out of the cup two replaced it. Now, not only was it refusing to come out of the cup, it was also regenerating! I had a full blown Fifties B-grade horror flick in a coffee cup. At this point, I definitely did not want it to touch me.
Like in most Fifties sci-fi movies, something ended up killing the cheese/caulkmonster (I hoped). I don't know if it was exposure to th air or the chili or the fact that I'd stabbed it with the spoon a couple hundred times, but the thing quit moving & regenerating itself. I mixed the cheese/caulk-a-ma-jigger with the chili & started eating it. Amazingly, the chili managed to mask the cheese flavor. Unfortunately, there ended up being more cheese than chili, so I was left with a few globs of that foul stuff on my plate. I ate a bite or two of it with just a chip, but had to wash the rest down the sink. Even now, it may be mutating in the sewers of Yucaipa, biding it's time & regenerating until it's grown big enough to consume the whole city, making its way down into the valley, eating everything in its path! Oh my stars & garters...WHAT HAVE I UNLEASHED UPON THE WORLD?!?!?
*ahem*
So, the moral to this little story, Loyal Reader?
Just because something's only .99 cents, it doesn't mean it's a good idea to eat it.
I've become hooked on the local .99 cent store. It's the worst possible place for an impulse shopper to go to, though. I have to drag myself out before I end up buying a ton of Vienna sausages or a dozen pairs of sunglasses & eight wall calendars. Seriously. Eight calendars. Every time I go.
I had been in the store one day & noticed that the little old lady in front of me was purchasing gallons of squeezable cheese. Literally. A while later, I was hungry for nachos. I don't know why. Subliminal messages from the Government? Aliens? It is possible - after all, I wasn't wearing my Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie. Regardless of the origin of my nachos jonesing, I found myself back at the .99 cent store, with a bag of tortilla chips, a can of chili with a faded label (I'm hoping it was chili - they do sell Alpo there, too) & a bottle of nacho cheese flavored squeeze cheese. I resisted the urge to grab two bottles of the cheese & was grateful for that rare display of willpower later.
I got home, mouth watering in anticipation of the Mexican delicacy that I was about to partake of. I should've known something wasn't right when I removed the safety foil. I looked into the bottle, anticipating seeing a creamy, cheesy, artery clogging delight. Instead, I was greeted with by the sight of a substance with the consistency of bathtub caulking. Yellowy-orange bathtub caulking. With flecks of green & red. I was concerned, at this point, that I may have accidentally picked up the wrong bottle. I placed the squeeze top back on the bottle & put some of this substance of questionable edibility into a cup so that I could warm it up. I
thought that a little microwave action might make it a little softer.
Now, let me tell you a little something about me - I have a cast iron stomach & can stand a pretty high degree of grossness without getting queasy. And I'll eat just about anything. This is no exaggeration.
This stuff, however, put my intestinal fortitude to the test.
I squeezed the bottle. And squeezed the bottle. An shook the bottle. And squeezed the bottle again. Finally, the cheese started oozing out. What it looked like, Loyal Reader, was not something you'd want to put in your mouth. I'll not go into a description of what went through my mind, other than that I kept thinking "Oh my goodness, I'm going to be sick!"
My desire for nachos overrode my gag reflex, though. I mixed the cheese with a spoon, trying to make it look more appetizing. This, unfortunately, stirred up the smell of the cheese. This did not help matters. A glob of the cheese stuck to the spoon & I was unsure of how to get it into the cup without touching it. I tried shaking the spoon into the cup, tapping it on the rim, but no matter how hard I tried, the cheese/caulk mixture would not release it's grip on the spoon. My only other options were to scrape the concoction into the cup with my finger or to just lick the spoon off. The thought of consuming this stuff without irradiating it first was not a pleasant one. And, not wanting to touch it made scraping the spoon off less than desirable. But, I figured I could at least bleach my finger if I touched it. So, I commenced to trying to force the quickly hardening mixture into the cup, all the while holding my breath so as not to inhale any of the noxious fumes coming out of the cup.
I finally got the stuff into the microwave, still fighting the urge to gag & seriously thinking of just having chili & tortilla chips. But my hunger for nachos & a hope (misguided as it was) that the cheese would improve after I warmed it up kept my from discarding the dairy based horror that was currently being nuked. Oh, the things I'll do when I set my mind to something. Finally, it finished cooking. I took the cup from the microwave & attempted to pour it over the chili & chips. Note that I said "attempted." When I tilted the cup, the cheese would not budge. I kid you not, I think it actually crawled further back into the cup. What I feared would happen seemed to come true - I had inadvertently given the squeeze cheese/caulking compound sentiency by filling it with radiation. It was exhibiting signs of self-preservation!
I prodded the now self-aware cheese thing out of the cup & onto the chili & chips (I think it screamed at me at one point). It seemed that for every scoop that I took out of the cup two replaced it. Now, not only was it refusing to come out of the cup, it was also regenerating! I had a full blown Fifties B-grade horror flick in a coffee cup. At this point, I definitely did not want it to touch me.
Like in most Fifties sci-fi movies, something ended up killing the cheese/caulkmonster (I hoped). I don't know if it was exposure to th air or the chili or the fact that I'd stabbed it with the spoon a couple hundred times, but the thing quit moving & regenerating itself. I mixed the cheese/caulk-a-ma-jigger with the chili & started eating it. Amazingly, the chili managed to mask the cheese flavor. Unfortunately, there ended up being more cheese than chili, so I was left with a few globs of that foul stuff on my plate. I ate a bite or two of it with just a chip, but had to wash the rest down the sink. Even now, it may be mutating in the sewers of Yucaipa, biding it's time & regenerating until it's grown big enough to consume the whole city, making its way down into the valley, eating everything in its path! Oh my stars & garters...WHAT HAVE I UNLEASHED UPON THE WORLD?!?!?
*ahem*
So, the moral to this little story, Loyal Reader?
Just because something's only .99 cents, it doesn't mean it's a good idea to eat it.
Subscribe to:
Comment Feed (RSS)
